Who will be present at your birth? After? When will family visit? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 01-28-2015, 03:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Who will be present at your birth? After? When will family visit?

This is my first pregnancy so I have never given birth before! Who are you planning to have at your birth? How long will you wait to have family/friends visit? I can't plan who I will want to be in the room during the birth until it's happening because I have no way to know now what I will want then. I've been thinking a lot about how soon to have family and friends visit after the birth and I really don't know what to tell people! It seems like in the typical hospital birth situation family members/friends wait for the baby to born and are in the room holding the baby almost immediately after birth! That seems a little crazy to me... this baby will have been part of my body for 9 months I'm not sure that I will feel comfortable passing him/her around the room so soon! I don't know if I should invite family to the birth center to see the baby right away (where we will be for up to 12 hours after the birth) or tell them to wait and come visit us once we get home. I want everyone to feel involved but I also want to give the three of us time to be three. I'm afraid because I don't know how I will feel when it all happens.
What is your experience with this and what is your plan?
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#2 of 8 Old 01-29-2015, 08:30 AM
 
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DDC crashing (kind of, though my babe might be an April one).

I don't think you need a plan for when to have people meet the baby. Just go, give birth, and when you feel it's time to show baby off, get your partner to make phone calls It could be days later, it's your baby You have no obligation to tell people you're in labour or just had the baby.

As far as support people go, those do need to be figured out ahead of time, but you can also just have them be ready to expect a call and only call them if you think you need them.
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#3 of 8 Old 01-29-2015, 10:33 AM
 
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We're planning on a home birth. The only people there will be our 2 birth attendants, my partner, and my daughter.
I don't want anyone else. Most people in my circle are way too nervous and paranoid to be of any help in a homebirth type of situation.


As far as visitors...we're having a hard time setting boundaries with my in-laws. They are the kind of people who are extremely involved (read bossy) with my partner, and it's really causing him grief to put an end to that now that we are a family. His mom told me she wanted to come over and stay at our house one month before my due date just so she wouldn't miss the birth + wanted to be the first one to hold the baby. She'd just sit on a chair and wait. She is one of the bossiest most intrusive people I've ever met. Needless to say, she's not coming 1 month before my due date. And if my partner is not the first to hold the baby (to hand her to me), then it will be me. My mother lives in Spain, and we have planned for her to come and help me 1 week after my due date. I hope to birth before she gets here. My partner just started a new job, so he won't be able to take off more than a couple of days. It will be nice having my mom to help me and cook for me.

It's your birth. Your decision who's there, and when they can show up. Best of luck working that out!
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#4 of 8 Old 01-29-2015, 10:36 AM
 
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Well Wander gave you some great advice! Think about the kind of support you'll likely have. What sorts of people do you turn to when you are most afraid or stressed? Who bugs the ever living crap out of you when you are already on edge? That will tell you a lot about the sort of people you will want near you when you give birth.

I will have my husband present, plus one of my closest friends. My husband is very attentive and sweet and good-natured and will definitely be a comfort to me when things get tough. He is also diplomatic and funny so the nurses will like him (and believe it or not, that's very important because if they like you, they'll be more attentive and more cooperative when you say "no thank you" to their interventions). My friend is very knowledgeable about natural childbirth and can be very assertive so that when staff don't listen when we smile and say "no thank you," she will step in and say "didn't you hear them? they said no, no go take a hike," though she's more colorful with her choice of words ;-) She will make a great advocate, and will gladly stand between us and staff if necessary to get them to back off if needed. She might piss someone off, but they won't want to cross her.

When transition hits, I tend to kind of freak out (that's normal btw) and my husband will likely cave at this point and want to make everything easy for me and will be calling for an epidural or some demerol. My friend, on the other hand, will remind him to chill out, and then tell me to suck it up, and remind me it's almost over.

