Anyone else with NO involvement at all from your child's bio dad? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 04:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like to see if any other single moms on here have no contact with their child's biological father? I feel like the only one. In some ways it makes things much easier im sure, but in other ways it's difficult. Has its own set of issues basically, and it would be nice to chat to someone else in this situation. Anyone?

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#2 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 06:49 AM
 
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I don't. I see him around town but we rarely talk or even acknowlege each other. I just don't care anymore that he isn't involved. Instead of looking to him for support I just look elsewhere. My friends help with babysitting and my therapist helps with the emotional. I have to fill the financial void by working even harder but at least I don't have to deal with alot of the intense co-parenting struggles I know that could happen with him. What kind of support are you looking for?

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#3 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 07:51 AM
 
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My XH hasn't seen my DD since May of last year. I surmise that he will eventually fade out of the picture completely (he still sends harassing emails once in a while), especially once his current girlfriend gets pregnant. 

 

I organize my life according to his absence, and I prefer it this way. Granted, when he was involved, he saw DD one night a week for a few hours and one Sunday afternoon for a few hours. Those times required me to travel to his house, drop off DD with all supplies needed, such as diapers, wipes, change of clothing, food,...then wait for him to have his time with her and then pick her up again. It was quite labour intensive. He never once volunteered to come pick her up himself.

 

So, in a very real way, it's a lot easier for me to just parent DD myself. Also, we currently live with my parents so I have some excellent family support. I sometimes find it hard to get things done, like studying, or get some time to do my own activities, but I try to remind myself that DD won't be a toddler forever and that soon enough *I'll* be the one running after her for some quality time.

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#4 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 07:56 AM
 
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We havent seen nor heard from my ex sense ds was 15months old (he is 3.5 now).  I dont even know if he knows we are divorced!  I have full custody and didnt ask for child support (no way he would pay it and I dont want to chase him for it).  To me, it seems a lot easier not to have to deal with him.  I'm lucky because I have family that helps me a lot. 

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#5 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 09:09 AM
 
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My ex isn't quite as 'gone' as all of yours.  I didn't see him from August - January (although I did get emails from him), he came to see ds twice in January and I haven't seen him (or heard from him) in almost a month.  It makes me sad for my ds.  I wish that he had an involved father.  And I feel like it puts a lot of pressure on me to 'make up for it'.  Plus it is exhausting to not have at least eow off (although I am starting to send ds to my moms for overnights so I can have a break). 


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#6 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 09:38 AM
 
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DS is 10 and his father has been 'unavailable' for the better part of 5 years.  He still has 5 plus years left on his prison sentence.  I used to allow phone calls but those became too upsetting for DS and DS would beg for visits, visits at the state hopsital (where mr wonderful is serving his sentence) became too upsetting for both of us, after the holidays I stopped all communication, phone calls, letters etc.

 

Trust me, its so much better this way.  When I would allow the visits we had to schedule them a month in advance, they were for an hour, it just wasn't worth it. 

 

No contact has allowed us to live stress free for the past few months in this area and I've seen a notable change in DS.  I don't myself allowing visits or contact anytime soon. 

 

If I can get myself together I would love to leave this state and relocate somewhere far from here and start over.

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#7 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 12:33 PM
 
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The father of my baby contacted me once (in the middle of the night) to ask if the baby had been born and then got made b/c I hadn't told him, we talked the next day and he pretty much threatened to kidnap my son so I changed my number and stopped all contact with him. He doesn't even know if the baby is a boy or his name or anything. I'm totally ok with this. I know being a single mama will be hard at times and there will be difficult questions from my son later on, but it's better this way. I don't have any family support at all so I made a huge effort to have a good circle of friends who will help me when I need help.
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#8 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 07:08 PM
 
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We don't have zero contact with ds's bio father, but it's pretty close to zero.

 

he lives 800 miles away.  I have 100% custody, and his visitation, if he took it, is supervised only.  He hasn't seen ds since 2008, and that was cos I took ds to see his grandparents for 5 days, and he happened to be around.

 

He calls 2 times a year, maybe.  5 minute phone calls tops.  And those calls are in December and January- xmas and ds's birthday.  So the other 10 months of the year, nothing.

 

Every couple years, he'll tell ds that he is going to start calling every week.  It never happens.  

 

I really don't even think about him.


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also caregiver to many other creatures...
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#9 of 20 Old 02-28-2011, 07:24 PM
 
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My oldest is 15 and her biodad  is non existant.  I really don't even like to call him that because he simply isn't there.  I receive child support for her, that's it.  When she was born, my mom called him and he did show up at the hospital to see her.  With another girl.  Who he later married.  Then, when she was two, he decided he wanted to meet her and in the spirit of never giving him the opportunity to say I kept her from him, I agreed, we met up, he played with her for a bit, his parents met her, it was really awkward, the end.  Nothing since.

 

For the most part, it's been a non issue.  When I got married, she decided to call DH Dad.  And, he is Dad.  As she has grown, she's had questions, I have answered them to the best of my ability.  As a teen girl, her more emotional times of the month can result in her crying that she wants to meet him, or crying that she wants DH to adopt her (which is what we want, but cost is a factor, a BIG one.)  But, for the most part, DH is Dad, and she just happens to have a different last name, just like so many other kids nowadays.

