I need help now please, DH and I are seperating, what do I do? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have no idea what to do, i will just lay it all out. DH and I are seperating for a week or two.I don't know how to do this. I thought that we could do two night each with the kids. I will go to Foxxymama's House for two nights and then he will go to BIL house for two nights, so that way this kids (5 & 1y/o) will not be moving all around and they can stay in their comfort zone. The scary thing is that I'am **** BFing Mateo. DH had him all night last night and i woke up with rock hard boobs. I went to see Mateo at daycare and he relived me. Is this ok i am so scared for our children. Dh said that they wee fine last night, i copuldn't sleep for crap. I feel like a huge failure and then again iI feel empowered and free, am I crazy?
I am in massive need of advise PLEASE
P.S. We have been married almost 6 years

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all , Loving their daddy, my hubby, our soldier
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#2 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 04:57 PM
 
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I don't think it's EVER a good idea to seperate, unless there is abuse going on. So I'm a bit biased.

It's interesting that you have been married for 6yrs. I think the average length of marriage with kids that ends in divorce is 7yrs. What does this tell me? right around 5-7yrs things change, difficulties come up, arguments occur. The REALITY of life with kids hits in a BIG way. You're comfortable in your roles, and stop doing things to please one another. Kind of going through the motions in a way. And it doesn't work if one person is trying and the other is blah about it. In most cases those are things that can be worked on and repaired with some counseling, communication, and DATING I think people forget in the hustle and bustle of life with kids that taking time out to Romance each other (and i don't mean slam bam thank you ma'am either REAL romance) is essential to maintaining the intemacy of marriage.

It's completly normal to feel free and liberated. Everyone deserves a little vacation from the kids and spouse. This doesn't mean that you don't love your Kids or your husband. It just means that it feels good to be on your own for a little while. That said I still don't think it's a good idea to be living seperatly, how are you going to work on things if you aren't together?
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#3 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *MAMACITA*
I have no idea what to do, i will just lay it all out. DH and I are seperating for a week or two.I don't know how to do this. I thought that we could do two night each with the kids. I will go to Foxxymama's House for two nights and then he will go to BIL house for two nights, so that way this kids (5 & 1y/o) will not be moving all around and they can stay in their comfort zone. The scary thing is that I'am **** BFing Mateo. DH had him all night last night and i woke up with rock hard boobs. I went to see Mateo at daycare and he relived me. Is this ok i am so scared for our children. Dh said that they wee fine last night, i copuldn't sleep for crap. I feel like a huge failure and then again iI feel empowered and free, am I crazy?
I am in massive need of advise PLEASE
P.S. We have been married almost 6 years
I love giving advice, but I don't know enough about your situation, so I'm just going to give you support.

I hope everything works out okay, I hope you are getting lots of hugs from your IRL friends, hope you are getting some counseling. Don't blame you for not being able to sleep, this is big stuff.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#4 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:08 PM
 
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Couldn't read without posting

Seperation is a scary thing, but it will hopefully give you both the time and space you need to work things out. I second what captain optimism said, counselling will really help, even one or two sessions.

Good Luck.




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#5 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:10 PM
 
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Okay, others may disagree with me, but right now I wouldn't worry about splitting time with the kids. In my opinion they need to feel safe and settled. If you are usually with them all the time, you should stay with them all the time. Your husband can come visit them whenever you both agree to, and you can even hang out in another room so he can spend time with them, but if your little guy is used to having mommy there to nurse him anytime, mommy should be there to nurse him anytime. This is especially important if you feel this separation is a short-term thing. Why upset the kids more than you have to?

Sending you huge hugs and prayers for peace....
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#6 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:15 PM
 
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My dh and I seperated at one point for about 10 days and it was awful.I did "feel free" and all that but in the end it became more about my family than myself. I think counseling is your best bet at this point....I know what its like to really TRY to reconnect and all that.I had to change a lot of things and so did dh but we are better for it and I can say I have faith in our marriage again.I personally dont believe in divorce so I would do whatever it took to save my marriage-UNLESS its abusive.Try to focus on the things you love about dh and how he made you feel in the beginning-what about a date nite every two weeks? Dh and I do that-always and it has really helped us be a couple outside of parents.Support and love to you mama.....
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#7 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace
Okay, others may disagree with me, but right now I wouldn't worry about splitting time with the kids. In my opinion they need to feel safe and settled. If you are usually with them all the time, you should stay with them all the time. Your husband can come visit them whenever you both agree to, and you can even hang out in another room so he can spend time with them, but if your little guy is used to having mommy there to nurse him anytime, mommy should be there to nurse him anytime. This is especially important if you feel this separation is a short-term thing. Why upset the kids more than you have to?

