10 Things You’ll Totally Do When You Have Kids

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Get ready to eat some humble pie. I learned I like mine with whipped cream. I knew that when I became a parent, I’d definitely do things I always said I never would. That’s life, right? But I had no idea what those things I said I’d never do were. Nor did I have any idea of how many things I said I’d never do actually came to fruition!

But I’m going to go ahead and give you a heads-up right now! Here are ten things you’ll totally do when you have kids, and honestly, at the end of the day? You’ll wonder why you were so worried about doing them in the first place!

Ten Things You Will Totally Do When You Have Kids

1.Talk about your kid incessantly.

Yes you will. To family. To friends. On Facebook. Oh-so-much on Facebook and Insta. But only because your kid is way more adorable and smarter and more advanced than those other babies whose every babble and meal and toothless grin were documented for the world. Obviously. No, really…you know your child is not the only child on the planet, but she’s the only one your universe revolves around and you will not be able to stop gushing about how great your child is. It’s okay. Do it. They are great, and you’re doing a great job and you should be proud of it!

2. Catch vomit in your hands.

There is no reason for parents to develop this particular instinct. It does not make anything better. In fact, it makes it worse because now there is vomit on your child, their bed, the wall, and probably your hair and you can’t do a thing about because you are holding vomit in your cupped hands like an offering to the stomach virus gods. It does not placate them. But, for some reason, it makes us feel better…as if we are attempting to control something that you will find (usually at 2:47 a.m. in your bed) you simply cannot control. But hey, if you’ve not heard it yet, nice catch!

Related: Having a Rough Day? 50 Things About Motherhood That Will Make You Smile

3. Talk about poop.

Not only will you talk about it in great detail, but sometimes it makes you really, really happy. Proud, even. Everybody poops? Hell yes. And when yours does? It’s like the best conversation topic you can think of!

4. Sound like your mother.

Her voice will burst forth from your lips like a demon possessing your soul, “close the door!” the demons will say. “Are you trying to heat the whole neighborhood?” you’ll hear come from your mouth but wait…just wait…”Stop making a mountain out of a molehill!” And you will clamp your hands over your mouth and stare with horror but too late, you already know: she was right all along. Annnnd you will be giving her a phone call right after you figure out what the mountain is all about because you’re a gentle parent who wants to get to the bottom of it. Even if it’s really just a molehill.

5. Regret saying, “My child will never____.”

In fact, go ahead and write down everything you ever said that began with that phrase. That way you know exactly what kind of cruel karma awaits you. No, some things you really will avoid for good (my child has never stepped in a McDonalds and at almost nine-years-old, will tell you the food will give you a stomach ache.) But…sometimes, and more often than you’d think, you’ll find yourself doing something you SWORE would never happen. And then you realize that you’ve got a growth mindset that lets you grow and learn and realize rigidity just heaps judgement that takes away from you doing what’s best for your family. Don’t stress.

6. Change your entire life.

You will not be the same person. Your life will not be the same. In fact, your life will be something you couldn’t even have imagined if you had the best imagination in the world. Just trust me on this one. But also? It’s a really, really good thing. Again, growing is so nice.

7. Handle it.

All those thoughts of I could never deal with– the tantrums/illness/carpool/labor/poop/vomit/sleeplessness/listening to Ryan’s World on constant repeat until I go just a little bit insane? You can take it. You can TOTALLY take it and you will. You will. You kind of have to. You’re tougher than you think. Give yourself the credit now, and then you won’t feel so worried about taking the challenges on.

Related: How to Teach Your Child to Persevere When Things Are Tough

8. Constantly be running late. Maybe.

You might always be late. It could be hard for you if you’re used to being 20 minutes early. It will become your new state of being: perpetually feeling like you’re running behind, never quite catching up because of all.the.things. You might be the asthmatic kid wheezing through the end of the race. Oh you’ll get there. But it won’t be pretty.
But…you might not. You might find that motherhood has inspired this organization in you that you always dreamed of and you find you LIKE being overprepared, including for the clock. Whichever it is, though…be gentle with yourself! Give yourself some grace, and also some flexibility.

9. Be a morning person. But maybe you will.

I’m kidding, you won’t. But you’ll be up at dawn anyway so may as well pretend. Isn’t the sunrise beautiful? Really, I’d like to know. I’m too busy staring blankly into my coffee cup; I have no idea.

But other mothers find that they can’t sleep in any longer if they were paid to do so! They try, try, try but at 6:13 like clockwork, they are up and at ’em because that’s the new routine and someone forgot to tell your body that Saturdays don’t count.

10. Smile smugly and say, “It’s totally worth it.”

It totally is. It totally, totally is and it’s the best gig in the entire world.

Image: M Glasgow


14 thoughts on “10 Things You’ll Totally Do When You Have Kids”

  1. Haha. Oh so true so far, and mine is just 6 months old – but I’m fighting the constant talking about her and FB’ing about her.. and doing a pretty good job so far. 🙂

  2. I’ve got number 1 on the way and know that I’ve violated #5 too many times watching friends and families parent 🙂 We’re in trouble haha

  3. Lol …well too the ones that’s this number and that number hasn’t happened to yet ….I have a 17 year old ,12 year old, most of that that didn’t happen to me …but now I have a 2 year old that all has happen then more ,just wait you’ll have that one kid …

  4. Bagged all 10 here. Number 11 is that I just realized that I am a wizard at my kids eyes…always have answer to their undying/repeating questions

  5. How can I not relate to this post. No. 4 just makes me laugh. I always thought that when getting mad at my kids. I feel like I sounded like my mother. Being a mother is a very stressful job but when we think of those things we’ve been through, we just laugh at it 🙂

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