Weaning a Child

Dear Donna,

Your child obviously still needs to breastfeed. If you feel strongly about uninterrupted nights, you could wean only from night nursing and keep breastfeeding during the day. However, keep in mind that you can also keep breastfeeding at night and go toward his need rather than wean him. It won’t harm him to wake up a lot and he will grow out of it naturally, specially if you let go of trying to wean him. 

One reason a toddler wakes up a lot is to check that you are there and the breast is there for him. If for any portion of the night you let your child sleeps alone, he could develop anxiety and wake up more often to ensure that you are there. He may sense that you want to pull away from breastfeeding.

Therefore, rather than weaning your toddler, the solution to your difficulty may be going to sleep at the same time as your child or moving his sleep time gradually to a later time. Usually he will sleep with the least wake ups in the first few hours. Get your sleep then and benefit from his full night; maybe you won’t see a need to wean him. He will sleep more secure in your presence and gradually wake up fewer times.

If after your try to enjoy full time co-sleeping, you still want to stop nursing at night, you can wean him, but most likely not without some crying. I do not have an answer that does not include crying. Your child has no motivation to wean himself night or day. 

Still, if you are clear that you want to stop his night nursing, let him know a few days in advance that he will start sleeping without nursing. Tell him you will keep breastfeeding during the day and at bedtime but once he wakes up and asks to nurse again, you will kiss him and he will go back to sleep.

Plan a landmark event on the last day before the dedicated night. It can be going to the zoo, having his cousins come to visit and do something special etc. Talk about it daily, counting the days that are left. On the big day celebrate as planned and remind him, “today is the day... and tonight will be your first night without nursing.”

That night, breastfeed him to sleep and remind him that he does not need to wake up for nursing. Cover your breasts well. Tell him that if he wakes you will remind him that there is no nursing and give him a kiss. He may sleep and not wake up. But most likely he will wake up and when reminded of the new plan he may cry. After all, it is not really his plan. His crying will cause him no trauma because you are present and he is well prepared. But, it may be hard for you. Validate his feelings and let him resolve it for himself. It never takes more than a week of waking up and most often three days. The number of wake ups will diminish gradually. 

In the morning, do not breastfeed in bed. Get up and breastfeed in the living room. The point is to eliminate the association of waking up in bed with nursing. He can nurse to fall asleep but not when waking up from sleep.

Again, keep in mind that there is no rush and that you can keep breastfeeding at night. I am providing these tools reluctantly as I truly trust that children take care of themselves optimally. Sleep with your baby full time and you may realize that breastfeeding at night is wonderful. When not anxious about your presence and about getting to nurse as much as he wants, your son will eventually diminish the amount of breastfeeding at night till he needs it no more. 

Warmly,  Naomi Aldort,  www.AuthenticParent.com