Sending you huge hugs and prayers for peace....
I agree. This sounds like good advice to me.
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#8 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks mamas, i just wanted to give a little more info, the relationship is not abusive, he is a workaholic. He can be somewhat controling. I very much feel unloved and unappreicated. I feel like i have no help and that at times I am a single mom. I have tryed so hard, My 5yo is showing signs of aggression and is always angry, i hated that. I want my kids to feel safe and be happy. I am a compete mess and i feel so lost.

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#9 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:22 PM
 
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It's not at all unreasonable for a nursling to stay with Mama for all overnights and see Daddy frequently during the day. It might be less confusing, even for the 5yo, to "live full time" with one parent and "visit" with the other, rather than this back and forth business (I understand that the adults are going back and forth, and the kids are staying put, but it can still be confusing for children.)

Good luck with whatever your future brings- whether that means reconciliation or an amicable divorce. Couples counseling can be a huge help, whether you're able to save your marriage or not.

Ruth, single mommy to 3 quasi-adults
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#10 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:28 PM
 
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I know mama-It is so hard to decide which is best for you and your children...Do you stay and work it out and just grin and bear it pretty much just so that your kids can have both parents at home? Or do you leave and attempt a more healthy way of living on your own? I can say as a child of divorce-AND I am not discrediting the positive side to having both parents at home-but I will say your childrens emotional health is not worth it.You know that-you just said that about you dc's agression.It takes some major soul searching but it sounds like you are working it out in your head. I am sorry you feel lost but you arent alone.(((Hugs)))
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#11 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla


It's not at all unreasonable for a nursling to stay with Mama for all overnights and see Daddy frequently during the day. It might be less confusing, even for the 5yo, to "live full time" with one parent and "visit" with the other, rather than this back and forth business (I understand that the adults are going back and forth, and the kids are staying put, but it can still be confusing for children.)
: Totally and completely yeah.
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#12 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 05:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *MAMACITA*
Thanks mamas, i just wanted to give a little more info, the relationship is not abusive, he is a workaholic. He can be somewhat controling. I very much feel unloved and unappreicated. I feel like i have no help and that at times I am a single mom. I have tryed so hard, My 5yo is showing signs of aggression and is always angry, i hated that. I want my kids to feel safe and be happy. I am a compete mess and i feel so lost.


It's not up to anybody to say if seperation is good or bad. In yoru case, it is something you and your spouse choose to do, so this is the right choice for YOU. Relationships don't always have to be abusive to create severe emotional turmoil and depression. No person should have to live life unhappy or depressed due to a negative relationship where you don't feel loved or wanted.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but hopefully the time apart will allow you both to regroup and look at the realtionship in a different light, hopefully a more positive one. And while a seperation may actually make one or both of you realize this marraige isn't going to work out in the long term, dont' allow that to discourage you from seeing a positive future. I've been divorced, it's so hard at first, but my life is amazing now, and I am so very happy with the way things turned out in the end.

Best of luck to you.

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#13 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 08:29 PM
 
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Mamacita-
I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so confusing and strange, but I don't think the feeling of freedom and empowerment is at all bad. It is natural. The only thing I would say is that your one year old definately needs to be with you if you are used to on demand feedings. It just isn't fare to cut a baby off like that, so I think the staying with you and dad visiting may just be the best thing, and actually give the kids more of a sense of normalcy, then the trading parents thing. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you and your family.


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#14 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 09:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace
Okay, others may disagree with me, but right now I wouldn't worry about splitting time with the kids. In my opinion they need to feel safe and settled. If you are usually with them all the time, you should stay with them all the time. Your husband can come visit them whenever you both agree to, and you can even hang out in another room so he can spend time with them, but if your little guy is used to having mommy there to nurse him anytime, mommy should be there to nurse him anytime. This is especially important if you feel this separation is a short-term thing. Why upset the kids more than you have to?
i agree with this. your husband can't provide nutrition for your son, YOU are not just nursing him but *feeding* him. i could also go on for hours about the attachment children have to their mother that they don't share with their father, especially at a very young age. maybe i'm biased, but i believe you should not have to be separated from your kids.

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#15 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 10:23 PM
 
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No advice



Take care of yourself and your babies.

