Pillow Talk

By Paul M. Fleiss
Issue 96, September/October 1999

The subject of child sleep is of interest not only to parents but also to scientists. Entire medical conferences are organized around the fascinating subject of sleep. Medical journals regularly publish the latest scientific data on child sleep. Unfortunately, not all "scientific" studies on sleep are correct, and not all self-appointed sleep experts give accurate, child-nurturing information. Too often, cultural biases regarding sleep predominate over genuine biological facts.

Many of the so-called "sleep problems" that parents report in their children are actually the result of rigid and unreasonable expectations that are based on unnatural and unrealistic myths about how children are supposed to be. The incorrect advice on sleep that is found in so many childcare books is based on such expectations.

Babies, however, cannot be tricked into yielding to unreasonable expectations. The baby's refusal to cooperate with feeding schedules and rigid "training" indicates that these expectations are unnatural and don't meet the baby's biological needs. There are several mistakes that parents commonly make in the attempt to help their child sleep. Many childcare books, including new titles, recommend these things. They fall under the category of "Don'ts".

DON'TS
1. Don't ignore your children's cries. After all, they may be sick, in danger, or in pain. Babies and young children are emotional rather than rational creatures. They can't comprehend why their cries for help are being ignored. Even with the best of intentions, ignoring children leads them to feel abandoned. The result will be insecure, unhappy children. You cannot "spoil" children by responding to their cries. "Spoiled" children are those who don't know what to expect from their parents. They are often alternately punished or praised for the same activity at different times.

Infants cry for a reason. We may not always know what the reason is, and we may not always be able to solve the problem, but we can always try. If a baby cries at night, it may be because he or she is hungry, thirsty, sick, uncomfortable, agitated, lonely, or frightened by a nightmare. Whatever the problem, the fact that the babies cry indicates that they are unable to solve their problem alone and require the assistance of their parents.

Expecting babies or young children to "self-soothe" is unreasonable. Responding to children's cries, comforting them, and trying to help them overcome whatever it is that is bothering them is not only effective, it is the only proper way to help them fall asleep.

2. Don't let children "cry it out". Many best-selling childcare books actually instruct parents to let children cry themselves to sleep, suggesting that this will teach children how to "self-soothe". Wiser parents and doctors find this an unacceptable and self-defeating practice. While babies may learn to cry themselves to sleep, this practice also seems to have the undesirable effect of teaching babies that they cannot trust their parents to respond to their needs. It also inculcates low self-esteem. Children who cannot trust their parents are emotionally unbalanced. They are abandoned children. To some degree, they will be psychologically impaired and may manifest this by being clingy, needy, whiny, and demanding. Even though it is in direct contradiction to the unfortunate advice given to parents in the 1950s and 1960s, the best way to help your children become secure, independent, and emotionally balanced people is to respond to their needs rapidly, intelligently, and with care.

If you believe your child is crying simply because he or she is fussy rather than because of a "genuine problem", carefully evaluate why your child might be fussy. Eliminate from your child's day stressful things that induce fussiness. If your child sleeps alone, lie down and stay with your child until he or she is asleep. Your presence will be reassuring and calming.

3. Don't expect your infant to sleep through the night. Any sort of "training" to make babies sleep through the night is unnatural and possibly dangerous. Infants are biologically required to feed several times during the night. They do not and should not engage in adult sleeping patterns. Infants should be expected to sleep lightly for several short periods throughout the night. Older children, however, will generally sleep through the night without any "training".

4. Don't give children drugs of any kind. Never give children Phenobarbital, Valium, or other sleep-inducing medications. These brain-altering chemicals are dangerous on their own and can quickly become addictive.

5. Don't give your children alcohol in any form or quantity. Some misinformed parents mistakenly give their infants and children small amounts of bourbon, whiskey, scotch, gin, beer, or wine, thinking that this is an acceptable method to induce sleep. Other parents apply small amounts of alcohol to the gums while babies are teething. Alcohol will not help children sleep but rather will result in restlessness and agitation. Alcohol is inappropriate and unacceptable for infants and children.