One World

Issue 109
By Peggy O'Mara 

As I write, it is just eight days after The Tragedy. Emotions are running high both inside of me and in the larger community, and I assume they still will be at the time of this reading. By the weekend after The Tragedy, I had lost all faith in my fellow humans. First, the terrible acts of destruction, then the vengeful talk of retaliation. For a while, we all went mad from the enormity of what had happened. This is not unusual. Whenever we are wronged, we often first react with thoughts of revenge. Whether or not we act on these hateful thoughts is a test of our humanity.

In the family, just as in the world community, I have to choose every day to be adversarial or cooperative. And the more I choose cooperation, the more I must be willing to define, communicate, and enforce my own personal boundaries.

Early on in parenting I chose cooperation. It wasn't easy. My first introduction to nonviolent discipline was the book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. I felt totally out of control when I read the author's suggestion to abandon punishment. And I recognized, although it was painful, that what frightened me most about abandoning punishment was that I might not be able to have my own way.

As it turns out in the reality of the family, punishment is not actually a very effective tool for getting what we want. An adversarial relationship with our children often escalates or deteriorates as the child gets older because older, taller children are less intimidated by our threats. More importantly, the child who is punished-like our society that has been attacked-thinks not how wise her parents have been, but about what she might do next to get back at them.

In the family, we learn a difficult truth that can provide a model for the current world conflict. Effective discipline is really based on our relationships with one another. Ultimately, it is our capacity for conscience and affection that prevents us from hurting one another, not our fear of punishment.

As a new parent, I hit my children at first, and when I read Liberated Parents I decided to change. It took years. I first had the mental resolve but feared the loss of control. I didn't know what to do instead of spanking, and I wanted to postpone giving it up until I knew. At about that time, I saw a bumper sticker that read "People Are Not for Hitting and Children Are People, Too." I realized then it was simply a decision. I didn't have to know what else to do. I just had to stop hitting and figure it out.

I discovered almost immediately that not hitting requires better boundaries. When I hit, I would wait until I got so angry that I blew up, thus justifying my actions. When I did not hit, I had to respond to the first stirrings of my anger so that I did not respond when my emotions or my actions were out of control. I came to realize that it is not the behavior of my children that creates my reactions, but rather my own inner resolve to parent nonviolently. If they act outrageously, this does not justify a violent response. It is not about their actions. It's all about my own inner resolve.

My inner resolve was born during the Vietnam War. I realized then, in my early 20s, that if I was serious about peace, I had to make peace with my family of origin. When I decided years later to have children and to raise them without punishment, it was these early yearnings for peace that spoke to me. I understood that the possibility of peace on earth begins with peace in the family. I wondered what society would be like if we could raise a whole generation of children nonviolently. What choices would those children make when they became our leaders? This is still my prayer and the work that you each do in your homes every day. Whether or not you are a pacifist and regardless of how you feel the US should respond to The Tragedy, I am sure that if asked, you would say that you are raising your child nonviolently. I am sure that this is a value we all share.

So when the US media, politicians, and polls call for a violent response to The Tragedy, it is we not "they" I worry about. This talk threatens members of our wonderful Mothering community. It threatens our international community of families. This situation puts all of us at risk. In one instant, on that day, we became one world. My community is no longer my neighborhood. In fact, I often have less contact with the people I live near than with friends thousands of miles away. I cannot name a potential "enemy country" that is not the home of a friend or a friend of a friend, or one of our readers.

Cynthia in Saudi Arabia is the moderator of the discussion boards at www.mothering.com. This week she e-mailed me with concern over a mean-spirited thread on the boards. At a time when our military threatened the region she lives in, she was worried about my feelings. Our webmaster, Cynthia Marshall, was in London attending her mother's funeral when The Tragedy happened. She told us of the fear in the UK of an immediate retaliation by the US and her own fear of being unable to get back home. Author Nitzan Gordon e-mailed from Israel with kind words and letters of condolences from Palestinian mothers. They wanted us to know that the images on the television of Palestinians celebrating were not accurate. Photographer Lloyd Wolf sent photos of people all over the world leaving offerings at US embassies. Cynthia Good Mojab sent us an article about living in two cultures. Her plea to not personalize The Tragedy and harm Middle Eastern Americans was echoed by many. Just yesterday I got a call from a Muslim American mother who needed information on HIV and pregnancy. I was so happy we could help her.