 

 

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#16 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 10:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *MAMACITA*
Thanks mamas, i just wanted to give a little more info, the relationship is not abusive, he is a workaholic. He can be somewhat controling. I very much feel unloved and unappreicated. I feel like i have no help and that at times I am a single mom. I have tryed so hard, My 5yo is showing signs of aggression and is always angry, i hated that. I want my kids to feel safe and be happy. I am a compete mess and i feel so lost.
I agree with this
Quote:
I don't think it's EVER a good idea to seperate, unless there is abuse going on. So I'm a bit biased.
I agree therapy/counseling should always be tried if there is no violence.

first of alll BIG hugs to you mamacita
after reading that first quote of yours, the thought comes to mind that your dh is very sucky, flaky and self absorbed. I tend to think that the children should NOT be unsupervised under the care of a self absorbed sucky man. Undoubtedly they NEED their father, I wonder though if you two staying together will be the best option for them. As you could provide the stability and selfelesness that they need and they can still see daddy. If you are apart then he will have full reign over his time with them, including maybe marrying a like minded self absorbed woman who would also have a part in raising your kids.
I heard a woman speaking of this the other day, she divorced her dh b/c he sucked as a dad but soon found out that it was even worse for the kids b/c he had full control over the visitation times with the kids (of course) so the kids had to deal with him alone.
And I would not leave nursling alone over night, that makes the baby suffer, imo. with all the upheaval, nursing is very soothing.
HTH

Ely -Mommy to many
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#17 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 10:53 PM
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I've been married 20 years and my DH were seperated twice, once about 6 years and once earlier on. The last time was for about 2 weeks, though I didn't know what would happen going into it.


What you should do now, is breathe. Just try to relax and breathe and think. Think about what you have, and what you had.

And I hesitate to point this out, but feel I have to. Your kids comfort zone is not your house. Divorce can't be made ok for the kids. It's scary and tough and the effects last a life time.

No judgement meant, I divorced my first H. But my DD has always had trouble dealing with it, as do most kids.

I'd visit and nurse in between times. Or I'd have him come over and spend the night, but not for such long periods of time.

Be carefula nd good luck. THis is a tough situation.
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#18 of 35 Old 09-12-2005, 11:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by coopnwhitsmommy
I don't think it's EVER a good idea to seperate, unless there is abuse going on. So I'm a bit biased.

It's interesting that you have been married for 6yrs. I think the average length of marriage with kids that ends in divorce is 7yrs. What does this tell me? right around 5-7yrs things change, difficulties come up, arguments occur. The REALITY of life with kids hits in a BIG way. You're comfortable in your roles, and stop doing things to please one another. Kind of going through the motions in a way. And it doesn't work if one person is trying and the other is blah about it. In most cases those are things that can be worked on and repaired with some counseling, communication, and DATING I think people forget in the hustle and bustle of life with kids that taking time out to Romance each other (and i don't mean slam bam thank you ma'am either REAL romance) is essential to maintaining the intemacy of marriage.

It's completly normal to feel free and liberated. Everyone deserves a little vacation from the kids and spouse. This doesn't mean that you don't love your Kids or your husband. It just means that it feels good to be on your own for a little while. That said I still don't think it's a good idea to be living seperatly, how are you going to work on things if you aren't together?
I totally agree
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#19 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 01:36 AM
 
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Separating was the absolute best thing that we could have done for our marriage. We would not be the happy couple that we are today had we not lived on out own and learned to be independant.

What we did was I had Wes during 5 days during the week and he had him those evenings (pick him up after work and drop him off before work) and I had seth 2 nights a week while he had him during those days. Because I was working 4 nights a week so I couldn't keep him during those nights.

It worked out pretty well (we were actually separated over a year) but we had to be "ready" to get back together and work on things while we were apart.
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#21 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 02:30 AM
 
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#22 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 02:31 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace
Okay, others may disagree with me, but right now I wouldn't worry about splitting time with the kids. In my opinion they need to feel safe and settled. If you are usually with them all the time, you should stay with them all the time. Your husband can come visit them whenever you both agree to, and you can even hang out in another room so he can spend time with them, but if your little guy is used to having mommy there to nurse him anytime, mommy should be there to nurse him anytime. This is especially important if you feel this separation is a short-term thing. Why upset the kids more than you have to?



