Anyone else scared of one day becoming the MIL? - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 9 Old 12-24-2009, 09:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My relationship with my MIL isn't the best. It is by far much better than a lot of other's MILs, but, well...it could be better.

I read and hear so much about how women either hate/ can't stand/ get irritated by their MILs and so much more.

I have 2 boys, and even though they are tiny now, one day they'll probably have wives and kids, and I'll be the MIL.

I would hate to have my DIL hate me.

do any of you have good relationships with your MILs? and am I alone in my weird fear of being a bad MIL?

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#2 of 9 Old 12-24-2009, 12:20 PM
 
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I have a fairly good relationship with my mil! We have our moments, but we come from such different backgrounds, even though we're both from the US. I'm from the upper midwest, she's from the deep south, and there are a lot of cultural/parenting/religious differences that keep cropping their head the moment you think everything is fine. But, I think that's to be expected, since I don't have the benefit of knowing her all my life like I do my own family. So all in all, we have a pretty good mil/dil relationship.

As to being a mil, I have a ds, and I've wondered and worried about this since before he was born! There are some people that will not let you in their lives, no matter what you do. We've heard the stories about the mil who refuses to accept the dil and other stories of that ilk, but there are just as many women who refuse to accept their mil, no matter how hard the mil might try to accept, accommodate, respect, etc. I am just praying extra hard that my ds doesn't end up with one of those!
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#3 of 9 Old 12-24-2009, 01:36 PM
 
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My relationship with my MIL isn't stellar, but it isn't too awful either. I have two boys, 20 and 18 years, and I really really want to love their wives (when they have wives!) and for them to love me too. So far I've had pretty good vibes from the few girls they've been going out with that I've met, so I am hoping that when things get really serious I feel the same!
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#4 of 9 Old 12-24-2009, 07:24 PM
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My relationship with my MIL is so-so. But I'm not afraid of becoming the MIL, and this is why:

I've learned, through watching many people and experiencing this myself, that you need to be GENUINELY NICE to ALL of the "dates" that your ds/dd bring home. Because you NEVER KNOW which one will end up being "the spouse" and he/she WILL remember how you treated them when they were just the date.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#5 of 9 Old 12-25-2009, 05:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A View Post
My relationship with my MIL is so-so. But I'm not afraid of becoming the MIL, and this is why:

I've learned, through watching many people and experiencing this myself, that you need to be GENUINELY NICE to ALL of the "dates" that your ds/dd bring home. Because you NEVER KNOW which one will end up being "the spouse" and he/she WILL remember how you treated them when they were just the date.
Good point!

So, I have 3 boys and yes, I've been wondering about that. Even though I've learned a lesson or two about active listening and "make suggestions but don't give advice" - I'm not sure whether this will work too well when I'm in the middle of everything.
I had the "Do-you-really-think-he's-getting-enough?" kind of MIL, maybe I'll have DILs who'll hide the bottles and disposables from me?

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#6 of 9 Old 12-25-2009, 05:56 AM
 
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my xmil is my very best friend. i am a pretty open minded person. i get along with mothers of my dd's friends who have opposite parenting values. so no i am not afraid i will be one of those MIL.

i could totally see me getting along with all my SIL and DIL.

however its not about me. i could be great. but they might not like me.

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#7 of 9 Old 12-25-2009, 07:34 AM
 
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I got along great with the mom of a long-term boyfriend (many years) and now get along really well with my MIL. Neither tries to control their son, and more importantly, neither tried/tries to control me. This is what I'll keep in mind when my son eventually starts to date.

My only real wish is to see my adult son and his new family on a fairly regular basis, depending on his geographical distance from me. If that pisses of a DIL, then I guess we'll have some trouble. But it's not my personality to control, give unwanted advice, etc. So I hope it'll be OK.

But no, your fear is not weird. MILs and DILs often don't get along because both get territorial over their son/husband. A mother's job is the hardest, because we have to raise our kids to leave us, and I think we don't always do that very well.
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#8 of 9 Old 12-25-2009, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by proudmomof4 View Post
Good point!
Thanks. It took me a lot of years to get over the fact that dh's mom didn't like me at first when he and I were dating (and she told him that, and he repeated it to me.) So first impressions really matter. Love those friends/dates from the first.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#9 of 9 Old 12-26-2009, 05:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Addy's Mom View Post
But no, your fear is not weird. MILs and DILs often don't get along because both get territorial over their son/husband. A mother's job is the hardest, because we have to raise our kids to leave us, and I think we don't always do that very well.
I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head. So, we better start working on our control issues right away for the sake of everyone involved now and later on!

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