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#1 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 07:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So apparently I hurt her feelings a couple weeks ago.  And she's just now bringing it up.  To DH.  eyesroll.gif 

 

MIL lives 2 hours from us.  DH was planning on having a booth at a farm show in the town she lives in, so on that Friday he took DS1 and went up there to get set up, and they spent the night at her apartment.  The plan was for me to bring the other 2 up on Saturday and spend the night, and everyone go home on Sunday.  I told DH in no uncertain terms well before the event that I was NOT spending the night at her 1-bedroom apartment with 3 small children, and if I went we were getting a hotel room.  He thought it was a super idea, actually.  Great, everything's hunky-dory. 

 

Fast-forward to the day, and I think everything's going fine.  We spent the day at her apartment, went to see some of her friends so she could show off the grandkids, etc.  She watched the three of them for us so we could go out to dinner alone for the first time in forever, and then we went back to the apartment to pick up the baby and go to the hotel (or motel, a little drive-in dive that only cost $50/night, but hey! We were alone! Kinda).  She was okay with this, wanted the older 2 to stay the night with her, so we left.

 

The next morning we go back to the apartment and the kids are fine, she said DS2 woke up crying a couple of times but otherwise was fine (never called us, though I told her to call if he wasn't doing well).  DH left to go back to man his booth and I hung out with the kids at the apartment.  The plan was for me to leave about noon with the kids but she had another friend who wanted to see the kids so we wait.  Until like 2.  I'm getting antsy, the kids are getting antsy and bored, but she finally came over and saw the kids and we got the heck out of there as soon as we could.  MIL was nothing but nice the whole time, never said anything to me, was playing with the kids, the world was good.  Right?  Oh, no, apparently I hurt her feelings by getting the motel room (again, 6 people, 3 of whom are under the age of 7, in a 1-bedroom apartment?), she didn't get any sleep because DS2 kept waking up crying (why didn't you call?!  I told you to call, we were literally 10 blocks from your house) the kids were wild, DS2 got milk all over her mirror (I have NO idea how that even happened, it certainly wasn't while I was there), and generally just reamed DH up one side and down the other.  I didn't hear her side and he wouldn't tell me everything she said so I'm not even sure that's the worst of it. 

 

WTF?  2 weeks later you bring this up?  And F you very much, I hauled 2 small children 2 hours to see you since you won't make the effing effort to come see us (MIL doesn't drive out of town.  Just doesn't.  Hasn't since DH was a kid.  So she's been to see us a total of 3 times in the 8 years we've been together.).  And *I* hurt *your* feelings?  Ugh, she always does this, last Mother's Day we went out there and she kept saying crap like "This is MY Mother's Day, *I* get to pick where to go/what to eat/what to do", because apparently I didn't count or something.  Reamed out DH when we told her I was pregnant with #3 because he didn't use protection (except DS3 was planned, kinda hard to do when you're using protection), like it was a personal insult to her or something. 

 

So fine, I'm done, if you want to see your grandkids (your ONLY grandkids, I might remind you), you get your butt down here to see them.  Figure it out.  And plan on getting a hotel 'cause you're not staying here.

 

/rant.  I just needed to get that out.  And no, I'm not really done, I'm sure next time DH wants to go up there I'll go along with a smile on my face and pretend like nothing's wrong just to get through it.  I'll just come gripe to you guys afterwards :)


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#2 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 07:53 AM
 
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She sounds like a real treat.  blowkiss.gif

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#3 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 07:59 AM
 
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I don't think waiting two weeks is horribly bad.  Sometimes we get emotionally charge and settle down before we engage a problem.  This can be a good thing.  Like right know you are emotionally charged, if you were trying to talk to her directly do you think it would be effective communication?  IMO, the wait was an attempt to have affective communication. 

 

I also think you are being over critical of her not driving.  Some people should not drive and they are best to judge their abilities.  My mil would not drive like that and shouldn't.  As long as your MIL is consistant about not driving then respect it.  My mil gave up driving, but for the longest time she only drove to the store and bowling ally. Were as my mom is different, she would drive to MT from GA and not stop by or make a special trip to see us.  She doesn't understand DH and I don't like or feel comfortable with those types of drives, she feels because she did them we should.  She feels we are punishing her (she is a PITA) however WE DONT drive anywhere else long distance. 

 

 I have to ask what is your mil's age? And her income?  

 

Now, saying that your dh needs to tell her to "suck it up" about the hotel room.  Her place is just not big enough for overnight stay for all of you.  She can just deal with it and needs to learn to accept that she does't have the room. 

 

She didn't call because, IMO she didn't want to disturb you and might have felt bad waking you, she wanted time with her grandkids, she underestimated her abilities.   

 

Sometimes when people say things about "being  pregnant" again it is because they are truly concern about their and the family wellbeing.  Yes, it is none of her business but sometimes you have to see were the statement came from.  (I do realize sometimes people are just mean spirited, but there is also times there is a lot of concern for the wellbeing).

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#4 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 09:18 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

She didn't call because, IMO she didn't want to disturb you and might have felt bad waking you, she wanted time with her grandkids, she underestimated her abilities.


Sure, but then she shouldn't complain and blame the OP for it later. 

 

OP, that sucks. Your MIL is being unreasonable and, while she's entitled to whatever feelings she has, she should have vented to her friends instead of reaming out your DH and placing the blame squarely on you. 

