Is God/The Universe trying to tell us something? Adopting vs. Trying to Conceive... - Mothering Forums

 
Thread Tools
#1 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 12:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
ChesapeakeBorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: by the Bay in MD
Posts: 1,198
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Hi everyone. I am in need of some serious advice or support. It is a bit of a long story, but I really really need to talk about this and get your honest input. This does involve a discussion of faith, but I truly welcome input from everyone.

Let me start by saying that I am not exactly sure what to believe in as far as religion and faith is concerned. I guess I am a work in progress. Nevertheless, I do say prayers of gratitude and prayers for guidance every day, alone and with my husband and daughter, even if I am not exactly sure who (God) or what (the universe) I am praying to.

In August of 2006, DH and I decided we wanted to bring another child to our family. For quite a while, I had had a very very strong urge to adopt internationally: I already felt blessed to have experienced pregnancy, I was concerned about having another complicated pregnancy (preterm, IUGR), my heart felt connected to some little one without a family, the reasons go on and on. DH was a bit uncomfortable with adoption and so we decided to start TTC in June 2007. My heart was torn between adopting and conceiving and so I prayed that God make it perfectly clear what he/she/it wanted. I became pregnant the first month we tried and had a miscarriage 5 days after my first positive pregnancy test.

So, we spent some time reflecting. I was a little shaken up, wondering if this was a response to my prayer, wondering if this was God's will. At this point, however, I had become attached to conceiving a child and desperately wanting to be pregnant. Realizing that m/c is fairly common, we decided to give it another try. Again, I became pregnant the first month we tried. I miscarried at 8 weeks. I was broken, devastated, angry, and emotionally done with trying to conceive. That was in October 2007. We saw an RE and had dozens of tests done (clotting, chromosomal, immune, thyroid, etc etc etc). The only thing wrong was a slightly elevated LH:FSH ratio (hormones). The doctor suggested that we try Clomid, but he didn't really think it would work to correct the ratio. And I already had 1 child, further evidence that there wasn't much wrong.

I am calm now, not angry like before. I have begun to accept the situation. But my heart still longs for another child for our family, a sibling for my DD. After letting my body and heart rest for 4 months, my husband and I decided to give it one last try this cycle. But we prayed together that we please be spared the pain of another m/c if this wasn't God's will. I used soy in place of Clomid (works the same), but it didn't move up my ovulation day as it was supposed to. We still tried to conceive later in the cycle (I have always had long cycles). Using OPKs and saliva ferning, we pinpointed ovulation. And covered our bases a lot before and after ovulation. I went on 200 mg/day of progesterone after 2 days of high temps had confirmed ovulation. We have always conceived on our first try. But, the week after I ovulated, I knew in my heart that I was not pregnant. I did not feel pregnant like I had before. Today, at 14 DPO, I tested. Negative. We were spared the pain of another loss.

So it seems to me that a biological child is clearly not how we are meant to bring another child to our family. I am okay with that. Sure, I will miss growing and birthing another baby, but I already got to experience that once. And I feel strongly called and connected to a child out there somewhere. I already love him/her immensely.

I know that DH has some big reservations about adoption (He wonders, "Will I bond with the child? Will I love the child as much as my own? It is so expensive."). None of these are concerns for me. DH is in the middle of a job change and so we haven't had The Conversation about it again. He knows that we will need to talk about it, though. But if he doesn't feel the strong pull to adopt that I do, then how do I know if we are meant to adopt?

What I would like to know from you is: what is your interpretation of what has happened to us? If this was your story, would you feel that these events are responses to your prayers? Where would you go next?

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read.

Marine ecologist wife to my kite-boarding soulmate and now a homeschooling SAHM to Annabelle 8/02 and Willem 12/08!
ChesapeakeBorn is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 12:23 PM
 
VegHipMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 359
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you are very wise! It took me 15 years to get to the point you are now (regarding the infertility and miscarriages, not about adopting). I have many friends with one child who had hoped for more, but were comforted by their faith that God was pleased with their family just the way it was.