 

 

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#10 of 20 Old 03-01-2011, 05:35 AM
 
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my DS had seen his bio maybe 6 times since he was 11 wks old. i am now engaged to a wonderful loving caring guy who my son has chosen to call dad of his own free will ( he is almost 15) i look forward to the day we get married and become a family in name as we are family in every other way now. it makes my heart so happy to hear my son say DAD and know the man who is called dad is DAD
we will allow visit if at anytime we are asked but they will always be supervised.
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#11 of 20 Old 03-01-2011, 08:24 PM
 
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No involvement for 4 years, the reason?? He never knew I got pregnant, much less about DD's existance and now he found out about DD and wants contact. Do I want to?? Hell no I'm I stopping him? No, I cant.

 

I made a thread about it in personal growth.

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#12 of 20 Old 03-01-2011, 10:16 PM
 
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dd is 4.5, her donordad has never seen her or even asked.. The hardest part is financially - I don't get Child Support so finances are tight.


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#13 of 20 Old 03-02-2011, 06:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by frugalmama View Post

dd is 4.5, her donordad has never seen her or even asked.. The hardest part is financially - I don't get Child Support so finances are tight.


So he was a nice man who donated sperm to you so you could make a baby? That's what a donordad is.
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#14 of 20 Old 03-02-2011, 06:38 AM
 
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frugalmama View Post

dd is 4.5, her donordad has never seen her or even asked.. The hardest part is financially - I don't get Child Support so finances are tight.




So he was a nice man who donated sperm to you so you could make a baby? That's what a donordad is.


Basically yes.


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#15 of 20 Old 03-02-2011, 02:46 PM
 
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I haven't seen ds dad sense he was conceived we exchanged one email sense when o was still pregnant I like it and really love being a single mom in fact trying for number two with a " planed donor "
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#16 of 20 Old 03-11-2011, 11:28 AM
 
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Ahh, my Daughters "sperm donor" left me the day I found out I was pregnant in Jan 2002, we spoke again breifly in Feb 2002 where I told him I wasn't going to have an abortion, which he'd asked me to do, and since that day, I have never seen or heard from him again.

 

It was worse that he "wasn't going to be there" while I was pregnant, but after I had her, life was just fine.

 

I've been a single mom, with no financial support, no major family support, and no biodad support for 8 years, and we're happy as pie. Its a struggle now and then, but when we make it through the hard times, we just smile together knowing yet again, we've made it.

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#17 of 20 Old 03-11-2011, 04:42 PM
 
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They see their dad but not like I think they should. But then again when he WAS here he rarely paid attention to them and sat in his office working. Now they go see him and his girlfriend watches all of them while he still sits in his office. He thinks eating dinner with them while they are there is enough.  :( He will regret it one day. I don't sweat it because I know that it will come back to him.


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#18 of 20 Old 03-03-2019, 05:29 AM
 
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I was already a single mom when I met BD #2 . We were together for almost 6 years before I found out that I was pregnant. When I told him he told me to “get rid of it “. I told him I would do no such thing and moved out of our shared apartment. About 2-3 weeks later he changed his phone number and blocked me on all social media. The couple of times that I was able to get in touch with him he said he never wanted another baby and also that there’s no way it’s his because “his sperm doesn’t work”. When I contacted his family to inform them of my son’s birth etc. he found a way to message me and threaten my life, but kept me blocked so I could not reply back. My son will be 3 months old this month and still nothing.
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#19 of 20 Old 04-13-2019, 07:46 PM
 
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My child's father had little to no involvement for the first 6-7 years of her life. He recently (November/December 2018) claimed that he was changing his life, seeking counseling, seeking better employment, getting off probation, enrolling in school, etc. He was excited to tell me about his plans for changing his life around so that he could be a good father to our daughter. I went against my pledge to cut him off forever and gave him another chance to prove himself because I saw certain behaviors change. Things were seemingly going well except for a few arguments about him rushing things.

But I feel like now that he had his first meeting (after nearly 3 years of not seeing her) that he's beginning to regress. It's like all the anticipation he built up with his promises to be around more have faded. He's lacking communication with her and me. He hasn't taken initiative to plan any family time. He flip flops between wanting to have family time and then claiming that certain family activities are off limits for whatever dumbass reasons (obviously he has shit to hide). It's like he just flipped from being a work in progress back to being a dysfunctional jackass.

I've made claims before about him possibly being a sociopath or bipolar because he is extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive, dishonest, displays no real emotion (other than boredom, indifference, and anger) and he flips drastically from being down to doing everything right to expecting me to accept subpar treatment.

