I'm discovering myself all over again. - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 14 Old 07-06-2005, 02:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And it's wonderful, and scary, and confusing, and weird.

I'm 21, and I thought I knew who I was. I went through a lot of changing arooooound... 14, 15, 16... now its all changing AGAIN, and I totally wasn't prepared!

My DP and I just broke up today. It's been developing for some time now (slowly, over 1-2 years... out of the 3 1/2 we've been dating ). We have a 6 month old baby, which makes things beyond difficult.

But, I think we made the right choice. All this time, I was trying to fit a mold that I just wasn't cut for. I grew up in a Christian home, and I latched on to the idea of being a passive, submissive, obedient, cute little housewife. *OMG!!!!* .... that is so NOT ME!! But all these years, I have hated who I was. I'm agressive, I'm ambitious, I'm stubborn, I'm controlling, I'm smart, I'm passionate, I'm a thinker, I'm a leader, I'm a partner. I have so much potential, and I've been repressing it!

My ex-DP is very conservative. He's also very passive, idealistic, and has little ambition. Additionally, I think we must have different goals in mind. It might seem that his passive personality would complement my agressive one -- but I doubt it. Rather, it drives me INSANE!! I think I need someone who has the same drive that I do. I can't feel like I'm dragging someone along to keep up with me, you know?

I'm on fire.... and I'm burning brighter. I'm so *excited* to embrace this potential.

I really don't want to be single, but I can accept that its where I am right now. For the first time in my life, I am starting to have an idea of what I want from a partner. All these years -- I never knew what I wanted!!

I don't know where this will be taking me. This year has brought SO many changes in my life. I'm overwhelmed by all of it, but I really needed this.

This post is really disjointed and vague, I guess. I just wanted to share, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense!
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#2 of 14 Old 07-06-2005, 03:52 AM
 
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You continue to amaze me, strong mama!
Sending warm and supportive vibes your way for you and Janae ~~~~
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#3 of 14 Old 07-06-2005, 05:15 AM
 
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good luck! there is still light
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#4 of 14 Old 07-09-2005, 01:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you!
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#5 of 14 Old 07-09-2005, 06:49 PM
 
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Wow - you DO sound really empowered, and you're still so young!

I can only imagine what you'll be like in 10 or 15 years!!




Incidentally, if you're into astrology at all, the Saturn return period occurs between ages 27-29. That's a time when your whole being (personality and spirit) really shifts into a more solid, amplified place. So you will *know yourself* much better after that time.

Hang in there! And good for you for being true to your heart. It can only lead you in the right direction.

What a journey!
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#6 of 14 Old 07-09-2005, 06:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by May May
Wow - you DO sound really empowered, and you're still so young!

I can only imagine what you'll be like in 10 or 15 years!!




Incidentally, if you're into astrology at all, the Saturn return period occurs between ages 27-29. That's a time when your whole being (personality and spirit) really shifts into a more solid, amplified place. So you will *know yourself* much better after that time.

Hang in there! And good for you for being true to your heart. It can only lead you in the right direction.

What a journey!
That is really interesting....I have been entering into the weirdest self awareness in the last month or so.....hmmm....

Good luck in your journey...where ever it may take you!

Mama to 10 so far:Mother of Joey (23), Dominick (15), Abigail (13), Angelo (10), Mylee (8), Delainey (6), Colton (4), ID girls Dahniella and Nicolette (2 in July), and Baby 10 coming sometime in July 2015.
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#7 of 14 Old 07-10-2005, 12:59 PM
 
