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#1 of 14 Old 04-24-2016, 09:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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dating and heartbreak

Hello fellow single mamas.

Not sure if there is anyone in this forum from when I used to post here... I was a frequent commenter and poster many years ago. I am a solo parent and have been for over 8 years now. This community was so helpful and wonderful when I was going through my divorce and coming out the other side!

All of that being said, I am in such a different place than I was before. I was married to an abuser for 6 years, recovered somewhat, came out as lesbian later, had some dating experience, and have recently found real, deep love... and recently lost it. I am devastated and having a hard time coping. And it's tricky/complicated because although the woman I was with is no longer my girlfriend, and although she is moving across the country for a job tomorrow morning, the "door is open." We still love each other very much, but she was the one to call it off a few months ago... and she was the one who also proposed keeping the door open in the hopes that *maybe* we might return to each other in the future. I don't doubt her love for me, but I have no idea if she can regain the trust she needs to re-enter a relationship with me. I never thought I'd be able to agree to such a thing as keeping the door open. It's not even a long distance relationship, because we aren't in a relationship. And yet, I have agreed, because this is real and good (despite the circumstantial problems that contributed to our break up) and deep like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know that if I say goodbye it won't change how I feel. I don't want to date and could never date when I am as in love with her as I am. I also know that I am fine and will be fine on my own... so it's not about that. It's about the fact that life has less meaning without her in it. And so I am grieving at this move of hers, feeling that the chances are slim that we will get back together, and feeling the loss of her so acutely. I am in town where I don't know many people, and none very closely, (moved here for graduate school) and so I am somewhat isolated in my grief.

So, I am reaching out here because I am wondering what you all might recommend. What has helped you in the past when you have been heartbroken? I do have a counselor I see once a week and she's amazing, but I can't talk to her every day. Would love any ideas and/or commiseration anyone is willing to offer.
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#2 of 14 Old 04-24-2016, 11:51 PM
 
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Welcome back! I do remember you, though not all the details. I think we joined the single parenting board around the same time.

I'm sorry about your recent break up. Time and therapy have been what's worked for me, though I'm still a little heartbroken so not sure how well it's worked.

All the best!
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#3 of 14 Old 04-25-2016, 01:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Welcome back! I do remember you, though not all the details. I think we joined the single parenting board around the same time.

I'm sorry about your recent break up. Time and therapy have been what's worked for me, though I'm still a little heartbroken so not sure how well it's worked.

All the best!
Hi rubelin, I remember your username from back then. sorry to hear you are also still heartbroken. I am glad to have a good counselor but the time part is difficult for sure. it's been 3 months and it feels like no time has passed so far. thanks for your reply and for understanding!
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#4 of 14 Old 04-25-2016, 04:30 PM
 
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The only relief thats real is that when you love someone you just want the best for them has they want for you. Knowing this moving on for the both of you sounds fairly important. Even if that meabs not dating awhile and just keep going, you cant keep doors open when life is offering oppositions to not date. Naturaly you just cant keep those doors open. Its a fight that can keep open wounds still open. Thats not healthy, nor fair to the both of you. So do your best to keep going until you can heal from the missing of that person. Be fair to you and her and show love by just supporting the change. Good luck i hope you find peace.
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#5 of 14 Old 04-27-2016, 01:12 PM
 
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Seems your feelings for your ex-girlfriend are very strong. So strong that the idea "keep the door open" may not work for you. That place of limbo does not sound like a good place for you right now. That kind of situation may just end up driving you batty. Better to acknowledge that and as said above wish her well in life and focus on your grieving of the relationship. Perhaps not date for a while as you grieve.
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#6 of 14 Old 04-28-2016, 12:48 AM
 
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Welcome back. I'm sorry you have had to go through this heartbreak, after all those years of healing. Love and loss are never easy, especially if you are new to a place and don't have a lot of IRL support. This may be your opportunity to have the space, when ready, to reach out to make new connections...when ready...

What has helped me through breakups is throwing myself into something I love, be it exercise, music or a hobby, and also trying to meet friends. Or go travelling, a road trip for a complete and total change of scenery and environment. Nature has been my greatest healing catalyst. And trying to look for the silver lining.

