Children's belongings and other and general vent - Mothering Forums

 
Thread Tools
#1 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 09:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
Roxanne600's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 27
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So my stbx is claiming that he has the right to keep half the children's things for when they spend the weekend with him.

I KNOW that he doesn't, but he is being difficult and insisting he keeps half the furniture, etc.

He's also insisting that the kids and I move out either this month or next month. We haven't even filed yet, because I'm using Legal Aid and I have to wait until my case is assigned to a lawyer. I'm pretty sure the kids and I have the right to stay in the house until the divorce is finalized, but he keeps pressing the issue.

But the real doozie here is that he is insisting that HE takes our son. Our first son, whom we lost and had cremated. He's insisting that he gets to keep the urn with the ashes. He didn't even care that we lost him, so I know he's just doing it to spite me.

Rox, HAPPY homeschooling AP single mama to the three joys in my life, DD (6), DD (4), and DS (2 months), and birth and postpartum doula.
Roxanne600 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 10:57 AM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,488
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i had to go look at your other thread for a little back story - you guys are getting divorced because he had an affair, and he still thinks he gets to call the shots? he's trying to kick you and the kids out of your home? no way! move out when you can, when you're ready, for your own sanity, but imo he's the one who should leave (unless you already have decided that he will keep that home long-term and you are going to live somewhere else). the court will decide who gets what belongings, but imo if you are going to have custody, then yeah, the children get to take their things with them, and he provides stuff for his own home. as a child, i would always pack a suitcase and bring my own clothes when visiting my dad (and take them back home to my mom's with me when the visit was over), but it was up to him to get a bed and toys and all that.

i'm sorry you have to fight over who gets the urn with your firstborn's ashes. that's terrible.
doubledutch is offline  
#3 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 11:06 AM
 
simplemama32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 402
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Oh, mama, that last part is so horrible of him. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Your stbx is the guy that had an affair with his pregnant wife's best friend, right? And now he's insisting his wife and kids (including a newborn) vacate the premises within a couple months? Nice. Why isn't he leaving? Was the house purchased with marital money?

As far as chidren's belongings... When I took DS and left my stbx, I didn't take a lot, but I did quietly gather a few favorite toys, books, clothes, keepsakes, etc. and load them up in my car while he was gone one day. I tried to leave items that I knew he, his mom or some other family member of his had purchased. I don't think he's even aware of maybe 95% of the stuff that's gone.

Mama to DS (7)
simplemama32 is offline  
 
#4 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
Roxanne600's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 27
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
He has been living with his parent's since December. He's getting the house in the divorce (no way I can afford it), but we had agreed to keep the kids in the house for as long as possible, or until the divorce is finalized.

I think he wants us out ASAP because his girlfriend (my ex-best friend) has been living with him at his parents and they probably want their own space.

I told him I'm not negotiating with the children's belongings, or with our son.

For the record, I don't think he can afford the house, either. After child support, bills, gas and groceries, he'll have $93/month to live on. But he insists that he gets the house and any profit he makes from it if he sells it.

Rox, HAPPY homeschooling AP single mama to the three joys in my life, DD (6), DD (4), and DS (2 months), and birth and postpartum doula.
Roxanne600 is offline  
#5 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 12:08 PM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,488
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well you'd be entitled to half the equity in the house.
doubledutch is offline  
#6 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 12:14 PM
 
simplemama32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 402
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I don't know your entire situation, but in most cases that last part is *not* true. You were married, the house is marital property, then you split the profit. Now, you may end up negotiating who gets what and how much, but he does not get to walk away with everything. And if he wants to keep the house, he needs to buy you out.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? I'm not able to tell if you are just starting the divorce proceedings, or are well under way.

Mama to DS (7)
simplemama32 is offline  
#7 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 12:15 PM
 
hillymum's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Louisville, Ky
Posts: 4,186
Mentioned: 7 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 166 Post(s)
I am so sorry! I swear men are all asses! Especially when we make the break away from them. he is just being spitful and no judge will let him get away with his requests. Hugs to you and your children.

