I got married back in November, after knowing my husband for 7 years. He is my best friend, my soul partner, my rock, my clown, all of those good things. And we often don't sleep together.

"Gasp! What?! You don't sleep together?! Doomed for sure…" I can imagine some people thinking.

But I am writing to dispel the myth that co-sleeping leads to a sexless relationship, as well as the notion that couples have to sleep in the same bed in order to have a happy sex life.

A common sentiment expressed when the topic of co-sleeping comes up is that it must destroy marriages, and that "poor dad" must be kicked out of the bed so mother and child can use it. But that is not true for most co-sleeping families; many bed-sharers sleep all together, with both parents and however many children they might have. And even in my situation, where my spouse and I do sleep separately most of the time, it's not because he's kicked out of the bed or playing second fiddle. It's because it works for us, all three of us equally.

"Doesn't it ruin intimacy?" people ask. "When/where do you have sex?!" they want to know.

Do you really want to know? If so, read on.

We have sex multiple times on weekends, and sporadically throughout the week in the evening, as that is what his work schedule allows. We mostly have quickies on weekdays, and long, slow sex on the weekends. We sneak away to "nap" and "give each other massages" as often as we can. We have sex on the couch, on the other couch, on the living room floor, in the kitchen, on the kitchen floor (the kitchen sees a lot of action; I guess I look good cookin'), on the chair in my painting studio, on the chair in the dining room, in the guest bed, outside in the yard, in the van… Yoga mats, piles of blankets, and tons of coconut oil helps.

The idea that co-sleeping can somehow ruin a relationship implies that all or most sex must take place in a bed. Clearly that is not the case, and I'd argue that it makes it more fun and interesting. It also makes using a bed somewhat of a luxury; a big playground!

This has been an easy arrangement for my family, because when my husband and I got more serious in our relationship, I had been a single parent and my son and I had already been co-sleeping, just the two of us, for four years. I knew the benefits of co-sleeping when my son was born, and we've done it since birth. We had our rhythm, our preferences, and both of us are light sleepers. My husband gets up for work at 5 am to the sound of NPR on his alarm, and I would inevitably wake up every morning at that time if we were bed-mates, and I don't want to. We love to take (actual) naps together and have an excuse to sleep together, like staying in a hotel. But for day-to-day living, it works better for our son and myself to co-sleep, and my husband to have his own sleep space. We are going to practice sleeping together more often when our new baby comes in April so we can all be closer together. But for now we are happy and it works.

And we still manage to have an active, passionate, loving, healthy sex life. Sleeping in the same bed, and sleeping without a child in the mix, can be a benefit to promoting intimacy, but it is not essential. There are so many other ways.

Related: Touched Out? 5 Tips to Help You Reclaim Intimacy

I read a quote once about women, but I think it applies to any gender; something to the effect of: "A woman is like a crockpot. You have to turn her on in the morning for her to be ready by dinner time." This rings true for me in the sense that I want my day to be charged with love and closeness. My partner and I make sure to touch each other daily. He leaves me a love note every morning. We have a long hug when he gets home from work. We stop what we're doing to embrace often. We hold hands when we talk and give each other quick massages when time allows. Both of our Love Languages are physical touch, followed by quality time and words of affirmation, so we act on those as often as possible. We let each other know how desired we are; I tell him how good he looks to me, and he tells me the same. We try to make life easier by sharing household and parenting duties evenly, working together happily to make our life comfortable, healthy, and simple.

We thank each other a lot. I thank him for working so hard for our family, for being open to our unique relationship, for doing the dishes after I cook, for "being the train" every night to carry our son up to bed, for his emotional intelligence, for talking things through, for fixing stuff and shoveling and mowing the lawn. He thanks me for being a gentle mother, for embracing who he is, for cooking yummy healthy food, for "taking such good care" of him, for doing the dishes on the rare occasion that I get to them first, for the helpful reminders, for being a good partner.

Showing appreciation and love fosters more closeness and intimacy for us than snoring next to each other without a kid in the bed ever could. This is what works for us.

I was going to say that co-sleeping doesn't affect my relationship, but it does- positively. It helps our boy sleep peacefully and prevents bedtime battles. Co-sleeping helped me tremendously as a single parent, allowing me to breastfeed successfully, sleep often, and feel bonded with my baby while figuring out motherhood alone. And it continues to be a beautiful blessing in my family.

The above article was originally published in Mothering in February of 2014. Since then, more mothers find that co-sleeping is a perfect fit for their family. We can understand why!

The Case for Sleeping Separately

Even if you decide to co-sleep it doesn't mean that everyone has to share the same bed. You and your partner can sleep in separate rooms while still maintaining intimacy and a sex life. This boggles many people's minds, we know.

It wasn't until the 1950s that people began sleeping in the same bed together again, really. That's right- until about 1850 couples slept like most of the population does now, in one double bed. But right around 1850, society began a different way of thinking, saying that double beds were "old-fashioned" and "unhealthy."

Many couples moved to twin beds, and it stayed that way for about 100 years. During this time period, many believed that people would get sick from sleeping so closely together all night long. A popular book of the time by Dr. William Whitty Hall stated that people "Should have a single bed in a large, clean, light room, so as to pass all the hours of sleep in a pure fresh air, and that those who fail in this, will, in the end, fail in health and strength of limb and brain, and will die while yet their days are not all told."

Related: Top 6 Best Mattresses for Co-Sleeping

But then in the 1950s, the way of thinking changed and has continued along the same lines for decades. Today, many people believe that sleeping in separate beds signifies an issue in one's marriage. They see it as couples being distant with each other, lacking intimacy, and that trouble is looming behind closed doors. But proponents of sleeping in separate beds, or even separate bedrooms altogether, say that this arrangement works well for them, and is even healthier for their relationship. Here are a few reasons they share:
  • They sleep more soundly without interruptions from their partner getting up, rolling over, or snoring.
  • It helps to appreciate the relationship more. A little distance and space never hurts, and you may feel genuinely excited to see your partner after sleeping separately overnight. It not only gives you a little "me time" to rest and reflect, but it also can help simmer any arguments that happened before bed.
  • It decreases resentment- Do you ever wake up with the baby and see your partner sleeping soundly, secretly resenting them for all that sleep they are getting and "not hearing the baby cry?" Sleeping separately, especially when you are co-sleeping with a new baby, can decrease that resentment.And if you are starting to feel like it's not an equal partnership for you to always have to get up with the baby every night, you can ask your partner to trade off co-sleeping nights with you. Not only does that equalize your relationship but it also allows your partner to have some significant bonding time with your little one.
Whatever your sleeping arrangements, it's absolutely feasible to co-sleep with kids and have an active sex life. Just as it is to sleep separately and have an active sex life. The moral of the story is that kids don't have to put ends to active sex lives!

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