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	ask the experts jan hunt

Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
Attachment Parenting, Unschooling, Child Advocacy

• Napping alone
• Bedtimes
• Responding to advice to "cry it out."
• Unschooling
• Development timelines
• Self soothing
• Swearing
• Biting
• Playgroup bully
• Pacifiers
• Baby gear
• Shyness
• Transitioning from co-sleeping
• Strollers
• Sleep crisis
• Substitutions for carrying
• Questions for a pediatrician
• Parent who doesn't address bullying
• Montessori homeschooling

I'm a new mom and a new devotee of babywearing.  I wear my six week old daughter virtually all day, when she's sleeping and when she's awake.  We're both very happy with this arrangement, but I'm being bombarded with advice to put her down to nap so that she learns to sleep on her own (we also co-sleep at night). Am I setting us up for future problems, or should I ignore the well-meaning advice?

It does my heart good to hear from loving parents like you! It can be challenging to follow your heart when so many people are questioning your parenting choices. But in fact they are the ones who should be questioned and challenged to give valid reasons for their advice, because solitary sleeping does not meet any physical or emotional needs for the baby or child, while cosleeping meets all of those needs and more (see "Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child at Night").

The practice of solitary sleeping for babies and children is only about 100 years old. For hundreds of thousands of years, all children slept next to their parents and siblings, their cries received a quick response, and they were held all day until they could crawl (see the fascinating book The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin. Three in a Bed is a fascinating and well-researched book by Deborah Jackson. See also the articles in the Sleep section of my Natural Child Project website: http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/sleeping.html.

In short, trust what your heart tells you. Try to ignore unhelpful advice from those who may mean well, but are badly misinformed about the legitimate needs of children.

Here is an article I know you will appreciate: Banished! Are parents who follow their hearts left out in the cold?"

My wife and I are parents of four-year-old twin boys. We have read and appreciated Jesper Juul's book, "Your Competent Child," but are a bit nervous about some of the ideas he suggests. For example, we are toying with the idea of letting our children decide when to go to sleep (to an extent). But we'd like to access either some testimonials of people who've done this with four-year-olds (i.e., what happens when you allow four-year-olds to choose their own bedtimes?), or read some actual research on the topic. Any suggestions for resources? What are your opinions of this type of approach? Thank you very much for your time.

It can be such a challenge to know just how much guidance to give children, and how much freedom and trust. I like your phrase "to an extent". I think at this young age it would be helpful to have a light but flexible schedule in mind, especially for sleeping, because children can have a "second wind" and not realize how tired they are—sometimes adults have the same experience. And like adults, children vary as to the time they're ready for sleep on a particular day, depending on many factors, such as physical activity, stressful experiences, and the kinds of food they've had that day (breastfeeding moms should avoid stimulants such as coffee and chocolate).

Taking this natural variation into account, it would be best to have a window of time in mind and not an exact time. For example, you might say, "Oh it's 8:00 - let's get some apple and cheese" (a combination of foods that helps the brain create tryptophan) and help them get ready for bed. Having a loose schedule for the next day can help the parents to relax about bedtimes—yet another benefit to unschooling.

Having a regular nighttime ritual, such as book reading, a massage, or quiet music, can be very helpful. Usually children who dawdle at bedtime are fighting separation rather than sleep; staying with them until they fall asleep, and joining them later when you're ready for bed, will help them to relax and get the rest they need. Recent research shows that cosleeping reduces stress: http://www. timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2179265,00.html. See also my article "Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child".

While it's never good to have too rigid a structure that ignores a child's needs and wishes, children at this age do like to know what to expect in a general way. Everything in moderation!

What can new parents say to people who recommend that they let their new baby "cry it out"?

On a recent Internet radio show1, I emphasized that babies are the true experts on parenting. I added that I often ask new parents if they wish they had an expert living with them to help them to figure out what to do next! I told the radio audience to "Just look to the baby. If you're doing something wrong, the baby will tell you. If you're doing something right, the baby will tell you that too. Babies know exactly what they need."

The interviewer neatly summed up these thoughts by adding, "People say the baby doesn't come with a book, but they do... the baby is the book!" Exactly. It is the baby - and only the baby - who knows just what she needs. She will give us immediate feedback on everything we do. A baby will tell us with frowns and tears when a legitimate need is not being met, and with bright smiles and cuddles when we meet her needs in a loving way. If parents can recognize and embrace this concept, parenting can be much simpler and more joyful than when the baby's communications are mistrusted and questioned.

Babies, programmed by nature, know instinctively what good parenting looks like. They know, for example, that touch is a need every bit as critical as feeding. They will protest loudly if we put them in the isolation of a crib to sleep, but will fall asleep peacefully when they have the security of human touch. They know that responsive parenting enhances trust and bonding - and will respond with anguish and fear when we ignore their cries. They know that breastfeeding offers critical immunization, nutrition and comfort, and will instinctively move to the breast on their own, just moments after birth. They know that breastmilk changes in consistency in accordance with their age, and will wean naturally when their nursing needs have been fully met. They know they are dependent on others for their very survival, and will react with terror if they cannot see us for even a short time. They know all of these things and more. Parents would be wise to learn from their babies instead of assuming that babies are always learning from them.2

Babies know many important things. What they can't know is that parents often receive harmful advice to ignore their babies' communications and disregard their critical needs. This is a dangerous experiment, and every newspaper we read describes the long-term results of not giving children a compassionate start in life.

