I have not written an actual birth story yet - I'm still working on processing all that happened - but I did write this sort-of-poem for my daughter Julianna, born 08.02.05
You came to me in a desert rainstorm
My water baby
As rare and longed for as rain falling on lands of cactus and tumbleweed
Your journey from me and through me was matched by the intensity of the elements I barely sensed beyond my bedroom window,
So involved was I in the work of your birth.
The reality of your passage scattered me into a million unexpected pieces
And I encountered the limits of my faith and trust.
No control, no restraint
Waves roaring and rolling
over me and over me and over me
….."I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t"…..
And then my wise woman moaned a low moan, and the darkening room joined with her
I felt the vibrations at my core and my soul began to come together again.
And I learned that you had placed yourself across my womb,
So that my body could not work with yours
and I was shaken and confused and frightened
And then I was guided, and so were you
Guided and loved and positioned by gentle hands and loving hearts,
and ancient instincts and intuition and adrenaline and skill
Against all odds, bringing both of us to the places we needed to be
Your spirit told me in a one day dream that your life was linked to water,
and it was your waters that provided buoyancy for your release
In answer to my every prayer.
So that now, together, we could do this work that no one else could do.
I opened wide for you, and you moved for me
And together we danced and worked and sweated and loved,
in the rain, in the water, into the deepening night.
And I whimpered and screamed and groaned and swore and shook and writhed.
….."Oh Baby. Oh Baby. Oh Baby. Oh Baby"…..
Not pretty or serene or peaceful – but real and brutal and true.
Never more vulnerable, never more powerful
No choice but to relinquish control to a universe wiser than myself
Becoming raw and primal and brutally honest for perhaps the very first time.
And the force of our journey brought me to the edge of my doubts,
Spiraling and climbing and falling and soaring all at once.
I reached out for someone to hold me, something to hold on to
….."Help me! Help me! Help me!"…..
And I found the strength of your father and the hands of my dear one and the wisdom of our sage femmes
And they showed me that all that I needed was within me, and with me and all around me
And I found the power to go on when I thought I didn’t know where to look.
While the heavens opened up cascades of rain onto the dry desert soil, our waters burst forth on the bed of your conception
And I was deep within myself and far beyond myself in the same moment
And my womb began to heave, and my noises changed and I felt myself return just a little
Thunder crashed, lightening brightened the sky,
The universe shook with the power of your birthing,
and the final part of our together journey began
And standing and lifting and pushing and grunting,
all on my own, and not without help
Held up by my own power, and by the love of the room and by strong arms that never let us go
I felt you, every inch of you,
And I felt me, every inch of me
Moving and spinning and stretching and expanding to the edge of possibility and so far beyond.
And I reached down to touch my private and beautiful center
So I could feel with my hands what my body could do,
Tremendous, triumphant, in awe.
And then you came forth with a mighty effort that joined us to others.
In that moment and forever
And one became two became one again.
And you were here.
A girl. My girl.
Daughter, sister, guru.
In my arms.
In my soul.
In my heart.
You were birthed into the hands of your father, your sister by his side with joyous welcome.
Your body, plump and slippery, like the baby I remembered from my long ago dream
So that even though it wasn’t the same, it was,
and I already knew you
But the challenges of your journey did not end with your entrance
For I believe you needed me to know exactly how much strength I possess
And many voices and flashing lights and loud sirens and blood and pain and a bright room filled with people I did not know,
And needles and pressure and hands and the blood of another flowing through my veins to replace what had been lost.
And the agony of my empty arms and my heart yearning for you, the incredible wrongness of having you, but not holding you
All this became a part of our story
As I struggle to understand, and honour this birth for what it was
Deep down I already know that all that it was,
was exactly what it needed to be
And that the truths of your birthday will continue to be revealed only as I am ready to accept them
I carry you within me now just as surely as I did during those sacred months
You flow through my blood, you have spliced yourself into the memory of my cells, and knitted yourself into the fiber of my being
You have a dimpled chin, long delicate fingers, and the wise eyes of the great teacher I know you to be.
You are soft, and you are strong,
and perfect beyond all my abilities to comprehend perfection
And my heart belonged to you from the very first moment,
and even before.
You lie now, nestled in the crook of my arm, and I gaze into your eyes
Into the unfathomable depths of your soul
And I wonder about the mysteries we will encounter together, and the wisdom you will bring me.
I see, in your maybe-brown eyes, that you have lessons to share and secrets to keep
You are an old soul, a mellow heart, a poet and a guide
You are quiet intensity, and powerful conviction
Surrounded by shades of deepest green and calmest blue.
And I sink down into your softness, and that heady sweet smell
and I yearn for the power to slow time
You are no longer of my body,
But still, I carry you nestled next to my heart, against my breast
I carry you in my soul
You came to me in a desert rainstorm.