Fun Behavioral Learning

By Ronit Gross, LMSW
Web Exclusive - November 21, 2008

I've told her and told her not to hit her little brother—why won't she stop?

He already knows he can't take things away from other kids, but every time we get to the playground, he completely forgets the rules.

She has the alphabet memorized, but can't remember to quit with the whining—what gives?

At this point, the alphabet has it made. We have the ABC song, alphabet books, and alphabet rhymes. We have alphabet puzzles, alphabet blocks, alphabet wall hangings, and alphabet floor mats. We didn't buy these teaching aids to torture our children. On the contrary, they seem to adore their various alphabet memorabilia—and why not? These are all enjoyable ways to learn something new. And not surprisingly, enjoyable works.

Yet, it can sometimes be difficult to connect the idea of enjoyment with teaching good behavior—particularly when we are trying to convince a toddler what they shouldn't do. Many of us can relate to watching our child's eyes glaze over as we attempt to explain the negative consequences of their behavior. Most parents can relate to a three-year-old who says "uh-huh, uh-huh" with no ability to repeat back in any form what his parent has spent the last 60 seconds carefully communicating. And most of us can remember yelling at our children out of our own frustration and impatience and watching their behavior escalate and continue.

How can we maintain our children's interest by making behavioral learning more enjoyable?

For years, therapists have been using storytelling and role-playing with children in order to explore what they are feeling in the moment, as well as in other areas of their lives. These techniques can also be extremely useful methods for parents in teaching good behavior.

Children love stories, particularly stories about themselves and the day's activities. Hearing a story is an enjoyable way for them to process and understand the world around them, their behavior and the consequences of their actions. One of the most important aspects of storytelling is to make sure the story is told in a shame-free manner, simply and calmly, explaining the facts without judgment. After all, it would be a rare parent to attach a criticism of her child when teaching her the alphabet. Not surprisingly, the same logic pertains to behavioral teaching.

Once the child has calmed down from the given event, the parent or caregiver can ask "would you like to hear a story about what happened?" When the child agrees, the parent can describe the events as objectively as possible.

You wanted some milk but instead of asking for it, you ordered it. Ordering is when you tell someone to do something instead of asking if they can do something. Asking gives that person the chance to give an answer. Mommy likes to be asked, so I asked you to try a different way. You still ordered, but this time added on a "please?" so it sounded like this: I WANT MORE MILK PLEASE! I liked the word "please," but it was still an order because you didn't ask me a question. Also, it was a little loud for me. I let you know how I would like to be asked: May I have some more milk please? You said "May I have some more milk please?" This was asking in a way that felt good to me, and I was happy to get the milk for you. You drank a whole glass!

Sometimes, the conflict is not so easily resolved, and tantrums are involved. These, too, are included in the story.

I let you know how I would like to be asked: May I have some more milk please? You didn't feel ready to ask in that way; it was hard for you. I let you know that the milk would be there for you when you asked in a way that felt good to me. It took some time. You yelled and had a tantrum. You were very frustrated and upset. I told you that I understood this was hard for you. I waited for you to be ready to either ask for the milk or decide you didn't want it anymore. After a while, you calmed down. You asked for the milk with a question and a please: May I have some more milk please? I gave you the milk, and I felt good about getting the milk for you. You drank it all up and got a milk moustache!

Sometimes, the scenario doesn't turn out at all the way both child and caregiver would have liked. However, when describing the situation, it remains important for the storyteller to withhold any impulse to shame or judge the child, as this provides the base for positive self-esteem, as well as more effective learning.

You decided you didn't want the milk and cried on the way to your room. I let you know that I was there for you when you were ready. You had a hard time and were very upset. Later, you asked me to play crayons with you, and we had a lot of fun. Next time, maybe you'll decide to try a different way of asking for milk. I really like getting things for you when I am asked—especially with a please!

Key components in storytelling include explaining the facts in a friendly tone and without judgment of character, regardless of the outcome. When learning the alphabet, a child may one day remember that N comes after M and forget this information the next. This is not an indication of his goodness, badness, or rudeness—just his individual learning curve. A child may remember to say please and ask nicely one day and may scream an order another day. As parents, we can see this as developmentally appropriate behavior, which also helps encourage our own patience and teaching ability.

Role-playing is similar to storytelling in its purpose to provide an enjoyable, shame-free method of learning. Once the story has been told, role-playing gives the child the opportunity to play herself and impersonate different characters in the scenario. This further ingrains the behavioral lesson and encourages the development of empathy. A wide variety of objects can be used in role-playing: stuffed animals, figurines, or even spoons! Children have phenomenal imaginations and can literally use any object to represent a person.

The many (and for toddlers, often frustrating) challenges in life provide rich material for role plays. For example, as my own son grew older and began to crawl and cruise, he began the unforgivable practice of getting into his sister's stuff. I watched my three-year-old daughter become increasingly frustrated and angry. One day, she stood over him and began nudging him slowly with her foot. Later that day, she walked over to where he was sitting and proceeded to push him over. He bumped his head on the floor and began crying. At the time, I put my body between the two of them, comforted my son and said something to the effect of "we don't push, we use our words." I don't mind relating that this was an extremely triggering incident for me. I was the youngest of two children in my own family and often felt bullied by my own older brother and unprotected by my parents.

I had to remind myself that my daughter's behavior was normal, healthy, and expected, and that her resentment would likely only grow if she felt shamed or judged. I also had to remind myself that it was my job to find a way to teach her the behavior I was looking for in a repetitious, but loving fashion—for both my children's benefits.

The following morning I asked my daughter if she would like to do a new role play with me. As this is one of her favorite games (and has the finger puppets to prove it) she readily agreed. I set the scene: Her brother was playing on the floor in the living room; Mama was sitting on the couch; and daughter entered the space. (I spoke for all the puppets originally, but as usual, my daughter asked for the scene to be repeated again and again and she gradually took over the roles.)

Daughter Puppet: Hmmm. There's (name of brother). I don't like him right now. I really want to push him down. But I know I'm not supposed to push. What can I do?
Mama Puppet: Sometimes, when we're upset with someone we can feel like pushing him. That makes sense. It can be frustrating to have a little brother getting into your things all the time and taking up a lot of attention.
Daughter Puppet: Yes! It's really hard.
Mama Puppet: I know, but there are things we can do when we want to push.
Daughter Puppet: Like what?
Mama Puppet: You can use your words. You can say: I don't like _____ right now! I want to push him down! Saying it is always okay. Your feelings are always okay.
Daughter Puppet: Really It's okay to want to push him down?
Mama Puppet: Sure—as long as you don't do it!
Daughter Puppet: Because he could get hurt.
Mama Puppet: Right, and we try to keep everyone safe here. So, you can use your words to say how you feel. Or you can use your words to ask for help. You can tell Mama or Daddy that you need some attention. Or you can walk away. Using your words instead of your body, asking for help, or walking away are three things you can do!
Daughter Puppet: Let's practice!

At this point, the role-play was used to re-enact the scenario with the daughter puppet choosing a different acceptable option (using your words, asking for help, walking away) each time. In our family, this has proven to be a wonderful and memorable teaching technique.

One of the main reasons role-playing and storytelling are such successful techniques with toddlers and children is because they find the activities so enjoyable and want to hear the same stories and repeat the same scenes again and again. Just as in learning the alphabet, a positive form of repetition encourages learning. By reducing the emotional investment in outcomes and by mentally comparing behavioral teachings to the alphabet, we can inspire our children to enjoy learning socially acceptable behavior. In this way, behavior and consequences can be explored on a level a child can internalize and appreciate.