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#1 of 16 Old 05-14-2014, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
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I am needing some advice on dealing with the father of my baby, who will be here in less than a week. The father went back to his ex-wife and their kid, and he wants nothing to do with me or our baby (he thinks we are horrible mistakes). He does not plan to be at the birth and he will not be on the birth certificate. I have tried to speak to him about coming up with an agreement on visitation, I have let him know the day that I will be delivering if he was to want to see his child. He has since changed his phone numbers, blocked me on email, and refuses to speak to me. He had his ex-wife send me a rude text message and I said I would be seeing him in court for child support. He then called me, asking if I was going to take him to court. He then proceeded to tell me that taking him to court would get him visitation and my child would be around his ex-wife because they are staying together. I know he was trying to scare and hurt me because he has said multiple times he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. If I do take him to court for child support, what are his chances of visitation after he has refused to communicate with me and is not on the birth certificate? Can I ask for supervised visitation? He should have to pay child support on his child, but at the same time, I do not want my child around his ex-wife and him because neither of them want anything to do with my child unless it involves hurting me, and that's the only reason he is wanting visitation. What should I do? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
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#2 of 16 Old 05-14-2014, 07:28 PM
 
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Hugs to you. I'm thinking you can't get child support without him being on the birth certificate. One thing I can think of that you can do is make sure you document everything. Keep text messages and emails to take to court to prove he wants nothing to do with the baby.

 

Hopefully someone else will come along with more help for you. Good luck!!


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#3 of 16 Old 05-15-2014, 01:50 AM - Thread Starter
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He now is claiming that him and his ex-wife, who he is "working things out with" will fight me for full custody if I take him to court for child support, and that they'll raise my daughter to call her mommy. I have done my best to try and communicate with him about visitation, but he just insults me and intentionally aims to hurt me when he calls. He is wanting full custody without me in the picture, but since I will not agree to that, he is choosing to not be involved with her, at all. I have decided to just let things go and move on from the mess, but a part of me feels I am letting my daughter down by giving up on trying to keep her father in her life.

Unfortunately, after leaving me, insulting me to no end, and being down-right cruel towards me...I still care about him. This is my first child and to be going through this is completely new for me, and it hurts. I'm just at a loss on what I should do.

Should I take him to court or should I let him be with his ex and their son? It's difficult for me to not think with emotion so it's nice to get an opinion from an outsider on the situation.
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#4 of 16 Old 05-15-2014, 06:48 AM
 
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Honestly I, personally, wouldn't want someone so toxic having influence over my child. I think you need to make some hard choices. I understand wanting the father in her life but with them both being so awful towards you it may be best to just keep him out of her life. You can always tell your daughter when she's older about her father if you decide to.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

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#5 of 16 Old 05-17-2014, 03:09 PM
 
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I'm going to move your thread from the archives to Single Parenting as you are more likely to get replies in one of our current forums. 

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#6 of 16 Old 05-17-2014, 11:13 PM
 
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What about... letting him go for now. Establish yourself as the primary parent. If you need child support or want father for child-file down the road, then file. He'll likely only get minor parenting time and will have to pay child support. Plus maybe they will have simmered down by then.
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#7 of 16 Old 05-18-2014, 07:47 AM
 
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This is really rough, I'm very sorry you're facing it now, so late in the pregnancy when your focus should be on the wonderful child about to enter your life. I know that it's painful to think that this man wants nothing to do with the child you made together, that your baby may grow up without a father, but it sounds like your baby's better off without this jerk. I agree, back off and hope that they back off as well.

This is not a man you want to be co-parenting with. It will hurt, but you'll be a lot better off having sole custody of your daughter than trying to work things out with him after he's made it clear he is not willing to work with you and is more than willing to do things that are bad for your child just to get back at you. Don't try for child support unless you absolutely have to, and consider only telling close friends/family who won't tell him when the baby is born.

However- you should record EVERYTHING. Save every text he sends you, if you still have the ones he sent previously- save those. Save the ones his ex sends you. Ideally, you should have been doing this before. If they call, record the date/time/content of conversations or let it go to voicemail and save those voicemails (you can send a text saying that it's easier for you to communicate by text right now- leaving a solid record of exactly what's said). Your ex is currently threatening parental alienation, which may be good for you as long as you can prove it. Most courts frown on parents refusing to let the other parent in their child's life, it may help prevent him from getting full (or even any) custody. I really hope that he just backs off and doesn't bother you, but if he decides to be a jerk- you need to have evidence for the courts.

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#8 of 16 Old 05-18-2014, 10:05 AM
 
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I agree that he should have to pay child support for his child.  However, I do want to warn you that if you file for child support and name him as the father, the court will establish paternity and then he will be added to the birth certificate and will almost definitely get visitation rights.  It is unlikely that he will get supervised visitation unless you can prove he is a danger to the child. 