Contributor Wendy Ponte lost several firefighters in her Brooklyn neighborhood, and her friend lost her husband. The losses are beyond measure. And yet, military reprisal will risk my beloved community. We have readers in over 70 countries. I want to harm none of them. None of them is disposable. There's no way that US military action will not directly or indirectly hurt my friends. Like the workers in the Twin Towers, the world is now too close not to share a common destiny. What happens to one of us could happen to any of us. Like the HIV-positive moms we profiled in the September-October issue, the vaccine-damaged children we reported on in the May-June issue, and welfare moms we bring you in this issue, we must understand that "there but by the grace of God go I."

In our families, if one of our children acts out violently, we will not rest until we understand the motivation for our child's behavior. Understanding is everything because once the behavior is understood, appropriate action can be taken, and the behavior is less likely to be repeated. Taking action to address our child's needs will make it unnecessary for him or her to use frustrated, angry outbursts to bring attention to his or her problems. Seeking to understand does not imply that no action is taken, but rather that the action will be proactive rather than reactive and will be based not only on an understanding of underlying motivations, but also on a willingness for reconciliation.

Our behavior is orchestrated by the original melody of the early years of life. We are correct even at this time of common tragedy to redouble our efforts for peace in the family and peace in the world. Attending to the legitimate needs of our children and thereby raising children who have faith in their world will do more to heal the world than anything else.

So it is enough to go home and make peace with your family. Figure out how to do this. It will not be easy, so it will open your heart. Put family first in your life. Be political in whatever way you are inclined. Write a letter. Attend a meeting. Give a donation. But, most of all, speak up. Speak from your own feelings without blame or judgment. Don't bully others with your feelings, but speak up. Add your voice to the international conversation. Be inspired by the courage of Congresswoman Barbara Lee, who cast the lone vote in the House of Representatives against retaliation.

In 1988, we published an article by Thich Nhat Hahn entitled "Reconciliation." In this article, he describes seven practices of conflict resolution and reconciliation that have evolved in Buddhist monasteries over the last 2,500 years. First is Face-to-Face Sitting, in which the entire community sits together mindfully, breathing, with the willingness to help and not to fight.

The second practice is Remembrance, in which the two monks in conflict try to remember the whole history of the conflict, every detail of the conflict, while the community just sits patiently and listens.

The third practice is Non-stubbornness. Everyone in the community expects the two monks not to be stubborn. The outcome is less important than the fact that each monk is doing his best to show a willingness for reconciliation and understanding.

The fourth practice is Covering Mud with Straw. One respected senior monk is appointed to represent each side of the conflict and to say things about "his" monk that will help the other to better understand and de-escalate his feelings, his anger, and his resistance.

Next is Voluntary Confession. Each monk reveals his own shortcomings, without waiting for others to state them. The atmosphere of the community is supportive, expecting that the de-escalation will be realized. The senior monk reminds the monks to think of the larger community and its well-being.

Lastly are the Decision by Consensus and Accepting the Verdict. It is agreed in advance that the two monks will accept the decision of the whole group or leave the community. The decision involves suggested actions for each monk, and the entire community is asked three times if it accepts the verdict. This reminds me of something I stumbled on by accident with my children. When there was a conflict (and there were a lot), I would take the two involved aside and listen intently to each side of the story, one of them at a time with the other present. I was surprised to find that once they both had spoken, they each spontaneously jumped up and ran off to play again. They just needed to be heard.

If The Tragedy were about my kids, I would say, "No more hitting. Keep talking. Keep interacting." The Tragedy is, of course, bigger than my family, bigger than the US. It affects the world community and yet the principles are the same. Armed retaliation will hurt the family and friends of our international community of mothers. And it will hurt the families here in the US whose children will be called to fight. There can be no winners.

Since the world leaders are having trouble figuring out what to do to resolve the conflicts in the Middle East, perhaps we should volunteer our expertise as mothers. In all countries, we could form groups of mothers-International Mothers for Peace-that would be willing to hear both sides of the story and make a consensus decision. This is something mothers are particularly skilled at; we do it every day. We could start right away.

Mothering got a letter this week from Karen: "I am writing to ask you to help guide us pacifist mothers in how to prevent the US from systematically terrorizing families in other countries as a retaliation for Tuesday's events." Karen, this poem's for you.

