I'm pregnant and single. How to cope with my ex dating someone else? - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 11 Old 02-09-2016, 07:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm pregnant and single. How to cope with my ex dating someone else?

I started dating my ex when I was 17. I'm now 20 & we officially broke up 3 months ago. He was my first boyfriend. My first and only love. We moved in together. We were engaged. We started trying for a kid when I was 19 (he's 3 and a half years older than me). We had unprotected sex for a year and nothing happened. We were trying and it never happened. Long story short, he's a terrible person. He abused my animals, he's hit me a few times. My entire family hates him. But I've always been madly in love with him. He started treating me very badly. Going out to strip clubs, getting drunk at bars every night. And he cheated on me. So I officially ended it with him even though it killed me. I found out a month after I broke it off that I was pregnant. He's now dating the girl he cheated on me with. He absolutely hates me now. I would literally cater to him - make him breakfast, pack his lunch, make him dinner, wash and fold his laundry. I would be laying in his bed waiting for him to get back from the strip club, even though it killed me. He shattered my entire world, and he doesn't care for me anymore. I told him I was pregnant and he tried convincing me to get an abortion. He said he'll never look at this kid like his own and that I'm only having this kid to ruin his life. The thing is - we had unprotected sex for a year. We had sex one time in November, the last time before we broke up, and that's what got me pregnant. I don't understand why it happened now. We were trying for a year, and the very last time it happens. I don't understand what God is trying to do here. Anyways, I can't abort this baby. I'm keeping it, but I'm so scared. I will always love my ex. I'm only 20 and 3 months pregnant now. My ex is with someone else and has been dating her for over a month now. I know he's a bad person, but I've always loved him. Now I'm pregnant with his baby and alone. There's not a doubt in my mind that I'm not keeping this baby... I guess I just need advice. It hurts that he doesn't even care that I'm pregnant, because at one point he wanted this. Now I'm going through this pregnancy alone.
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#2 of 11 Old 02-09-2016, 09:19 AM
 
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It's always your choice, but I want to put a few things out there. You have a chance to start fresh and clean,but you are clinging to this guy. Why? Because you still love the idea of him. The guy you knew before he turned mean and abusive. You will continue to cling to that guy, hoping against hope that he will return and this other monster who replaced him will go away. It won't happen. Ever. You are also likely thinking he will return to his senses after awhile, especially once you have the baby- dump this new woman (whom he is probably being like he was to you at first) and plead forgiveness, say he was just stupid and scared and made a huge mistake. Then you can all be the happy family you dream about and just know will happen if you wait it out and persevere. After all, you are going to be the mother of his child and he will see that and want to do the right thing and fall in love with this child.
The truth is that none of that will happen. The truth is that abusers don't change without serious long term help and a true desire to do so.
The truth is you are choosing a terrible, difficult life for yourself and your child. Abusers have been known to try to kill their pregnant girlfriends/exes. That probably won't happen, but it is a reality. Also, once you have the child, he will likely fight child support payment until you get a paternity test. Perhaps he doesn't. Then what? Are you going to feel comfortable with your child having this man as a role model? Boy or girl? He will likely teach a son to act this same way towards women and for a daughter to see that this is how women are treated. You and they will live with this for the rest of your life.
I'd suggest seeing an abuse counselor at the very least so that you can understand the cycle of abuse and remove yourself from it. It will be a long road emotionally and being a single parent is no joke. It's very, very difficult. It is even harder with an abusive partner.
You can see this as negative, but its just the reality of your situation. Sometimes reality sucks and is a tough pill to swallow. I was 20 once too.
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#3 of 11 Old 02-09-2016, 09:59 AM
 
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This guy is your first and only love, and he may always be your first, but he won't always be the only, and that's a good thing.

You're 20. You have your whole life ahead of you. What do you want to be in it? What steps should you take to get there?

Have you moved out of your old place, or has your ex? Having a safe place to live should be your first priority. Once you get there, settle in, and then look around for what's next.
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#4 of 11 Old 02-10-2016, 11:37 AM
 
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Babies are sometimes conceived in strange circumstances. I know someone who accidentally conceived with a partner she was ready to break up with, who was not, for a long time/ever, a good father or partner. But her daughter (older now) is a really beautiful, vibrant spirit. It can seem like some kids are determined to get to this earth!

I think it can help to ask, what in you caused you to become so attached to a toxic person? And really be introspective about it. That is something you can work with, because sometimes our minds/hearts are like puzzles that, to a certain extent, we can actually solve and improve. And that will both help heal your heart, and give you a lot of power back. While they're not perfect, self help books can be thought-provoking... ideal to get from the library, if you have access to one.

This experience has the potential to bring you a lot of strength and wisdom, I think.


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#5 of 11 Old 02-13-2016, 05:59 PM
 
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First off I want to say I totally get it 100%. My partner has bpd (borderline personality disorder.) Anyone who's ever known someone with this disorder knows how incredibly verbally abusive they can get. They can make you feel like dirt. I have chosen to stay with my partner/husband despite the fact that we sometimes have horrible fights and that he has explosive angry outbursts. He has never so much as threatened the children, so I don't really worry that he'll direct anger towards them and he doesn't hit me. He's just scary. I've been learning how to diffuse him and he's gone to counseling off and on. Anyways, that's besides the point. What I'm saying is I can completely understand loving an abusive person.