 

Of course, it is very unlikely that he will get full custody, so I wouldn't worry about that threat at all.  Do you have any of his threats in writing (email or text message)? If you can prove that he is just fighting for more visitation for less child support, then that will definitely look badly for him in court. 

 

He is trying to scare you into not asking for his money.  If you think you can get by without the money and feel strongly that he shouldn't be around the child, then I would let it go for now.  Do NOT put him on the birth certificate, do not file for child support or custody (you'll automatically have full custody since you'll be the only legal parent on the BC). 

 

If you are okay with him likely getting at least some visitation and/or need the child support, then be aware that filing will lead to him being named as the father and gaining at least some legal rights, even though he hasn't been around during the pregnancy and has treated you poorly.  There is also a chance that he is all talk and will pay up without pursuing visitation. 

 

Also be aware that even if you don't name him on the BC,  he can at any point file for visitation and start the process of paternity etc on his own.  It sounds pretty unlikely that he would do that though. 

 

I think in your shoes, I would let things be and let him take the initiative to be in his child's life.  But it's a tough decision.  I wish you the best on the rest of your pregnancy!


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#9 of 16 Old 05-18-2014, 12:40 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you, ladies!

I recently got a new phone number because I did not want his ex-wife having it, along with some other negative people in my life. I did, however, give my new number to him because, I did not want to be that parent that cut off all ties with him and made it nearly impossible for him to see his child. Therefore, I lost all the text messages that were sent between us. I deleted previous emails because they were just so hurtful that I did not want to see them, and that is my fault; I should have kept them. All I have are phone calls, which won't prove anything, and a text message from his phone that his ex-wife sent.

The father has changed his work phone number, got a new personal phone with a new number, and changed his email addresses. He also said that he planned to move out of state or to a larger city, depending on work and what his ex-wife prefers. I have no way to contact him if I wanted to, but during our last conversation, I told him that I would never keep him from seeing his daughter.

I don't want to be the bad parent that gave up and kept the child from him. I have done all that I can possibly do. He has made the decision (the stupid decision) to not be involved.

Thank you for the advice! If anything comes up, I will definitely save it. I might (do not know yet because it is still a while from now) take him to court down the road. I first, would like to get back on my feet and be stable before I do take him. Only God knows what will happen. I'm hoping for the best!
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#10 of 16 Old 05-18-2014, 01:22 PM
 
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Check your email trash the deleted ones might still be there.
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#11 of 16 Old 05-18-2014, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
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I had also deleted them from the trash. His messages were very rude and hurtful, and I just did not want to ever see them again. I really wish I didn't delete them.

Anything from this point on though will definitely be saved.
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#12 of 16 Old 05-19-2014, 12:24 PM
 
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Wow first let me start by saying he's a sickening poor excuse for a man. I am so sorry to see yet another wonderful woman and child go through this. If you file for child support ALL the courts will worry about is child support as long as you two were never married. I was SO worried about custody and visitation but I found out that child support court is ONLY concerned with payments ( at least it is like that here where I live). He does not have to be on the birth certificate. My sons deadbeat dad has NEVER met him and he is 18 months now. I took him to court for child support and his now ex ,which was not his wife just his other "baby mama", tried pulling that same crap telling people they were going to get custody of my son. She even went as far to press false charges on me to try to take him. It severely back fired and now I am suing her. If he wants any sort of visitation or custody he would have to fight you for it in court on a whole separate case from CS. The most he would probably get is visitation if he took it that far. My sons dad was not on his birth certificate until our last court date and that was only because once the judge makes you do DNA (which you will have to do before they pursue child support if he is not on the BC) they will add him to the birth certificate. It DOES NOT give him rights if he is not active in the child's life. My sons's father has no rights to him. I have sole custody of him. He is trying to scare you so that you don't make him pay. He helped make that blessing and he needs to help support it. Men think that they can take the easy way out just because it is convenient for them at the time, but that is not fare for you or your child. You should not have to support your baby alone and CS does not mean you have to interact with him in anyway. I know you want him to be in the child's life but it's up to him. I gave my sons dad EVERY opportunity to see him and be involved in his life and he refused saying he has nothing to offer him because he didn't want him (thats what he told his ex yet at our last court date he told me he was going to meet him). My son does not need that in his beautiful life and at almost 2 he is VERY smart and aware of what goes on around him. At 18 months he can carry on a full conversation and understands a lot. So it would be a nightmare to keep asking him to be involved and he finally decides to come around causing problems for us. So at the same time if I have to go after him in court to make sure my son is taken care of, then as a mom that is what I have do, but that does not mean he has to be in his life. Remember our children do not ask for these situation so as mothers we do whatever we can to make sure they have beautiful, comfortable, happy lives. Best of wishes hun.

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#13 of 16 Old 05-19-2014, 04:36 PM
 
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I would contact the email server (e.g. hotmail or google, etc).....or a tech support person to find out if they can be retrieved somehow.  You may need them for evidence.  If they were on your computer, then maybe it's possible to retrieve them somehow from the hard drive.  Some companies never actually delete items from the main server.