Your Children Mine
Aren't you tired of it?
Aren't you just tired of it?
Seeing those faces
In helmets and uniforms
Carrying rifles.
Seeing those young faces in the newspaper.
Black faces.
Brown faces.
Red faces.
White faces.
Yellow faces.
Young faces.
Wearing the grim look of war.
Doing the dirty work of their grown-up puppeteers
Who condemn to die each year
Thousands, millions of our newest souls
Because we haven't learned how to talk to
one another.
To negotiate with honor.
To compromise with power.
To value human life.
So we take the easy way out.
The easy way of violence.
The lazy way of killing.
The whole symbolic transference of power
From old to young
Done on the battlefield of death.
But the power passes.
The old die
And the young remember.
The young who've had to fight at others' bidding,
The young who've seen their buddies die.
We must some soon decade
STOP
The Sacrificing
Of the young
For false and temporary
Glory.

Issue 155
By Peggy O'Mara 

Community is a popular buzzword. We hear about online communities and food communities. President Obama made community organizing a household word. We know that community is important, but what is it? How do we know when we have community?

Community literally means to be together with unity, to be one with unity. The form that community has taken, however, has evolved over time as we’ve moved from homogenous to more diverse societies.

Early definitions of community in Western Europe from the 1500s have to do with holding goods in common, and the first definition in the Oxford dictionary today includes “common ownership.”

Definitions from the 1700s were more secular; not only were communities organized around a religious faith, but also certain neighborhoods, districts, and countries qualified as communities.

We all have a sense of the communities we are part of—in the world, in our country, our local region, within our extended family, among our friends, in our immediate family, and finally with ourselves. In this age of high tech, community is more important than ever. While we connect with others online, being alone with our computer can be isolating and ultimately makes us crave the company of real people. In fact, high touch is the counterpoint to high tech.

I was listening to the radio game show Wait Wait
. . . Don’t Tell Me! some time ago, and the question was asked, “What number came first, one or two?” The answer was surprising: two. The number two came before the number one. This must mean that as humans we perceived ourselves as part of a dyad before we perceived of ourselves as individuals.

Community then is an intrinsic need of human beings. We need other people. In community we have uninhibited communication, mutual understanding, and common valuing. In community we experience intimacy.

In the days of our hunter-gatherer ancestors, all communication took place within one community. Now we are part of many. To get a perspective on how things have changed: We are preceded in time by 10 generations of industrialists, 100 generations of farmers, and 100,000 generations of hunter-gatherers. And in recent times, the pace of communication is accelerating.

According to Luc de Brabandere, author of The Forgotten Half of Change: Achieving Greater Creativity Through Changes in Perception (Dearborn Trade, 2005),

The first acceleration occurred when the agrarian world segued into the industrial world. The second and far more dramatic jump occurred when the industrial world transmuted into the digital world. While electricity and the telephone took some 50 years to reach 50 percent of American homes, e-mail and DVDs were adopted by most Americans within a mere ten years.

Another example of accelerated communication is the plight of the daily newspaper. In the last few years, the front page of the New York Times has become old news before it’s printed. We’ve already heard the news on the Internet before we see the morning paper. Some of us are afraid of this new technology, afraid that things are moving too fast—but the word technology simply means tool. Like any tool, technology can be used or abused. The good news is that because this digital technology facilitates more rapid communication it also creates more community.

We see this on our website, Mothering.com, 
where we have 135,000 members of our discussion boards, 1 million total threads and 13 million total posts. In fact, our online discussion boards are the second largest parenting forums on the entire Web. There has been an explosion of moms’ groups in the last ten years. When I was a new mom there were only two groups: La Leche League (LLL) and International Childbirth Education Association. Now there are Holistic Moms Network, National Association of Mothers’ Centers, International Moms Club, Mocha Moms, Moms-
Rising, Mothers Acting Up, the Mothers Movement Online, to name a few.

But before we consider reaching out to these or other organizations, we want to strengthen the root of community with others: that is, our relationship with ourselves. Looking for community is part of a circle that begins with and returns to us. It helps if we can cultivate some self-awareness.

It can be hard to remain self-aware when we are in the company of others. If that first community after ourselves is our immediate family, then I’m sure we all know how easy it can be to lose track of our own center when we are caring for others.

I often felt as a mother of young children that any communities outside of my family were almost more than I could handle, that I required all of my reserves for the unexpected things that kept happening in the life of my family. As a new mother, though, I needed outside communities. I longed to see my friends. Even when I was overwhelmed with babies, I wanted to talk to my friends on the phone.