Speaking as someone old enough to be your mother, I can tell you that you have a long time ahead as a family, of whatever size. Take every day as it comes right now. Let your husband get settled in his new job. See what life holds for you at this time.

I'm sure you've heard the expression: Let go and let God. That's as good an answer as I've ever found. Forcing things has a tendency to break more than it fixes.
VegHipMama is offline  
#3 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 12:54 PM
 
clynnr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Northwest Arkansas
Posts: 1,717
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi ChesapeakeBorn!

I will preface my post with the fact that I am a born-again Christian, just so you know where I'm coming from.

We have had three miscarriages in the last eight months. Foster care and adoption has always been on our hearts. In fact, before DH proposed, I told him that if he wanted to marry me he had to know that we would be adopting some day, and if he was not okay with that, don't ask. DH is Christian as well.

We both feel that God is not done with our family yet. He keeps leading me to Scriptures about families and children. We are called to care for the orphans of the world! He has also given us the resources, support, and room to care for more children. But after three miscarriages, I came to realize that maybe pregnancy wasn't in his plan for us right now. We have just started the process of becoming licensed for foster care, and I really feel that is where we should be. We considered adoption, but there is no way we could afford it. None. So we are excitedly taking on this new opportunity, with constant prayer and asking for guidance. We are not ruling out another pregnancy, just not right now.

Having told my story, here is MHO. Only you can know what God is telling you. No one else is a part of that intimate relationship.

Also, I would never even consider fostering/adoption if DH weren't on board 100%. My relationship with him comes first, and as part of our marriage we submit to one another. I wouldn't want resentment to come between us. We spent a lot of time talking about what we are doing now, and getting our questions answered so that we were both comfortable. That may take some time, but IMHO, it's time well-spent.
clynnr is offline  
 
#4 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 12:57 PM
 
VisionaryMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 3,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Okay, here's my honest opinion. You want to adopt, not have a biological child. That's perfectly fine, but I don't think saying it's God and/or the universe is really the right answer. In all honesty, you haven't been trying long. You started trying June 2007. That's only 9 months ago, and you took a 4-month break. When I worked at an OB clinic (which was years ago), the standard was that they wouldn't even consider you for Clomid or anything else if you hadn't been trying actively for 6 months. It seems you're very worked up over it, and as I'm sure you know, stress negatively affects the body's ability to get pregnant and sustain the pg. I have no idea about plotting my ovulation and all of that. When we were ttc, we just used old standards - sex at the same time every other day. We got pg immediately both times. I don't know if that means we're overly fertile or that it's actually been the suggested method for ttc for so long because it works so well.

I think if you'd rather adopt, then it's better to deal with that issue and head down that road with your hubby (whatever the two of you decide) than to continue ttc.

FWIW, I would love to adopt, but my husband won't do it. We revisit the issue from time to time, but he's not totally onboard. His brothers both are adopted, and it didn't turn out well for their family. It's something that scares him because of that history, so we are waiting it out to see if his outlook changes.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
VisionaryMom is offline  
#5 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
ChesapeakeBorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: by the Bay in MD
Posts: 1,198
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Thank you all for your responses and insight. I am so grateful for your time.

I would like to clarify something, BrandiRhoades. When we first started TTC #2, I was not stressed about it. Nor did I know anything about charting temps, OPKs, etc, etc, etc. We just had sex and got pregnant each time. And when we got pregnant again last fall, I felt very positive about it. Then things started to go wrong and of course then I panicked, knowing the pregancy was ending. I charted this last cycle so I would know when to start progesterone (can't do it before O), but it didn't stress me out. Honestly, with this last cycle, I was as calm as could be. I turned it over to the universe. So I do not believe in any way that stress negatively impacted my pregnancies or chances of getting pregnant.