I also agree. If my dh and I separated then he would move or I would move with my ds - but either way the baby would stay with me. Especially if I was nursing.
I understand needing a break though. Really I do. Sorry you're dealing with this.
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#23 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 02:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hotmom
after reading that first quote of yours, the thought comes to mind that your dh is very sucky, flaky and self absorbed. I tend to think that the children should NOT be unsupervised under the care of a self absorbed sucky man. Undoubtedly they NEED their father, I wonder though if you two staying together will be the best option for them. As you could provide the stability and selfelesness that they need and they can still see daddy. If you are apart then he will have full reign over his time with them, including maybe marrying a like minded self absorbed woman who would also have a part in raising your kids.
I heard a woman speaking of this the other day, she divorced her dh b/c he sucked as a dad but soon found out that it was even worse for the kids b/c he had full control over the visitation times with the kids (of course) so the kids had to deal with him alone.
And I would not leave nursling alone over night, that makes the baby suffer, imo. with all the upheaval, nursing is very soothing.
HTH
WOW, I really think that you are out of line. You don't know my DH, I didn't give too much info,cuz I didn't want people to bash him the way you did. DH works hard to give us a good life, he is an awsome dad, our marriage just needs a little help thats all. He would never go off and marry another woman, nor would I a man. We do love each other, we just needs some time apart. I plan on staying in the house, last night was because i needed a break. We will go to therapy, but to bash others spouse and attack their character is not right, I was actually afraid to post this, cuz I was scared I would get a buch of man haters advise, so far that hasn't happened.

UPDATE
Thanks to all of gave hugs and prayers, we had luch together( the first in 3 years) We did decieded to separate
havn't worked out the sleeping arrangements yet

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all , Loving their daddy, my hubby, our soldier
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#24 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 02:52 AM
 
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I'm so sorry.

However it works out, I hope that your family (whatever form it ends up taking) is healthier for it.

Take care of yourself and your babies.


::::: Married for ten years to my good man :. Mama to my sweet and funny boy and my lovely little girl

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#25 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 03:03 AM
 
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I sooo know how you are feeling

At least you guys will be able to take some time apart and try to work things out. You are in my thoughts
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#26 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 04:51 AM
 
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Girl, you know u arent seperating. You two love each other and you know youll be together forever. Think of how things were when u met, and try to be that honeymooner way once again. You know were here to help...but you gotta let us. either of you is welcome here anytime. And to all of you out there wondering, we have been best friends for years, and I know with all my heart they will be fine, keep them in your hearts and prayers, and please only positive words for our mother in need, negative is so easy to obtain in the world today, it is the positive love that we need to share with one another, especially when hearts are hurt, confused, lonely, tired, angry, just as mamacita. all my love girl,
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#27 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 05:43 AM
 
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I really hope you can find what you feel is best for you. From the few details you posted, it sounds like your marriage is a normal one, in that it is suffering the effects of being busy raising kids, making money, and trying hold on to our own integrity/wants/desires. That being said, I think you are being wise to try to figure out what is going wrong and what you need to change. Good marriages are those that are constantly worked and reworked so that neither partner is sacrificing too much, and that both partners feel fulfilled. I do agree that the 6-7 year is a tough one--not sure why, but this has been the case for most of my married friends. Counseling might be helpful. I think the key is to try to figure out what it is that you need, what you're willing to live with, and what you expect your DH to do/live with/etc. I've found it's really helpful for my DH when I'm really explicit about what I want from him (i.e.--you need to cook 4 nights/week, you need to spend x # of hours with us per day...and then I also say I'm going to cook x # of days, and that I'm planning to spend x of # hours with him, or do certain things I know are important to him). I know everyone is different, but I thought I'd throw that out in case it's helpful.
Hugs to you, no matter what you decide to do.
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#28 of 35 Old 09-13-2005, 11:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *MAMACITA*
WOW, I really think that you are out of line. You don't know my DH, I didn't give too much info,cuz I didn't want people to bash him the way you did. DH works hard to give us a good life, he is an awsome dad, our marriage just needs a little help thats all. He would never go off and marry another woman, nor would I a man. We do love each other, we just needs some time apart. I plan on staying in the house, last night was because i needed a break. We will go to therapy, but to bash others spouse and attack their character is not right, I was actually afraid to post this, cuz I was scared I would get a buch of man haters advise, so far that hasn't happened.

UPDATE
Thanks to all of gave hugs and prayers, we had luch together( the first in 3 years) We did decieded to separate
havn't worked out the sleeping arrangements yet

Mamacita-
The way you just came to your dh's defense tells me a lot about how you feel for him. It sounds like there is a lot of love there, and you will be able to work it out. I will be sending you tranquil thoughts to you, your dh, and your children. Everyone needs a bit of a tuneup once in awhile, and it sounds like that is what you and dh are doing. Best of luck.


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#29 of 35 Old 09-15-2005, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Update

We are still working on thing, we have been both staying in the same house, but we will work through this. I think that we have gotten out of the practice of romancing and being tender with each other. Thank you mamas for all the support!

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all , Loving their daddy, my hubby, our soldier
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#30 of 35 Old 09-15-2005, 08:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by *MAMACITA*
Update

We are still working on thing, we have been both staying in the same house, but we will work through this. I think that we have gotten out of the practice of romancing and being tender with each other. Thank you mamas for all the support!
BTDT
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