A baby needs what she needs, and if we meet those needs, she will thrive. This isn't "spoiling" - it is trusting that the baby is giving us important information about her legitimate needs, as well as trusting our own natural instincts to want to respond to those needs. Trusting our baby and trusting ourselves, we establish a close bond and give our baby her best chance for a healthy and happy life.

The solution is so simple, and right in front of our eyes. Instead of trying to teach babies to accept parenting behaviors that are alien to their very nature, we need only allow them to teach us how to respond to their honest communication. They have so much to tell us, and they are the world's most diligent and energetic teachers.

The baby is the book. Read it - you won't be able to put it down!

Notes
1. "Perfect Pregnancy and Beyond", Interview with Leslie Malicote, www.wsradio.ws June 27, 2002.

2. Kirschner, Jan and Tracy. The Little Goo-roo: Lessons from Your Baby. Boulder, CO: Atlas Press, 1997. Available through The Natural Child Project at www.naturalchild.org/shop

I want our sons to learn to think critically, problem-solve and basically learn how to learn. I've read a little about the unschooling movement on the web, and this seems to fit with our parenting philosophy. But homeschooling seems so intimidating. What considerations should a parent look at when trying to decide whether or not to homeschool, and where can a parent learn more about how unschooling works?

It may help you to know that every homeschooling parent has struggled with such doubts. It's only natural for parents to feel uneasy and uncertain when contemplating a different path for their children than the one they themselves traveled. Even more significantly, most of us were taught at school to see a false dichotomy between "learning" and "fun". We've come to believe that if it's "educational", it can't be fun, and if it's fun, it can't be learning! I discuss this unhelpful and self-fulfilling belief system in my article "Is 'I Love Lucy Educational?".

In a way, we are the generation with the most difficult task, because we are truly blazing new trails and gaining new understandings. As I often remind parents in my workshops, homeschooling should be much easier when previously homeschooled children choose to homeschool their own children. They will have little need to unlearn old concepts and relearn new ones. For them, homeschooling will be the norm. And with over one million (some estimate two million) homeschooling children in the U.S. today, homeschooling is already becoming more common and more accepted as an educational option.

Every homeschooling parent has probably felt "intimidated" at some point. I remember the first time I heard about this option, before becoming a parent. I thought it sounded interesting, but not something I would want to try: how could I have the energy and creativity to teach my child six hours a day? Fortunately, after my son was born, I discovered John Holt's inspiring books, and in Teach Your Own, I was amazed to see that he had anticipated my exact question:

"How am I going to teach my child six hours a day?"

Here is Holt's reply:

"Who's teaching him six hours a day right now?

"As a child, I went to the "best" schools, some public, most private. I was a good student, the kind that teachers like to talk to. And it was a rare day indeed in my schooling when I got fifteen minutes of teaching, that is, of concerned and thoughtful adult talk about something that I found interesting, puzzling, or important. Over the whole of my schooling, the average was probably closer to fifteen minutes a week. For most children in most schools, it is much less than that. When teachers speak to them, it is only to command, correct, warn, threaten, or blame.

"Anyway, children don't need, don't want, and couldn't stand six hours of teaching a day, even if parents wanted to do that much. To help them find out about the world doesn't take that much adult input. Most of what they need, parents have been giving them since they were bornÂ. They need to have their questions answered, or at least heard and attended to (if you don't know, say "I don't know.") They need to know more and more adults whose main work in life is not taking care of kids. They need some friends their own age, but not dozens of them; two or three, at most half a dozen, is as many real friends as any child can have at one time. Perhaps above all, they need a lot of privacy, solitude, calm times when there's nothing to do.

"Schools rarely provide any of these, and even if radically changed, never could provide most of them. But the average parent, family, circle of friends, neighborhood, and community can and do provide all of these things, perhaps not as well as they once did or might again, but well enough. People do not need a Ph.D. or some kind of certificate to help their children find their way into the world."1

My son, Jason, has unschooled from the beginning; he is now 22. When I look back over the years, I see joyful, enthusiastic learning that I have been privileged to share. It has been a happy experience that couldn't have been further from the six hours of drudgery that I had first imagined it would be! Jason not only enjoys learning many things, he sees learning as an interesting, integral part of life, not a separate activity confined to specific locations, days, and times. In that sense, he is still "unschooling" and always will be. For Jason, unschooling has been far more than just an alternative to formal schooling, it has prepared him to live a life full of curiosity and wonder.

Homeschooling and the less-structured approach of unschooling are leaps of faith for any parent who attended school in childhood. One of John Holt's most intriguing books is called A Life Worth Living. Judging from my own experience, I believe that homeschooling is a leap worth taking, that can lead to a life worth living.

1 Holt, John. Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling (Release date: May 2003)

RESOURCES
My website, The Natural Child Project, includes many articles and recommended books on homeschooling and unschooling.
See also the following websites:
Institute for Play
Jon's Unschooling Page
Learn in Freedom
Life Learning
Thomas Armstrong
Unschooling.com

It might help to know about the Colfax family of Northern California, whose four sons were homeschooled. Their oldest son, Grant, decided to apply to college, and the SAT's were his very first test experience. He was accepted at Harvard, enjoyed his undergraduate years there, and graduated with honors (two of their other sons also went to Harvard). A few years later, following a discussion of reading in Growing Without Schooling, Grant sent in a letter stating that he didn't read until he was 12! Had he been in school, he surely would have been labeled a "slow" learner, and his self-esteem would very likely have been too damaged for him to have the courage to apply to Harvard, or possibly any college.

