"Dumped" by one of my friends tonight - Mothering Forums

Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
simplehome's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 1,007
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My son and I meet once a week to play with the children of some great women I met three years ago at a new mothers support group. We've been meeting weekly since the group ended when they were just three months old, and I've grown quite close with the other mothers. We really only see each other in this context, though.

Well, last night was the third birthday party for one of the boys, and while we were there my son and a little girl were tackling each other over and over. I saw it happen a few times, and from what I saw it was quite mutual. When the little girl asked him to get off of her, he did, then she'd pounce him right back!

Towards the end of the night, I heard crying from the other room and went in to find her in her mother's arms. I asked my DH what happened, and he said that while his back was turned, DS had tackled her and her face fell on a toy car. That really must have hurt! I went and talked to DS about it, and we went on with the evening.

I arrived home this afternoon to a "call me" message on the answering machine from the girl's mom. When I called her, she said that she and her husband had decided that their daughter and my son shouldn't play together anymore because of what happened last night. In their eyes, DS had once tackled their daughter and was choking her (my DH saw this particular incident, and it was a case of a hug gone wrong), and then the car-to-face incident. They said that she was really upset, and they needed to protect her.

I really didn't know what to say. Don't you think we could have talked about ways that we could work together in the future to keep all of the kids safe? Maybe talk about our perceptions of what went on last night instead of just jumping right to excluding me and DS from the group?

I am 4 weeks PP, and having a very hard time of it emotionally right now. This could not have come at a worse time---I feel so alone already. Last night was the first time I've gotten to see my friends since the baby was born, and now this! Just due to age and geographic circumstances, it will be unlikely that SHE will be the one leaving the group of 4---it will be me. I'm just so sad, both for me and for DS. This felt like such a great group of friends, only to have one night screw things up.

Just an aside, her husband is an incredible worry wart, is WAAAAAY overprotecctive, and is a pro at jumping to conclusions and holding a grudge. I'm not surprised that this is his reaction, but I'm so saddened that my friend didn't try to find a way to protect our friendship AND protect the kids.

I think DS heard me sobbing after I hung up the phone---I don't know what to tell him.

Mama to DS 3/05 and DD 1/08
simplehome is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:26 AM
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,735
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


I'm so sorry sweetie I know how badly that kind of thing can hurt and pp to boot

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#3 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:29 AM
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh wow. What a kick in the gut.

I'm so sorry, dear. Please don't give up on your spot in the playgroup because this one family is uncomfortable. You belong there too.
blessed is offline  
 
#4 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:30 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: the Circle K
Posts: 5,766
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am sorry things went this way.

I am not sure why you should be expected to leave the group though. If she has a problem with your DS being around her DD, she should be the one to leave.
lalaland42 is offline  
#5 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:31 AM
 
Pynki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Inside the café au lait
Posts: 7,264
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had this happen about 6 months back with my best friend. It really was one of those one nights ruined EVERYTHING! It just all blew up. And you are left feeling so sad, and angry, and hurt, and betrayed, and lost.

It must be soo hard being only 4 months PP. I suggest you do NOT let this "kick" you out of your group of friends. She is the one who decided her child shouldn't be around yours. That means it is her responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. Please take all the support you need from the other friends you have. I know that personally doing just that has been a Godsend for me. :

It's lonely being the only XX in a house of XYs.
Pynki is offline  
#6 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:35 AM
MCR
 
MCR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,396
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Honestly don't let her push you out of the group. Since when did she become all high and mighty and in charge of who can come?
She and her Dh are over reacting, if she doesn't want her Dd around your Ds then she shouldn't bother to come, not you. It's her problem.
MCR is offline  
#7 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:38 AM
 
ABrez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Oh Hiya
Posts: 608
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Awww, sorry you had such a horrible night! I agree with pp that you shouldn't leave your entire playgroup. If they don't want their daughter around your son, they can choose not to go to functions that you will be attending.
ABrez is offline  
#8 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:48 AM
 
earthmama369's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 6,792
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
They're overreacting. And I get it. I've seen my kids interacting in...questionable ways with other kids at times, and have realized later that I only saw part of the interaction, not the whole thing. And that seeing the whole thing would have changed my "mama bear" -- or "papa bear," as the case may be -- reaction significantly.

