Pregnancy, Tradition, and the In-Laws(To-Be) - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 14 Old 03-18-2015, 02:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Pregnancy, Tradition, and the In-Laws(To-Be)

This isn't really a pregnancy question but more of a personal question surrounding the pregnancy. I just need some more opinions because I keep questioning if I am doing the right thing.


My fiancé and I found out we were pregnant a few months after we got engaged. Certainly unplanned and a surprise though it wasn't necessarily unwelcomed. Anyway, both of our parents are pretty traditional and wanted us to get married right away although we had decided to wait at least a year before we did the deed. In my opinion the baby was conceived before marriage and getting married before the baby is born won't change that fact. I don't want to feel like I am getting married because I got pregnant and rush around to get everything together. Plus, I like the idea that we may have our very own ring bearer or flower girl that was the very product of the love we are celebrating.


I've tried explaining this, but everyone still believes that we need to get married asap and it's causing me to question everything.


Good or bad, I really am just looking for some thoughts and opinions on the matter because in the end I just want to do what is right for my baby and my family.
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#2 of 14 Old 03-18-2015, 03:28 PM
 
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I think what is right for you and your family is doing what you and your fiance want to do. So, seems like waiting is what you should do.

I happen to agree with your sentiment about feeling like you're rushing marriage just because you got pregnant.

I also feel like your wedding experience is going to be different than you originally imagined, whether you get married before or after baby. And nothing can change that, it's just the way it is now.

Congrats to you on the engagement and baby!
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#3 of 14 Old 03-18-2015, 03:37 PM
 
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It's up to you and your partner - not your respective friends or family.


I got married when I was eight months pregnant with my first. It was just easier to do - we didn't have to worry about last names or custody stuff or anything. We just eloped pretty much and did a JP ceremony instead of a wedding. We were going to have a real wedding somewhere down the line, but eight years later, that never happened. It kinda sucks in a way, but on the other hand, it doesn't. The marriage is what's important to us, not the actual wedding day. Some friends of ours who had fabulously planned weddings got divorced within a few years.


OTOH I do get wanting to make it a special day, and being pregnant kind of would put a damper on the traditional wedding. You'd have people questioning your commitment - are you JUST getting married for the baby, etc. I never had any real ceremonies in my life - sweet sixteen, prom, high school graduation, college graduation... at this rate I doubt I'll have a funeral, either. So I can see why a ceremony could be deeply meaningful for you, and you deserve to do it your own way. Being pressured into it by the in-laws is definitely not something that would feel good. I say, do it the way it'll be most special to you - but in the end, it's just a day.


Whether you do it before the baby is born, or after, the marriage is what's most important and lasting. A few years down the line I bet the in-laws won't still be talking about you choosing to delay the ceremony by a few months. (And if they are still talking about it, pshh, then those people have issues that have nothing to do with you!!)
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#4 of 14 Old 03-19-2015, 07:53 AM
 
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If your own inclination is to wait, I would go with that! Personally, I don't think I would want to wear a big white dress while obviously pregnant, and then also have to deal with all the stress of wedding planning while trying to prepare for the baby. I also hate conflict, though. Maybe they will chill out if you set a date, even if it's after the baby is born? It's too bad they can't just be happy for you. We have plenty of friends and family who waited until after the wedding to get married, or didn't ever do it at all. Good luck!
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#5 of 14 Old 03-19-2015, 12:04 PM
 
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Baby # 5 and we never got married. I think we'd elope if we did, or just do a JP wedding, like tiqa. I can't believe how much weddings cost!!! I'd rather have that money in the bank, but I'm no longer young and pre-kids.

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#6 of 14 Old 03-19-2015, 03:11 PM
 
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I got engaged when I was 4 months pregnant in 2013 and quite enjoyed wedding planning for a 2014 wedding, more than a year away. Baby was 9.5 months old at the wedding and I thought it was all quite perfect.
Metasequoia I'm shocked you aren't married!
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#7 of 14 Old 03-19-2015, 03:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serafina33 View Post
Metasequoia I'm shocked you aren't married!
Really? Why?

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#8 of 14 Old 03-19-2015, 04:42 PM
 
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I have had friends from traditional families who want them to marry sooner due to being pregnant. The reasoning is that you did wrong by getting pregnant before marriage but will "make it right" asap. Well, you didn't do wrong, so no reason to make it right. Your wedding and family are something you and your fiance make together on your terms.