I also cherished organizations like LLL, where I could see other parents doing what I was learning to do. I craved good models, so although it was hard to round everyone up to attend a conference, it was worth it, as it gave me sustenance for an entire year. Interestingly, many of my friends when I was a new mother were people I might not have met other-
wise. Our shared values made our other differences insignificant.

From the security of a new community, we can experiment with new ideas. When we are in a process of change—as when you first discovered Waldorf schools and were still contrasting them to other educational methods or perhaps when you first considered a homebirth—it can feel like we are entering an entirely new world, and we are. At these times we especially need community. Even those of us who have lots of friends or who feel just fine about our social lives may feel isolated when facing an unexpected problem or change in our lives and may seek an entirely new community to help support that life change.

Another way we support new life changes is to create a nourishing environment at home, to make our home a sanctuary, a place where we feel safe and can fall apart when necessary.

We also need house rules that allow for everyone to have private as well as community space. One of the things that people learned from the communes of the sixties was that even good community could be too much sometimes.

Many new centers, coffeehouses, and restaurants are popping up to serve the community with children. Natural Resources in San Francisco is one example of a retail, library, and meeting space for parents. In Manhattan, the Upper Breast Side is a boutique that offers breastfeeding resources and supplies. Mom’s Breastaurant is a portable tent that goes to outdoor conferences and events and provides a shaded and quiet place for moms and babies. In El Paso, Texas there’s a new café, the El Paso Baby Café, where moms can drop in for mother-to-mother support as well as professional breastfeeding advice.

Over the years, we’ve published articles on the international cohousing movement where families live in close proximity to one another, share meals, and other resources. We recently received an article about a couple that bought land and built a house along with his parents and her mom. They all have private wings of the house as well as shared common spaces. A friend told me that her house had recently been sold to two families, who would be sharing the house together.

One of our most popular articles ever in Mothering is “Finding Your Tribe” by Teresa Pitman, the story of a young mom who spends days with her friend. They cook together, clean together, and help each other with their children. On Mothering.com we have very popular Finding Your Tribe threads with “tribes” of online forum members who regularly meet for picnics, meetings, and get-togethers in their local areas.

So how do we find community? We don’t. We attract it. We find it where we are. We go deeper with people we are already with: neighbors, coworkers, other parents. How do we find time for community? We start where we are!  Here are four universal principles for communication recommended by anthropologist Angeles Arien: 

Show up.

Pay attention to what has heart and meaning.

Tell your truth without blame or judgment.

Do not be attached to outcome.

We hone our skills of communication because we need each other so much. We need community. If you’re feeling blue it’s for a good reason. Don’t turn against yourself in tough times. Visualize what it would look like if you felt part of a tribe, part of a community. Describe it to yourself. What is one community you want to know more about? What is one step you could take toward that one community? Break it down into small steps and take just one step.

How do I meet new people? First I imagine what it is that I would like to share. Next I have to make a plan to achieve this connection. Then I need to take the first step, whatever it is. And, finally I have to practice my new learning again and again, by getting together with my new community regularly—and pretty soon I will belong. I also have to be patient with myself when leaving a less supportive community, just allowing myself to start over again without making a big production about it.

We’ve been living in an age in which the individual has appeared to be more important than the collective. Current economic challenges underline just the opposite. But these times are just a reminder of what has always been: We need community regardless of the times. There is nothing wrong with us if we can’t go it alone. We’re not supposed to.

Though we can’t go it alone, we also do not want to give ourselves away. We want to look for communities that offer us respect and optimism. I love this quote from African-American poet Nikki Giovanni about good boundaries in community.

There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don’t expect you to save the world, I do think it’s not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peggy O’Mara is the mother of four grown children. She has gained international celebrity as publisher, editor and owner of Mothering Magazine. She is also the author of four books: Having a Baby Naturally: The Mothering Magazine Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth, Natural Family Living: The Mothering Magazine Guide to Parenting, The Way Back Home: Essays on Life and Family, and A Quiet Place: Essays on Life and Family, all of which can be purchased in the Mothering Shop. A dynamic speaker, she has lectured and conducted workshops in conjunction with organizations such as the Omega Institute, Esalen, La Leche International, and Bioneers. She has appeared on numerous television and radio programs and has been featured in national publications including The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, The Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Mother Earth News, and Utne Reader.

Read Peggy O’Mara’s editorials for philosophical information and practical advice about Natural Family Living

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