In this case, because you've been friends with her for some time, I'd be tempted to talk to her or to write her a letter and see if the situation can be salvaged. I think we're too quick to write relationships off nowadays, and it seems like that's what they're doing. I'd say exactly what you said here -- that you were watching the kids' interactions and it was mutual tackling/hugging, you intervened when necessary and talked to your ds when she fell on the car (which you realized must have hurt!), but that you''re hurt that she didn't come to you and try to work things out before writing a relationship off. Kids go through rough-play phases, and it sounds like both kids are there right now. That's ok. It doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship.

And I really wouldn't stop seeing your circle of friends, especially as you're only a month PP. Go about your business and this will likely blow over. By tomorrow morning she may be realizing she (or her husband) overreacted and regret what she said to you.
earthmama369 is offline  
#9 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 01:04 AM
 
KJoslyn78's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Finger Lakes, NY
Posts: 1,660
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i totally agree.... don't let her push you out away from the rest of the group, cause they have a problem with your ds. I would have mentioned the time she blind sided him with a tackle, just to show that her dd isnt as "innocent" and "frail" as they seem to be making her out to be.

I would still go to the group... and in fact, i would call the other moms and let them know what happened, if they have thoughts/concerns and maybe you all can brain storm how ALL the kids can play together safely.

If nothing else - you could also search for another playgroup or moms groups. Have you tried somelike like MOPS or MOMS Club?

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
KJoslyn78 is offline  
#10 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 01:15 AM
 
stirringleaf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: following the butterflies
Posts: 4,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
no offense but your ds is THREE? i am guessing from your siggie....seems to me it was just a simple matter of the adults not getting the kids to stop that game ----not a matter of a dangerous kid ---not even a matter of neglectful attention...just that sometimes we let our kids try rough-and-tumble things, and thats OK---but the risk with kids pouncing on each other is that they will get hurt eventually. I, too , learned that the hard way after letting ds wrestle playfully cuz i thought it was cute.. but he was too little and so was the other kid, and tthey just didnt know how to stay safe with it. Thats my job, not thiers. Kids that age dont have a concept of phyisical limitations..

i cant believe they are upset and feel fearful for their DD ! your ds is still a baby pretty much! my goodness! they handeled it wrong. the better thing for them to do was call you up and ask you if you both can come up with a good strategy for setting limits next time. or maybe even just call you and ask that wrestling isnt allowed. i mean... come ON! they act as if you or your ds dont care if thier dd gets hurt and its plain and obvious it was just an accident. it could happen to anyone, and little kids just like to get crazy. its fun to them. your ds isnt being mean. even if he got mad and pushed.. its just so innocent at that age in my opinion!

i agree with everyone else. keep going to the play group. Maybe you need to be the one to suggest you all just not allow them to be physical for a while.
stirringleaf is offline  
#11 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 02:18 AM
 
cycle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,854
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


First, I would not leave the group, she and her husband are being ridiculous. Your son isn't even 3 yet! They were playing, it was mutual and as often happens someone gets hurt. If they are going to react to something like this, 3 year olds playing together and someone getting a booboo, they are going to have a very long and lonely 15 more years.

I would write a letter to her to clear the air, if they still choose to not be around you and ds that is their choice. You should still go to the get together with the group and if she is there and feels uncomfortable then they can leave.

I am just shaking my head at this, I haven't read the other posts yet but am I the only one who thinks the parents of this little girl are completely over the top?
cycle is offline  
#12 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 02:21 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,039
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Let things settle and don't let her push you away. It could have been a heat of the moment thing.

Try to supervise closer.............

And I hate to say this "get use to it" I found my boy was deionized in these types of situation. You know them little girls are dainty and have to be protected from dirt and rough play. They can't handle it (sarcasm).
Marsupialmom is offline  
#13 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 02:53 AM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,599
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
And I hate to say this "get use to it" I found my boy was deionized in these types of situation. You know them little girls are dainty and have to be protected from dirt and rough play. They can't handle it (sarcasm).
*sigh*
I tend to assume in such situations that dd was the aggressor, if applicable...and I'm usually right. I don't get where people get that "big bad boy" stuff from. DS2's a pussycat - too bad about the compulsion to throw things...

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#14 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 03:03 AM
 
angelcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,462
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I just got kicked out of a playgroup over something similar. It's very upsetting.