I think they'll make the perfect good-cop-bad-cop tag team for my labor, and I'm pleased with my decision. I would LOVE to have a birthing center or home birth attended by a midwife, but I have way too many complications and risk factors for that. Still, I have managed to have two non-medicated, natural, no-interventions births in hospitals before, and I hope to have a three-peat.

L (40), wife to C (41), mom to dd C (19) freshman in college and world traveller, and ds K (17) ballet dancer and high school junior, and dd A born April 2015. I'm a homeschool veteran (12 yrs), part-time RN, baby wearer, and breastfeeding mama.
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#5 of 8 Old 01-29-2015, 10:50 AM
 
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Planning a home birth with my 2 MW's, DH, and my close friend in attendance, provided she can arrange for someone to watch her LO.

I'm thinking I'll have my mom come pick up the boys when stuff gets going, but that might change. If they're not being too distracting I'd love to have them there, but my oldest 2 were bouncing off the walls last time I was in labor and it drove me nuts!

I haven't even thought of when people can come visit. I agree with PP advice. It doesn't need to be planned out ahead of time, just give everyone a call when you feel like you're ready! I *personally* don't like the idea of the waiting room cheer squad. It makes me feel like a watched pot, and you know what they say about those plus it would bother me to have to deal with a crowd while I'm still riding that birthing high and just want to coo over my babe and love on my DH. That's just me though! I know plenty of mamas who love to have that support and being surrounded by living family immediately.
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#6 of 8 Old 01-29-2015, 12:15 PM
 
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With DS, it was DH and me for most of the labor, then in the last few hours, two midwives, their apprentice, and my mom (a nurse, and, you know my mom ). This time, I think I'll send my son to MIL's and have the same people present (assuming mom flies up in time!) plus a friend who's offered to do photography. She's a totally non-pushy, non-intrusive type, and I would love to have some pretty photos, since I only have ONE iphone photo from my last labor and a handful of blurry photos just after the birth that one of the midwives got. Both home births.

As far as visitors, people were pretty good about not being pushy. My mom, MIL, and SIL all came and cooked or did a little laundry, but everyone was very careful not to stay too long. I do have more "mama" friends this time around, though, and I also have a busy little toddler who will want more active company than myself, though, so I imagine those first weeks will be a bit busier this time around!

Mama to thomas, born september 2012, and expecting the next april 2015. Editor and farmer by trade, knitter and reader when I have the time!
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#7 of 8 Old 01-30-2015, 07:13 AM
 
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For the actual births, I only had my husband with me. For the first birth (in a hospital) we had a doula but the second and this one which will be in birth centers it will just be DH and the midwives.

I would have loved to have my mom present but she is very anxious and I felt like especially for the birth center birth she would make me anxious as well.

However, i LOVED having my family there right after the birth. My mom and daughter saw my son when he was 1 min old and still in the tub (but they just peeked in and didn't hold him at that point). I'm close with my family and for me having a baby was something i couldn't wait to share with them. For my first my parents and one of my sisters was in the waiting room and held her about an hour after the birth, which was perfect for me.

My in laws live in another country and have never been there right after birth, but I definitely would have felt different about my MIL being there! So I agree it depends on you and your relationship with your friends and family.

For this one, my family will not be able to be there and it's really hard for me. I imagine we will skype with them soon after the birth but they won't get to meet the baby until he is 2 1/2 months

Loving wife to DH and
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mama to DD (11/08) and DS (2/12) and expecting another little boy (4/15)
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#8 of 8 Old 02-05-2015, 06:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your input everyone! I had a wonderful conversation with my partner about all of my thoughts around this topic and he reassured me. Although we may not be able to plan all of the details now I know that they will come together. As it stands I think that our moms will be the only people that we want to have at the birth center and then our immediate family can come to visit as soon as we are ready, that's the part we will have to play by ear. So we will just plan to give them a phone call as soon as we feel like having visitors! And if anyone has an issue with it they can deal with it!!
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