I am so fucking pissed that I went against my own word because it took a lot of courage to finally cut him off for good. He hasn't returned my daughter's call nor answered my texts all week long. I don't know where he is and refuse to check his social media because I always find shit I don't like on there. I'm doubly pissed at the fact that this bastard got my daughter invested in the thought of him being in her life only to fuck up again. It's one thing to cut him off when he had minimal to no contact with my child and it would've been easier for her to handle because she was used to him being nothing but a fleeting thought but now that he got her directly involved in this mess, I find it harder to cut him off because I don't want to break the news to my daughter. I don't want her heart to be broken. She is only 7 years old! No child deserves this. I'm just waiting for him to randomly contact me with a bullshit excuse so I can rip his bitch ass a new one and HOPEFULLY work up the courage to cut his ass off forever. I still plan to take him to court for child support because it is the fucking LEAST that bum bitch ass bastard can do.

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#20 of 20 Old 06-22-2019, 07:31 PM
 
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My child's father had little to no involvement for the first 6-7 years of her life. He recently (November/December 2018) claimed that he was changing his life, seeking counseling, seeking better employment, getting off probation, enrolling in school, etc. He was excited to tell me about his plans for changing his life around so that he could be a good father to our daughter. I went against my pledge to cut him off forever and gave him another chance to prove himself because I saw certain behaviors change. Things were seemingly going well except for a few arguments about him rushing things.

But I feel like now that he had his first meeting (after nearly 3 years of not seeing her) that he's beginning to regress. It's like all the anticipation he built up with his promises to be around more have faded. He's lacking communication with her and me. He hasn't taken initiative to plan any family time. He flip flops between wanting to have family time and then claiming that certain family activities are off limits for whatever dumbass reasons (obviously he has shit to hide). It's like he just flipped from being a work in progress back to being a dysfunctional jackass.

I've made claims before about him possibly being a sociopath or bipolar because he is extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive, dishonest, displays no real emotion (other than boredom, indifference, and anger) and he flips drastically from being down to doing everything right to expecting me to accept subpar treatment.

I am so fucking pissed that I went against my own word because it took a lot of courage to finally cut him off for good. He hasn't returned my daughter's call nor answered my texts all week long. I don't know where he is and refuse to check his social media because I always find shit I don't like on there. I'm doubly pissed at the fact that this bastard got my daughter invested in the thought of him being in her life only to fuck up again. It's one thing to cut him off when he had minimal to no contact with my child and it would've been easier for her to handle because she was used to him being nothing but a fleeting thought but now that he got her directly involved in this mess, I find it harder to cut him off because I don't want to break the news to my daughter. I don't want her heart to be broken. She is only 7 years old! No child deserves this. I'm just waiting for him to randomly contact me with a bullshit excuse so I can rip his bitch ass a new one and HOPEFULLY work up the courage to cut his ass off forever. I still plan to take him to court for child support because it is the fucking LEAST that bum bitch ass bastard can do.

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Update: I don't know how we're still going. Shit blew up since the last time I posted. I ended up blocking him from contacting my daughter directly (he bought her a tablet) and he fought me about it for 2 weeks. I unblocked him and we had a subliminal conversation in front of our daughter about responsibility. It was supposed to be two-fold in that we have a talk with her about being more responsible but also remind her that we too as adults need to remember responsibility since we're not perfect and don't always make the best decision. The conversation went well. And from that point on we've been doing good. No arguments. He kept up with calls (not daily calls as initially promised but a few times a week) and meetings.

But the inevitable happens, we get into an argument because he misinterpreted a text I sent him. I saw him exhibit the same problematic behaviors that I told him made him unfit to parent: deflecting blame, antagonizing me, and being self-centered. When he does this he just pushes me to the point of wanting to cut him off because I can't trust him when I know that he still behaves in this manner. I hear all the good things that he wants and see some of the changes he's made but the poor behavioral patterns are still there. When he's around our daughter he loves on her like a father should. They have a good time together. But his refusal to be patient as we progress step by step toward fully integrating him into her life and allowing him to have full parenting responsibilities drives a huge wedge between us and my fears/maternal instincts just kick in and I want to cut him off. But then I hesitate in actually following through on cutting him off because I've bought into the idea of coparenting with him and like I said in my previous post, with my daughter directly involved... makes it extremely difficult to explain to her why she can't see him.

I don't know if I'm overthinking things in terms of wanting to cut him off if he still displays the same behavioral patterns or if I'm perfectly right to do so and should be brave enough to do it.

On top of that my friend is pressuring me to just cut him off completely and it makes me feel like a hypocrite. I HATE hypocrites so I cannot stand feeling like one. I just don't want to ruin a real opportunity for progress but I don't have a neon sign telling me to calm my fears and continue pushing forward.

What would y'all do in my situation?

Succinctly, some progress has been made but not enough for this to be a smooth-sailing partnership where I trust him to take on full parenting responsibilities as he requests. It's what we both want but I want to move slow and do it right and vet him. He thinks he's entitled to move right ahead as fast as he wants simply because he's her father. I understand where he's coming from but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. And I'll repeat his own desires back to him as proof of me understanding him but he'll claim in the heat of these arguments that I'm standing in his way. It's fucking ridiculous. And he refuses to go to counseling. I'm not trying to argue with him and deal with his toxicity for the rest of my life nor do I want my daughter to be exposed to his poor qualities. I already see her exhibiting certain traits such as being defiant, being manipulative, and lying.

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