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-   -   Confused as to what my (EX) husband wants or is up to?!? (https://www.mothering.com/forum/234-single-parenting/1553978-confused-what-my-ex-husband-wants-up.html)

RanchWife06 02-17-2016 10:50 AM

Confused as to what my (EX) husband wants or is up to?!?
 
I am a mother of 2 little boys, and currently still married. My husband filed for divorce in December of 2015, unexpectedly in a way.
A little history about us, we have been together for 4 years almost 5 and married 1 year 3 months before he filed for the divorce. We have one child together and the oldest boy is mine from a 6 year highshool sweetheart relaitonship. My family has never really taken the time to get to know my husband and never cared for him really (but they arent a family that should be judging given their flaws), and my husband's family adored me up until the ring was placed on my finger, his 3 female cousins (typical bar sluts, laying in the parking lot screaming someone take me home and fuck me) started rumors that I was cheating on my husband which made his family withdrew from me, plus his mother moved 2 blocks away from us who is not self motivated or sufficient at all she relies on my husband for alot of things which has caused him to drop our family things to constantly run and help her. Either way I tried really hard to make it work and well if I would end up getting hurt feelings and tried to explain to him what hurt me he would blow up and start an argument saying i was over exagerating everything. My husband and I both have good careers and we use to have a great family but in the last year after we got married things have plumitted. I am not sure if I am against the divorce or for it, I just try not to talk to him unless I have to and I started seeing a counselor who told me that I was in a very controlling relaitonship (gave him more details than I am posting). Either way yesterday we took our 2 year old son to the doctor, during the visit our son wanted to be a big boy and sit down in his own chair so I stood up and let him sit in my chair. My husband than grabs me while I am standing and pulls me onto his lap, I weight about 130 pounds less than him so it did catch me off guard and I ended up on his lap to get immediately back up then he stated to me that he was hoping to get an occasional little on the side (occasional sex) from his wife. After the appointment he wanted to go with to get our sons prescription, after picking it up and coming out of the store he puts our son into my work car and then shuts the door and hugs me and kisses me (caught me off guard again) and tells me he loves me. Just a month ago I was the worse wife in the world and our marriage failed because of me. It's like one day he misses the life he had and then the next day he hates me. We have court on 2-18-16 for set custody of our child, so i am not sure if he is screwing with me so that I screw up at the hearing or if he is unsure about his decision of what he wants. Several people that know him and I well state that he has turned into his family and his mother (who is also divorced, there are several stories about why his parents divorced and not even she tells the truth so you dont know what to believe) and that its them pushing him. But i dont know if I believe that either he is 34 years old he is a grown man that can make his own decisions. Its an emotional rollercoaster and I am getting sick and want off this ride, do I believe him or is he filling me full of crap because of enjoyment of screwing with me.

captain optimism 02-17-2016 11:13 AM

If he acts like he has mixed feelings, he probably has mixed feelings. That's too bad for him. You don't seem to have mixed feelings at all. It doesn't matter why he's doing what he's doing, because you sound like you're not interested in reviving the relationship. If I read you wrong, sorry! It just sounds like you're not up for going back.

I think you should proceed in the direction that gets you what you need, without reference to whether he wants to get back together. If you are happier without him, then move forward without him.

In any case, you don't want to be your ex-husband's affair on the side! That's ridiculous and confusing. If you want to get back together with him, then it has to be on healthy marriage terms, and no bs.

Don't go places with him where you will be in a room alone without other adults. Obviously you couldn't foresee his behavior at the pediatrician's office! I just think you have to be careful with this guy.

RanchWife06 02-17-2016 11:33 AM

I have thought about getting back together with him, initally I didnt want the divorce and I tried very hard without any help from him so I gave up. He would not go to counseling and he would not even see that some things were his fault. A marriage is a 50/50 partnership and he definitely was not holding his 50 up.
I gave up also after reading what he put in our divorce papers, he claims I cheated which I never did and then painted me out to be some chaotic unstable mother. I have never been in any trouble I have borderline ocd, I was in the US Army, and I have been acknowloedged Nationally for articles I have wrote for my career. I am far from it and he knows that. He went as far as to even put in his affidavit (statement to the court) a text message I sent him the week I moved out of our home which stated that I loved him and never wanted any of this to happen and how I miss him. He takes my kindness and throws it back into my face thats why I dont trust the man and you cant ever tell what he wants because one day I am the worse thing on the planet and the next day he wants to sleep with me but then there is when he takes my kidness and throws it back at me twisting it and making me look desperate and unstable. No trust for the man and I am honestly having a hard time even looking at who he has become. I did miss him alot at first but I do wake up every morning and remond myself all of the things he has done recently and it helps make my decision easier I guess.

Linda on the move 02-17-2016 07:57 PM

To me, it sounds like he wants to have sex, and since you have had sex with him in the past and he enjoyed, he is seeing if you want to have sex again.


There is a big difference between a man wanting to be in a grown up relationship, and a man wanting to have sex.

ismewilde 02-17-2016 08:12 PM

He sounds like a mess - one that is completely manipulating you. Please get counseling to free yourself from the claws of this guy and what sounds like a very messed up family. Whatever happens between you he will use against you, so don't sleep with him or fall for his tactics. He has already proven that he can't be trusted with your feelings and has serious issues. It is obvious you still love him, so do what you can to completely cut off contact beyond what is necessary so that you can free yourself of his manipulative tactics with some space.