I sort of agree with PP, that it might be best to accept it as being over and really move on. But you also know yourself best. If the door is truly open still, then she will find a way to open that door. Hope is that thing with feathers that perches on the soul (stole that from a poet)....so I also really understand how holding onto hope might also be healing at this stage in your grief.
:
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#7 of 14 Old 04-28-2016, 06:56 AM
 
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I agree, keeping the possibility of re-connection going is not a good idea. You can't mourn the ending of a relationship if it isn't truly over. What Alpenglow said was spot on. Give yourself time to heal and enjoy the activities that make you happy. Are you still in school? Are there opportunities for you to connect with others there? What about your child, are there opportunities to make friends with his/her friends parents if they are in any particular activities?
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#8 of 14 Old 04-28-2016, 10:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your kind words and support. I am not sure how I feel about completely letting go... it hurts to have hope, but would devastate me to say goodbye completely. Though I understand that is a very likely outcome. I'm talking all of this through with my counselor, too, of course. She has suggested I try to turn my focus on myself and my life and things I enjoy... much like you have all done! Thank you. I am trying. The challenge lies in the low-level depression I feel. It is hard to care about much right now. I am grieving deeply and still cycling through "what could have been." I am not in school anymore and work three jobs that all involve relative isolation from other adults. Not ideal! But I'm trying to reach out to potential friends when and where I can. I'm afraid that in my depression I don't make a very appealing friend!
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#9 of 14 Old 04-29-2016, 04:11 AM
 
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Heartbreak hurts . I can relate. We finally open our hearts again and wham, out they rip.
The responsibilities of life (kids, jobs) make it so hard to grieve. The end of close relationships is a loss...and it is so lonely and hard to grieve alone. To top it all off we moms are supposed to hold it all together for everyone else, but who holds us together?
While keeping busy can help sometimes, sometimes giving yourself space to grieve and feel sad is necessary too. I guess everyone deals with loss differently. Do you have any option to take some time off work? Family other places who might come stay with you?
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#10 of 14 Old 04-29-2016, 04:50 PM
 
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I thought this article had some good thoughts and advice
http://expandedconsciousness.com/201...s-ways-let-go/
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#11 of 14 Old 07-29-2019, 03:11 AM
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Hello fellow single mamas.

Not sure if there is anyone in this forum from when I used to post here... I was a frequent commenter and poster many years ago. I am a solo parent and have been for over 8 years now. This community was so helpful and wonderful when I was going through my divorce and coming out the other side!

All of that being said, I am in such a different place than I was before. I was married to an abuser for 6 years, recovered somewhat, came out as lesbian later, had some dating experience, and have recently found real, deep love... and recently lost it. I am devastated and having a hard time coping. And it's tricky/complicated because although the woman I was with is no longer my girlfriend, and although she is moving across the country for a job tomorrow morning, the "door is open." We still love each other very much, but she was the one to call it off a few months ago... and she was the one who also proposed keeping the door open in the hopes that *maybe* we might return to each other in the future. I don't doubt her love for me, but I have no idea if she can regain the trust she needs to re-enter a relationship with me. I never thought I'd be able to agree to such a thing as keeping the door open. It's not even a long distance relationship, because we aren't in a relationship. And yet, I have agreed, because this is real and good (despite the circumstantial problems that contributed to our break up) and deep like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know that if I say goodbye it won't change how I feel. I don't want to date and could never date when I am as in love with her as I am. I also know that I am fine and will be fine on my own... so it's not about that. It's about the fact that life has less meaning without her in it. And so I am grieving at this move of hers, feeling that the chances are slim that we will get back together, and feeling the loss of her so acutely. I am in town where I don't know many people, and none very closely, (moved here for graduate school) and so I am somewhat isolated in my grief.

So, I am reaching out here because I am wondering what you all might recommend. What has helped you in the past when you have been heartbroken? I do have a counselor I see once a week and she's amazing, but I can't talk to her every day. Would love any ideas and/or commiseration anyone is willing to offer.
ow, you know, your story is so touching... Personally, my friend used dating sites to find a couple but still didn't find... BUt he's 45 already, and day by day he loses the hope...
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#12 of 14 Old 07-29-2019, 03:14 AM
 
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Hello fellow single mamas.

Not sure if there is anyone in this forum from when I used to post here... I was a frequent commenter and poster many years ago. I am a solo parent and have been for over 8 years now. This community was so helpful and wonderful when I was going through my divorce and coming out the other side!

