Siblings at Birth

Congratulations on your pregnancy and upcoming home birth. Homebirth gives a wonderful opportunity for older bothers and/or sisters to be involved and maybe even witness the birth of their new sibling. My older children have all been present (by their choice) at the birth of their younger siblings. There are several things that may be helpful to consider.

Firstly, most young children can deal with events at birth with more equanimity than we expect, especially if they have been prepared and involved. I am sure you have been talking about the new baby for months, maybe letting your toddler feel, listen and even gently prod your belly, and your growing baby will be familiar with the voice and presence of your son as well.

You can also talk about what might happen at the birth, with an emphasis on listening to your son's words, if he is talking, to help you to understand his perspective. Playing birth games, eg putting your child up your sweater (or between your legs) and replaying his birth is a fun as well as interesting, and may help him to remember his own experiences, and you can talk about it if it seems appropriate. (I have found that my children have clear memories of their birth from age 2 to 7 or so)

Making noises, especially those you might use at birth (however loud!) will also help him to know how it might be, and to feel whether he wants to be there, as below.

I have also found it useful to play birth videos with my children, to give another perspective for them, and to help me gauge how they will cope with birth energy and noises. Before the birth of my third baby, I played Channel for a New Life by Elizabeth Noble which shows some of her short but intense labour, to judge my children's comfort with this, and it was amazing. Emma, then 4, found an old sleeping bag and crawled in asking me to hold the top and let her push her way out. Her sister Zoe, almost 2, did the same thing, but played out being a^??duck' (stuck) as she was in her labour. Both emerged posterior (face up) as they had been at birth!

Secondly, I think the key to making birth arrangements of any kind, especially with siblings, is to keep options open, so there is freedom and flexibility to choose what feels right at the time for you as well as your son. Birth can bring up some unexpected feelings and preferences. I would suggest that you arrange to have a trusted caregiver who can be with your son at home, or take him away, according to what your and his choices are.

You will need someone who is also comfortable with birth energy, and with your choice of homebirth, as well as being sensitive to your son's needs. I suggest that this not be your husband, unless you would be happy if he spent all the labour with your son, rather than you, as might happen.

As above, make this arrangement flexible, maybe you will go into labour at night and not need to call your son's support person. Your son may also make his own choices. I attended a homebirth where the son, aged 2 or so, woke when his mother was in strong labour at night, saw what was happening and took himself back to bed and sleep, which was very unusual. He woke several hours later, soon after the birth, and said hello to his new sister!

Lastly, there are some wonderful books and resources that tell the story of birth from a siblings perspective. My favourite is the book Welcome with Love by Jenni Overend (available from Amazon), which is a homebirth story told through the eyes of an older brother. The illustrations are gorgeous, and very realistic, as is the description of birth.

Rgarding co-sleeping, there are some possibilities to consider, and as above, you may find that you make different or unexpected choices at the time. You can choose to keep co-sleeping, bearing in mind that it is not considered safe to sleep an older sibling next to a baby under one year old. Maybe your son could move to your husband's side of the bed, or between you. If you need extra space, you ca