RanchWife06 02-19-2016 05:15 AM

Update: We had an interim order hearing yesterday about custody of our 2 year old. My husband definitely pulled out the shady tricks, not only did his witnesses show up but he invited 12 other people which included my oldest sons grandmother who hates me for leaving her son after he cheated on me and then married the woman he cheated on me with. Which I am kind to them constantly except for when they think I need to stop my entire life to cater them. Either way my attorney brought his behavior up in court and he had to admit to it but then his attorney brought up the fact I had cancer and tried saying I am making up stories and lies about it because I never told my husband. No I didn't tell him because there was a protection order against him and I didn't think he needed to know. The judge made no decision yesterday as far as everything goes, the judge stated he will review the case very thoroughly and let us know in the next few days of his decision. my husband is asking for full custody and I am asking for shared legal and primary residential custody which is what we have now so I am asking that the current agreement continue. I was able to provide the court with text messages of him openly admitting to hitting me and apologizing for it. I am scared of losing my son to him and having to coparent more than I already am now. I have my flaws like every human being but I am noy the monster he paints me out to be because if I was would he be have the way he has. He openly admitted to me on Monday that he kind of wants a legal seperation I told him no way. I wish he would get help like i have taken upon myself to do.

ismewilde 02-19-2016 09:38 AM

So, he wants a legal separation and no divorce? I'm confused.
If he continues this and it's possible that him and his family would be trying to alienate you from your child in any way, you may want to seek full custody.

Unfortunately, who often wins most in these cases are the lawyers. Who often loses most are the children. Hopefully, he can come to an agreement with you and let go of this power struggle. Sometimes patents only pull the stuff in order to get child support and hurt the other parent.
Document everything! If it comes down to it, tell him all agreements and conversations will be recorded and any other will go through a court appointed mediator.

RanchWife06 02-20-2016 07:18 AM

He will tell me he wants a legal seperation but not his family and attorney, he will tell me I will let them know and he never does. I am working on quit caring about him but he knows how to emotionally manipulate me. I wake up every morning and convince myself to just hate him. I don't have the family support he does and I did not have the best childhood and they are quick to point that out to myself and a judge. I am scared and nervous on what the judge will decide in the next week as far as custody, I thought interim orders the judge gave a decision immediately. Any advice to move on and get over my husband faster so I don't open myself up to anymore emotional turmoil and keep my head up. I just want out and him to leave me alone but instead he screws with me and my dad is still friends with him.

ismewilde 02-20-2016 10:02 AM

My advice (as I stated above) is to cut off all contact beyond what is necessary. Have absolutely all contact be through leaving a message or through a mediator. Send certified letters if you must. Do you have friends to help keep you strong?

katelove 02-20-2016 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ismewilde (Post 19282490)
My advice (as I stated above) is to cut off all contact beyond what is necessary. Have absolutely all contact be through leaving a message or through a mediator. Send certified letters if you must. Do you have friends to help keep you strong?


Yes to this. And I would also suggest counselling. Your local women's shelter can probably suggest some counsellors who have experience helping women leaving abusive or controlling relationships.

I would not suggest trying to hate him as a strategy for moving on. Hating someone requires a lot of emotional energy and focus on the person. Detachment and indifference will serve you much better moving forwards :-)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

hillymum 02-26-2016 06:50 AM

WOW, your stbx sounds as manipulative as mine was. I hope the Judge is in your favor! Why were you both at your son's doctors appointment? There is no need for that in the future. You should not be in the same room as him when there is a possibility of him assaulting you again, and that is what he did. You are not his wife any more, and you need to set boundaries, and if he crosses them, take action. Start saying "No" and "Do not touch me". You had a protection order against him? How long for and when was it dropped?

No advice on how to get over your husband, it takes time, but you do have to adjust to the fact that he has no positive feelings towards you. To him, you sitting on his lap (even though you were unwilling, it was not with your consent) was proof that you do not fear him at all, so there is no reason for you to co-parent with maximum interaction. My ex pulled a similar stunt, asked for me to do a handover in McDonald's, knowing the kids would want to sit and eat, so I was with them when he arrived and didn't leave as soon as he arrived. He bought it up in court to demonstrate I was not scared of him. (I sat away from him, there were other people there, and interaction was tense. The Judge saw I was set up, she already had seen how deceptive my ex was. Do not put yourself in this position again!!! As someone else said, keep contact to a minimum, and only child related. No talking. Keeping contact to email is best, text if not. Email is good as you do not have to reply immediately and you can edit your writing. Keep writing factual and unemotional. He doesn't care how you feel and will use as much as possible against you. ( I learnt this the hard way.) If he tries to be with you without someone else being there to help you, try to get a security guard to accompany you. My attorney would make me wait 10 minutes after court would end, and escort me out of the building after checking he had left. Luckily for my, all of ex's attorney's (he got through 4 of them) helped as much as possible.

This is a wonderful forum to come to for help, support, advice and general chat. I hate to say it, but welcome! I'm glad you found it!

Are there any support groups for divorcees you could go to?

EmilyVail42 03-29-2016 08:21 AM

I understand, thats a very hard place to be in. Its even worst when you dont know how to shut the emotional valve off. However the reality is he already as. And its not love you know this, no reaction is better then reaction. Talk to your lawyer about lowering communication with him so you react less... way less. And literally look at your sons best interest. Despite text, hitting or anger point out the benefits for your son and try to keep strong. Your ex is an ex, hes not part of your life. So dont worry about what he does, worry about what you do. Just stay happy and strong. Show the judge your emotionally sound!

Marinaze 09-17-2020 02:06 PM

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you were able to avoid a divorce.


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