My Children Control the House

Dear Mother of Four,

As a leader, your job is to follow and provide for each child’s needs. Make it possible for the children to have autonomy without causing harm to one another. Each child needs to have power over herself, but not over others. However, freedom is not license, nor is it doing whatever one wants. It sounds to me like you may have given license to your children while, when feeling at a loss, you may be controlling rather than leading.

Children can be autonomous and free without always getting what they want. They can easily follow your lead when they trust you, knowing that you represent their needs and protect their freedom.

Examples: 

• As a leader, you notice that one child is climbing, tumbling and bouncing. You provide a mattress to tumble on, things to climb on in or outdoors, and maybe a large ball to bounce or a play-mate like daddy or another child if that fits. At the same time, you provide for children who want to play differently, a separate and safe space.

• If children are fighting and not enjoying themselves, a leader would find something more peaceful for them to do separately and not force them to be together.

• A true leader is in charge of the the home and of making sure it is child friendly, yet respectful of different children and adults’ needs. For an older child it could mean a separate room or space to protect his creations or books from a younger one; removing a younger child who is disturbing another and provide attention or an outlet to express feelings for a child who needs it.

• As a leader you follow the children’s need for freedom to make messes and provide spaces in which they can do that. 

• A leader provides only foods that will nurture the children so they are not hyper from sugar, gluten, additives or pesticides. Having only healthy organic foods at home is part of being a leader. 

• As a parent, leading the way is creating a home that can easily sustain the intensity of children’s play. It is fine to model care for property and to ask children to handle things with care. When they trust you, they want to do their best. 

•  If a child hits or throws things, as a leader you must find out why she is driven to do so, how to prevent the cause of her pent up anger, and how to give her better emotional or physical outlets. 

•  Lead by communicating with the children in a way that leave them free from harbored anger or mistrust. How? That is what my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, is about, as well as my CDs and articles which you can find here: www.AuthenticParent.com. When children feel content, heard, and connected, they do not develop a need to run the house over. They want what you want: joy, peace and connection.

• In the nuclear family, four children, if close in age, can be more than one person can be responsible for day after day. If this is the case, I suggest you get support and help. Each child needs a lot of attention and not just from siblings.

If you find that your children don’t connect with you, don’t listen, or go against you, the reason is in your way with them and/or in scarcity of attention to each child. I suggest that you book yourself a phone session so I can assist you in providing leadership rather than control while nurturing a sense of trust and connection, so your children will want to do what works for everyone, of their own free will.

Warmly,  Naomi Aldort,  www.AuthenticParent.com