Ever feel like yelling, "Help I am pregnant!"? - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 5 Old 10-17-2003, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Folks,

Have you dealt with feeling ambivalent or even freaked out about pregnancy at the beginning?

Did your significant other freak out?

How did you help your significant other to cope?

Was the timing of your pregnancy (ie: in debt, only part way through education, broke, etc.) less than optimum?

Did you have a mix of opinions thrown at you about what you "should" do, while coping with hormonal changes?

How did that feel?

How did you cope with that?

How did you work things out?

Please share about these things....(actually there is someone I know, who in this situation, and I have encouraged her to come here to find some support).

Even if she doesn't come, I would love to hear how you all responded, coped and dealt with the news of unplanned and perhaps challengingly-timed pregnancy.

And perhaps there will be someone else who will find support from this thread...who knows?

Thanks all so much for your kind sharing...Joyce in the mts.

CD Labor/Postpartum (MSTM), Doula trainer (BAI), Midwifery Student/Apprentice, CPS Tech
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#2 of 5 Old 10-17-2003, 05:16 PM
 
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Well, I was definately not ttc this time, and was in denial at first (Dh had to talk me into getting a hpt). I am not done with my degree and had planned on going to school for the spring semester, Dh is still in school for a few more years, we are in major debt and totally broke. So no, this was not the optimal time for me to be preg. That said though, after I "officially" found out I was preg., I just decided to go with the flow. I am happy, and I can't wait for our little one to arrive. I am trying not to stress about finances, or our complete lack there of. I just keep reminding myself that everything will work out all right, it always does even if it is at the last minute or in a completely unexpected way.
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#3 of 5 Old 10-18-2003, 01:26 AM
 
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This is an unplanned pregnancy. My dh still has another year of school left and is both going to school and working a full time minimum wage job. I was a bit freaked out at first. Ok, alot. But things really are pretty wonderful now.
My main problem in coming to terms with this pregnancy was that i had had high expectations for my next pregnancy. We have moved twice across country since my last dd was born and before the first move I got rid of all the newborn and maternity clothes. We were moving only in our car so we needed space. I was thinking I wouldn't be pregnant again until dd was 2 or three. I was planning to get pregnant when dh was finished with school and in a "real" job. I was going to buy all the cute maternity clothes they are making now and a wonderful matching layette for baby the best highest class diapers. Massages every month, a maid for the week after birth. The works. I was a little crushed when I found out I was pregnant. My dreams of my next pregnancy kind of fluttered away. It was hard to cope.
But I am thrilled as can be now. This pregnancy has helped me to be more intuitive and less materialistic. I felt this spirit from the moment I was pregnant, stronger than my first two babies. I was scared of miscarriage at the begining because I had such a strong connection. In spite of the strong connection I just wished it could have waited another year or so. I felt that way for a month or two, but as the pregnancy sunk in and I started to realize that we don't need fancy trappings to love this baby I just fell in love with the idea. I am thrilled to death to be making our family a family of five. The timing wasn't mine but it was perfect.
I can't give any advice about helping a dh to cope because my dh is the calmest most non alarmist person in the world. He is like my polar opposite. I was worried about how he would feel. I took the test and came out of the bathroom and told him. He seemed ok and happy with things. I got online to freak out on the message boards and he went to lay down with the girls for a nap. I went in there when I was done to talk with him. I was concerned about his feelings. I said "Hi whatcha doing?" He said " Just thinking of baby names." That touched my heart so deeply. The fact that he adjusted and embraced the pregnancy so quickly helped me to embrace it to.
Anyway, good luck to your friend. She is not alone. We are dirt poor and hectic and crazy but there is more love in this house than we can measure and we are fulfilled.
Beth
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#4 of 5 Old 10-18-2003, 01:04 PM
 
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Joyce, thanks for asking these questions as it helps me to see other mamas going through the same things I am at this time.

First off, I did not want to be pregnant at the beginning. DH and I actually went to Planned Parenthood to do the RU486 abortion. I couldn't do it and DH said if I couldn't, then we won't.

The timing of this pg is rotten, we didn't want a fifth child, can hardly support the four we have. We are in debt (bad debt, too!) over our heads and seem to be getting deeper. We are finally getting a handle on our finances (such as they are) and I am in the middle of prerequisites for nursing school.

We haven't told my parents as they own the house we live in and are being quite kind about helping us. I know they won't throw us out on the street, but I would like to skip all the BS about how irresponsible we are, etc etc because that doesn't change what is.

What is is we are pg with a child that will be (and is) as precious to us as the ones we have living outside the womb. We are looking forward to meeting this chance stranger and getting to know him/her. I am excitedly anticipating the day I hold this babe in my arms because I know that will be the last newborn that is mine that I will hold because this is it. There will be no more children. That is okay with me. It gives me some closure that I didn't have before. Knowing this is the last one allows me to "put this part of my life behind me" and remember it with true affection and love.

I just hope my parents can deal with it. I'm sure they will, but I wonder how.
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#5 of 5 Old 10-18-2003, 03:33 PM
 
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OH, boy, did this ever bring up "stuff". With our first, ttc was the furthest thing from our minds. We actually did not want kids (a mutual decision when we first started dating) at all, ever. We used protection and were utterly shocked to find out we were pg with our first when it happened. I was very angry for most of the first half of my pg. I resented dh for getting me pg (du-uhhhh, it does take 2 to tango....). I had even briefly considered abortion but since I consider that murder, it was but a fleeting escapist sort of thought and nothing I could have ever gone through with.

So, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm never given more than I can handle and that things happen for a reason and I needed to step up to this new challenge in my life. Sometimes when I look at my 4 yo, the beauty and purity and innocence in him, it really brings me to my knees and gives me a real 'shame on you' feeling for ever thinking I didn't want him in the early months of that pg. If anything, having him brought dh and I closer together as a unit, working to have each others' backs so to speak. Pushing each other to do better, get better jobs, do more, become more actualized. It was truly a blessing in disguise, and one I couldn't see the rationale behind for many years. I'm still learning about the mysteries and beauty of bringing people into this world. It is something I wish all women would experience. It is such an empowering thing-to incubate life, coddle and feed and nurture a baby, and then watch them grow up into a person, complete with their own personalities.

About coping and all that-both the mama and her SO need to be there for each other for support and love and encouragement. Let's face it too-unless you're independently wealthy, you'll never have enough money. Kids are expensive, but you don't have to go in debt over them!! Things can be purchased cheaply and wisely and bf'ing is the cheapest baby food out there. Sometimes the timing seems wrong too, and that is so hard to deal with, but I strongly believe that if everyone waited to have babies until they thought they were ready by all accounts, well then, we would have died out as a species long long ago.

Ok, that's enough rambling. I hope your friend sees that her feelings are quite normal and she isn't alone. Making people is a scary and daunting journey that'll leave you feeling so helpless, vulnerable and out of control, BUT it's also a rewarding journey that allows for growth and more love than you could ever imagine you could muster. It'll make you stronger and you will grow, and best yet-you will be loved unconditionally by the baby you give life to. That's just pure bliss to me.
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