No Sexual Connection

Re-establishing your sexual and intimate connections after the birth of your first child is a concern shared by many new parents, especially those who are sharing a family bed with their child. Becoming parents is perhaps the most significant and life changing event that will impact your intimate relationship. Learning how to maintain your intimate connections in the context of building a family is one of the most important tasks in building a family. Try being gentle and patient with this process—and appreciate how your new roles as parents has shifted your focus away from the intimacy of two, to the intimacy and commitment of building a family. It sounds like you have tried to bring up the topic of your sexual needs with your husband, but that he has not been able to respond or share his own feelings and needs. While it is understandable that you may feel unattractive and undesirable because of his lack of response, it is possible that these feelings only make the conversation about your sexuality more difficult for both of you: he may feel defensive every time you bring up the subject and thus be unable to communicate clearly. Our sexual feelings are some of the most mysterious and emotionally charged aspects of relating. The birth of a child and raising a family with someone can bring up a range of historic beliefs and attitudes that you or your partner may not even be aware of. Learning how to communicate about your sexual feelings and desires is a key element is building and sustaining a mature and long lasting intimate relationship. Often times there can be other communication issues that are blocking a couple's ability to express their intimacy needs. If you can't get to a comfortable and safe place to listen to each other without blaming and defensiveness, seek out a professional or a trusted friend to mediate your conversations and help you to establish safe and honest communication. In situations like this I often recommend setting aside at least half an hour per week to have a "physical conversation" where both parties agree to touch and hold each other without any verbal discussion. Mutually agreeing to the ground rules for these "physical conversations" so that the boundaries and expectations are understood and accepted by both partners ahead of time is very important. If you can't agree to sharing physical warmth with each other, than there are probably other issues for you to work out before you can work on your issues about sexual intimacy. This may be hard work, but it is worthy of your time and attention.