Sibling Rivalry

Everything a child does has a valid reason that requires care. It is easy to prevent aggression at its cause but takes skill to find what the cause is. I assume you read my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and are familiar with the SALVE formula. Delve into the S part, the self-inquiry, and find how your thoughts get in the way of your ability to see the reason the child must hit because he really has no other choice but to hit, squeeze and yell. Something is too pent up and painful for him to be able to control himself. He has no skill in identifying his emotions, communicating those and finding a peaceful solution. Let the movie of your reaction run inside your head; it obstructs your view of your child. Once you feel calmer, ask yourself if your idea that your child shouldn't hit is going with or against your child's view of the world. How much pain and helplessness would you have to feel before your become verbally aggressive? Can you see your child's side? Can you find the pain that drives his or her aggression? Jealousy? New baby taking mom away from him? Unfairness? Having to share? Losing his place in the family? Feeling lonely? Feeling like a failure next to the sibling? Needing autonomy? There are many reasons behind a child's need to hurt the other. A content child does not hurt another other than in innocent play. When you think that he should not hit, your mind is not able to connect with him. You go against him (or her) just like he goes against the baby. He learns from you to do the same. Children are our mirror. Always look to yourself for the source; no matter how loving you are, your inner struggles are mirrored back to you by your children. Find the reason your child feels so helpless and help him. When you care for him, he learns to care for another. In a recent phone session, a mother told me triumphantly how her child found a peaceful self-care solution. Her child used to literally break the house over not getting what he wants because the mother used to panic and try to fix his life for him. This time, a sibling destroyed this child's artwork. Initially, the child started the usual tantrum. The mother listened peacefully and said nothing. When he was done pouring out his emotions, he picked up his art supplies and said joyfully, "I am going to the other room where I am not in the middle of the way and I will paint there." Go through the self-inquiry, then follow the rest of the SALVE formula. Once connection and clarity are present, you will see how to prevent aggression by eliminating its causes. It may be that you need two of each toy, more one-on-one time with the aggressive child, or at least away from brothers or sisters. Protect this child's autonomy and privacy and nurture his connection with you. Aggression between siblings is not avoidable, but when we are in a reaction mode, we attack the child just like she/he does and, and therefore, teach the same behavior. I suggest that instead, with a clear mind, you offer solutions. Attend to the hurt child first but only if needed and without drama. Often nothing else is needed. Without your sense of justice, you just remedy what happened or stay out of the way. The child learns from his parents to be invested in justice and control. This is not a reason to feel guilty; we are humans. Just start catching yourself and finding that place in you that knows peace. Mostly, don't pursue justice; if the wind pushed your toddler and caused her to fall, you don't scold the wind; you pick up the child or smile at her as she gets up and, if needed, you go into the house to protect her from the wind. Likewise, aggression does not need to be treated. Respond to reality, don't manipulate it. Respond to the hurt child with care. Then respond to the aggressive child with both compassion and care, finding and alleviating the cause at the root. This will also teach the younger child to take care of himself, rather than get invested in blame and in being a victim. I hope this gives you some new peaceful direction.