How do you tell your 3.5 yr old that you are seperating?? - Mothering Forums
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 3 Old 01-18-2008, 01:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
erinsmom04's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 45
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
E and I are moving out next month and going to live with my mom (back in my hometown)... on top of that I have to change her schools yet again (we just moved out of state in August and are now going back).. While I would love to send her to her old daycare I just cannot afford it... so I found one that I could afford..
anyway.. I am still unsure of how to tell Erin that we are not going to be living with Daddy anymore... She is a very smart 3.5 yr old and I know has picked up on the tension.. and she has started acting out esp. at bedtime and wanting/needing one of us to stay with her (which I am sure is a security issue)...
Any ideas? or help? or just make it a non-issue and say that she and I are moving in with grandma and daddy is going to stay at nan & pop-pop's house???

thanks... I am sure I will have more questions as we do this..
erinsmom04 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 3 Old 01-18-2008, 02:53 PM
 
ShadowMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 4,270
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I remember in my Children of Divorce workshop that children this age are frequently not told about the divorce, and it can cause them to believe it's their fault or that they've done something wrong.

So, I don't have any magical answers or anything, but just based on that I would tell her what's going on, and probably sooner rather than later...

but, she will probably not like it.
ShadowMom is offline  
#3 of 3 Old 01-18-2008, 09:04 PM
 
bu's mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: LI, NY
Posts: 2,815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dd was this age when stbx moved into a separate room in the house & where we no longer did things as a 'family' except in rare cases & 4.5 yo when he finally moved out. I was as straightforward as possible. I stressed that we both loved her very much but we could not get along anymore. We talked about lots of different kinds of families.

I also set the ground rules with x & his parents that there would be *no* disparaging or negative talk in front of her (I'd say in 2 years, it's happened maybe a handful of times total on either of our parts). Also any conversations with dd were definitive...he was not moving back in, we had to do things this way now, etc. so there was no confusion on her end. I don't believe in involving the child in the particulars, but I definitely wouldn't treat it as a non issue.

I also tried to get more attuned to how she was feeling, what triggered her sadness, anger, etc., not to avoid them but I know she had to process the changes also & as difficult as it was for me, it was 100x more for her since she didn't have the skills to sort out her feelings or even really know what she was feeling or why.

I also understood she just needed more...more attention, more understanding, more love, just more. Dd was still in my bed, & she needed that closeness, which was fine by me. I also made sure any promise I made was kept...to pick her up at preschool, to go someplace, etc. I couldn't control anyone else, but I wanted her to have as much consistency and reliability as possible.

Good luck. It's so hard to know what to do.
bu's mama is offline  
Reply


User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 1,228

7 members and 1,221 guests
bimaster , Dovenoir , EfanHouse , KerriB , Kolkad , Michele123 , Patty Pagan
Most users ever online was 21,860, 06-22-2018 at 09:45 PM.