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	ask the experts rick hanson

Rick Hanson
Clinical Psychologist

• Separation anxiety in four year old
• Explosive temper in 10 year old
• Excitable and dramatic 11 year old
• Disciplining a teen
• Child jealous of father's affection for mother

How can I help my four and a half year old son cope with his fears (mostly at night, bad dreams) and some separation anxiety? He is very happy at school, eats well and is a great, healthy kid.

It sounds like there is a great overall foundation of happiness and secure attachment in your son, within which there is an encapsulated issue of anxiety.

Anxiety—which includes the territory of fears, separation issues, phobias, compulsive behaviors, rigidity, shyness, and general jitteriness—has been well studied over the past several decades, for both adults and children, so there are lots of good things that could help your son. Here are some of my favorites:

• Teach general relaxation skills. Putting him to bed is a great time to do this. Try age-appropriate methods such as taking one big, full breath, or thinking of something that makes him feel happy and strong, or touching his lips with a knuckle. Then call him to use those methods at night, and then increasingly during the day.
• Encourage him to feel like he has sources of security deep inside his heart. Show him how a sponge soaks up water, or a T-shirt left outside absorbs warm sunlight and then talk with him about soaking in good feelings in the same way. This way, he is building up resources inside himself that he can draw upon when he feels nervous. And as with relaxation, gently encourage him to use those methods himself. It's all about getting more skillful and self-reliant in dealing with the inevitable difficulties of life.
• Have him imagine he is surrounded by a bubble of light, a kind of force field that keeps out anything he doesn't want.
• Don't push him too hard. Like Goldilocks with the Three Bears, you want to find the middle path. Sometimes we just ask too much of our children, and then it backfires. It's important when working with a child's anxiety issues, to remember that as humans evolved as primates in hunter-gatherer groups across millions of years, youngsters who did not want to stay close to their parents, especially at night, often did not live to pass along their genes.
• Use "talismans" like stuffed animals, crystals next to his bed or under his pillow, super-charmed pajamas, etc. to help him feel he has some "mojo" working for him. For example, I placed a Native American arrow over the doorway of each of our children's bedrooms and said it was there to protect them and ward off any harmful influences; even as teenagers, they liked having that arrow there. Unless it becomes a real problem, don't worry if he takes a physical talisman with him everywhere; he will eventually grow out of that, and he is still a very little boy. Along the same lines, you could use intangible talismans such as encouraging him to have a sense of a guardian angel, or to repeat a favorite saying (e.g., a prayer, or something out of Harry Potter, or a saying you make up yourselves). You could also do a night-time ritual of blessing his bedroom and bed, calling on the great powers of the North and South and East and West to protect him, invoking God, etc.
• Help him develop a list of reasons why he is safe at night. Here's the list my son and I came up with: "All the doors and windows in the house are locked. Mom and dad are just steps away. Dad is a light sleeper and wakes up if there are noises. We are not rich and do not have things that burglars want, like lots of jewels. The dogs next door bark at anything; if a prowler came by, they'd go crazy! No house has ever been burgled on our street. I am safe!"

Help! Our ten year old son, the eldest of four, is very challenging. He is by far one of the most sensitive, caring young boys I have ever met. He still gives me a hug goodbye in front of his buddies and can be so thoughtful. He is very bright and part of the gifted and talented program at his school. On the other hand, he has an explosive temper and is VERY argumentative. He can be very egocentric at times and hates to be wrong. He will slam doors and scream in rage at times when he is "made" to do something. My husband and I remain calm for the most part (occasionally I do raise my voice!) but we seem to be up against a brick wall. His teacher thinks he is a "very troubled" boy. Though I don't feel that he is troubled so much as he needs anger management/impulse help. Usually what happens is this: an adult will ask him to do something and if he doesn't want to do it he'll start to argue. Then when asked to stop arguing, or if he loses a privilege, he starts to clench his teeth and sort of growl/scream under his breath. He has never hurt anyone, but I am afraid it could happen in the future if we don't help him get a hold of his temper. Please help! Our house is a war zone these days!

