Hi everyone. I am in need of some serious advice or support. It is a bit of a long story, but I really really need to talk about this and get your honest input. This does involve a discussion of faith, but I truly welcome input from everyone.
Let me start by saying that I am not exactly sure what to believe in as far as religion and faith is concerned. I guess I am a work in progress. Nevertheless, I do say prayers of gratitude and prayers for guidance every day, alone and with my husband and daughter, even if I am not exactly sure who (God) or what (the universe) I am praying to.
In August of 2006, DH and I decided we wanted to bring another child to our family. For quite a while, I had had a very very strong urge to adopt internationally: I already felt blessed to have experienced pregnancy, I was concerned about having another complicated pregnancy (preterm, IUGR), my heart felt connected to some little one without a family, the reasons go on and on. DH was a bit uncomfortable with adoption and so we decided to start TTC in June 2007. My heart was torn between adopting and conceiving and so I prayed that God make it perfectly clear what he/she/it wanted. I became pregnant the first month we tried and had a miscarriage 5 days after my first positive pregnancy test.
So, we spent some time reflecting. I was a little shaken up, wondering if this was a response to my prayer, wondering if this was God's will. At this point, however, I had become attached to conceiving a child and desperately wanting to be pregnant. Realizing that m/c is fairly common, we decided to give it another try. Again, I became pregnant the first month we tried. I miscarried at 8 weeks. I was broken, devastated, angry, and emotionally done with trying to conceive. That was in October 2007. We saw an RE and had dozens of tests done (clotting, chromosomal, immune, thyroid, etc etc etc). The only thing wrong was a slightly elevated LH:FSH ratio (hormones). The doctor suggested that we try Clomid, but he didn't really think it would work to correct the ratio. And I already had 1 child, further evidence that there wasn't much wrong.
I am calm now, not angry like before. I have begun to accept the situation. But my heart still longs for another child for our family, a sibling for my DD. After letting my body and heart rest for 4 months, my husband and I decided to give it one last try this cycle. But we prayed together that we please be spared the pain of another m/c if this wasn't God's will. I used soy in place of Clomid (works the same), but it didn't move up my ovulation day as it was supposed to. We still tried to conceive later in the cycle (I have always had long cycles). Using OPKs and saliva ferning, we pinpointed ovulation. And covered our bases a lot before and after ovulation. I went on 200 mg/day of progesterone after 2 days of high temps had confirmed ovulation. We have always conceived on our first try. But, the week after I ovulated, I knew in my heart that I was not pregnant. I did not feel pregnant like I had before. Today, at 14 DPO, I tested. Negative. We were spared the pain of another loss.
So it seems to me that a biological child is clearly not how we are meant to bring another child to our family. I am okay with that. Sure, I will miss growing and birthing another baby, but I already got to experience that once. And I feel strongly called and connected to a child out there somewhere. I already love him/her immensely.
I know that DH has some big reservations about adoption (He wonders, "Will I bond with the child? Will I love the child as much as my own? It is so expensive."). None of these are concerns for me. DH is in the middle of a job change and so we haven't had The Conversation about it again. He knows that we will need to talk about it, though. But if he doesn't feel the strong pull to adopt that I do, then how do I know if we are meant to adopt?
What I would like to know from you is: what is your interpretation of what has happened to us? If this was your story, would you feel that these events are responses to your prayers? Where would you go next?
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read.
Marine ecologist wife to my kite-boarding soulmate and now a homeschooling SAHM to Annabelle 8/02 and Willem 12/08!