I like to use this example, because it shows so clearly how right John Holt was, when he urged parents to forget about artificial timetables. Holt often reminded parents that "children are not trains." If a train is late at its first five stops, it will likely be late arriving at its final destination. But a child can be "late" at all the stops and then suddenly be ahead of everyone else.

Children develop in accordance with their own built-in schedule, just like a rose does. We would never try to force a rose to bloom; we give it the best conditions possible - we see that its needs for water, sunshine, and fertilizer are met - and then we simply trust that it will bloom when it is ready. Children's learning too will bloom when basic needs for emotional security, physical health, and an interesting environment are met. Schools operate under the very different assumption that specific growth can be forced and imposed from outside the child through various types of coercion, manipulation, rewards and punishments, etc. This is a false assumption, but it's hard to let it go when we've been in school for so many years in our own childhood. It will be far easier when homeschoolers homeschool their own children, as they won't need to unlearn so many well-meant but harmful beliefs. They will have a much simpler and truer understanding: every child grows at their own best pace, and, like rose gardeners, we simply need to trust their built-in schedule.

Here are some articles on this topic:
"How do Homeschooling Parents Know their Children are Learning?"
"Nurturing Children's Natural Love of Learning"
"Whole Reading"
"Museums: An Alternative Model"

And here are a few books:
How Children Learn by John Holt
Teach Your Own by John Holt
In Their Own Way by Thomas Armstrong
Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling by John Gatto

However, for truly "realistic information about development timelines", look to your child and no one else. Just as we trust a rose to bloom on its own built-in timetable, so too should we expect children to bloom at their own best pace. There is so much time for a child to grow! If he or she reads at three, or at six, or even at twelve, what difference does it really make in the long run? If your child is happy and secure, you can be sure that you are allowing the best schedule of growth in all areas, regardless of what other children happen to be doing at the same time. As John Holt once said, all of his books and articles could be summed up in two words: trust children.

While a baby's natural needs cannot be forcibly changed without traumatic effect, there are some things you can try to make life easier for both of you, and that will help the baby with the transition from waking to sleeping. As you are breastfeeding, be sure to avoid all foods and other substances that enhance wakefulness, such as coffee, tea, colas, chocolate, certain herbs, and any other stimulants. Instead, try drinking a relaxing substance that is safe for breastfeeding, such as chamomile tea. Establishing a bedtime ritual, such as book reading (Goodnight Moon is wonderfully soothing), soft music, and warm baths, can be very helpful. Try as much as possible to avoid stressful situations, loud noise, and bright lights in the home, especially close to bedtime. A dimmer switch can be very helpful in this transition - electric lights are a "new" stimulus for a Stone Age baby! "Sleep talking" (talking softly to a sleeping child) is a very helpful technique, during which you can ask the baby for help. And remember the motherhood mantra: "This too shall pass," even when it feels like nothing will ever change. One day you will look back on this period with a sweet longing and an amazement that it went by so quickly! Take this opportunity to enjoy your baby's love in all its purity.

One of the best ways to create a "quality of mutual concern and respect" is to remember the Golden Rule. How would we like a friend to help us stop doing something socially inappropriate or hurtful? Most likely, we would want them to explain to us, in a loving, calm and respectful way, the reasons for their concern (that others may misjudge our character, for example). We would like them to be patient with us, to have trust in our basic good nature, and to take our needs and ideas seriously. We would also want them to stay light if they feel the need to mention the behavior again.

Playfulness is a great way to stay light. Children love games, and can quickly get into the spirit of them. You might ask your son to create a game that will help get the words "out of his system", such as using only "bad" words for two minutes. This sort of play can give the child some sense of personal power and autonomy, but in a safe, playful, and permitted way. For a young child, you could ask him to draw a picture of how he feels when he needs to use "bad" words, or use doll play by having the doll use those same words, and asking the child why he thinks the doll is doing that. This sort of projection of feelings can be very telling. It would also be helpful to create, together, a sign language signal that can be used discreetly in public as a reminder. The most important aspect of all of these approaches is a respectful attitude and an unshakable belief in the child's basic goodness.

If bad language continues to be a problem, consider the possibility of unmet underlying needs. Is your son feeling powerless, angry, or vulnerable at this particular time? The most helpful approach a parent can take with any unwanted behavior is to look past that behavior to the unmet, underlying needs, to validate those needs, and to help him meet the needs in a more acceptable way. As Naomi Aldort wrote, "Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to her needs fully during each stage of her life, she can be done with that stage and move on."

Many parents describe methods of parental guidance according to the degree that they are "permissive" or "punitive", when in reality it is possible - and preferable - to take a third approach: recognize that a child is a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, in accordance with the Golden Rule. This is not "permissive", it is humane and fair. It is also the most effective means for gaining cooperation and good will. With this approach, it can be possible, and even effortless and joyful, to provide responsible direction for a child in a non-hurtful and effective way.