I feel for your situation, really. In a way, the problem here is that many good qualities in your son—like often truly being the smartest person in the room, having a lot of emotional liveliness, feeling confident in his own opinions, and resisting being controlled—are just going too far.

Please consider these suggestions:

• Make sure his physiology is humming along optimally. (Jan and I have written about this at length on our website, www.NurtureMom.com) In brief, do the common-sense things like protein with every meal, minimal sugar, lots of wholesome foods, regular vitamins, lots of sleep, etc. And consider a thorough, holistic assessment—which may lead you to exploring, under the guidance of a licensed practitioner— "nutraceuticals" such as 5-hydroxytryptophan, the immediate precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin.
• Make sure there is no "X-factor" behind his anger, such as a family issue (e.g., getting pushed around by a sibling), stress at school, or getting bullied.
• Teach general-purpose skills of relaxation, self-calming, etc. You can learn more about how to do this from the literature on spirited children or from a counselor or parent educator. You could also explore things like yoga classes for children, certain martial arts, rock climbing, some sports, horseback riding, or even meditation classes that pull for appropriate emotional self-control.
  
  In a way that is not related to your own authority or the rules at home, develop the idea that people sometimes have "wrong thoughts." In other words, that they think things which are not accurate. You can point this out about yourself, perhaps humorously, or about others in books, etc. Introduce the notion that the mark of true intelligence—something your son undoubtedly values—is the ability to step back from one's thoughts and analyze them skeptically from many angles. Then, over time, start calling him to come up with some counters to his own thoughts: maybe by playfully switching roles and pretending (gently!) to be him having an argument with someone.
• Try to take on the "precept" of never speaking or acting in anger with any child, particularly your son.
• Make sure that you and your husband are clear about and at peace with being the ultimate authorities in your own home, and prepared to wield power ethically on that basis.
• Increase (if that's possible) your amount of expressed nurturance and caring for him. It's good in its own right, and it's good because the plan that follows will be stressful for him initially.
• Across all of his major settings, arrange for this values-based message to be delivered as often as is necessary, and with love and moral self-confidence:
  
  "Like everyone else, you do not get to boss people around, or not care about your impact on others. Nor do you get to yell, threaten, rage, or get violent with property.
  
  "Further, as a child, you must respect legitimate adult authority, especially that of your parents. We want to hear what you think, but when we say our decision is made, it's made, and you must obey it."
• With your husband, write out your expectations for him, tell him these are the new groundrules, and post them. Link your "house rules" to values and virtues (e.g., respect for others, empathy, patience, self-control, generosity).
• Talk with your son, human to human. Try to reason with him. Build on his intelligence and many other good qualities.
• With your husband, figure out in advance a program of potent rewards and penalties tied to your son's actual behavior. Maybe get some advice for this from a teacher, wise friend, counselor, parent educator, etc. One of the best general kinds of consequences are rewards-at-risk that are under your control: highly desirable to the child, and something that you do not care if he or she does not get (e.g., dessert). Sometimes parents consider that it is a net bottom-line benefit for all concerned to put a reward such as an hour a day of well-chosen computer games on the table, which can be lost in ten-minute intervals, giving you six small consequences a day right there. Money at risk is a similar kind of consequence. Obviously, do not take away things you want him to have, such as story time at night, family board games, sleepovers with friends, etc.
• For the first few weeks, be prepared for some explosions and major testing. It's OK to make some modifications to your program. But in general, stick with it! Within your values as parents, be prepared to go all the way to prevail, whatever that is for you (and I, like most therapists, am against corporal punishment or other extremes like public shaming). If your son looks in your eyes and realizes that you are completely willing—willing, though certainly not wanting—to go to the mat to establish appropriate parental authority, then he is much more likely to get with the new program sooner rather than later.

In my experience, in a month or less, a child who is acting like you describe will usually change dramatically if you follow the suggestions above in a thorough and comprehensive way. In the uncommon case that a child continues being a serious behavior problem, then you should definitely seek professional advice.

