Recently separated, and so far so good - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 09-21-2010, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi beautiful people,
I've been away from MDC long enough I forgot my username. Oh dear. New need, new account.

My daughter's four going on thirteen, and the same week she started public school her father moved out of our family home (at my request). So far so good - she prefers to have us one on one, the wasband and I are getting along well enough (now that his new girlfriend and I are avoiding each other), and I'm recently re-committed to a man I've loved very much since before meeting my daughter's father. (Details, and a photo of the hot boyfriend, are on my blog.

Reading down the list a bit here I suspect I'm in a less desperate need of support than some of you. I'm grateful to not need to end my marriage due to abuse or deceit. We just didn't fit - the wasband and I worked our asses off to try to give each other what we needed, and along the way developed a deep affection and great communication skills, but we were always better friends than partners. We wanted to live very different lives. Neither one of us found our marriage satisfying. I'm also grateful that I had the courage to end what we started before we were lying, cheating, and growing bitter.

The challenges I face are mostly due to the fact that we started young - we were the first in our friend group to have a kid, get married, and, now, to separate. The women I know who've divorced their kids' fathers all did so before I befriended them. Now none of my friends really know or understand what I'm going through. My best friend moved recently and started to work full time. My lover/partner is living in Australia (and I have no internet connection at home). Most of my cherished friends are spread around the world - I'm lacking support from women who KNOW the complex multi layered frustrations of ending a marriage.

So, how do you manage to:

Let yourself act a little hysterical on occasion, because times like these call for drama, without alienating your friends, giving your ex reason to hate and avoid dealing with you, and generally embarrassing yourself?

Avoid saying harsh things about your ex with your kid(s) in hearing range, particularly when you've been holding in your frustration for SO LONG and finally have a friend to vent with?

Not post the truth all over the intenet when people refer to him as a "good father" and a "kind person"?

Deal with the surprisingly intense hurt of loosing your best friend? I'm totally good with not having him as a husband... but, as things weren't awful until that brief period after he left and his new girlfriend convinced him I was dangerously manipulative... I miss his company. I miss the things we did together after our daughter was asleep. I miss having someone to talk about my day with. I miss that was really good at making bacon and eggs. These bits are certainly a fair trade for getting rid of the passive aggressiveness, frustration at pretending to be satisfying, frequent pressure to have sex with someone who only wanted to take and not give, and the constant effort to pretend his jokes were funny. Yet, I miss him.

I read that when women are on hormonal birth control, and, as a result are not ovulating, they tend to go for gentler, more feminine men. We settle down with and often marry these guys, then stop taking the pills... have a few kids... and wake up fertile one morning to realize what we really want now is the hunky guy. Our bodies, working the way they're designed to work, want the masculine provider type rather than the best friend sensitive type. Sound familiar?
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#2 of 2 Old 09-21-2010, 05:15 PM
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hmmm. . . .what i have read is that hormonal birth control interferes with sense of smell, and so causing us to choose mates that we are often not histocompatible with. that per the scientific american website- but it was rather a reductive article. certainly i chose far too macho men when on bc. but i am a sample of one.

as for the rest, i'm too new at this to answer your questions.
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