1 Rosenberg, Marshall. Raising Children Compassionately. Booklet available at www.naturalchild.org/ shop/booklets/rcc.html

Yet both of her responses - the one she employed and the one she wished she had used - left me with some troubling questions: How can a parent ignore her own feelings of guilt and anger? Could she have honestly expressed the anger she felt from being physically hurt? Does refusal to pick up a child who is obviously upset give him the message that he will be loved only when he is "good"? Will he learn to have compassion and understanding for others who are having "bad" feelings? How can one "leave alone" a child without "abandoning" him? Is she rationalizing her actions by doublespeak? And, most important, what has she learned from this incident? And what has he learned? The next time her son bites her, will she be able to talk with him about the angry, jealous feelings which led to the biting? Will he know how to communicate those feelings in a way that will help him to have his needs met? I agree that parents should be consistent and try to avoid giving confusing messages to our children. But what should we be consistent about? What are the most helpful messages we should give?

One of the most important principles of parenting is that the feelings behind a child's behavior must be recognized, accepted, understood, and openly dealt with, before the behavior can change. Until that happens, the unwanted behavior - or behavior even less welcome to the parent - will only continue. How could it be otherwise? It is the same with adults, after all. If we "misbehave" toward our partner, but he or she makes no effort to understand and accept the feelings which brought about that behavior, and doesn't hear the message we are trying to send, we will continue to try to express those feelings in the same, or even less effective and less welcome ways.

The mother's first reaction, to pick up her son and tell him gently not to bite, and her second reaction, to leave him alone, may have been well-intended, but they are both incomplete and ineffective. Discipline, whose Latin root means "to teach", is not about rewarding or punishing; it is about helping the child to learn new skills. Appropriate, loving, and effective messages to a "misbehaving" child have three elements:

Reassuring the child that his feelings are important, and have been heard and taken seriously, through full, loving attention. Without this message, he will feel rejected and misunderstood, and those feelings will only lead to further unwanted behavior.

Informing the child that the behavior in question is not the best way to have his needs met. Without this message, he will miss important, valid learning about the needs of others.

Modeling the preferred behavior to show the child what more appropriate and effective behavior would look like, so that in the future he can have his needs met in an easier and more productive way. Without this message, he will be limited to the same behaviors he has already tried, and little will change.

With all three elements in mind, the mother in our story may have picked up her son and said "Ouch! No biting - that hurts! I can see that you're upset, but I want you to use words, not teeth: "Mommy, I want a hug too." Even if the child is too young to repeat the words or to remember to use them next time, repeated reminders like this will eventually give him new and better tools to use in having critical needs met.

When we are careful to respond with all three elements in place, we give these underlying messages: "All human beings have feelings. Feelings are not 'good' or 'bad'; they are normal, valid, and important. I love you enough to stop and really pay attention to what it is you're trying to tell me, in the only way you can tell me in this moment, at this age, and in these circumstances. I do not like being bitten any more than you would like it. At the same time, I understand that you would not have done this unless you were feeling angry/ sad/ upset/ worried/ disturbed about something. I take your needs and feelings seriously, and I'll help you to find better ways to express your feelings so that everyone's needs are met."

Such an approach is the most effective, and indeed the only way to ensure that unwanted behavior will change for the better, long-term. In the story we began with, biting was clearly the only means this child had at his disposal at that moment, with all of his previous experience and his current feelings and needs, to try to communicate something important to his mother. Reacting solely to the behavior, while ignoring the feelings behind it, is a common response by parents who were treated this way in their own childhood. It's time to make changes.

One of our Natural Child Project Parenting Cards© sums it up this way: "Look past the behavior... what is your child feeling?" When we focus on a child's needs and feelings, rather than the specific behavior we wish to change, we can then truly communicate our love for our child. That the behavior will then improve is almost a side issue. As Mozart wrote, "Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." It is also the soul of parenting.

Note: a random Parenting Card can be drawn at www.naturalchild.org/parenting_cards/parenting_cards.html

Be sure to make it clear that you value the friendship, and let her know what you like and appreciate about her parenting. Then talk about how you feel when the children interact. If you can focus on the interaction between the children, rather than the behavior of one particular child (or parent), it will be much easier for your friend to hear what you have to say. It would also be helpful to stay in first-person ("I" statements) and avoid second-person ("you" statements). For example, "I feel frustrated when the children aren't getting along" is much more likely to be heard than "The way you are handling this situation frustrates me."

One approach would be to ask how the two of you, as parents, can help all the children to be both assertive and cooperative. You might ask her to consider what might be triggering aggressive behavior within the group. This really is about all the children interacting together ("Are the visits too long? Do we spend too much time talking with each other, and not giving our children enough undivided attention? Could we meet in a calmer or more neutral location?") Ask her if the two of you can brainstorm some solutions together. It will be crucial to communicate acceptance and support as opposed to criticism, exasperation, or anger. For example, you might say something like "It must be hard to intervene with two children when you also have a third child needing your attention. Is it OK for me to intervene sometimes?"

There are really three parts to this situation:

How can the stress level be reduced generally, for everyone?

How can the two of you help all of the children to learn peaceful conflict resolution?

How can the two of you protect all of the children from being physically hurt and from developing an image of themselves as victims or bullies?

In a way, this kind of situation offers an excellent opportunity to discuss conflict resolution with all the children. And don't forget to ask them for solutions too. Children often come up with much more creative ideas than we do.

If your friend expresses specific concerns about her 5-year-old's behavior, at that point it might be appropriate to suggest various possible approaches, such as an elimination diet to determine possible food allergies, finding more support for your friend (such as a "mother's helper", the La Leche League, supportive counseling, and so on). You might add that "next time it might be my child", to let her know that she is not being seen as a "bad" parent. The key here is to wait until your friend introduces the topic, and to offer suggestions in a gentle, caring, and supportive way. Introducing concerns about one specific child yourself is likely to bring about a defensive reaction.

The most effective approach may be to model gentle guidance with your own children, and gentle intervention with all the children. Modeling can be very effective as it is both educational and non-confrontational.

If nothing changes, and you see your children continually being bullied or hurt, it may be necessary to take a break from having the children together. If this is done before the situation becomes too difficult, a temporary separation could be done without risking the friendship. Sometimes, giving children a break for a few weeks may allow them to miss each other or to get past a certain stage.

Ultimately, you, as the parent, are responsible for protecting your own children. Don't hesitate to set some limits if needed - establishing shorter visits, taking breaks from having the children together, or gently intervening. There is really a whole continuum of responses in this situation, depending on how aggressive the behavior is, and the ability of the two of you to communicate and work together - from modeling, to gentle brainstorming, to setting limits to protect your children.

This kind of problem is not insurmountable, but it will take empathy and support. I highly recommend Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion as well as the
communication workshops offered on Dr. Rosenberg's website.

Also recommended:

Parent Effectiveness Training : The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children by Dr. Thomas Gordon

Your Competent Child: Toward New Basic Values for the Family by Jesper Juul

How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I'm delighted to hear that you have avoided crying-it-out, despite the frustrations you and your daughter are having. In my opinion, the healthiest solution would be to return to a cosleeping arrangement. That would meet your need to stay in your own bed all night, and would also meet your daughter's need to be closer to you. I feel sure that retrieving her pacifier is secondary to her need to have your attention and presence. But this is a very normal and healthy need! For hundreds of thousands of years, babies this age and older were held all night. This is a perfectly natural and understandable desire for a three-year-old - or a 33-year-old! In natural societies, and in most societies around the world today, cosleeping for many years is the norm. From all that we know of human history, it is a safe guess that few if any children were ever isolated at night. Such a practice would most likely have been seen as incomprehensible. Yet Western cultures are determined to force babies to grow up quickly, and consider separate sleeping as a sign of maturity, even though most adults have sleeping partners.

I have only the question you sent in, so I don't know if there are special circumstances for your family. But if the problem is that the bed isn't large enough for everyone, an alternative would be to remove the bed and place futons or mattresses on the entire bedroom floor. That will allow everyone more room.

The fact that your daughter is still using a pacifier gives us a clue. If she were still nursing, she would be held while falling asleep, like all nursing babies and toddlers. Just because she isn't nursing doesn't mean that she is ready to lose the holding too! In fact it makes holding that much more important. Non-nursing babies are inevitably held less during the day. And here's an interesting fact - nursing babies grow up to be children who have higher IQs than non-nursing babies. We used to think it was the nutrition in breastmilk, but it turned out to be the extra holding! The following excerpt is from Dr. George Wootan's article "Breastfeeding: New Discoveries": "... the increased opportunity for parent-child bonding offered by breastfeeding is a widely known benefit of nursing, which brings up an interesting sidelight. A baby can have lots of brain cells, but they won't do any good unless they're interconnected. The nerve fibers that connect these cells are called dendrites. And what develops dendrites? You probably said breast milk ... right? Wrong! Touching develops dendrites. Holding, touching, and stroking a baby, as a mother naturally does while nursing (you can prop a bottle but not a breast), helps the child develop the way nature intended, both physically and emotionally." Perhaps you are wondering if she is manipulating you. But no child should be seen as manipulating anyone if she is trying to meet legitimate and important emotional needs. A compassionate response to a child expressing loneliness at night does not "spoil" her; it simply tells her loud and clear that she is loved and cherished. No human being of any age can be "overcherished".

If cosleeping is just not feasible, I hope you can at least consider having her in the same room with you. Fighting a child's age-appropriate needs can only delay her development, and endanger the parent-child bond in the bargain. As Naomi Aldort wrote, "Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to her needs fully during each stage of her life, she can be done with that stage and move on." And move on she will! My son is now 22. Holding him as he fell asleep is one of my fondest memories. You'll be amazed at how quickly these early years go by. Enjoy them while you can!

Recommendations:

"Harvard Researchers Say Children Need Touching and Attention"
"Babies Need Their Mothers Beside Them"
"Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child at Night" I also highly recommend Tine Thevenin's book The Family Bed for information on all aspects of co-sleeping. We have posted the first chapter on our web site.

I am a new mom-to-be with no experience with baby-care or child-care. I am currently preparing my life for my baby by making sure I have all the baby gear I will need. However, the "gear" recommended by so many websites and other mothers seems like too much is designed to keep baby quiet: swings, bouncers, jumpers, mobiles. Are these things really necessary or are they substitutions for parental attention?

Thank you for asking about this important topic! Most of the baby items sold today are not only unnecessary and expensive, but harmful and as you suggest, they are all substitutes for the more natural and beneficial things that only parents can give. Such items as swings and bouncers take the place of parent-and-baby play. Formula, bottles, and bottle warmers substitute for breastfeeding. Pacifiers take the place of nursing for comfort. Cribs take the place of co-sleeping, playpens take the place of holding, and strollers substitute for carrying.

