When I was 12 and she first visited, I was excited. I called my mom, my aunt, my best friend. I felt like I was part of an exclusive club. It was empowering.
When I was 16 and she came calling I was relieved. I'd been spared another month. My boyfriend could exhale, and so could I. One less thing to tell my mother. Aunt Flo was my friend.
When I was 17 and finally got a very reliable form of birth control, AF was an annoyance. I cursed the day that she arrived and lay curled up in a ball of crampy misery for days on end. I threw mini parties when she departed.
Now yesterday she came around and I felt..sad. I didn't realize how bad it could make me feel that the only reliable part of my life came as scheduled. I didn't realize how desperately I wanted her gone, how I'd been on my 2ww. I didn't even know that I was trying, just floating along on a "que sera, sera" feeling...until now. I don't want to see her for a while. I still want the rounded belly, the tender breasts, the remarkably feminine feeling. I just don't want her. I want a baby.
I feel more than a little silly writing this. Here is the only place that I'd ever admit it, even though my visits here are more out of boredom and daydreaming than anything, I now know that I'm fantasizing about being...you guys. The hoping each month. The DDC's. Staying awake half the night. I want it all.
I still feel sad, but free now that I'm able to get it out. Thanks for listening.
Body, I've been more than patient. Please make a baby. Please?
always loving my babies. (May 08)(April 09)(August 09)(September 09) (December 10)