 

That said, is it bad that I'm sort of looking forward to your post-Mother's-Day thread? shy.gif lol.gif


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#5 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 09:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View PostThat said, is it bad that I'm sort of looking forward to your post-Mother's-Day thread? shy.gif lol.gif



Oh hells to the no, I told DH we are NOT going there this year!  I'm taking back Mother's Day, dammit!  Though there may be some phone-call-reamings-out to share later, because he said then we have to go to her 60th birthday party - oops, we'll be in Kansas City that weekend (his idea, he's going to the NASCAR race with our son, she can't blame me for that one!).  And the weekend after that is our son's birthday.  She won't be happy.  Though I honestly will make every effort to go if it's on a different weekend shy.gif


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#6 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 10:57 AM
 
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OP: :I think your MIL is out of line about the hotel room and complaining about your ds crying and all that. I agree that she may have been trying to be considerate by not calling, but if she was okay with them spending the night, and she chose (for whatever reason) not to call you at the hotel, then it's not okay to complain about it later. She's being really unfair about this stuff.


However, I also agree with Marsupialmom about the driving. Driving is considered such a basic skill by most people that they don't seem to realize what it's like for the rest of us. I didn't get my license until I was 37. It's been almost six years, and I still don't like it, and I still get anxious when I have to drive outside my comfort zone (which isn't out of the city - there are large parts of Vancouver that I get freaked out about). I have four kids, and dh is legally blind. We really needed someon to be able to drive (got my license when I was almost term with ds2), in order to make life workable. But, I don't like it, and I'm looking forward to switching back to the bus for almost everything when the kids are older (possibly when ds2 has moved out - taking the bus with him isn't my idea of a good time). My mom has a friend who has had a license for almost 50 years, but pretty much only drove to the grocery store and to take her boys to hockey practice, until after her husband died a few years ago, and she has to drive. She still hates it.

 

I've managed to beat down my reluctance when I feel that I have to (eg. to go watch ds1 compete in the BC Gymnastics Finals two weeks ago - they were within Metro Vancouver, but quite a way from here, in an unfamiliar area), but it's still really, really difficult for me. If my anxiety were any worse, I don't know if I'd be able to make myself do it, even for something important.


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#7 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 11:05 AM
 
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I can appreciate that driving is an incredibly stressful thing for some people. I think, though, that the OP's frustration comes from the fact that she does make the effort to travel to see her MIL and MIL doesn't have reasonable expectations or appreciate it at all. I mean, Storm Bride, I'm assuming that if you had a close friend or family member who knew that you didn't like to drive far, so they came to visit you instead, you'd be appreciative and would want them to be comfortable, so if you lived in a 1-bedroom apartment and 5 people were visiting you, you wouldn't begrudge them getting a hotel room, right? So I don't think it's just a "she won't even drive" snit, it's the whole package, and the fact that the MIL wants the OP's family to visit her in a way that would be uncomfortable for them. 


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#8 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 01:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

I can appreciate that driving is an incredibly stressful thing for some people. I think, though, that the OP's frustration comes from the fact that she does make the effort to travel to see her MIL and MIL doesn't have reasonable expectations or appreciate it at all. I mean, Storm Bride, I'm assuming that if you had a close friend or family member who knew that you didn't like to drive far, so they came to visit you instead, you'd be appreciative and would want them to be comfortable, so if you lived in a 1-bedroom apartment and 5 people were visiting you, you wouldn't begrudge them getting a hotel room, right? So I don't think it's just a "she won't even drive" snit, it's the whole package, and the fact that the MIL wants the OP's family to visit her in a way that would be uncomfortable for them. 


Oh, I agree completely. I think her MIL is being really unreasonable. The "she won't even drive" thing is just one of my triggers. It's one of those things that just seems so basic to people who don't have issues with it, yk?

 

And, yeah - i can't imagine expecting my guests to squeeze a family of five into my one-bedroom place. I'd be willing to let them, if they wanted to, for some reason - but I certainly wouldn't push it on them.

 

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#9 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 01:28 PM
 
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all that stuff is just her (ridiculous) problem.  in your situation, i would also ask that dh not bother telling me what stupid thing his mother found to bitch about.

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#10 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 01:59 PM
 
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Next time you go, I'd just get the hotel room & even if she wants the kids to stay, just have them come with you.  If she says anything, I'd just leave it at "Well, we thought it would work best this way.  It sounds like you had a heck of a night with the kids last time and we figured we would just come see you again in the morning.  Thank you, anyway!  Good night!".  Her place isn't big enough for all of you and it causes hard feelings to try - if there's a $50/night place nearby....all the better.


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#11 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 02:38 PM
 
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Your MIL is being ridiculous about everything. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. hug2.gif


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#12 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 05:33 PM
 
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I mentally write down examples like this in my What Not To Be Like When I'm A MIL notebook.  


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#13 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 08:19 PM
 
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Her feelings were hurt because you didn't all stay there, but she couldn't sleep because your ds was making noise?

 

Apologize for not staying there, invent some reason you *have* to be there next month, and let the kids go to town. Bonus points if she whines at you about how her neighbors complained the next day.

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#14 of 14 Old 03-25-2011, 08:29 PM
 
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I agree with this. What is your DH's response when she's griping and complaining. Nothing can be gained by your DH telling you what his mother says except making you feel more animosity towards her. At some point, he's going to have to shut her down when she starts complaining about his wife.

 


 

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Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

all that stuff is just her (ridiculous) problem.  in your situation, i would also ask that dh not bother telling me what stupid thing his mother found to bitch about.



 

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