I agree, though, that SHE should be the one to leave if she's uncomfortable.
angelcat is offline  
#15 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 03:08 AM
 
artgoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Suburban hell
Posts: 12,661
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sure you are right and they are over blowing the whole situation. But mama you need this group. I belong to a similar group and I would be lost without them, so putting myself in your place I would imagine you really need your friends.

It's probably not the most popular advice but I say eat a little crow, apologize for being so out of it and not keeping on top of your son when he got a little wild, but caring for the new baby and all, use the "at 4 weeks post partum, and breast feeding you wouldn't have been able to jump up and grab DS if the house was on fire." Like I said it sounds like she over reacted and her DH had more of an issue. But by looking at things from her perspective, her DD got hurt, and her DH was pissed probably at her for "letting it happen", maybe you can get her to put herself in your sleepless and worn out shoes. Tell her that you will do your best to keep a better eye out and prevent tackles by your mini line backer and you hope that your friends will come to you if they see him doing something you miss while nursing the baby or something.

How could she say no to that? Try giving her a call tomorrow or send her and email. If you write the email tonight, save it as a draft and re-read it before hitting send in the morning. I'd also cc the rest of the group, so they know what is going on, and can offer to come to your defense.
artgoddess is offline  
#16 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 03:10 AM
 
bri276's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 5,846
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
don't leave. it's inappropriate for her to ask you to, over a NORMAL childhood occurrence. helicopter parenting.

my DD is one of those dainty little girls who freaks out if another kid so much as steps on her foot. I hold her, I comfort her, and then I make her get back out there and deal with it. It's life, and it's a part of kids learning. I would *never* try to keep another child away from mine just because of a few accidents. He is just being a normal, active 3 yr old, and I would not allow HIM to be kicked out for this. However I would supervise a little closer when he is near her since her parents are so sensitive about this.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
bri276 is offline  
#17 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 03:42 AM
 
onlyzombiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Northeast Kansas
Posts: 7,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't leave the group. Was she really asking you to leave the group over this one night or just keep the children apart at events?

I'd apologize for her dd getting hurt/scared at the party when they were both being rough and agree that they can not be allowed to play roughly together again since it gets out of hand. I would agree try to keep them apart or heavily supervised when they are near each other.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

onlyzombiecat is offline  
#18 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 03:58 AM
 
Kirsten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Washington state
Posts: 5,362
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplehome View Post
Well, last night was the third birthday party for one of the boys, and while we were there my son and a little girl were tackling each other over and over. I saw it happen a few times, and from what I saw it was quite mutual. When the little girl asked him to get off of her, he did, then she'd pounce him right back!
I'd have stopped it when I saw it - even though it was mutual - to avoid exactly what happened. At the very least, I'd have made sure that the girl's parents knew how they were playing and were ok with it.

Quote:
Towards the end of the night, I heard crying from the other room and went in to find her in her mother's arms. I asked my DH what happened, and he said that while his back was turned, DS had tackled her and her face fell on a toy car. That really must have hurt! I went and talked to DS about it, and we went on with the evening.
I think this is where it went bad. Your dp's back shouldn't have been turned when two three year olds are playing "tackle each other". Also, you talked to dp and ds, but not the little girl and her parents? I'd have been really angry if your child hurt mine (even by accident) and you didn't even come to ask if she was ok, have ds apologize for hurting her (even by accident), etc.

Quote:
I arrived home this afternoon to a "call me" message on the answering machine from the girl's mom. When I called her, she said that she and her husband had decided that their daughter and my son shouldn't play together anymore because of what happened last night. In their eyes, DS had once tackled their daughter and was choking her (my DH saw this particular incident, and it was a case of a hug gone wrong), and then the car-to-face incident. They said that she was really upset, and they needed to protect her.
Did the "hug gone wrong" incident get discussed before this phone call? If your ds hurt their dd more than once, then I don't blame them for being unhappy that you or your dp aren't staying close enough to keep it from happening, especially if there is no apology/explanation. Just because you and your dp understand that it was a hug gone wrong doesn't mean the three year old girl or her parents do. It needs discussion. Given the information you have said in the OP, I understand how parents of a firstborn (I assume the three year olds are both firstborns?) would feel they had to protect her.