And I would not give him any more info than is necessary.  He will distort and use it against you.  Threatening to go after full custody if you go after child support is abuse. Most abusers follow the same patterns in divorce....they go after custody to continue to exercise their power and control, they lie, they manipulate, make up false allegations, etc.  Don't for one minute let your guard down with this man.

I would advise against communicating at all by phone with him.  If he calls, let it go to voicemail.  Only communicate in writing.

you need legal advice from a lawyer who understands power/abuse/control issues of abusers, and can guide you on your local laws.  Abusers are well known to make up false allegations of parental alienation and use that to gain full custody.  So you also need to protect yourself from that (and it sounds like your previous emails show that willingness to have him in baby's life). But do not, under any circumstances, let him be alone with your baby without a custody order to protect you. Otherwise he could take the baby and claim 50/50 custody (and get away with kidnapping). Have you consulted a lawyer?
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#14 of 16 Old 05-22-2014, 10:07 PM
 
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"He now is claiming that him and his ex-wife, who he is "working things out with" will fight me for full custody if I take him to court for child support, and that they'll raise my daughter to call her mommy. "

 

I hope this was in writing and that you saved it.  With comments like that - showing an intentional, premeditated wish to alienate your child from you (which is child abuse) - you actually might have an argument for supervised visitation.

 

At the very least, such comments provide you a strong case for sole custody.  (Dad would probably still get some visitation, but you would not have to consult him on decisions about the child.)  Joint legal (decision-making) custody cannot work if one parent is that hostile, threatening and unwilling to cooperate for the best interest of the child.

 

That said, do not worry:  

 

1) Unless you have some really serious impediment to parenting, there's no reason to imagine that a court would consider taking a newborn baby away from her mommy - especially to give her to a father who conceived her while cheating on the wife to whom he's still married; who wanted nothing to do with her until he feared he'd have to pay support; and who has made it clear he won't foster the child's relationship with you.  Put that out of your mind.  Really, for him to even ask to separate a baby from the mother whose body she just emerged from would show most judges - right off the bat - that he doesn't have the child's best interests at heart.  It would be unusual for him to even get overnight visitation, until she's significantly older.

 

2) This man and his wife (if he is representing her position accurately) do not want to take your child from you.  They want to intimidate you into not pursuing a child support order.  I mean, think about it:  if they feel this upset and threatened by the idea of being ordered to pay support, how could they possibly want to take on the much greater cost of being the primary caregivers?  Threats like that are just so stupid, but unfortunately not terribly uncommon.  Unless you really don't need any financial help, you and your baby are entitled to that support from her other parent - even if you just put the money in a college account for her, or save it to pay for the counselling she may need, if she has to have these people in her life.

 

If you're not already doing this, communicate with him and his wife only in writing.  Take photos of, or otherwise record, texts from them - but email is best.

 

I think you mentioned still having feelings for this man.  Anyone who would threaten you with the above quote is not someone for whom you ought to have feelings.  But you are hormonal and in a position where you naturally want to feel connected to a partner.  If you can, take care of yourself by seeing a counselor.  Hang in there, Mama.

 

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#15 of 16 Old 05-22-2014, 10:20 PM
 
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Wow, so well said vocal minority!

I would really try to get some solid evidence in writing of these threats...and if the emails were deleted research if its possible to retrieve them. But if not, I'm sure he will give you plenty of gems...but do not for one second lead him to believe you are onto him, or might contact a lawyer, etc. you want him to show his true colours and not suddenly put on the phoney civility act because he becomes aware that you may actually follow through with filing for child support (without obviously provoking). people like your baby's dad are great at avoiding exposure and can turn on the charm and deny ever threatening you with parental alienation or litigation.

Do not give him any information thinking it may change his mind. Now is the time to get used to the idea of only writing something you would share with a judge. Maybe a women's shelter has a free law clinic (but do not, I repeat do NOT tell him you are seeing a lawyer if you do. It will escalate his power and control tactics). Just smile and nod and say 'uh huh' and play dumb...and then turn around and outsmart that wolf! Trust me on this one...
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#16 of 16 Old 05-23-2014, 08:54 AM
 
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Do not give him any information thinking it may change his mind. Now is the time to get used to the idea of only writing something you would share with a judge. Maybe a women's shelter has a free law clinic (but do not, I repeat do NOT tell him you are seeing a lawyer if you do. It will escalate his power and control tactics). Just smile and nod and say 'uh huh' and play dumb...and then turn around and outsmart that wolf! Trust me on this one...

Yes!  Such a good point-it's tempting to threaten him right back and tell him you are going to get a lawyer and he'll have to pay up, but keep it to yourself and do what you need to do without him being any the wiser.  He will flip out when he gets served, but don't answer the phone, do not engage, and save any texts or emails he sends your way. 

 

Also, yes to everything VM wrote!  These people do not want your baby, they just don't want to pay and they know what to threaten you with. 

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