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	ask the experts joe kelly

Joe Kelly
Fathering

• Nine year old sleeping with father
• 14 year old daughter failing at school due to lying
• Why Dads and Daughters
• Resources for Stay At Home Dads
• Books for an expecting father?
• The role of dads in the spiritual development of daughters.
• 4 year old daughter rude and cold to father
• Schools and fathers
• A father's normal parental physical contact with his daughter as she grows up

My boyfriend, a weekend dad with a small apartment, still shares a bed with his daughter. She will be nine soon. I realize this is a subjective and cultural issue, but at what age should she definitely sleep in a different bed? Could there potentially be any legal issues to consider? Thanks!

This is a difficult issue to talk about or develop clear perspectives on, given the prevalence in our culture of 1) distorted notions about what constitutes healthy sexuality; and, 2) continuing tolerance for abuse of children by parents (one such case is too many). That said, in my book Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Support, and Understand Your Daughter (Broadway, 2003), I spend two chapters discussing the complex issues involved in nurturing a healthy, affectionate father-daughter relationship during the pre-adolescent and adolescent years. We dads grew up as boys and didn't experience the intricate web of issues girls face when it comes to body boundaries. Therefore, it's imperative that we educate ourselves about them so that we can respect and respond to our daughters' developing sense of themselves and their bodies. They key is to follow her lead, and not force my own feelings or needs onto her. In this case, at eight years old, the daughter may not be entering puberty now, so her potential sexuality may not be central as yet. Let me be clear: Doing anything sexual with a daughter or stepdaughter (no matter what her age) is the surest way to guarantee that her life will be deeply damaged for a long time, if not forever. For example, many people in prison or drug and alcohol treatment were sexually abused as children. No abuse or trauma on one's own past ever justifies perpetrating more sexual abuse. No matter how great our confusion or fear about our growing daughters, there is never, ever any excuse for sexual abuse. None. There is also never, ever any excuse for tolerating sexual abuse. None. Ever. Period. (If we were having this conversation in person, at this point, my voice would be raised.)

 But we should not presume that any or all fatherly affection or contact is, ipso facto, sexual or otherwise inappropriate. Healthy "good touch" affection from a father and/or stepfather is essential for a daughter. What is good touch? Touch is good when it does the following for its recipient:

• Comforts her
• Affirms her as a person
• Supports her
• Respects and is sensitive to her person and her boundaries
• Is given with her permission
• Is given freely, with no quid pro quo
• Helps her feel strong, lovable and able to delight in herself
• Is not sexual.

Good touch is not confined to fatherly hugs and kisses. Good touch can happen when, together with our daughters, we garden, play handball, do carpentry, take dance lessons, train the dog, wrestle, shoot baskets, go for a walk, or do any number of things. This dad needs to be acutely aware of what's ahead in his daughter's pubescence and adolescence: her emerging sexuality and the complex body boundary and body image issues girls must navigate in our society. He must be prepared to respond appropriately and immediately to those developments, following her lead in a way that sends her the unequivocal message that her body is her own domain, and no one else's—no exceptions allowed.

Meanwhile, now—and for every day of her life—he helps her (and himself) immensely by making clear that he loves her for who she is and who she hopes to become.

What's the best way to approach our 14 year old daughter who is failing classes because she lies to us and teachers about homework (whether it's done, how it was lost, whether she has any - she's been caught cheating on assignments)? She shows no remorse, acknowledges that she has lied, says she's ready to turn things around, but nothing changes. For lack of another word (and I don't like this one) she just seems lazy. Over the past 2 years we've gone through the gambit with no success. Here's what we've tried already: Testing for learning disabilities, special concessions for test-taking, counseling, grounding, rewarding, straight-talk, love talk, study skills & homework programs, accompanying her to school, and daybooks to track assignments. Other than this area, she seems to be succeeding - making good choices for friends & first boyfriend, is in choir, responsible (for her age), articulate, affectionate, speaks her mind, etc. However, she starts high school soon and we're growing increasingly concerned about her ability/desire to graduate. What do we do now?

