Sleep Issues

Dear nursing mother,

Give yourself the appreciation you deserve for the healthy attachment you've created with your baby. She is fine and completely normal. It is you who need ways to get more rest and learn to stay content while meeting your toddler's needs. I have received ten identical questions to yours in just the last week, representing in reality thousands of babies and toddlers.

Many babies and toddlers nurse every hour seven to eight times a night and even every 15 minutes. What that tells us is that babies nurse often at night as they should. Some babies, however, often wake up more than is ideal for them because they are anxious to know that you are still there. If a baby wakes up to find herself alone, she loses her trust in your presence and will naturally start waking up often to check that you are there or to bring you back. Even once you are in bed, she cannot be sure that you will stay. Many parents put the baby to bed ahead of themselves in order to connect with their spouses or nurture themselves. Although the couple's connection is important, the evening is the worst possible secluded couple time because it is the time a young child or a baby needs you the most.

Below are some ways to alleviate frequent checking up and other ways to help you get more sleep.

* I assume you sleep with your toddler. But, if you don't, moving her to sleep right next to you will mean that nursing her does not include getting out of bed. You can stay sleepy and even doze off while she is breastfeeding. This will be much better for her emotional well-being, her trust in you, and her self-esteem. Use safety guidance you can find in Mothering magazine and enjoy.

* Plan time for you and your spouse on the weekend, with grandma's or others' help. And, ask your spouse to give you a break each evening so you can be with yourself for even just a short time. Getting a break during the day, you won't need to stay awake after your daughter is asleep.

* Go to bed at the same time as your toddler or move her bedtime gradually to match yours. This way she will learn to trust that you are always next to her and slowly and gradually diminish the need for these checkups.

* When your daughter naps, either sleep with her and get more rest, keep her on you in a carrier, sit and read with her in your arms, or put her down but stay so close that if she whimpers you can promptly touch her and be right with her. In this way she won't develop any more anxiety associated with falling asleep and losing your physical presence.

* Put light-blocking curtains on your bedroom windows and you will gain sleep time in the morning to make up for waking up often. (This may take time to have an impact.)

* The above suggestions assume that there is a problem to solve. I want to offer this last one as a philosophy of life that will keep you content with all the realities of parenting. In reality, there is no problem. Your child needs what she needs. Learn to love every minute of it, including waking up a lot, and you will have no stress. You would simply love it and adjust your life to fit to the needs (by putting dark curtains and sleeping at the same time as your baby.)

Stress comes from wanting reality to be different than what it is. When your baby wakes up often, you can love it or resist it. Resisting is exhausting; more exhausting than the lack of sleep. With my first child, the moment I stopped noticing how many times I was woken or how much sleep I got, my tiredness vanished. Parenting is a path to self-realization. We can wake ten times per night and be upset or we can wake ten times a night not being able to go back to sleep, and be happy. And, our babies are learning from us to either resist what happens or flow with life. I hope you find one or a few of these useful. If you want to gain the capacity to stay content no matter the demands and changes, I can assist you via phone counseling. You can sign up for a session on my website (www.naomialdort.com). It is indeed possible for you to enjoy your child every time she wakes up.

Naomi Alodrt       www.AuthenticParent.com