Looking for advice and encouragement - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 01-20-2015, 10:03 AM - Thread Starter
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Looking for advice and encouragement

I never thought this would happen but a few weeks ago after I'd been fired from my job and was recovering from the flu I discovered I was pregnant. I'm was/am happy and excited, but the father is not. He completely flipped out and thinks I'm making a huge mistake by not having an abortion. I didn't expect him to be supportive for a lot of reasons I won't go into but it still hurts. So here I am jobless, very single and pregnant.

I've let a few of my family and friends know, my brother thinks I'm making a mistake also and that I've been brainwashed by the pro-life movement or something. My sister (mom of 7) has been really supportive and plans to come here during the birth. She's already getting ahold of all her mom friends to see if they'll have stuff to give to me.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice on 1) staying positive 2) what jobs should I seek out now that I'm pregnant? For the past year I've worked in sales which is OK but working retail hours won't work in the long term 3) I have an 8 year old daughter. I'm waiting till I'm further along to tell her but any advice on that? 4) Any advice on meeting other moms? I went to attachment parenting group meetings and Le Leche League meetings when my daughter was a baby but didn't really connect with anyone.
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#2 of 4 Old 01-27-2015, 04:57 PM
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I've read your post several times over the past week, feeling like I should chime in but unsure of how, so here it goes.

This sounds like you're dealing with a very difficult situation. I don't know how encouraging my input might be, but I can give advice (from my perspective, but YMMV). A situation like this, with one existing kid, no job, an ex who adamantly does not want a child, and an accidental pregnancy... it's a tough one.

For me, I've thought before about I would do if I got pregnant accidentally; I know that adding another child before I'd be able to support one would mean lowering the quality of life of my DD, so my choice in the situation of accidental pregnancy that I know I can't provide for would be to terminate the pregnancy or to go with adoption. For me (and again, this is probably different for different people), it would be morally problematic to make my existing child sacrifice her security and quality of life, to be unsure of being able to come up with rent and safe childcare. For me, I would also give some weight in the decision to the fact that the other person involved (the ex/the father) would be responsible for the next ~20 years for a pregnancy he doesn't want and didn't intend (I don't know how it works in your state, but in mine the state will sometimes aggressively go after absent fathers for child support if the mother applies for state assistance (food stamps, work-related daycare subsidy, medicaid, etc), even if the mother and father both agree that he won't be involved).

On the other hand, it's absolutely your choice. I understand the feeling of wanting another child (and also the surprise at an accidental pregnancy), though I would probably wait for a more positive situation. If you'd like to know more about my lived experiences and how I've come to that sort of decision, I'm willing to share.

Ultimately, I'm just another poster on a internet forum, and each of us has a different and valid way making choices and dealing with life, and my intent in this post wasn't to pressure or hassle you at all. I know that my input is probably not what you were hoping for, and my apologies if it was unwelcome, uncomfortable, insensitive. As for advice on job stuff, getting a job as a bank teller could work, which is full time (as opposed to retail, where I always found that I was never able to get a full time schedule) and has health insurance benefits for full time. For teller jobs, sometimes cash handling experience through retail is enough to make the jump from retail cashier to bank teller. I know that some people sell crafts on etsy as a SAHM gig, but I personally don't know much about that.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Last edited by Joplusone; 01-27-2015 at 06:47 PM.
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#3 of 4 Old 01-27-2015, 09:31 PM
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Congrats on your pregnancy I'm glad you have your mom supporting you through this-it's a tough situation to be in. I haven't been there done that, but I've certainly thought about what would happen if I were to get pregnant again unexpectedly now that I'm kinda sorta dating. I'm pro-choice, but I abortion is not a choice I'd make for myself barring unforeseen circumstances. I also have 2 older children, and it would be a big change for all of us, and would definitely be a struggle for me financially and time-wise.

I've met most of my mom friends through things like storytime or a homeschooling co-op we are a part of. I always think of making new friends like dating-sometimes it's frustrating and embarrassing and you have to kind of be brave and offer up your email/number or set up semi-awkward "dates" before anything really sticks. Also check into local single mom groups on meet up or facebook-they might have lots of support/advice to offer!

As far as staying positive-I think it's important to minimize contact with negative people. Let them know you've heard their opinion, but you've made your decision and you need them to either back off or be quiet And take things a step at a time-figure out what you need now before you start panicking about what you will need 9 months from now, KWIM?!

Job-wise-you could look into a full-time nannying job where you could bring the baby. I know people who have done this (I did it part-time) and it was actually fairly lucrative with some families. Or working at a daycare, so the baby would be nearby? I work from home doing medical transcription, but I don't know that I'd recommend going into that now when you are already pregnant-it took a year of training (that I had to pay for) and decent paying jobs are not always easy to come by.

In any case, I wish you luck and hope your pregnancy goes smoothly!
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#4 of 4 Old 01-28-2015, 12:26 PM
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Congratulations on your pregnancy!

As you know from being a mom already, life changes all the time, and our children are always worth whatever sacrifices we have to make.

On your questions~I agree with greenemami when it comes to minimizing contact with negative people. Those who want to condemn you for not choosing what they think they would do in your position. For help with the other questions, you'll probably be able to connect with other single moms and get some great practical help by going to a local pregnancy center. I used to volunteer at one, and they are generally very good at providing resources, ideas for networking, job possibilities, etc. Optionline can help you find a center (or more than one) in your area.

I'm excited for you and the many GOOD things the future holds for your family in the midst of the whatever problems come - we all have to face different ones. Blessings to you! My prayers are with you. Feel free to PM me if there's more help I can find for you.

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