Quote:
I really didn't know what to say. Don't you think we could have talked about ways that we could work together in the future to keep all of the kids safe? Maybe talk about our perceptions of what went on last night instead of just jumping right to excluding me and DS from the group?
I think you start with an apology. It isn't wrong to say you are sorry that she (and her parents) was hurt/scared/etc. Apologizing doesn't mean your son meant to hurt her. I'd also offer to be in arm's reach when the kids are playing near each other. I'd also discuss with ds how to play gently. In a play group situation, you have to accept that some people have different comfort levels.

And did she actually say she wanted you and ds to stop coming to the group? Forever? For a week or two? Or you are just assuming this is what she wants? Did you all start in the group at the same time, or you joined after her?

Quote:
Just due to age and geographic circumstances, it will be unlikely that SHE will be the one leaving the group of 4---it will be me. I'm just so sad, both for me and for DS. This felt like such a great group of friends, only to have one night screw things up.
In our mom/baby PEPS group, we all went along well for about two years, when one mom with another mom backing her, tried to get a third mom to drop the group because mom one (M1) thought mom three's (M3) dd was getting her kid sick. M3's dd had allergies, not contagious illnesses. In the end, the group (ten mom/kid pairs) split up - with six of us (including me, M3, and others) starting a new group, and M1 (the one with the issue), M2 (the one backing her - who happens to be a nurse which makes it worse IMO) and two others being another group. Two of us were invited to be in each group. I just went to the new group - as I was torked at the mom who overreacted and broke up the group. The other mom went to both groups.

So I wouldn't just walk away from people you consider good friends. Let her walk away if that is what she wants. I'd talk to the mom first - to see if you can work it out now that she may have calmed down (although don't say that to her!) But if that doesn't work, I'd continue to go to group and let her make an issue of it if she thinks she can get anywhere with it.

And I'm sorry this is happening to you at 4 weeks pp. I had to pull my dd1 out of a preschool we loved when I was a few weeks pp with dd2 - because a person I considered a very good friend put her dd there - and let her drug addicted ex go. I wasn't ok with him around my dd, and pulled her out. It was really stressful, and ended our friendship for the most part. We used to talk to each other every day, and now talk once every few years. PP is a tough time. Be gentle with yourself.
Kirsten is offline  
#19 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 04:26 AM
 
RockStarMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,251
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry. I've been on both ends of the rough-kids-situation, and I think she's wayyyyy overreacting.
But if you are close friends with the other moms, I don't see how this should affect your relationship with them at all. I would either continue to meet with the group or just continue seeing the other moms individually.
RockStarMom is offline  
#20 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 06:26 AM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 11,714
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 15 Post(s)
Just because she doesn't wast her daughter around your son doesn't mean you and her can't be friends. And if you don't feel that you have enough in common outside of parenting it's not that big of a loss. I can't STAND parents that have "mommy goggles" and think their kids are just so perfect. Kids are kids, even if it was your kids fault or hers they don't know any better.
Sharlla is offline  
#21 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 07:39 AM
 
tankgirlhi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 152
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lalaland42 View Post
I am sorry things went this way.

I am not sure why you should be expected to leave the group though. If she has a problem with your DS being around her DD, she should be the one to leave.
I agree.

Could you maybe write a letter and explain to her how hurt you are that she would jump to excluding you instead of working on a solution. Also, that this group is very important to you and your ds and that you don't know how you can accomplish what they want without one of you being out of the group.

She and her Dh were probably upset about the incident and jumped to a solution before they cooled off. Maybe after a cool down period and a heart felt letter they would reconsider and work with you and your ds.

Also, if she and her dh are not willing to budge on the matter maybe you two could trade off going to the group every other week. If one of you is sick on your week you could call the other to go instead and switch weeks. Just a thought.
tankgirlhi is offline  
#22 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 08:20 AM
 
tireesix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,257
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't understand this at all. At my local play centre, if something happens between the kids, the kids are asked to say sorry to each other and its left at that. DD2 got bitteen really nastily the othere week on her forehead, it very nearly broke the skin, I wouldn't stop her going or make the other child stop going, sometimes, kids are rougher than think they are being. There is one particular girl in the group who is very rough, I just try and make sure my DDs avoid her.