Take good care of yourselves during all this. It is wearing on parents as much as on children. Stay on the same page with each other, and make sure you are speaking with one voice with your son. And long walks, holding hands with your mate on the couch, long hot showers, smelling the roses, and good talks with friends can't hurt, either!

My question is regarding my daughter. She is 11 years old and very outgoing, exuberant, full of personality and very much her own unique person. While all of these are wonderful qualities, the one thing I struggle with is how to calm that personality in public situations, especially around other adults. She gets very excitable and dramatic, talks nonstop, usually interrupting others, and often saying things that I would rather she didn't. It can be awkward at times. So I just would love to have some pointers about how I can help her have better social sensitivity without discouraging her adult interactions or her vibrant personality. Thanks in advance for your input!

Your daughter sounds wonderful! And too much of any good thing can of course be a concern.

It's interesting that she is more contained around her peers, and more engaged in ordinary give-and-take with less of a movement toward placing others in the role of audience. That tells us that she's capable of observing herself, regulating her speech, being a good listener, and making space for others in conversation. So here are some ways that could help her apply her already-existing abilities to interactions with adults:

• Give lots of praise for her intelligence, vivacity, enthusiasm, and authenticity. Make it clear that no one wants her to be some kind of phony or different person.
• Put things in a values context. In other words, does she think it's fair for her to take up more than half of the conversational "space" with another person? Or more than a quarter, for instance, if she's part of a group of four people? She seems like a very good-hearted person, so you could ask her to consider general values like sharing, taking turns, being generous, helping others feel that she cares about them personally, etc.
• Also frame things in terms of her narrow self-interest (at her age, she is still probably pretty concrete). What are her goals for her relationships with others? For example, does she want them to want to listen to her in the future? Well, if she does, then you could ask her to look at things through the eyes of the other person and try to imagine: "What's it like for them to be with me? Would I want to spend a lot of time with someone who talked as much and interrupted as much as I do?"
• Encourage greater self-awareness. Is she aware of the amount of talking she is doing, how revved up she is getting? Does she have a sense of how many words she is expressing compared to others? Or a sense of how much "air time" she using?
• Encourage more focus on the pleasures of emotional intimacy, feeling peacefully joined with others, feeling calm in her body, learning new things from others, being praised for being a good and supportive listener, etc. In other words, rewards that could replace the gratifications she gets from her current style.
• Ask her to take in the attention she gets, especially from adults, so it becomes more of a permanent part of her psyche, and so she has less of a yearning for it.
• If need be, set specific groundrules or boundaries for her interactions, and call her to adhere to them as a simple matter of being fair with others and skillful with her own impulses—both of which will serve her greatly her whole life.

I am concerned about how to discipline our 14-year-old son. When he is requested to do/not to do something he will just refuse or ignore the request. He definitely needs guidance and to learn more respectful behavior, but each attempt at direction/discussion is met with a "whatever" type response. Pressing the matter only leads to him removing himself from the scene. I resist the urge to respond in an authoritarian manner (knowing it usually makes matters worse), but wonder how best to make him take us seriously and understand that his behavior needs to change, as a member of the family and the community. He is our third child and the only one to give us this challenge. I have been a Mothering reader for over 20 years and thought I was fairly savvy, but I'm feeling powerless (hopefully I don't show it!) and concerned that if we don't get our act together soon it will be too late and he'll be telling us what to do! Thank you for your help.

First of all, I would like to wish you well in what is undoubtedly—from our own experiences raising two teenagers—an often upsetting and challenging situation.

Second, I want to make a quick comment about values. There is a diversity of ways to be a good parent, and different parents emphasize different things in their approaches to their children. It is definitely not my place to tell any parent what I think his or her childrearing values should be. If I say something that is unaware of or at odds with your own values, please let me apologize for that in advance.