Secondly, I couldn't agree with you more, clynnr, about DH being on board 100%. That is why I am not pushing the issue. He knows that I am interested in it and we will talk about it when he feels ready for the discussion. I do not believe that anyone should ever embark upon bringing a child into the home when they are not fully comfortable with it.

VegHipMama: "Let go and let God" is a great bit of advice. That is what we did with this past cycle. And that is why I am wondering where to go from here. But for now, I am going to do as you said and let DH get settled in his new job. I'll bide my time with some projects around the house. We would want them done before bringing a child into our home, no matter how he/she arrives. But
at some point, we will have to make a decision: TTC or adopt. Both take a conscious effort. I am just still wondering when we will make that decision...

Marine ecologist wife to my kite-boarding soulmate and now a homeschooling SAHM to Annabelle 8/02 and Willem 12/08!
ChesapeakeBorn is offline  
#6 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 02:42 PM
 
LionTigerBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Northern California
Posts: 6,455
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If I were you I would continue to pray about it, research it so that you can discuss and share the pros and cons and various issues involved with your dh, but DO NOT look at photolistings! They will only get your mothering hormones all worked up and feeling impatient for another child. At least, they have that affect on me!

Good luck!

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

LionTigerBear is offline  
#7 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 03:42 PM
 
alicia622's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: 44° 48' N 68° 50' W
Posts: 4,568
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would interpret the events as 1- you are not meant to have another biological child at this time and 2- you are not meant to adopt at this time. In other words, your family is complete (for now). I'd continue to pray for guidance to figure out how to proceed.

It's funny because when we first learned dh has a condition that makes him sterile, I thought we should just move forward with adoption right away. DH is the one that dragged his feet about adoption and it took me years to feel at peace with donor sperm. We tried this for a year and a half or so until the 9th failed attempt (including two 'chemical pegnancies') when I just decided I was not putting myself through this anymore. By this time, DH was on board with fostering with the hopes of adopting. We were incredibly blessed to have adopted our little boy, who was our first and only foster care placement. So, the point of what I'm telling you is to be patient, enjoy your family and when the time is right you will know it and it will work out how it's meant to.

Alicia DH Mike DS Gage Lola & Zeus Fishy Dishy, Charkey and Shark
RIP Sidney 1994-2010 RIP Charlie Brown 2008-2010
alicia622 is offline  
#8 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 04:29 PM
 
robynlyn80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I hope you can find some peace with all of this. I don't have much advice, but I did want to add that MANY pre-adoptive fathers feel like your DH. Many many many. It is actually pretty uncommon (although certainly it does happen, and probably to families here) that the father is gung-ho about adoption. Men have a hard time with the concept until a baby is actually in their arms.

Perhaps it would be reassuring to your DH to know that if he CAN attach, to anyone or anything at all, he will attach to and love your adopted child. I can't say it will be the same as the love he has for your bio child, because isn't the love we have for each of our children ALL different?

It is frequently unrealistic for women to expect their husbands to feel as excited and passionate about their upcoming adoption. Men just work a little differently. THis isn't to say women should push forward without their husband's blessing- not at all. It was just to offer another perspective.
robynlyn80 is offline  
#9 of 15 Old 03-04-2008, 05:04 PM
 
EFmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 7,800
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not a believer in divine or cosmic intervention, so I wouldn't buy into god trying to tell you something. I'm someone who had multiple miscarriages and I think it did make me do some things that didn't make a great deal of sense.

You might want to look into your local adoption support groups. See if they have events that you could take your dh to. For some people it all just seems unreal or too pie in the sky until they see actual families formed through adoption, and see the kids running around and playing.
EFmom is offline  
#10 of 15 Old 03-05-2008, 04:45 PM
 
RedOakMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: A little stone house
Posts: 6,794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't believe the universe was trying to tell you something. I spent the last few years bashing my head into the "why, Universe, WHY?" question (my oldest sons are twins with a severe, and random, genetic condition which led to the death of my son James last fall).