At this age they are still learning and I justt don't see how cutting contact is going to achieve anything.
tireesix is offline  
#23 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 09:07 AM
 
yarngoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Placerville,CA~best place for me!~
Posts: 1,740
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree, don't leave the group. Get an I'm Sorry card, send it to the family and say that you and your family are sorry that the little girl was hurt at the party, and say that you hope to see her in group. Then go to group, and talk about what happened with them. Let them decide what to think. They all may say "Kids are crazy at this age" and move on, or they may say "Sorry, you BOTH need to go, can't have drama." At least then it is a group decision.

This sounds like NORMAL 3yr old fun. Someone always gets hurt. Someone is always messy, you get the picture. You kiddo sounds like a fun, energetic, happy, loving little man. Seriously, from what I read, good job mama!

I'm so sorry about you being blue. I wish I was there to come to your house and clean, cook, and pamper a new mommy! I send you virtual hugs and naps! Hang in there! Don't be afriad to reach out and get help if you need it, and know that you are doing a great job and in time this too shall pass. Just like being 3 will pass too!

HUGS!!!

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 14, Jillianne 11, Jensen 9, Jacen 8 & my dog Kota 3
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Pagan,Reader,Homeschooler,Friend.
yarngoddess is offline  
#24 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 10:36 AM
 
LavenderMae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: where I write my own posts!
Posts: 12,213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry. That's a tough situation. It does seem they over reacted. Toddlers do tend to be rough sometimes and someone does often get hurt. I'm on my third toddler so I'm well aware of that dynamic, perhaps they are not. Some toddlres do tend to be more rough though and it's no fun for your child to keep getting hurt by said toddler. I'm not saying that's what happened in your situation but I've been there and it sucks when the parents of the hitter (Puller, biter, aggressive hugger ect) won't intervene and stop their child when needed.

I would not leave your playgroup if she is uncomfortable with you and your son being there she needs to make other arrangements.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
LavenderMae is offline  
#25 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 11:08 AM
 
crwilson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 710
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would have a hard time doing this myself because I'm very non-confrontational, but I would try to talk to this mom again. I think that if you explain that you are sorry her dd got hurt and say that her friendship means a lot to you, that you will be able to work it out. What I think would be bad is letting it fester. I would probably call instead of writing/e-mailing though because then you can have a conversation. Good luck!
crwilson is offline  
#26 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 11:13 AM
 
zaftigmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Red Sox Nation
Posts: 1,318
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What a tough situation to be in, especially 4 weeks postpartum. My new mother's group literally saved my sanity, so I really hope you don't give up the playgroup.

Even though the play sounds normal, and not out of control, I would have apologized to the girl and her parents when she got hurt, and had my son apologize. And I probably would have put an end to the tackling game, even if it was mutual. If I were the other parent, I'd be irritated that my kid go hurt and the other kid's parents didn't do anything about it.

But they can't blame a 3 year old, seriously, can they? Are they blaming you, saying you don't keep an eye on your kid and let him play roughly with other kids? If so, I would apologize, like a pp mentioned. And mention you'll work harder at making sure there's no unnecessary roughness during the playdates, and I would mention that both kids seemed to be enjoying the tackling game, which is why you didn't think to stop it.

About leaving the group - is it a group of hers that she invited you to? Were you one of the original members? Can you call/talk to/email the other moms and see if it was a group decision? She can choose not to have playdates with you (which seems lame, as her dd clearly enjoyed playing with your son at the party) but can she ask you to leave a support group? I would hope not.

Good luck, I hope you work this out and can still be in the group. Let us know how it works out!

Take care,

"Home is where the heart is, no matter how the heart lives." - PP&M
zaftigmama is offline  
#27 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 11:50 AM
 
wifeandmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Add me to the list of those who are confused about why HER decision to not have her child around your child means that YOU can't go to playgroup. I don't get that at all. Is she the founder of this playgroup? Is it held in her home?

If it's in her home, I understand that she's basically uninviting you to her home.

But if it's held in public places or in other mom's homes, it's up to HER not to attend if she doesn't want her child exposed to yours.

How exactly did she word it to make you think you will no longer be welcome at play group, and why does she get to decide who comes and who does not?