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#9 of 14 Old 03-19-2015, 05:58 PM
 
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Meta - my guess is that she meant that a couple who's committed enough to have a gajillion kids together is usually into formalized marriage as well. Of course, we all know that's not always true.


For me personally, I felt "married" the first day I went to sleep at my DH's house for the first time, and I woke up to the sun rising and the neighbor's roosters crowing. We didn't get married (or even engaged) until more than a year later, but that was when I felt like he was different than any other relationship I've had before. He just felt like the one, and I felt like we were starting our lives together. Formal marriage (i.e. legal marriage) was more or less a convenience - for, you know, legal stuff. Spiritually I already felt complete. Now, we didn't have a social aspect to it. We didn't have friends or family who cared whether we were married or not. So it would have been silly to have a "wedding" when we basically didn't have anyone to invite to it. Spiritually we were fine, legally we were fine... Meh.
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#10 of 14 Old 03-20-2015, 12:59 AM
 
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Tiqa is right!
After more than fifteen years together I just figured you guys would have had a party about it, that's all. Weddings are such fun, I had a blast at mine. They can be simple affairs and just as much or more fun than big expensive weddings.

My first one I was pregnant and it was rushed and not ideal and not that fun. I can't recommend.
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#11 of 14 Old 03-20-2015, 07:04 AM
 
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19 years! I was 19 when we started dating. It's always been me who hasn't wanted to get married but we talk about it now and then and I'm not as opposed to the idea anymore. Right now (usually in pregnancy) he is constantly on my last nerve, so it won't be in the next few months! In so many ways I'm usually an idealist but in this case, I seem to be the pragmatist. Spiritually, I don't see any reason to get married (in our situation), but I look at the legal benefits (and cons) and end up going back and forth in my head.

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#12 of 14 Old 03-21-2015, 03:21 PM
 
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We ended up getting married out on a bluff in the high desert- I wore ski gloves, it was that cold! It was just us two and our dear friend and officiator and the full moon over the desert. It was beautiful and I wouldn't have changed a thing. I had planned on sending out announcements once we got back and throwing a party but my dad died shortly afterwards while he was still working on the list of people he wanted me to include. I just lost interest in a celebration. Neither my husband nor I were ever the kind of people who fantasized about marriage. This quiet, private ceremony (it lasted 3 days!) was exactly our style. It was great and a celebration with others just never seemed important to either of us.
@Beautitudine , this is such a personal decision! I am sorry to hear you're getting such pressure from family. It is such a hard dance with in laws on how to communicate with them in those early years! How long have you and your fiancé been together? I am lucky in that I have a very convicted husband and so any decision we made, he did a good job of conveying this to his family in no uncertain terms! I had to tackle mine..! After a while, the families get used to how you both manage these kinds of controversies and it gets easier- unless you give them too much control over your life! Beware!

I have had loved ones get married while big and pregnant- such a trick to get that dress to fit right! and also after baby arrives or not at all. Such big life transitions and it is really fun that you two get to navigate this together! Congrats on your engagement!

Good luck to you! Let us know what you decide!
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#13 of 14 Old 03-22-2015, 06:04 PM
 
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I'm very, very traditional and have the opinions you'd expect about this sort of stuff. So here's an opinion from that side: I don't know where the idea about rushing to get married comes from. In some situations, I would recommend it, but it definitely shouldn't be a blanket recommendation. I see this idea as actually contradictory with a lot of traditionalist's beliefs.
Have you asked them what is to be gained if you were married before the baby is born? As I see it, there are 2 options. Either they have a logical and valid reason, and you might want to consider their opinions (right?) or they will be forced to say a silly reason out loud which will hopefully make them realize their real motivation (which if I had to guess, is just about appearances). I highly expect the 2nd will happen, but if the 1st does, then hey, you've gained some valuable information from people who care about you.
Feel free to pm me if you want me go explain what I mean in more depth.
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#14 of 14 Old 03-22-2015, 07:14 PM
 
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I would want to get married before the baby arrived for two reasons; it simplifies the paperwork. And planning a wedding while caring for an infant and adjusting to life as a family of three would just be too much for me. I would not advocate getting married BECAUSE you're pregnant, but if you're getting married anyway it might be easier to do it sooner than later.

That said, there is nothing wrong with waiting to get married if that's what you want to do. DH and I got married when our daughter was 8. I also like what @TealCandy said about asking their reasons. Will it matter to you if your families refuse to pay for or attend your post-baby wedding? If so, it might be worth it to try to negotiate with them about it.

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