Willingness is the Key: A Birth Story

By Giuditta Tornetta
Web Exclusive - July 31, 2007

'If there is a will, there is a wall'—once I heard this at my church, I could not get it out of my head. I was raised with the exact opposite dictum: "If there is a will, there is a way." I'd always pushed hard to get where I wanted to go. I had a will—a strong will —and by God, I was going to find the way to get where I wanted to be.

Instead of focusing on the strength of our will, Revered Dr. Michael Beckwith proposes that we let go of our self-will, and becoming willing to receive what we desire—instead of fighting for it. After hearing this message, I realized that even when willfulness had seemed to be working in my life, a wall indeed arose somehow, somewhere. For instance, I once tried to pressure a publisher into publishing my book. My will was strong and I engaged everyone I knew to send him e-mails, telling him to do so. The publisher initially loved the idea, but once he proposed it to his staff, they rallied against it. Without even reading the proposal the project was turned down. I'd call that a serious karmic wall!

In reviewing the births I have witnessed, and passing them through the sieve of will vs. willingness, I noticed a blueprint. If I, or a client, stand firm in our will to have a certain outcome during the birth, a wall gets thrown up. Whether it comes from the nurses, doctors or even the client's unconscious, ego begets ego and resistance is usually the outcome. On the other hand, when having formed a clear vision of the birth and having set our intentions, we enter the birth setting with love in our hearts and the willingness to be open and receptive, the outcome is a natural and painless childbirth. Shortly after learning this lesson, I had the following experience.

I worked with Mary and Jay for about two months. Among other things, in our prenatal visits, I explained the pros and cons of vaginal exams performed at every doctor's visit. Serial vaginal examinations at 36 through 39 weeks can be discouraging and have no bearing on the outcome and progress of the pregnancy. Yet, Mary would call me weekly, telling me that she had been checked again. As expected, finding out that she had not dilated and was "just a little effaced" was making her nervous. I urged her to ask why her doctor felt the needed to check her so often. I encouraged her to convey her desire to participate in the decision making.

Mary seemed unable to say "no," or to ask for what she wanted. I noticed that I was getting concerned. Under hypnosis, she revealed that her major apprehension was to be unable to stand by her decision of having a drug-free birth. Despite her strong desire for a natural birth, Mary wanted to be reassured that she could have an epidural if she felt she needed one. I told her that she was in charge of her birthing experience, and that I was there to support her decision no matter what, and without any judgments. I further suggested she should be free of self-judgment, regardless of what her ultimate decision was going to be. In other words, she would simply let the moment and the circumstances dictate the outcome. She needed to become willing to accept nature's plan for her, and so did I.

During another hypnotherapy session she had a wonderful conversation with her unborn child (named after the Balinese goddess, Sinta) who, with a mothering tone told her to relax and not worry, for the birth was going to be great. When the baby talked to her mother the room filled with a sense of quiet and serenity. Sinta was a true Goddess. She radiated self-confidence from within her mother's womb. I could tell this was going to be a very special experience.

Later in the session, Mary remembered of how she had succeeded in completing a 22-mile marathon. She recalled that during the run she had nearly given up several times, but somehow found the strength to move forward and finish. I suggested she harness that experience and transfer her determination from the marathon unto the birth.

Mary was ready; she had the skill, the intention, and had enlisted her daughter's divine power. As her doula I had to become willing to see a perfect birth for her, despite her reluctance to set limits with the doctors. Her contractions started in the early morning hours, five days before her due date. By 8 a.m., she called to tell me that the contractions were coming every 20 minutes; she was managing them and was calm. By 10 a.m. they had switched to every ten minutes, and she was happily listening to my self-hypnosis CD while her mom and husband were caring for her. At noon, she requested that I join her. Usually early labor with the first baby can last a very long time, and it is better to use this time connecting with your partner, so I was a little reluctant to join them so early. But my intuition suggested I go to her. When I arrived at her house I found Mary smiling radiantly between contractions which, at that point, were frequent and strong. We decided she needed a nap so with the help of hypnosis she rested for about an hour. We then took a walk around her neighborhood, enjoying the amazing roses in bloom. Once back home, I suggested she take a relaxing bath. By then it was around 3 p.m. She lay in the warm tub and rode the mounting waves of contraction beautifully; it looked like Mom and Goddess Sinta were dancing a private and peaceful dance.

During her bath, I noticed what looked like involuntarily pushing. In second stage contractions, the pressure of the baby in the vagina and the pressure on the rectum can cause a mother to feel a strong need to groan, hold her breath, and bear down. This urge can be as irresistible as the urge to sneeze; resisting it can be more difficult than simply surrendering and letting it happen.