With all that in mind, here are some questions that will shape the skillful means for your situation—and they're the kind of questions worth asking whenever there's a concern about a child:

• How is your son doing, overall? Is he basically happy, comfortable with his friends, doing alright in school, and staying out of serious trouble with misbehaviors and drugs/alcohol?
• What's the tone of his treatment of you? Is it kind of a sullen passive resistance, or more problematic screaming, vicious language, or actual or threatened violence?
• Does he have any significant vulnerabilities, such as a chronic health problem, reactive temperament, learning difficulties, history of emotional issues, past illness or trauma or loss, etc.?
• What resources are available to help, such as a partner, mentors, older siblings, community resources, etc.?
• Why now? In other words, are there any recent factors that may have nudged your son in his current direction? What does your heart—and your gut—tell you is really going on with him?

For simplicity, let's suppose that he is doing pretty well overall, he's sullen and non-compliant but not screaming or cursing at you, there are no significant vulnerabilities, you and your partner are on the same page, and your son is just playing out a pretty typical adolescent rebelliousness about chores and attitude. Within this framework, here are some options for you to consider that I've seen help; of course, adapt them to your own situation.

Take the high road - Easier said than done, to be sure, but it sounds like you've been doing that fine so far by staying reasonably calm and restrained. If you haven't done so already, you could consider the personal commitment some parents make to never speak or act with their children out of anger. That way, you stay the grown-up in all interactions, help yourself think clearly, and avoid pouring gasoline on fiery teen feelings.

Speak from your heart - There is a tone of dignity, gravity, wholeheartedness, vulnerability, and "speaking truth to power" that is very powerful. It makes your inner world real to your children, and encourages them to open their hearts to you. This doesn't mean pleading, guilt-tripping, breaking down, turning your child into your parent, etc. It's simply saying things like, "Excuse me, but I am a real person, too, and when you blow me off, it hurts and makes me feel frustrated and disrespected."

Stay loving and relational - Ultimately, it is hard to resist anyone —even your mom!—who is steadily kind and open-hearted.

Name your values - Part of the job of being a parent is to point out ethical, moral, or character issues, from saying that it is good to share in preschool to saying it's bad to shoplift in high school. Yes, there are pitfalls to be avoided - shaming, self-righteous moralizing, etc.—but young people need to hear about principles to live by, like pulling their weight in any community, or being civil and kind to others . . . and these apply at home, as well.

Be confident about your authority as a parent - Reading a book such as Little House on the Prairie, you can see that only a couple generations ago, kids grew up an in atmosphere in which it was utterly clear that parents and other designated adults were to be treated with respect and deference. Sure, there are pitfalls, too, with taking that approach too far, but on the other hand there are widely apparent pitfalls with the current norm of children hearing messages all day long that adults are bumbling idiots to be disdained, ignored, evaded, or defied.

In order to be protected and guided appropriately, kids NEED their parents to have more power than they do. There are two dimensions at work in a family: a horizontal one where we meet as fellow beings together in a mysterious and marvelous plane of existence, and a vertical one in which—to use blunt language that brings the point home—children need to obey the legitimate exercise of authority by their parents.

There is a tremendous amount of research supporting this viewpoint, that the overall best-odds strategy for raising children is one characterized by high love, high encouragement for good character and doing their best, and moderate parental power.

Parental love and authority are not at odds with each other, not an either-or choice: they support each other, with love helping kids accept your authority, and the acceptance of your authority removing endless, upsetting arguments and stresses that can wear down the active and energetic expression of your love. It promotes the attachment of children - and the attachment-parenting style of raising a family - to establish their sense of a "secure base" by having parents with enough potency to protect and care for them.

Don't be needlessly annoying - For lots of reasons, most teenagers are amazingly prickly. Without walking on eggshells, minimize any ways you might be running your fingers over the chalkboard of your son's mind. Say whatever you need to say concisely and calmly, and then disengage; sputtering or nagging don't work very well. Decide what you think the little things are, and let them go. You could ask him what bugs him about you—the answers are sometimes horrifying, but often reassuring—and stop doing whatever is reasonable. In other words, do what is sensible to remove any mud in the water with him—and also to position yourself on the high moral ground where you can point out how you have responded to his needs and now it's his turn to respond to yours.