Missing the old MDC!!
Remember when there would be 20 new comments a minute in TAO?
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
hillymum is offline  
#8 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 01:33 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 17,896
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Honestly in your shoes I would pack up the kids and everything I wanted to take with me and move out. you do not need his permission to take anything. he has left the home and left the kids and left the stuff. its yours. have a rummage sale if you want. You are still married right? not even separated. you don't need his permission for anything. heck sell it all and use the money to file for a divorce or to get your own place, put the house on the market. until someone files officially you are just a justifiably cranky wife and there is nothing illegal about that.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#9 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 01:43 PM
 
hillymum's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Louisville, Ky
Posts: 4,186
Mentioned: 7 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 166 Post(s)
Please do not do as pp said! You really need to behave so no judge will look down on you and think badly of you! You need to stay cleaner than clean! Everything in your home has to remain as is, especially if he or you take out a status quo order!

Just daydream about .................................

Missing the old MDC!!
Remember when there would be 20 new comments a minute in TAO?
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
hillymum is offline  
#10 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 02:34 PM
 
MissLotus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,101
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
It sounds like you haven't seen a lawyer yet, so please do not take this guy seriously. So many of them blather on like that, making threats as if they're facts - but he's full of it. It doesn't matter what he's insisting on. He can't insist that you move out. I know you're waiting for Legal Aid, but meanwhile you can have a consultation (some are free or low cost, for a 1/2 hour consultation... just ask) with any lawyer that does Family Law, just to get a sense of what's reasonable and what you're entitled to. Knowledge is power!

I'm most sorry to hear he's being so awful regarding your first child. Since he is being so disrespectful, I would certainly put the urn in a safe place where he can't get to it (away from the house), and let him bring it up in court later if he wants to. That is certainly nothing for him to manipulate you with, but it's amazing how low some of these guys will stoop. Just do as you think best regarding that, because you have every right.
MissLotus is offline  
#11 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 02:51 PM
 
papayapetunia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SE Portland, OR
Posts: 5,005
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Definitely see a lawyer about your rights! You may be able to get an order that he pays your attorney's fees.
papayapetunia is offline  
#12 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
Roxanne600's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 27
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That's interesting about him having to buy me out...

The reason I don't want the house is because not only could I not afford it, but it has dropped in value so we are in the hole. Our mortgage was for 160,000. He took out another 8,000 at some point without my knowledge so now it's at 168,000. I had a realtor friend come by and she said that she would put it on the market for 150,000 at the most.

My name is not on the mortgage, or the deed. I would rather walk away without that debt.

He doesn't realize how much the house has dropped in value. So when he came to me and said he wanted the house, I said yes, if I got this year's tax return. I used it to buy my own reliable vehicle (up to that point we had only one car that was a POS and I didn't feel safe driving around in it).

I told him that legally, I have a right to stay in the house. And that the children's belongings stay with me. But I'm thinking I might move out early just so I can get my own space away from him. He has a key to the house, so he walks in whenever he wants. The other day, he came over to made himself some pasta and sauce. He got angry when I said the girls things were coming with me, and threw a spoon covered in hot pasta sauce and it splashed everywhere, and some of it landed on our baby, who started screaming. At this point I am thinking I might just say fine, I'll move out now if you let me have such and such items, then I get to keep them and get into my "own" space.

Rox, HAPPY homeschooling AP single mama to the three joys in my life, DD (6), DD (4), and DS (2 months), and birth and postpartum doula.
Roxanne600 is offline  
#13 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 03:37 PM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,488
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
don't bargain with him about what you take with you, or even let him know that you're moving. just pack what you want and move. then say, "the house is yours." done!
doubledutch is offline  
#14 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 03:37 PM
 
simplemama32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 402
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Hmm...in that case, I don't know. STBX and I are kind of in a similar situation. I can't afford the house/land on my own...he wanted it, but couldn't afford to refinance and buy me out, so we're selling it. We expect to barely break even on the house, but luckily there should be some decent equity in the land.

Honestly, if he is acting like such a UAV and walking in unannounced whenever he pleases, and if it were me, I'd pack up the kids and take an extended visit to family (if that's a possibility...?). Do you have any idea how long the Legal Aid will take? Can you go ahead and file while you wait, and maybe get a temporary/short-term separation agreement in place? I'm not at all familiar with how legal aid works, so I'm just throwing that out there.

ETA: and document everything, like that pasta incident.