All of that being said, I am in such a different place than I was before. I was married to an abuser for 6 years, recovered somewhat, came out as lesbian later, had some dating experience, and have recently found real, deep love... and recently lost it. I am devastated and having a hard time coping. And it's tricky/complicated because although the woman I was with is no longer my girlfriend, and although she is moving across the country for a job tomorrow morning, the "door is open." We still love each other very much, but she was the one to call it off a few months ago... and she was the one who also proposed keeping the door open in the hopes that *maybe* we might return to each other in the future. I don't doubt her love for me, but I have no idea if she can regain the trust she needs to re-enter a relationship with me. I never thought I'd be able to agree to such a thing as keeping the door open. It's not even a long distance relationship, because we aren't in a relationship. And yet, I have agreed, because this is real and good (despite the circumstantial problems that contributed to our break up) and deep like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know that if I say goodbye it won't change how I feel. I don't want to date and could never date when I am as in love with her as I am. I also know that I am fine and will be fine on my own... so it's not about that. It's about the fact that life has less meaning without her in it. And so I am grieving at this move of hers, feeling that the chances are slim that we will get back together, and feeling the loss of her so acutely. I am in town where I don't know many people, and none very closely, (moved here for graduate school) and so I am somewhat isolated in my grief.

So, I am reaching out here because I am wondering what you all might recommend. What has helped you in the past when you have been heartbroken? I do have a counselor I see once a week and she's amazing, but I can't talk to her every day. Would love any ideas and/or commiseration anyone is willing to offer.
Listen to my story
Hi peeps, and hope someone takes an interest!

I have an epileptic and autistic sister (she's 30 but has a mental age of roughly 6), my dad has been severely impaired in eyesight and short-term memory by a brain haemorrhage he had in January 2012, and my mam (my sister's carer) is suffering from depression, severe anxiety, insomnia and occasional suicidal ideation. I am also the only driver in the house, and take my mam for groceries every Saturday as well as keeping her company (with TV and board games) every evening.

I have never lived away from my parents -- even though I went to university and have now been employed for almost 11 years -- and now yearn to move out (primarily because I'd like to try finding a girlfriend or wife, and suspect that my family situation would be a deal breaker for any woman if she became aware of it). However last time I attempted to move out my mam caught me in the act and threw a major tantrum, and I abandoned the move out of fear that if I went ahead my mam would commit suicide! I'm now despairing of ever being able to move out, fearing that I'll be expected to live with my parents until they die and then take over from my mam as my sister's carer.

Have I ended up becoming a carer for my mam without even realizing it, and does anyone here have any ideas for how I can get out of my situation? (I am considering taking advantage of my workplace counselling scheme, but I am also looking for more practical suggestions.)
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#13 of 14 Old 07-29-2019, 05:25 AM
 
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Listen to my story
Hi peeps, and hope someone takes an interest!

I have an epileptic and autistic sister (she's 30 but has a mental age of roughly 6), my dad has been severely impaired in eyesight and short-term memory by a brain haemorrhage he had in January 2012, and my mam (my sister's carer) is suffering from depression, severe anxiety, insomnia and occasional suicidal ideation. I am also the only driver in the house, and take my mam for groceries every Saturday as well as keeping her company (with TV and board games) every evening.

I have never lived away from my parents -- even though I went to university and have now been employed for almost 11 years -- and now yearn to move out (primarily because I'd like to try finding a girlfriend or wife, and suspect that my family situation would be a deal breaker for any woman if she became aware of it). However last time I attempted to move out my mam caught me in the act and threw a major tantrum, and I abandoned the move out of fear that if I went ahead my mam would commit suicide! I'm now despairing of ever being able to move out, fearing that I'll be expected to live with my parents until they die and then take over from my mam as my sister's carer.

Have I ended up becoming a carer for my mam without even realizing it, and does anyone here have any ideas for how I can get out of my situation? (I am considering taking advantage of my workplace counselling scheme, but I am also looking for more practical suggestions.)
hey, I guess that you don't have to be desperate, because there are a lot of dating sites, simply you have to find a suitable one in order to find there a soul mate. Really, I guess that your main problem is uncertainty in yourself. By the way, do you realize that your age is only a number of lived years and nothing more, and, you know, my friend is the prove of this statement. He was lucky to find a girl from Russia from this bestdatingnow dating site at his 40 years while she is was 23, and you know, I'm happy for them, so, I guess, using that dating site you will certainly find someone!
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#14 of 14 Old 07-30-2019, 07:08 AM
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hey, I guess that you don't have to be desperate, because there are a lot of dating sites, simply you have to find a suitable one in order to find there a soul mate. Really, I guess that your main problem is uncertainty in yourself. By the way, do you realize that your age is only a number of lived years and nothing more, and, you know, my friend is the prove of this statement. He was lucky to find a girl from Russia from this bestdatingnow dating site at his 40 years while she was 23, and you know, I'm happy for them, so, I guess, using that dating site you will certainly find someone!
17 of years difference???
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