How would you handle this (Easter, family, and the ex)? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 03-09-2008, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
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Background: My ex and I split because he's a serial adulterer. We've remained reasonably friendly with each other -- we can definitely stand to be in the same room with each other for DD's sake. My parents are still very upset with him though.

Easter is coming up in a couple weeks. It's one of the holidays that DD is scheduled to spend with me this year. However, her dad and I have said that if we're in the same city and not doing anything too important, we'll try to give the other parent a chance to see DD during the day. I want to give my ex a chance to see DD, but I'm not sure how it's going to go. My parents will be in town for the first time since ex and I split and they are still mad at him. On the one hand, I want to uphold my commitment to let my ex see DD because I'm hoping that he'll return the favor to me (and I have no reason to expect he won't - he's pretty reliable with that sort of stuff) and because I think it's the best thing for DD. But on the other hand, I don't really want to spend Easter all awkward trying to keep my mother from mauling my ex-husband, you know?

The fact is, my ex is going to be at plenty of DD's life events. He'll be at soccer games or dance recitals or whatever... he'll be at her graduation... he'll be at her wedding. So I want to make sure these types of things go smoothly for DD, for me, for my family, and, if possible, for my ex. This is my opportunity to lay the groundwork for how we are going to positively co-parent for the rest of DD's life. What are your best tips for handling these types of situations?

Robin, strong and happy single mama to Anna (7/06)
"Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai découvert en moi un invincible été."
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#2 of 3 Old 03-09-2008, 04:41 PM
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I always invited my ex to holidays and family events (until he cut off contact with dd at age 4). I was also invited to all his family events too.
My brother never liked my ex, and liked him even less when I left him. But I told my brother that for dd, he needed to be at least polite/non-confrontational with my ex. Once we all got used to the arrangement it worked much better than I thought it would.

Talk to your parents. Tell them this isn't about them, or you, or your ex. This is for your child. When my brother focused on the fact that being polite to my ex was a benefit for my dd it was easier for him not to want to attack him (which is what he wanted to do, seriously he hates the guy). After a few events my brother could be friendly, so sometimes it takes a little time.

I would talk to your family, tell them how much this means to you. Tell them being nice to ex isn't for his benefit as much as it's for their grandchild.

Good luck.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#3 of 3 Old 03-09-2008, 06:51 PM
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your mom needs to suck it up and do what is best for your dd. I know it has to suck. he hurt you, her baby, but this really is in your dds best interest. Your little girl is lucky to have parents who act so reasonably to each other.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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