Parental Fighting

Your question suggests that you are struggling with a lot of issues. First, you and your daughter's father need to be happy as individuals before you can be happy in the relationship. It sounds like you are personally struggling with the idea of having a career, whereas your daughter's father would like to stay home and not work. You will have to decide how these roles will impact the relationship. Are you both content with the possible arrangement of you working outside the home and him staying home to help raise your daughter? Second, it sounds like your mother was a good support system for you and your daughter. It is natural that she would miss her. Make sure that your daughter and her grandmother have lots of contact with each other via daily or every-other-day phone calls, your daughter drawing pictures she can send to her grandmother, and actual physical contacts as often as you can both afford to travel to each other's homes.

If you choose not to stay living with your daughter's father, in addition to reassuring her that the "break-up" is not her fault, it will be important for your daughter and her father to have regular contact with one another. You will need to sit down and work out a parenting time plan, etc. I encourage you to put this plan in writing and have both of you sign it as a contract and include specific parenting time and who will provide what finances for your daughter—health care coverage, child support (money for food, clothing and shelter), etc. You will also need to decide how the two of you will make decisions regarding your daughter. If you do not feel you can do this between the two of you, it might be helpful to work with a divorce/family mediator. If finances are an issue, check to see if your county has a local dispute resolution center (DRC). Mediation at these centers is either low-cost or free for low-income participants. Depending on the level of conflict, you may want a Parenting Coordinator who will try to facilitate the two of you making decisions about your daughter. When/ if you are unable to agree, the Parenting Coordinator usually has the power to resolve sticking points for you.

Regardless of whether you choose to stay living with your daughter's father or not, if you and he cannot figure out how to co-parent effectively and be civil in front of your daughter, it will be harmful for her. Some suggested guidelines are:

1. Only discuss thing in front of your daughter that are appropriate for her to hear at three years old.

2. Remember that there is a difference between "fighting" and "having conflict." Conflict is ok as long as it is not abusive (physically, verbally or emotionally), or disrespectful—and there is positive resolution. Kids need to learn that disagreement is ok and observe positive ways of resolving conflict.

3. She needs to know that you both love her, which on some level it sounds like she does know. Make sure that you and her father reassure her that the conflict is not her fault—affirm that she is not responsible for it nor for 'fixing' it. If you drop (and fail to resolve) conflict when she cries, she is being conditioned that she has control over it. That misperception needs to be changed. The bottom line is that how well your daughter does depends on how well each of her parents do as individuals, as partners in a relationship, and as co-parents.