Mama to DS (7)
simplemama32 is offline  
#15 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 04:20 PM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,488
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
you are also within your rights to change the locks.
doubledutch is offline  
#16 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 05:02 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 17,896
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I was under the impression this was not in court yet, no papers have been filed etc. that means this is her house and her stuff . Until I filed divorce papers I was well within my rights to do what I wished with my property. it was not his and mine. it was not part of divorce proceedings. If he was not home to help me out I was free to do what I wanted. we were still 100% married (even though he was shacking up with his girlfriend) though and that was important. I cleaned out bank accounts and stocked up on stuff he would not want. I sold off some possessions on Ebay. I put my lawyers retainer on our credit card (which he ended up getting stuck with in the divorce). Once I filed though everything was on lock down. I could not buy or sell or move or distribute possessions in any way. One of the reasons I made sure to have things in place BEFORE I filed.

I think it is fine to let him have the house clear and free. Be sure that if you walk away though you are not stuck with any incurred debt on the house (taxes, closing cost, bad credit etc). I let my xh have our business free and clear. probably got screwed but I just did not want to deal with him on it.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#17 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 05:20 PM
 
single_cj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 48
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OMG, change the locks, woman! He had an affair & moved out, effectively abandoning you & his claim to the property, for now at least. Let him have the house (with the new keys) WHEN the divorce is finalized.

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry about the last part; what a monster to even go there.
single_cj is offline  
#18 of 27 Old 08-13-2010, 05:40 PM
 
blessedwithboys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,953
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 123 Post(s)
Put your baby's urn in a safe place, either with a trustworthy friend (if such a thing even exists!) or in storage. You can get a tiny storage locker for $12/mo where I live. Don't mess with a safe deposit box in a bank.

Sell anything in the house that you don't want. Take the stuff you do want and put them somewhere safe. If you can sell of a few things for cash, you can better afford a bigger storage unit for everything you want to keep away from him.

Don't leave the house unless and until you have somewhere safe to go with your kiddos. You don't want to end up homeless when it's time to go to court. You can also file an emergency Motion for Exclusive Use of the Residence, to keep him out of the house.

If you move elsewhere, and he moves back in the house, it's better for you not to have your kids beds and stuff in there, because that would put it more on you to get new stuff for your place. If you already have it in storage and get an apartment or something, and there is no stuff in the house, he will have no choice but to replace the items you took.

This isn't legal advice, just what I would do if I were you...well, I kind of was once. GL!

Bring back the old MDC
blessedwithboys is offline  
#19 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 10:16 AM
 
Goodmom2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 728
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
First of all, your stbx can want you to move out in a certain time frame, you don't have to without a court order.

Whatever you do, don't move out without a court order addressing custody and support in place.
Goodmom2008 is offline  
#20 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 10:19 AM
 
Goodmom2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 728
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post
Please do not do as pp said! You really need to behave so no judge will look down on you and think badly of you! You need to stay cleaner than clean! Everything in your home has to remain as is, especially if he or you take out a status quo order!

Just daydream about .................................

She's got the kids, it's not going to hurt her if she takes all of the kids' stuff. It's the rest of the stuff that aren't just the kids that would cause a problem.
Goodmom2008 is offline  
#21 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 10:22 AM
 
Goodmom2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 728
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxanne600 View Post
That's interesting about him having to buy me out...

The reason I don't want the house is because not only could I not afford it, but it has dropped in value so we are in the hole. Our mortgage was for 160,000. He took out another 8,000 at some point without my knowledge so now it's at 168,000. I had a realtor friend come by and she said that she would put it on the market for 150,000 at the most.

My name is not on the mortgage, or the deed. I would rather walk away without that debt.

He doesn't realize how much the house has dropped in value. So when he came to me and said he wanted the house, I said yes, if I got this year's tax return. I used it to buy my own reliable vehicle (up to that point we had only one car that was a POS and I didn't feel safe driving around in it).

I told him that legally, I have a right to stay in the house. And that the children's belongings stay with me. But I'm thinking I might move out early just so I can get my own space away from him. He has a key to the house, so he walks in whenever he wants. The other day, he came over to made himself some pasta and sauce. He got angry when I said the girls things were coming with me, and threw a spoon covered in hot pasta sauce and it splashed everywhere, and some of it landed on our baby, who started screaming. At this point I am thinking I might just say fine, I'll move out now if you let me have such and such items, then I get to keep them and get into my "own" space.