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I feel as if I could have written your post, not to steal your thunder, but that is what I have been realizing too. I have been trying for two years to make my marriage "work" to the detriment of myself and my kids. Make myself and my husband be something we are not. I was raised in a traditional christian house and had all these ideas of God, now I have found a new church and am totally shifting my perceptions of God in a new powerful way that is transforming my issues of unworthiness that have kept me stuck and led me to choose the husband I did in the first place. I have been in a co-dependent cycle trying to change him and fix him and make him be the father and husband I "envisioned" and needed. Now I am at a place now though where I am totally okay with where he is, that is right where he needs to be and it is not my job to fix him. I am really feeling a high spiritual calling in this life and I only want to share my life with someone else who has that calling. I have been holding my self back and my husband back by staying. We split up on May 9th and since then it was such a great shift. He is doing amazingly better too. The first couple months he has been desperatly trying to get me back using every emotional trick in the book, but just yesterday we talked and he said he got to spend the first ten years with the perfect woman and he didn't even appreciate it, but he doesn't even want to be back together because he realizes he is not where I am at, and he is okay with where he is at. It was so amazing. As I am shifting myself it is amazing the shifting happening around me. I love the poem and have it on my bathroom that says it is not our darkness that scares up but our light... it is amazing and I can post it if others want. I also just read " A Woman's Worth" and am realizing how much I have been holding myself back as other women do too, and how I need to give myself permission to be a Goddess, that it isn't making others feel small when I do, it is giving them permission to do the same. A wonderful enlightened woman I know told me to read the book Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford , in fact I am going to go pick it up from the library Monday, but she said it is all about how divorce can be a catylst towards great change in your life. Congratulations to you on your journey, single motherhood is sometime scary but it can be exhilirating. I have found that it has forced me to start loving myself and really discovering who I am and the power I have. My life's material things have been cut way back, but I am realizing how little meaning they had anyways. Feel free to PM if you want to talk more
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#8 of 14 Old 07-10-2005, 03:55 PM
 
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Wow, momatheart23, your post is amazing.

I am so right there with you on every one of your points.



Would you please post that poem about the light vs. dark thing? I've heard it before but don't remember it all - I'd love to see the whole thing.

One request, though . . . it would really help my eyes (and I'm sure others' too) if you were to hit the return button and make paragraphs every so often!

Thanks sweetie!
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#9 of 14 Old 07-10-2005, 05:19 PM
 
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Yeah I write like I talk, which is when I am excited it gets pretty fast. Apologies if it is hard on the eyes to read.

Our deepest fear is not that we are
inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that
frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people won’t feel
insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory
of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates
others

Barbara DeAngelis- Nelson Mandela’s Inaugural Speech
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#10 of 14 Old 07-10-2005, 05:23 PM
 
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Good for you! When I think about how I have grown and changed- from 16 to 21 and then 21 to 35- it is amazing! There is so much to learn- about yourself and others and this marvelous, painful world!

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#11 of 14 Old 07-10-2005, 05:32 PM
 
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Thank you! Thank you, Brianna!




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#12 of 14 Old 07-13-2005, 06:13 PM
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#13 of 14 Old 07-14-2005, 09:45 PM
 
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I don't even know you and what you said makes me so proud of you! i'm 36 and started feeling like that a few years ago. Now divorced, single mama and grad student it is all very exciting. My only wish was that I had discovered this side of me at your age. You have your whole life ahead of you and a beautiful child to share it with. Sending peace, strength and love your way..........

"While Eeyore frets ...and Piglet hesitates...and Rabbit calculates...and Owl pontificates...Pooh just is."
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#14 of 14 Old 07-15-2005, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Somehow, I thought I had responded here more than I had... I didn't mean to ignore any responses. I've appreciated them all! I think I read them, thought about them, and forgot to say anything... :LOL

I don't know if this feeling of empowerment has to do with age, or simply... a new chance in life? I've been feeling held back / repressed for the last couple years. I've been kind of bitter / disappointed over where my life is going. I now feel like I have another chance, and its really exciting. It's also scary, though... because I'm not sure WHAT to do yet. I don't want to end up feeling tied down again.

momatheart23 - Thank you for responding. It helps to know that others have been through this too! This is a really confusing, but very empowering time right now. I'm not sure where my life is going, but I LOVE the freedom in knowing its up to me! I've found that I'm a free spirit to begin with ... I never really knew it, growing up. It's been a surprise to realise that I'm so different from everyone else. A lot of people BORE me... :LOL . I'm constantly doing new, weird, random things... and I love to talk about it! Most people don't really seem to care though.

Okay, that was sort of a tangent. Anyway...

Thank you to everyone for all of the support! MDC has really been a huge factor in all of this. It has given me so many new things to think about, and there really is so much support here! I've learned that its great to be a woman.
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