Although your portrait says a lot, it doesn't say much about what your daughter is thinking or feeling. Does she just not like traditional schooling? Is she bored? Artistic? Confident? Since she acknowledges she lies about schoolwork, does she understand and say why she does?

One option to consider is homeschooling, or even a^?oeunschoolinga^??, a form of homeschooling where the child takes primary responsibility for her learning. You can try "http://www.midnightbeach.com/hs/ for a good, unbiased overview of the honeschooling possibilities (written by a dad) and http://info.nbtsc.org/schoolfree/ which is an unschooling resource website compiled by teens.

Again, ita^?(TM)s hard to speculate with the amount of information provided in the question, but it might be that this girl has a hidden problem with alcohol or other drugs. An alcoholic can function very highly in some areas of her life and very poorly in others. A responsible counselor will explore for symptoms of such problems; if the counselor you used did NOT ask these questions, then I suggest finding another counselor.

Why talk about Dads and Daughters? Isn't raising girls primarily a mother's job?

No, it's not. Fathers aren't more important than mothers, but they're not less important either. A father sets the standard for what his daughter or stepdaughter will expect from boys now and from men later. That's a big responsibility -- and a big opportunity, too.

Yes, we may sometimes feel a bit lost since none of us grew up a girl. But, my daughter isn't growing up a boy, either, so there are some valuable perspectives I can give her by drawing on stories from my youth.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg of our influence. The bottom line: as fathers, we have a huge influence on all of our children, regardless of their gender, and we have to make sure to use that influence in as positive a way as we possibly can.

My husband is a stay at home dad parenting our nine month old daughter. What resources are available for stay at home dads? Are there parent groups, or any particular literature that speaks to this arrangement?

The first place to go is www.slowlane.com, the online resource for at-home dads (Or, AHDs, as we call ourselves). Slowlane has tons of resources, articles and links-including links to many local AHD groups. I also strongly recommend the At Home Dad Newsletter, a fun, useful periodical - get subscription info by emailing Athomedad@aol.com

Often, your community's Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) program will have information about local AHD groups or resources, too. I'd also recommend my own book about fathering daughters; while not specifically an AHD book, it is based on many years of being an at-home dad with my twin girls: Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Support and Understand Your Daughter (Broadway Boos, 2003) And, of course, your husband should check out www.dadsanddaughters.org - the website of the national Dads and Daughters nonprofit.

He's one lucky guy!

I was wondering what books you would recommend for an expecting father?

I would strongly recommend "The Expectant Father" by Armin Brott and Jennifer Ash (Abbeville Press). Armin has written a series of outstanding books for fathers, and this is one of the best. I'd also encourage you to read "The Collected Wisdom of Fathers" by Will Glennon (Conari Press) -- while it's not specifically for expecting dads, it is a wonderful introduction to passion and power of being a father. Both are excellent books!

I am the father of 2 girls ages 18 and 9. I have looked around your website and was wondering if you have an opinion on the role of dads in the spiritual development of daughters.

I think fathers have a key role in every aspect of a daughter's development. In our role as "first man" in her life, we set the standard for what she expects from boys now and men later-in terms of spiritual, emotional, psychological, sexual, and relational development. Here's how I put it in my book Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Support, and Understand Your Daughter (Broadway Books, 2003):

Fathers influence how daughters see themselves. With a father's positive words and support, a daughter can be safe and healthy, and can thrive no matter where life takes her. A girl whose father listens to and respects her will expect her life partner (and every man in her life) to listen to her and treat her well.

When we first reflect on the enormity of this influence and responsibility, it can seem overwhelming-even oppressive. As one dad told me, "If I screw up, that means she's going to spend the rest of her life with a screw-up. I don't want that!" Well, don't despair and don't give up. We can do the job well, even if we sometimes feel like we're completely in the dark. There's no magic formula for fathers to follow, but talking to each other sheds light on how to proceed-recognizing that fathering is far more art than it is science.

