dh well..not accepting ds as he is - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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dh thinks ds is *normal*. He ignores the PDD symptoms, and refuses to even acknowledge my worries about his eating concerns. Ds would weigh probably nothing if I didnt fix his foods everyday and go out of my way to cater to his every food whim. If I did it dhs way, ds would plummet downhill fast. I am SICK of shouldering this alone, dh just doesnt GET IT! I am just causing the problem he says, Im making things up, ds is normal, get over it he tells me!! Any suggestions?

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#2 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 01:41 PM
 
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Is there a doctor or therapist that could speak to your husband to share with him that your concerns are real and valid? I know it's so hard to bear the brunt of the caregiving, especially when the other parent seems to be in denial about the whole thing. Maybe it would be easier for your husband to come to an understanding and acceptance of the diagnosis if the information came from someone else?
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#3 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 01:47 PM
 
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Can you not have him speak with your pead, or dr? My oldest son has Adhd, ODD, OCD, and a NVLD. My son's bio dad (not my dh) doesn't think anything is wrong (ya right) he just wants a "perfect" child, and will not accept anything else. I had him speak with the psych pead. He had a chat with him, it didn't make a differance, but he now gives my son his meds, as he has been informed if he doesn't he will be charged with neglect. Good luck, I know this is a hard road, but you are his mommy, and you know him best!
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#4 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 02:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Transitions View Post
dh thinks ds is *normal*. He ignores the PDD symptoms, and refuses to even acknowledge my worries about his eating concerns. Ds would weigh probably nothing if I didnt fix his foods everyday and go out of my way to cater to his every food whim. If I did it dhs way, ds would plummet downhill fast. I am SICK of shouldering this alone, dh just doesnt GET IT! I am just causing the problem he says, Im making things up, ds is normal, get over it he tells me!! Any suggestions?
While DS doesn't have an extreme (diagnosed) problem with eating, he is in the 20-something percentiles and doesn't eat anything solid, just the Third Stage baby food. Maybe will suck on a cookie, but won't eat it. No cheerios or anything. Since I've been sick lately DH took DS to his last check-up and finally said to the nurse, "What you're saying makes me think you aren't listening to me." We have a great pediatrician otherwise, but I don't think even they "get" that it's not just that he won't eat, for example, broccoli, but he won't even eat cheerios or goldfish (we'll try anything at this point).

Since DH has been off of work for the holidays he's really taken over the feeding, keeping DS on schedule, even writing down every single jar of food or bottle DS takes and counting up the calories. Well, I do as much as add them up on the calculator, but as it's a "fight" to get DS to eat and I've recently been diagnosed with a hernia and GERD - still untreated - I just have to sit still a lot to keep from coughing and vomiting, so DH really has had to help. But, he does a good job anyway.

Reading your post in the "new posts" I was thinking about how fortunate I am and how frustrated you must be. I'm sorry you have to go through that, as our problems aren't so bad, but they have been very frustrating to us. Not just DS's problems (also has torticollis and wore helmet and still in physical therapy - just started walking last month at 18 months), but mine as well. Unless someone has experienced certain problems they just really don't understand how difficult, debilitating or stressful they can be. I'm sure even I do not understand what you are going through, just empathizing knowing how stressful it is with the problems we have.

So, (after rambling a bit, sorry) I'm thinking that maybe if you got into a sort of support group, official or not, where your DH would hear the same issues and problems you tell him from others he might start to understand. And, he might even be avoiding the issue because he's afraid to admit there is a problem, as some people really do that a lot. Hearing other's stories and how they handled them might really help him accept the issue and understand how to address it.

Best of luck to you!
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#5 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 02:07 PM
 
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Just saw "where" you live. Are we neighbors? In fact, now I'm thinking you might be someone in my local SAHM's group!
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#6 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 03:43 PM
 
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Well, my hubby also insisted my son was normal until he sat in on a diagnostic evaluation. The (wonderful) clinician asked my husband, do you think your son is on the autism spectrum. My hubby said no. She asked why not...then answered each thing. Then she (gently) showed my hubby what she saw that made her know my son had autism. I guess reality hit him and he has never questioned since. I still shoulder all the decisions and such but I feel we are at least on the same page diagnostic wise. As far as eating issues in our case my hubby recognizes that we have to do what we do to get my son to eat and grow..but he still isn't as willing to take the time and patience with him that I am or have to be because no one else is. In short, I guess I wonder if there is a really good clinician who can talk to and show your hubby what an expert sees.

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#7 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 03:53 PM
 
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My Dh didn't start to come around until he sat in on an evaluation. He really snapped into place when he saw how the 'system' (read the school district) would treat our Dd if we went that route (aka said that she was perfectly normal based on motor skills scores!) and that was that. I'm still trying to get him to stay focused with how we need to respond when something happends since he still doesn't have that as a habit but at least he's actively working on it now.

I'm sorry that you are in this position. If there is a doctor or someone you could have sit down and talk to him that might help. Until the evaluation that Dh sat in on he thought I was blowing things out of proportion too.
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#8 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 04:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just saw "where" you live. Are we neighbors? In fact, now I'm thinking you might be someone in my local SAHM's group!
No, where are you located?? I wish I had some support!!!



Thanks everyone, with support. Dh will be going to the next visit with me, no doubt! I wish he would have gone to the initial visit ,but he didnt. I think he doesnt WANT to know, kwim? Its kinda sad. Anyway, if he did hear it from someone else, I think it really wouldnt make a difference, anyway! I think when ds starts school,(yes, dh wont let me homeschool either, a whole nother battle) then it will hit him then.

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#9 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 04:20 PM
 
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is there a good book or article about PDD you could convince him to check out?

Berkeley mom of 3 and President of Tender Cargo Baby Gear
and The Nurture Center Store and Resource Center 3399 Mt Diablo Bl Lafayette CA 888-998-BABY
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#10 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 09:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Transitions View Post
I wish he would have gone to the initial visit ,but he didnt. I think he doesnt WANT to know, kwim? Its kinda sad. Anyway, if he did hear it from someone else, I think it really wouldnt make a difference, anyway! I think when ds starts school,(yes, dh wont let me homeschool either, a whole nother battle) then it will hit him then.
I think that a lot of dads feel like somehow they are responsible for an "imperfect" child -- like maybe somehow their genes weren't right to get a child that is free from problems. Men, in general, have a difficult time showing emotions and grieving over loss. It's easier to deny there is a problem than to face up to all the emotions. Maybe that's what your dh needs -- a chance to feel sad about all of this so he can get over it and begin to face reality.

If your dh is a reader, I know there are books to help parents recognize this, but I can't remember any of the titles off the top of my head. I know that my dh will not read anything regarding my ds, so I do a lot of reading out loud and let him have time to absorb the information. I know that I have been incredibly impatient with my dh in the past -- why won't he read or research anything on his own? Over time, I've realized that my role is to help dh get the correct information and allow him the grace to come to his own realizations. It has happened slowly, but surely.

Laura - Mom to ds (10) and dd (7) "Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life." Brian Andreas.

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#11 of 11 Old 12-27-2006, 11:48 PM
 
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My dh had a hard time accepting that anything was different about ds1 until we went to his first IEP and he saw how far delayed he was. Then when we got the diagnosis that sealed it for him. It is hard to accept that there is something going on.

Misty, mama to my nurslings William(11/4/02) and Parker(7/13/04).
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