Speaking For Your Child

Naomi Aldort

I often try not to speak for my children but sometimes, I catch myself doing it. For example, another child is clearly irritating mine and so I will say, "I think Katie is saying she doesn't want you to take her that from her". Should I just be letting it go and let the children work it out? It seems too young to work things out when both are 3-5yrs old. We spend time walking around the neighbourhood and bumping into others along the way so it isn't a lot of exposure but I want to know the best way to handle it.

Dear Parent,

Your can trust your loving instincts. Your child counts on you to represent her needs when she is not yet able to do so for herself, or, when she is not choosing to speak up. The age of the other person is irrelevant. What matter is not even your child's age, but simply her ways of being and her particular needs.

One of my children refused to response to adults intruding questions until he was seven or eight and ignored most children too. I respected my child and offered my advocacy which he obviously wanted. I communicated for him following his cues. He is now an outstandingly outspoken and communicative adult and very social.

"Not speaking for your child" is not something to follow blindly. Stock instructions are never absolute truths. Will you not speak for your baby? When your child obviously needs advocacy, be there for her.

It is when children wish to speak for themselves that we shouldn't take over, at any age. Same with everything else. You can dress your child as long as she wants, help her, sleep with her, and be present, as long as she wants. When she prefers to dress herself, wash herself etc., honor her wish. Notice that the subject is not limited to “speaking or not speaking for your child.” The subject is respecting your child by responding to her cues rather than imposing our expectations on her.

You should obviously speak for your child when she won't speak for herself. Whether due to language barriers, emotional limitations, personality, intimidation or shyness, if your child is not ready to speak for herself, she counts on you to stand up for her. Respect her by not putting her in situations she cannot handle without protection. When we withdraw support in hope that the child will fend for herself, we are being manipulative.

When my son did not respond to another child or adult, I always said, "I don't think he wants to converse with you, but if you like, I will be happy to talk with you." Then, if the person asked me questions about my son, I saud, "Just a minute, let me find out if he wants me to talk to you about him." I then asked my child and followed his instructions.

So please do speak for your child when it is obviously what she expects you to do. Trust yourself and honor her unspoken wish.

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Speaking For Your Child

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