Our 4 year old daughter is often rude and cold to her father. He is away at work all day, but is otherwise very involved in parenting, is very loving, and reacts to her rebuffs in a loving way, not taking it to heart, but telling her he is sad that she doesn't want him. Should I push them together or try to stop her from being rude to him? She is always much more accepting of him and comfortable with him after they have spent alot of time together.

My guess is that the answer to the problem is at the end of your question. You two parents can arrange regular times when Dad is the only one around with daughter, so the two of them get dedicated time together-the thing that seems to break down her resistance. In addition to setting aside time on weekends, maybe there are one or two evenings a week when Mom can go to the library or do food shopping by herself, so Dad can do the evening playing and bedtime routine.

One important thing for both parents to keep an eye out for is "gatekeeping." Moms usually have far more experience dealing with kids than Dads do (compare how much babysitting you each did as teens, for example) and our culture continues to think of dads as secondary parents.

These things make it easy for parents to unintentionally fall into a routine where Mom sets the parenting schedule and guidelines. Dads feel left out (or relieved to cop-out) and often feel criticized and judged by how they parent the child - because women and men parenting styles do tend to be different, and the difference is beneficial to the child (whereas scorekeeping about who does it "better" isn't).

Keep in mind that gatekeeping isn't anyone's "fault"-most times, both Mom and Dad unconsciously collude in the arrangement. If you both watch out for gatekeeping, you'll both enjoy your parenting more-and so will your kids!

Have you found schools to be helps or hindrances in your fathering experience?

It depends upon the school. When our daughters were in grade school, I was lucky enough to have a job that (most days) ran from 4:00 AM to Noon, leaving me free to volunteer at their school in the afternoon. Most teachers welcomed me to the classroom to read to students. However, most grade schools have few (if any) males adults around-usually one wearing a tie (the principal), one wearing a whistle (the phy-ed teacher), and one holding a broom (the custodian). Our elementary schools need more positive male mentors available, as teachers and parents.

Sadly, the legacy of men perpetrating abuse on children makes it harder for institutions like schools to accept male employees and volunteers. The solution to that problem is not whining about the unfairness of being lumped in with perpetrators. Rather, it is an absolute refusal to tolerate abuse in our concepts of what it means to be a man, hold our abusive brothers accountable, do a better job of holding up public examples of engaged fathers who parent children well, and raise our sons accordingly. It also means taking our good fathering routine into schools so children can learn how a good man lives his life.

It seems that there is a lot of societal pressure on fathers to cut off physical contact with their daughters when they start maturing physically. I think this is very detrimental to the daughter's image of herself and of the relationship between herself and her father and other men. How can a father overcome this societal pressure to cut off normal parental physical contact with his daughter as she grows up?

The primary thing fathers and stepfathers need to realize is that their daughters (and sons) need their healthy physical affection, no matter what societal pressures say. After all, a dad wouldn't think about societal pressures to be neat and clean if his child fell down a hole and he had to get covered in mud to dig her out.

However, dads have to be aware of some important things when it comes to being affectionate with daughters. In our culture, girls tend to have more complex body boundary issues than boys. Girls learn from culture and family that they have greater risk of physical violation. In response, girls feel the need to command their personal space. But they also place great importance on relationships. As girls develop, they don't always want to feel separate from others. They may go back and forth in an emotional and psychological tug of war with their desire for connection and space.

Developing boundaries is an essential part of this process, but a girl's boundaries and their changing dimensions have more subtlety and motion than a father may have felt when defining his own boundaries as a youngster. Therefore, fathers have to be more tuned in and aware to pick up on the shape and status of our daughters' boundaries –and then make sure never to violate them.

The key to healthy affection is good touch. What is good touch? Touch is good when it does the following for its recipient: