I am so sorry that the two of you are suffering so much. I don't have any solutions for you, just the observation from your post that there is clearly a huge amount of love between the two of you and also that you are getting no rest - either of you - and that has to be a big part of why it feels this way. I wish I could offer something that could help but I don't know what that is.
Sending hugs to you and your daughter. That sounds so hard. I have an adopted daughter who suffered pretty significant trauma before coming home to me. It sounds like your daughter may have medically induced trauma/attachment issues. My only advice would be to maybe post this question on the adoption board. The moms there are amazing and alway have good advice
My only advice is that, IME, it's helpful to seek support. I think, so often, moms of kids with issues, any issues, become used to being the problem solvers, the advocates, the strong ones. It can be hard to be on the other side and get our own needs met...or at least it has been for me. I wonder if your pedi could give you some ideas for a therapist specializing in pediatric attachment issues, or just a really good therapist, in general. It might help to go in and just lay out your concerns and your feelings, and see where that takes you.
Would you consider floral essences? A member here, Panserbjorn, consults and does custom blends. I do think they might help each of you.
DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.
It's a little different situation, but my oldest ds, he's 12 yr old now, is on the autism spectrum. He's very high functioning. If you passed him the store or even spent a couple of minutes with him, you wouldn't even know anything is different. If you spend a couple hours in the same room with him, you'd realize that he was not neurotypical.
When he turned 10, things got really bad. He started acting out horribly. It got to a point that we couldn't even leave him in a room alone with his brothers for fear he'd get angry and hurt them. It was ugly and it was hard, and I beat myself, because, well, there were days, when I just didn't like him. I loved him like crazy, but I was exhausted, up all night worried about him, tense all day wondering when he'd fly off the deep end, then beating myself up for the way I was feeling. 2 years later, and I'm not saying all is perfect, far from it, but we've connected in a different way. We go out for coffee when he gets home from school (OK, he doesn't get coffee, but we call it that because it makes him feel grown up!). We talk about more adult stuff. I can do more things with him, like take a long walk in silence with him. We can listen to music together. We talk about his homework and we actually exchange ideas and thoughts on things like the cycles of the moon. He's studying it in science and I use that to talk to him about my spirituality and the connection it has to the moon phases. We just talk about older things and I love him for it.
So basically, what I'm saying, is that as kids grow and change, I think it's natural to become frustrated, to feel at times unhappy with the way things are and even though you love your child desperately, there may be moments when you don't necesarily like them. It may be in a few years that you're connecting wonderfully with your dd and connecting to her in a special way.
I remember my doctor saying to me when ds1 was born, "remember this and remind yourself of this moment when he drives you crazy, because he will. You won't always like him, but you will always love him!" I remember laughing at the time, but now I realize how true her words ended up being!
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Second the reco to get support. A really good therapist could help you with perspective and relieve some of the bad feelings about how things are going. You are really tough and brave and deserve lots of help.
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