Use appropriate consequences - Wisdom comes from observing the consequences of actions, whether it's a toddler discovering what happens when he pulls the tail of the cat or a young adult seeing the results in college of her hard work in high school. By arranging appropriate consequences for our children, we help them learn good lessons from the school of life. If your son gives you the cold shoulder, maybe you don't give him a ride to his friend's house; if he picks up his clutter in the living room, maybe you surprise him with a CD. Either way it's his karma, which someone once defined as hitting golf balls in the shower.

Of course, we should do the right thing mainly because of internalized values of caring, responsibility, and a sense of right and wrong—but consequences motivate us grown-ups, too, on a daily basis: our paycheck is not a "bribe" but an incentive to do a good job, and the risk of getting a ticket helps keep the highways safe. Kids are smart and act according to what they expect will happen; if acting surly and selfish have worked in the past, then they expect those behaviors to work in the future. If you want their behaviors to change, you have to change their expectations by changing what happens when they act inappropriately.

With your partner, decide what your house rules are and what sort of rewards and penalties you are prepared to use. The key to success with consequences is that they be rewarding enough or unpleasant enough to make a difference. Look for things that your son cares a lot about, that are under your control, and that you don't mind if he loses. Common consequences with teenagers are money, TV, videogames, the computer, and rides.

Explain all this to your son (whose consent is not required—you are his parents), and then follow your plan very consistently. Expect an initial uproar of disbelief, resistance, and testing. Ignore any statements on his part that your approach won't work, it just makes him feel more rebellious than ever, his friends (and even their parents!) think you've lost your minds, etc. If you stay the course, within a few weeks your son's expectations will probably change and thus his behaviors.

Raise the stakes if you have to - In my experience, the approach above works at least 90% of the time. But occasionally, a child is so stubborn, or there are other, contributing factors (e.g., drugs and alcohol, history of trauma, serious temperamental tendencies, parental conflicts) that you could need to go to another level. That might involve professional counseling, resolving any contributing factors, summer programs, or—in the extreme—calling 911 if a teenager gets violent.

While these more intense measures are usually not needed, knowing about them in the back of your mind can be reassuring. And it can let your child know you are serious and it's a lot wiser to get back within bounds, in the range of normal teenage grumbling, moodiness, and limit-testing..

Take the long view - Nation-wide, over three in four teens sail through adolescence without any extremes of drug and alcohol use, trouble with the law, school problems, or outrageousness with their parents. And your obvious history of lovingness and good judgment with your son increases those odds tremendously in your own family. Most kids raised in an attachment-parenting framework have built up a kind of reserve in the bank of goodwill for their parents, and emotional self-control. You can have faith that all those years of nurturance and patience on your part will pay off, that this little apple really hasn't fallen that far from the tree!

My three and a half year old son gets very jealous if my husband and I show any affection towards each other. Sometimes he even says "he's not your husband, I'm your husband" and will become very angry with my husband, occasionally yelling and or hitting him. We have tried a low reactivity response hoping this would not fuel the fire so to speak (unless there was yelling or hitting) but it has been almost one year and seems to be getting more intense since I am now pregnant with our second child. What can we do to help our son "share Mommy"? We are attachment parents, home birth family who have co - slept since our son's birth.

My sense from your question is that your son is wanting to claim you as his alone, that he thinks he has the right to do that, and that this behavior of his has lasted for a long time in spite of your admirable patience and low reactivity.

His behaviors with you are quite common—and, unfortunately, pretty upsetting to everyone involved. As a dad myself, I can imagine something of what your husband could be experiencing, plus how it must be wrenching for you to feel pulled in two different directions as well as concerned about how your son may treat your new baby. And your son, too, is obviously distressed and threatened somehow by your relationship with your husband, and perhaps his sibling - to - come.

Jan nursed both our children for many years, we co - slept for many years after that, and we have always raised our children in a highly nurturing, attachment - parenting framework. So I know from direct experience that it is possible to be very nurturing while also setting reasonable boundaries with children.

