I am sitting with my five week old Ella sleeping in her sling on my chest. I am finally starting to feel like a mother and like myself since she has been born.
I had an unplanned C-Section on May 19th which brought my sweet baby into the world. I had an amazing unmedicated labor and I went from 5-10 cm in like 2 hours. I felt so strong and good as I worked through my contractions. However my sweet baby was Occiput posterior position which was not allowing for her decent. Additionally, she was holding onto her cord which was making her heart rate drop. Quickly I was having more interventions than I had wanted, mainly for the welfare of my baby. They needed to use an internal fetal monitor to closely track her heart rate as I pushed. Ultimately, I pushed for 4 hours and then needed to have an epidural to try and rest and see if my uterus would slip her under my pelvic bone without my pushing. I still had to breath thru my contractions after the epidural in order to not push. After 2 hours of that, she still hadn't moved, and I knew that we were going to have to have a c-section. I felt so conflicted because I, obviously, wanted what was best for my child but I was so scared of the unknown of what this birth would be like.
My husband was great, the MD's and my midwife were fantastic. I really felt like everyone did their best to try and avoid surgery. I just had no idea what I was in for with my emotions and recovery.
Baby and I had an extremely difficult start to breastfeeding. She was amazingly strong for a csection baby. when they put her on my chest, she lifted her head up! She was hungry and ready to nurse and I was just so weak to try and hold this strong little woman! By the time I left the hospital four days later my nipples were brused, cracked, and bloodied. I cried every time I had to nurse her because I hurt soooooo very much
. Thankfully, my husband is amazing and was very supportive and helpful . He had to go back to work almost immediately and I felt like a complete basket case. I found it so hard and overwhelming to care for my so very loved and wanted baby when I felt like I needed someone to care for me. I felt guilty for feeling so selfish, but in retrospect (the short amount of it I have) it is damn near impossible to exclusively care for a newborn when you are expirencing so much pain yourself...not only from the scar tissue but from the poor latching as well.
Anyway, I never felt like I failed per se...I was disapointed because I really hadn't considered that i would end up with a surgical birth. Im not sure why i was so sure, but I was. As a new birth doula I KNEW better than to set myself up that way, but I really didn't think it would happen.
In addition, I am scared that I will not be able to have a vbac if I want one becasue my baby was only 7lbs 5oz. I know that it has more to do with the positioning and her cord issues but I just felt like I got so far into labor, I am just scared to do all of that hard work again with hours of pushing and end up in the same boat.
Anyway I am sort of ranting, but I am just not really physically or mentally healed from the experience yet. I am feeling much much much more attached to my baby now, and I am proud to report that breastfeeding is going much better now as well. I just still wish things had gone differently.
I would like to know when I am going to feel physically better and when my pouchy stomach will start to go down!
Thanks for allowing the space for me to rant!