Many of these items came about during the 1940's and 1950's, when our culture, focussing on post-war "modernization" saw mothering as yet another occupation that could benefit from modern inventions. While new household gadgets, such as dishwashers, vacuum cleaners, and washing machines, have made housework easier, parenting-related items have only made life more difficult for both parents and children. It's much more likely that a child will look forward to sleeping next to a parent than sleeping alone in a crib, making bedtime a pleasure for everyone, instead of the most dreaded time of day. Because babies prefer natural, age-old approaches, substitute items will inevitably be fought, leading to repeated conflicts between parent and baby. Such conflicts endanger their relationship, and to what purpose? I feel great sadness when I read about parents who let their baby "cry it out" in a crib. Not only is this process painful for all concerned, it accomplishes nothing worthwhile, and gives many harmful messages to the baby that no one can be counted on in times of need, that they are not worth caring about, and - worst of all - that it's OK to disregard another person's needs and feelings, if you are in a position to do so. These harmful messages can remain within the child as a general life philosophy long after the specific experiences have been forgotten.

So which items are truly useful and beneficial for new parents? Not very many: a king-size bed (or futons covering the bedroom floor), a comfortable sling, a breastfeeding pillow, a breastfeeding footstool, a nursing necklace (if needed), and, especially, good books on attachment parenting. As Marilyn Hogan writes, "Baby equipment should only be used to enhance the bond between parents and baby."

Recommendations
What is the Best Baby Equipment? Marilyn Hogan
Ten Reasons to Wear your Baby by Laura Simeon

Books on attachment parenting
http://www.naturalchild.org/bookshop/attachment_parenting

Books on babies
http://www.naturalchild.org/ bookshop/babies

The real problem here seems not to be your child's personality traits, but unhelpful comments from others. It might be helpful for you to memorize some phrases for such occasions, such as "Thank you for your friendliness, but she needs some time to warm up to new people. I'm sure she'll be more comfortable with you when she gets to know you." Try to avoid labeling her as "shy" which has negative connotations in our society.

One phrase that I found particularly helpful when my son's quiet ways were questioned, was "he's still learning"; for example, "He's still learning to be comfortable with new people", "He's still learning to play with new friends" or "He's still learning to share toys". This type of statement will give the message to others - as well as to your child - that she is always growing and learning, and that labels like "shy" are therefore unrealistic. Then change the subject. Focus more on your daughter's needs in those situations than on the adult who has made an unhelpful remark. We owe more to our child than to anyone! Having a parent dependably on their side is critical for every child's emotional health.

Ideally, we can stand up for a child in a way that avoids hurting anyone's feelings. One practical way to discourage people from intruding on your daughter's space is to carry her or keep her close to you. Most adults are less likely to invade your personal space than your daughter's - even though she deserves that respect no less than you do. Toddlers are usually happier to be carried or held in such situations, which should ease things that much more.

Unfortunately, many adults in our society mistrust and actually dislike children, even those who are in professions working with children. And many adults don't make the effort to understand the causes of a child's behavior - they focus on the behavior alone and draw the wrong conclusions - in large part because they simply don't know the child well. If you have trouble getting through to a particular person, it can help to use the "broken record" technique. Just keep repeating the phrases, and eventually they should stop what they're doing.

I'm glad to hear you are planning to homeschool. Shyness can increase in a school setting, which so often includes competitiveness, meanness, teasing, bullying, negative comparisons, rejection, and so on. Homeschooling research consistently finds that homeschoolers are several years ahead of their peers, both academically and socially. One of the most important benefits of homeschooling is the opportunity to interact with people of all ages - including their peers - who are after all, available evenings, weekends, and all summer.

While there is no way to force a child to be friendlier in social situations (any more than we can force a rose to bloom) there are some things you can try to reassure your daughter. When you are alone with her, you might talk about a recent get-together that was hard for her, validating her feelings, and giving her some encouragement: "I remember how hard it was for me to meet new people. When we see them next time, they won't be so new to you, and it should be a little easier." If a situation has been particularly stressful, it might be helpful to try some doll play or art work to help her express her feelings about what happened.

If you consistently show that you accept your daughter and love her unconditionally, she will then be free to develop in all areas at her own best pace. If you would like to discuss this further, I offer telephone counseling on attachment parenting, homeschooling, and personal topics.

Related articles:
"Intervening on Behalf of a Child in a Public Place - Part 1: Is It Our Business?"
"Intervening on Behalf of a Child in a Public Place - Part 2: What Can We Do?"
"Intervening on Behalf of a Child in a Public Place - Part 3: A Counselor Intervenes"
"No Room for Kids?"
"Church babysitter is disrespectful of toddler"
"Age Discrimination Endangers Human Rights for Young and Old Alike"

Ideally, no child would ever be asked to leave a cosleeping situation; instead, the parents would let the child know he is welcome to remain for as long as he still feels the need for his parents' company at night. If there are specific concerns - such as restless sleepers, or too many family members for one bed - there are solutions that can be tried, such as selling the bed and covering the floor with mattresses or futons.