Call the cops the next time he gets violent (throwing a spoon is violent) and have him removed from the home. You may or may not get a restraining order, but you will have made a point to your stbx that he can't behave in the manner without consequences.
Goodmom2008 is offline  
#22 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 10:24 AM
 
Goodmom2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 728
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post
you are also within your rights to change the locks.
And in the abscence of a court order granting her exclusive use of the marital home, he would be within his rights to either call the cops to be allowed in (and they would assist him in this) or break in.

It's not as simple as changing the locks.
Goodmom2008 is offline  
#23 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 12:39 PM
 
chatsalot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 18
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
any amount of mortgage paid on the house with martial money you are entitled to, if he sells the home you will also be entitled to it. i cannot imagine a judge kicking you and a newborn out of the house. as for rights to the home when you get an attorney and make your plan to leave. Also ask that you be provided living expenses. GL
chatsalot is offline  
#24 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 02:50 PM
 
homewithtwinsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,109
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post
don't bargain with him about what you take with you, or even let him know that you're moving. just pack what you want and move. then say, "the house is yours." done!
This is absolutely what you should do, and I hope you took pictures of any red marks/burns from that sauce. Stop talking to him. Take the urn and the things you need to care for your kids and get out. Make sure you file legal separation so that any debt or stupid payment/non-payment issues don't kill your credit.
homewithtwinsmama is offline  
#25 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 06:19 PM
 
hillymum's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Louisville, Ky
Posts: 4,186
Mentioned: 7 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 166 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxanne600 View Post
That's interesting about him having to buy me out...

The reason I don't want the house is because not only could I not afford it, but it has dropped in value so we are in the hole. Our mortgage was for 160,000. He took out another 8,000 at some point without my knowledge so now it's at 168,000. I had a realtor friend come by and she said that she would put it on the market for 150,000 at the most.

My name is not on the mortgage, or the deed. I would rather walk away without that debt.

He doesn't realize how much the house has dropped in value. So when he came to me and said he wanted the house, I said yes, if I got this year's tax return. I used it to buy my own reliable vehicle (up to that point we had only one car that was a POS and I didn't feel safe driving around in it).

I told him that legally, I have a right to stay in the house. And that the children's belongings stay with me. But I'm thinking I might move out early just so I can get my own space away from him. He has a key to the house, so he walks in whenever he wants. The other day, he came over to made himself some pasta and sauce. He got angry when I said the girls things were coming with me, and threw a spoon covered in hot pasta sauce and it splashed everywhere, and some of it landed on our baby, who started screaming. At this point I am thinking I might just say fine, I'll move out now if you let me have such and such items, then I get to keep them and get into my "own" space.
If he does something like this again, call the police, file a domestic violence report and then petition the court for a restraining order and sole posession of the house. If he actually causes aby kind of physical harm to you or your chilod then head straight to the court house and file for an emergency protective order which will keep him away from you.

Missing the old MDC!!
Remember when there would be 20 new comments a minute in TAO?
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
hillymum is offline  
#26 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
Roxanne600's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 27
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I am so thankful this forum is here.

I'm just so overwhelmed. I'm hoping my case gets re-assigned quickly, before anything worse happens.

This week he took all the money out of our account and left me $50 to live on. I told him groceries alone cost $100! He ended up leaving me with $150.

I'm so overwhelmed. My baby has colic and screams at me constantly, day after day. My hair is falling out in clumps, I'm loosing weight way too fast and I think its affecting my milk supply. I keep snapping at my girls.

I just want this over with. As soon as I get a lawyer and file, I think I am just going to take everything I want and move out. I can't take it anymore.

Rox, HAPPY homeschooling AP single mama to the three joys in my life, DD (6), DD (4), and DS (2 months), and birth and postpartum doula.
Roxanne600 is offline  
#27 of 27 Old 08-14-2010, 11:39 PM
 
vannienicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,051
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think that is considered abandonment. Head up to DHS for help with food stuffs.
vannienicole is offline  
Reply


User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 1,739

10 members and 1,729 guests
Arishaa , barnetta , fljen , Hyacinthe , IceFlake , KerriB , lauritagoddess , omarinbox1888 , pooeils , Realdeal
Most users ever online was 21,860, 06-22-2018 at 08:45 PM.