Have you read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People"? It's a faith-based discussion, so it might be helpful to you. A lot of people who have read it have told me it gave them a deep sense of peace and understanding.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you a mountain of healing before you have to decide. If you ever want them, come back here and ask for links to articles about issues of fertility and the choice to adopt. There's a lot written on the subject, and when you want to make the decision about adoption you might find it interesting.

And what EFmom said is so true... go to a few informational meetings/support groups (just to observe, not to sign up with an agency!) on adoption and it will make adoption seem a lot more real...for your dh especially.



I'm sorry for your losses, pain, and confusion. I'm sure it's not an easy place to be.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
RedOakMomma is offline  
#11 of 15 Old 03-05-2008, 08:43 PM
 
w8ing4myDD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 178
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Firstly, I am truly sorry for your losses.
I don't know if this helps or not, but here's the short verson of me:

We were "late bloomers" in that DH and I didn't get married till I was 31, and didn't start TTC until 35. When I miscarried at 10 weeks I was devastated. I had a very rocky pregnancy complete with several trips to the ER. Although I do not go to church I do pray sometimes, and boy, did I during those 10 weeks! So not surprisingly I was very upset/confused/angry with God.

After an unusually long recovery (almost 6 months) and more medical issues, we were told that it might be challenging and risky to carry to term, but that it could be done.

Well, we had always said that adoption was an option for us, so we began to look into it.
The reason I'm telling you this is that we ended up waiting a long time after the m/c to start the adoption, and I think it was good that we did. I didn't realize up until 2007 (even after we started the adoption process) that I hadn't worked through stuff. Namely, guilt. In other words, I felt like less of a woman or mother because I wasn't "willing" to do whatever it took to birth a child. We all know people who go through years of treatment, months of bedrest, etc...

Anyway, I was scared to do it and DH was scared to do it, and we knew we could love a child regardless of biology. But we agreed that we had to BOTH be 100% on the same page about this. So we spent a long time thinking/praying. I looked for "signs" but haven't seen any. However, I now feel that this is what we are meant to do. Don't know if it's GOd or fate, or my own insanity, but it feels right. And I know that you will know too. But I think it's important for you BOTH to figure that out!

I don't know if any of this hits home, but hope it helps. Sorry for the ramble.

lisa

: Mama to 2
Waiting 3 years and counting to be a mama to a non-furry babe...
w8ing4myDD is offline  
#12 of 15 Old 03-06-2008, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
ChesapeakeBorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: by the Bay in MD
Posts: 1,198
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Thank you again so much for sharing your thoughts. It really makes a difference and means so much.

Turns out I was pregnant this month. Bloodwork shows I'll be losing this one as well. I guess we weren't spared.

I think I'll pick up a copy of the book you mentioned, RedOak, and hope that someday we can adopt.

Marine ecologist wife to my kite-boarding soulmate and now a homeschooling SAHM to Annabelle 8/02 and Willem 12/08!
ChesapeakeBorn is offline  
#13 of 15 Old 03-06-2008, 08:45 PM
 
LionTigerBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Northern California
Posts: 6,455
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

LionTigerBear is offline  
#14 of 15 Old 03-07-2008, 12:38 AM
 
RedOakMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: A little stone house
Posts: 6,794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry. You've been through so much.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
RedOakMomma is offline  
#15 of 15 Old 03-07-2008, 02:57 PM
 
w8ing4myDD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 178
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So sorry.

: Mama to 2
Waiting 3 years and counting to be a mama to a non-furry babe...
w8ing4myDD is offline  
Reply


User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 1,786

8 members and 1,778 guests
Deborah , FunSunSon , hakunangovi , kathymuggle , KerriB , megaluv2give , omarinbox1888 , Realdeal
Most users ever online was 21,860, 06-22-2018 at 08:45 PM.