Because each child has a unique path of development, there is no way for any other person to know when a particular child is ready for this transition. Only the child knows when that particular day has arrived. One factor that will play some part in this decision is the presence or absence of siblings. An only child will almost always choose to co-sleep longer than one who has the option of sharing a room with a sibling.

If your daughter is free to make the decision, you will not need any tips as the transition will then be natural and easy. There is no "best" or maximum age of departure; indeed, in some cultures, such as India, children often co-sleep until early adulthood. Only five percent of world cultures do not routinely co-sleep. Or to put it another way, in 95% of the world's cultures, parents would never think to ask when a child should move to a solitary sleeping arrangement. We ask such questions because we are heavily influenced by mainstream opinions in our culture, and it can be a challenge to do things differently. Yet the large numbers of emotionally troubled adults in our society should give us pause. Clearly, detached parenting works to no one's benefit.

Childhood is so fleeting. Enjoy the snuggling, knowing that you are doing all you can to meet your daughter's need for love and reassurance at night. Now that my son is in his twenties, and I look back on our time together in his early years, cosleeping is one of my most beautiful and poignant memories.

Long-term Effects of Bed-sharing

Recommendations:

Cosleeping articles (Natural Child Project)

Family Bed FAQ (Dr. James McKenna)

The Family Bed: An Age Old Concept in Child Rearing by Tine Thevenin

The Family Bed (First Chapter, "A Rediscovery")

My daughter is a very happy and content 6-month-old. We had a wonderful home birth, we co-sleep, and she spends most of her time on my body in some fashion, (sling, back-pack, etc). I have had NO desire to utilize a stroller and do not own one. It just does not seem (to me) to be a "good" place for a child. However, my husband would like to use one and I have found no writings on this issue and would like to know if their is support for or against strollers and why.

In books such as The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff, we learn that for millennia, infants and babies were carried all day. When they reached a certain developmental stage, they then let the parent know that they wanted to be let down to explore on their own. In that society, and presumably in all other human societies for millions of years, babies and children had their needs met as completely as possible, and grew up to be happy, content, and self-sufficient adults.

The rule of thumb is that the more we can meet our children's needs on any one level, the easier it is for them to move to the next developmental level, and the more complete their emotional growth. More and more research is establishing the critical importance of touch and eye contact for optimal physical and emotional growth - needs that cannot be met when a child is pushed in a stroller. However, in our society, there can be special circumstances that make a stroller helpful - for example, a mother of twins or small children close in age, or a parent with back trouble, who cannot carry much weight. Some parents find a stroller handy when shopping with a child - but even then, it would be better to use the stroller for the packages and carry the child. If your husband has a different concern, feel free to write to me about it. But if there is no special reason to use a stroller, it is certainly better to carry a child, who will then benefit from our touch, eye contact, and emotional closeness. These are important experiences in infancy and childhood that are impossible to overdo.

Recommendations:

Benefits of Infant & Childhood Massage website

The Continuum Concept
by Jean Liedloff

Infant Massage: A Handbook for Loving Parents
by Vimala Schneider McClure
0553346326

Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent
by Meredith F. Small

Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin
by Ashley Montagu

As your son is no longer nursing, we need to look for other causes. Some possibilities include wheat, cow's milk, or other food allergies (test with an elimination diet), too much light (room-darkening blinds can be a great help), reaction to stress (try simplifying each day's events).

Establishing a bedtime ritual, such as a warm bath followed by book reading (Goodnight Moon is relaxing, as the pictures become gradually darker); soft music or singing, or a gentle massage can also be very soothing. Parents should try as much as possible to avoid stressful situations in the evening. Young children are the "emotional barometers" in the family, and can react to stress and excitement even if they are too young to understand the causes of this. Parents should also avoid loud noises and bright lights, especially close to bedtime. A dimmer switch can be helpful in this transition - electric lights, with their sudden shift from brightness to darkness are a new stimulus for a Stone Age baby! In a recent study, jasmine scent sprayed on bedding was found to help subjects fall asleep more quickly and to sleep more soundly. "Sleep talking" (talking softly to a sleeping child) is another helpful approach, during which a parent can ask the baby or child for help, provide explanations of stressful situations, apologize when needed, or simply express love to the child.

Returning to a family bed arrangement may be the most helpful remedy. Your doctor may be right; the wakefulness could indeed be related to his attachment to you. However, this kind of attachment is a positive, not a negative factor! It is simply not possible for a child to be "too" attached. On the contrary, it is critically important for a young child to have his emotional needs met in a loving and trusting way.

Finally, remember the Motherhood Mantra. "This too shall pass," even when it feels like nothing will ever change. One day you will look back on this stage with a sweet longing and an amazement that it went by so quickly! These early years are an opportunity to enjoy a toddler's love in all its purity.

Two excellent books on the subject of sleep are:
The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin
Nighttime Parenting by Dr. William Sears

My children and I attend a playgroup regularly. One of the mothers in the group has a 5 year old who tends to bully my children. I don't feel that she intervenes enough and when she does, she, in my opinion, is not firm. How do I talk to her about it? I do not wish to fade away from the group and I would like to remain friends with her.

What a tough situation! A child's challenging behavior is one of the most delicate subjects to broach with a friend. We all tend to feel judged when our child's behavior (or our own) is questioned or criticized.