Sadly not all abusive people with anger issues want to change. Mine does, so I'm lucky. It's just a super slow process. This is especially do since he also has anxiety and ptsd. He literally can't function without me right now. I'm hoping that over time he'll gain more confidence and will feel more independent. I never plan to leave him unless of course he starts beating me or the kids, I won't tolerate that. I do have a safe place to go though if things ever got bad.

I hope you can find a way to move on. Hopefully you also have a safe place to stay. It's hard I know. Honestly if I were you I wouldn't bother to try for child support. It sounds like pressing for it could put you and your child at risk. I believe there's a way he can sign over his paternity rights. That way you don't have to worry over visitation and he won't pay child support. Cutting all ties is definitely safest.
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#6 of 11 Old 02-29-2016, 02:20 PM
 
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A long time ago, when I was your age (actually, even younger), my best friend had a baby under similar circumstances. It was very hard for her, and her child, to move on with a toxic dad floating in and out of the picture. I'm sad to say that these difficult times hurt the child emotionally, and continue to impact the child even though now grown. Please consider counseling, and get as much support as you can. You'll need to be a strong, stable parent if you keep the child.
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#7 of 11 Old 03-17-2016, 04:10 PM
 
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You don't have to keep the baby. But you also don't have to abort it. People are truly lining up to adopt babies. They give you binders of information and you get to hand pick the new parents. Your expenses are paid for as well. Something to consider.


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#8 of 11 Old 03-17-2016, 06:42 PM
 
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It seems like you've made up your mind to keep the baby. So I think you need to do everything you can to get this guy out of your life and create a stable happy place to raise your child. Hopefully you have a good support system of family and friends to help with the baby, lean on them as much as you can. Focus on finding a good job, being a single mom, you will need that. Don't push for child support, don't put his last name on the birth certificate, I would cut ties 100%. It seems hard now, but there really is a better guy out there for you. One that would never hit you or hurt you by cheating. You do not want this kind of man for your baby's father. Every time you think of getting back with him, think of him hitting your innocent baby. If he hits you, sooner or later he will hit your kid, that's just the way it is. Also, if you have any proof of abuse hold on to it, file it away, also keep any proof of him saying he wants nothing to do with the baby. He could change his mind down the road and try to gain custody. You do not want this, do everything you can to prevent it.
I wish you strength to build a happy life for you and your baby, just remember baby is your priority now, not this guy.
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#9 of 11 Old 03-22-2016, 06:23 PM
 
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I can totally feel you. My friend also went through the same trials you are going on now. It's just right that you keep the baby. Your ex might have just said that he won't care for the baby because of the frustrations and negativity on his part too. I am sure though that once he sees the baby (even in a picture), he will be developing a sense of pride that he now, actually already have a baby of his own. Just be encouraged, my dear and keep on fighting! God works all for our good. In the end, it will be worth it. Bests!
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#10 of 11 Old 03-24-2016, 11:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funfunkyfantastic View Post

I hope you can find a way to move on. Hopefully you also have a safe place to stay. It's hard I know. Honestly if I were you I wouldn't bother to try for child support. It sounds like pressing for it could put you and your child at risk. I believe there's a way he can sign over his paternity rights. That way you don't have to worry over visitation and he won't pay child support. Cutting all ties is definitely safest.
I agree with funfunkyfantastic you need a safe place to stay. I admire you for wanting to keep this baby. You are young and believe it or not your entire life is ahead of you. There will be better, more deserving men in your future who will love you and your child. What you need to do right now it take care of yourself, take care of your child and get counseling. Figure out what you want from life. Maybe you can go back to school, change careers, etc.. There are people and organizations out there who can help you. It won't be easy, but you can do this. It's amazing what people can do when they set their mind to it. Forget about this guy and cut ties. Find a supportive environment for yourself and do not return to ANY abusive environments! There are organizations like Maggies Place and other Pro-Life Organizations that can help you.


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#11 of 11 Old 03-27-2016, 04:49 PM
 
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I know this hurts like hell to hear, but this guy doesn't really sound like someone you would want in your child's life. Even if he was in their life, he would only likely teach your child to be mean and abusive jsut like he is and that is not any way for a child to live. I have never been in your situation, but my sister was once in a horrible relationship that sounds very similar to what you experienced. I think you should take the remainder of your pregnancy to weigh the pros and cons of having him back in your life if ever he tried to come crawling back. From the sounds of it, he won't keep the girl he is with for long and very well may come back to you begging for forgiveness. DON'T LET HIM GUILT TRIP YOU!!! I know what it is like to love someone who is not good for you.
You should talk to your friends and get them to help you during this time because you are going to need them. They will always be there, not to hurt you but to help you. See if they will help you to break away from this guy and your love for who he once was. I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever need a person to talk to for support my email is beadyful.girl{@}gmail.com .
I really hope you will make the right choice for you and your baby <3
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