If that's really how your playgroup works, with one mom holding the power of who comes and who does not, I'd suggest finding another playgroup. That doesn't sound like a situation I'd want anything to do with.
wifeandmom is offline  
#28 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:25 PM
 
Penelope's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: West Papio Creek Trail
Posts: 12,185
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You're getting great advice here. If I could add - you might email her and say that you agree that no child should be hurt, and that she has every right to protect her daughter from an uncomfortable situation. Suggest that you and she find a mutually agreeable strategy to redirect your childrens' play (maybe you could take turns being the mom who hovers over the two of them for the next month or two, although with a new baby your ability to do this might be limited). Once you and she have things worked out, you can be open with the playgroup - A and B were playing too roughly, here's what we're planning to do to redirect/moniter their behavior, and we'd appreciate support in this strategy.

I'm sorry she's handling this badly, but IMO it's still salvagable.

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
Penelope is offline  
#29 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 12:43 PM
 
homewithtwinsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,109
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It must be soo hard being only 4 months PP. I suggest you do NOT let this "kick" you out of your group of friends. She is the one who decided her child shouldn't be around yours. That means it is her responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. Please take all the support you need from the other friends you have. I know that personally doing just that has been a Godsend for me. :[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. If she wants to withdraw from the support group it is her choice. You need the support right now. Now just reading the story I would have been upset too if you son had been that aggressive with my daughter. I think it behooved you to get your son to stop what he was doing whether or not the girl was responding in kind. It was clearly escalating and would eventually become worse...but I would still tell her that although you are sorry you didn't handle it the way she would have liked (sincerely apologize instead of making excuses that they are overreacting) you will not be leaving the group because you are struggling with PPD and can't lose the support of friends right now. I did leave a support group once because of a child who was aggressive in this way and the mother would not make an effort to control it. I quit when he finally threw a 2 foot long heavy truck at her head and the mother made a joke out of it. My dh also had an absolute fit about it when I told him. Men want to protect their children, its a natural response.
homewithtwinsmama is offline  
#30 of 54 Old 02-18-2008, 01:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
simplehome's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 1,007
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for the hugs, guys.

I'd like to call her to talk about it, but I'm just not capable of any conversation without crying right now. I don't know how I'd manage it. I also don't think it's a conversation I can have with DS around. But I did send her a calm and well-reasoned email last night. I didn't get into any he-said-she-said, but just that I'm disappointed that she didn't try to talk to me and try to come up with another solution first.

I should have said that part of my conversation with DS after the incident was that he told me that he had already apologized to her before I came into the room. We were sitting on the couch with the mom comforting the little girl, so I did talk to my friend at that point about what had happened, and apologized to her that her daughter got hurt. That was very close to the end of the night, so the rough play ended at that point.

She didn't say that I would be out of the group, but here's how it stands---she and the other two women live very close to one another. They go to gymnastics classes together, they meet at the park in the neighborhood, etc. I live about 8-10 miles away from them. We used to have others who lived in between, but they fell out of the group close to the beginning. Also, I'm 30, the mom in question is 38, the third mom is 42, and the fourth mom is 46. Not that age is the whole issue, but I've only ever really felt CLOSE to the mom in question. The other three of them are much closer friends, and I can just feel that even if the others don't want to exclude me, that's just naturally what's going to happen. I've talked to the mom who was hosting the party, and she wants to try to keep seeing us, but seems to be assuming that we won't be coming to our weekly group any longer.

The fathers were also at this party---I think that's part of the issue. Her dad saw how upset she was, and my DH was in the room but not looking directly at them when this happened. I think he finds my DH at fault for the incident.

I'm just baffled---yes, they are either newly 3 or not quite 3 years old, and this stuff happens! Her daughter is normally the aggressive and crazy one in the group, which is why I'm even more baffled. I think that under normal circumstances I would keep pushing to go to the group, but right now I just want to crawl under a rock and sob. My son is being a real "gem" at home to begin with, so having to deal with drama with a friend when we go out to play is sooooo not what I'm interested in right now. Ugh.

Anyway, thanks for the hugs. DH is sitting here playing with DS, and I can tell that he's wondering if he can go to work today and leave me with these two kiddos in the state I'm in. I think I need to find some help, but don't really know where.

Mama to DS 3/05 and DD 1/08
simplehome is offline  
Reply


User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 1,425

6 members and 1,419 guests
dubaispadeals , KerriB , Notorious APD , PrayerOFChrist , skyrocket , stretrol5
Most users ever online was 21,860, 06-22-2018 at 08:45 PM.