Be sure to make it clear that you value the friendship, and let her know what you like and appreciate about her parenting. Then talk about how you feel when the children interact. If you can focus on the interaction between the children, rather than the behavior of one particular child (or parent), it will be much easier for your friend to hear what you have to say. It would also be helpful to stay in first-person ("I" statements) and avoid second-person ("you" statements). For example, "I feel frustrated when the children aren't getting along" is much more likely to be heard than "The way you are handling this situation frustrates me."

One approach would be to ask how the two of you, as parents, can help all the children to be both assertive and cooperative. You might ask her to consider what might be triggering aggressive behavior within the group. This really is about all the children interacting together ("Are the visits too long? Do we spend too much time talking with each other, and not giving our children enough undivided attention? Could we meet in a calmer or more neutral location?") Ask her if the two of you can brainstorm some solutions together. It will be crucial to communicate acceptance and support as opposed to criticism, exasperation, or anger. For example, you might say something like "It must be hard to intervene with two children when you also have a third child needing your attention. Is it OK for me to intervene sometimes?"

There are really three parts to this situation:
* How can the stress level be reduced generally, for everyone?
* How can the two of you help all of the children to learn peaceful conflict resolution?
* How can the two of you protect all of the children from being physically hurt and from developing an image of themselves as victims or bullies?

In a way, this kind of situation offers an excellent opportunity to discuss conflict resolution with all the children. And don't forget to ask them for solutions too. Children often come up with much more creative ideas than we do.

If your friend expresses specific concerns about her Five-year-old's behavior, at that point it might be appropriate to suggest various possible approaches, such as an elimination diet to determine possible food allergies, finding more support for your friend (such as a "mother's helper", the La Leche League, supportive counseling, and so on). You might add that "next time it might be my child", to let her know that she is not being seen as a "bad" parent. The key here is to wait until your friend introduces the topic, and to offer suggestions in a gentle, caring, and supportive way. Introducing concerns about one specific child yourself is likely to bring about a defensive reaction.

The most effective approach may be to model gentle guidance with your own children, and gentle intervention with all the children. Modeling can be very effective as it is both educational and non-confrontational.

If nothing changes, and you see your children continually being bullied or hurt, it may be necessary to take a break from having the children together. If this is done before the situation becomes too difficult, a temporary separation could be done without risking the friendship. Sometimes, giving children a break for a few weeks may allow them to miss each other or to get past a certain stage.

Ultimately, you, as the parent, are responsible for protecting your own children. Don't hesitate to set some limits if needed - establishing shorter visits, taking breaks from having the children together, or gently intervening. There is really a whole continuum of responses in this situation, depending on how aggressive the behavior is, and the ability of the two of you to communicate and work together - from modeling, to gentle brainstorming, to setting limits to protect your children.

This kind of problem is not insurmountable, but it will take empathy and support. I highly recommend Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent
Communication: A Language of Compassion, the communication workshops offered on Dr. Rosenberg's website, and his article "The Protective Use of Force".

Other recommended books:
* Parenting from Your Heart by Inbal Kashtan
* Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible
Children by Dr. Thomas Gordon
* Your Competent Child: Toward New Basic Values for the Family
by Jesper Juul

The advice my husband and I were given 20 years ago, when we first considered homeschooling, still stands. First, read John Holt's How Children Learn. It's an easy read, short and sweet, and explains very clearly precisely what the title promises. This is a book that all parents can benefit from, regardless of the educational decisions they make. This is the "why homeschool" book. Second, read Teach Your Own, also by Holt. It's packed with useful information on the best ways to approach homeschooling - it's the best "how to" book. I have posted a chapter from Teach Your Own on the Natural Child Project website.

Even before you make a final decision, look for a homeschooling or unschooling support group in your area. Meeting homeschooling families is an excellent way to learn about local resources, legal requirements in your state, and planned activities for families. But most of all this is the best way to find encouragement and helpful suggestions, and answers to questions and concerns.

To find a group near you, type "unschooling [name of nearest city]" or "homeschooling [name of nearest city]" in Google. Jon's Homeschooling website at www.midnightbeach.com/ is an excellent resource. It includes lists of support groups by state, legal information, articles, links, and much more. Montessori homeschooling support groups are listed at http://www.montessori.edu/homeschoolgroups.html.
General information is at http://www.montessori.edu/homeschooling.html.

Most of all, relax. The only parents who find homeschooling difficult are those who try to set up a school in their home, based on their own memories and experiences. Homeschooling done well is very different from school in almost every area. The term "homeschooling" has proven to be very misleading. Homeschooling children do not spend all of their time at home, nor is their learning approached in the same way that it would be in school. In fact, many of the assumptions about learning found in public school teaching are reversed in homeschooling. At its best and most effective, it is simply a continuation of the same approach all parents use before their child reaches so-called "school age". If a toddler shows an interest in a particular subject, the parents will find books about it, look for toys that relate to it, tell the child stories and their own memories about that subject, and so on. When it's done well, homeschooling should feel comfortable and easy.

The main element in successful homeschooling is trust. We trust the children to know when they are ready to learn and what they are interested in learning. We trust them to know how to go about learning. Homeschooling is an attempt to follow the principles of natural learning, and to help children retain the curiosity, enthusiasm, and love of learning that every child has at birth.

I offer telephone counseling on homeschooling/unschooling as well as parenting. I can be reached at 877-593-1547.