I just found out that my bio dad is an addict, child abuser, and rapist - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 01:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't even know where to start with this.

It makes me feel sick that I share genetic information with this man that is so terrible.

My parents divorced when I was a baby. He never mistreated my mother but was negligent and cheated on her which was why she left.

He never paid child support but when I was a teen my mom decided to file for unpaid back support. He paid for a few months. I got a letter and talked to him on the phone once or twice.

I knew he had other kids so the other day I did a quick google search and came up with the names of his kids. I looked for them on myspace and found them.

One is 22 and male, the other is 26 and a mother. I sent her a short message. Since then we've been corresponding. She is the one that states that he was an alcoholic, was and is a drug addict, that he beat both kids until their early teens, and that he molested and raped her for 9 years.

Obviously, she is a stranger and so I have to take what she says with a grain of salt as I do not know her character. However, she is a recent convert to Christianity (she has pictures of her baptism up on her page and quotes) so I imagine she's probably being truthful.

I'm sick to my stomach and can't let my mind wander or think in depth about what she's said because its too much to bear.

I'm not sure how to deal with this information now that I have it. I called and told my mom this morning. She was on her way to work but she was obviously very grateful that we got out when we did.

This does, however, put my childhood into perspective. My stepdad came into my life when I was 6. He was a crappy father. He is bipolar and used to say some really abusive things. He never raped me and only hit me once (other than spanking which I hate to say was pretty standard in my community and among my extended family). He did and said some awful things but my god, he never sexually violated me or bruised me.

How do you come to terms with finding out such terrible things about your biological parents!?

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#2 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 02:18 PM
 
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I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to offer sympathy you are going thru this.
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#3 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 02:34 PM
 
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I am so sorry your father turned out to be a disappointment. My dad hasn't been present most of my life, and he has done some horrible things to my step siblings. He has always been an addict, sometimes worse than others, but never without at least 2 vices. He started molesting to intercourse my step sister when she was nine. I don't know how long it lasted. I don't believe he ever beat them, but I've been told he is a screamer. I still can't let him go. He has even felt me up as an adult and I don't have an explanation. I haven't really processed what he's done. He's always been weird. But I don't stop trying to get a hold of him at least once a year. It sucks to have a dad like ours. I wish I had words of wisdom, all I can offer is a great big

Heather, mama to Harriet, Crispin, in with Tom and 2
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#4 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 04:52 PM
 
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I can't imagine.

My heart goes out to you and to your half-siblings.

Just remember, though, you are far more than your genetics. Amazing people come from some pretty crappy DNA donors. Likewise, awesome people, through no fault of their own, can have kids with pretty severe issues of all sorts. That's not to exonerate anyone of responsibility. It's just to say that you aren't a bad person and won't be a bad person because of who donated sperm to create you.

Would some counseling to talk through these discoveries help?

Hang in there!
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#5 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 05:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post

Would some counseling to talk through these discoveries help?
Probably but it doesn't fit into our budget and our insurance doesn't cover it.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#6 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 05:52 PM
 
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Megan,

First off. Cudos to your mom for raising you. Cudos to yourself for being healthy enough to realize that your bio dad may not be the best person.

My back history.. I was RAISED by my bio dad, he is now homeless, a heroin addict, a physical and sexually abusive man who recently asked for my help..or rather he asked if he could use me. He wanted to live in my home, and use my money for his life..after all, I did that to him when I was younger. No way in he11 was this man going to be anywhere near my family. He tried to commit suicide after I told him to leave. I do not have any guilt or remorse... other than I wish he had succeeded. (do not flame me... he is not a good person to ANYONE, the entire family has been abused by him)


You are not your genetic make up. There is nothing that says you need to trust either your half sister or your bio father. Take your relationships with them on YOUR terms, no one else's.

I am in Eugene if you ever want to get together for a "my father sucks" coffee fest.
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#7 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 06:01 PM
 
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Megan,




You are not your genetic make up. There is nothing that says you need to trust either your half sister or your bio father. Take your relationships with them on YOUR terms, no one else's.

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#8 of 9 Old 06-29-2008, 06:28 PM
 
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I totally sympathize and relate. I'm also descended from some monsters: both of my grandparents were evil. My mother's father beat and molested all his children, cheated on my grandmother and eventually disappeared leaving my grandmother with 10 kids. Yep. -- 10 kids.

My grandmother, however, was a partner in crime. She was mean to her children, also beat them, encouraged my grandfather to beat the kids, and said some of the cruelest things you can imagine. She used to blame my mother for the "attention" she received from her molester.

I'd heard these stories my whole life from my mother and from my aunts and uncles. I had a personal freak-out moment after DD came into our lives and I found out that both of them used to SPANK BABIES all the time. They beat them with belts when they were toddlers.

It boggles the mind.

Luckily my aunts and uncles had support systems from each other and none of them have grown up to be like "the old man." I take great comfort in knowing that all of them were determined to not be like their own parents. They've all had issues but they've mostly overcome their horrible childhood and treated their own children much better.

I know it's shocking now that you've just discovered this information. I hate to sound trite but honestly, time will put this into perspective. Also, as you've already discovered, certain things will now make sense. The best you can do is love your children the way you wanted to be loved.
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#9 of 9 Old 06-30-2008, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by ~Megan~ View Post
Probably but it doesn't fit into our budget and our insurance doesn't cover it.
Write, write, write, write. Write it all down and then write it down some more. (In a journal, etc.) I once read a quote that, "unlike therapy, writing is actually therapeutic." It struck a chord with me.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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