As a fundamental perspective, I believe that it is in your son's best interests:

• For his parents to have an affectionate relationship in which each one feels cherished and special to the other, and in which they have times of contact that do not include their children (much like it's appropriate for a child to have times with his mother or father that do not include the other parent).
• To feel he must respect his parents' legitimate wishes (like wanting to hug each other without being interrupted)
• To know that he is part of a community in which he must sometimes give up getting what he wants to allow others to get what they want
• To feel in his bones that it is simply wrong to use force to get his way
• To learn to exercise appropriate control over his feelings and actions, such as not yelling at or hitting anyone
• To treat his younger brother or sister reasonably well

If you share this perspective, then it could be a kindness to your son—not just yourself, your husband, or your baby—to consider some of these options:

Make sure he is getting lots of nurturance - I bet this is already happening, but it is always worth a quick question. As appropriate, you could make a particular effort to give him your attention before shifting to your husband.

But to be clear, you can't and shouldn't always do that, and it is reasonable and wise to expect a child your son's age to accept that his parents have a special relationship that sometimes does not include him. It does not harm a child's sense of being loved and cared for to know that his or her parents have a special relationship in which they love and care for each other.

Encourage him to take nurturance in - The brain stores negative experiences instantly but usually needs to hold positive experiences in awareness for them to sink in. And if a person—or child—is particularly anxious or high - spirited, there are strong tendencies for attention to skitter onto the next thing before good feelings have had time to sink in.

Throughout the day, you could encourage him to breathe in your love or imagine that it is sinking into him like water into a sponge. When you put him to bed, you might take a few minutes to review the day or simply think about things that make him feel nurtured and close to you.

Think about his body - Sometimes a child has nagging health issues that aren't serious enough to get a conventional pediatrician's attention, but which still make him or her extra cranky, sensitive, needy, demanding, or reactive. Consider food sensitivities (the gluten grains and milk products are the most common culprits), airborne allergens such as mold or pollen, low levels of important nutrients, or chronic low - grade infections. If you have a hunch something could be going on in this area, you could consult a licensed, holistically oriented health practitioner in your area who works with children.

Explain legitimate adult authority - Like everything else I am suggesting here, you could already be doing this. But if not, your son probably needs to hear a message that is consistent with what he is (or will be) hearing in preschool, that adults are ultimately in charge and kids his age need to do what their parents say. It supports attachment parenting to expect and insist that children respect and listen to their parents.

Stress how special he is - Remind him that he will always be your first - born child, and that he has a special place in your heart that is different from the place your husband or baby have. He is your very, very special son—and that's more than good enough; he doesn't also have to be your husband! And because he is special, he does not have to compete with your husband or the baby. Your time with them does not take away from your love for him.

Tell him what the rules are - At times other than when you're hugging, remind him that he is never again to try to get between you and your husband, or yell at or hit anyone. Say this repeatedly, in your own way, at appropriate moments. Perhaps play act what he is supposed to do from now on, maybe having him be the parent and you act like him (very funny and eye - opening for many young children).

To be sure, insist that he not yell at, threaten, or hit anyone—least of all his mom or dad.

Lay down the law if you have to - Each time he acts inappropriately—such as claiming he's your husband, or trying to worm between you, or pushing his father away from you if you're snuggling in bed—very clearly remind him that what he is doing is wrong, you don't like it, and there will be a consequence. If need be, firmly remove him from the scene and let him know that you are going back to hugging your husband so that he does not expect that he can ruin your moments together. He needs to understand that he does not have, and should not have, the power to interfere with his parents' marriage.

With some children a low reactivity response works well, but for others, their temperamental factors or the gratifications in their behaviors are so strong that a more active approach is necessary. For example, from your son's perspective, it is rewarding and often successful to get between his parents—so why, from his vantage point, should he change? To give up those significant rewards, he needs significant reasons. He needs his parents to give him those reasons and help him understand them to restore the family harmony that he needs—especially with a little one on the way.