Me=mean mami. :( Long. - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 15 Old 10-23-2008, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I suck.

My poor baby has been sick for the past few days...not sleeping, not eating, yesterday he puked on me right as we were headed out the door so I stayed home with him...he puked one more time, then slept most of the day, woke up and was almost normal...

He's been really clingy and whiny and will scream and cry at the slightest thing. Because he's a TODDLER. And he's SICK. I mean, toddlers are pretty much naturally whiny and cry-ey. Sick, they are doubly so. It's just common sense...he's not doing it to be annoying, or to torment me, it's just where's he's at right now. I know that.

And yet, what do I do? I get all p*ssy and ask him why he keeps crying, making it all about me, while he gets progressively more upset, because all he wants is his mami to comfort him. I got soooooooo grumpy yesterday and today...I've never even raised my voice to him, but I did yesterday and this morning.

I haven't been sleeping well, either, and I'm exhausted and stressed about him and work, but I'm an adult. I should have control over these things. He looks to me to set a good example, and I fail miserably. *I* tantrum. How can I expect him not to?

Yelled at my poor boyfriend this morning too, which freaked Ryo out so bad he was stunned into silence...they've been bonding really well lately, and I think he was hurt for him, too.

I feel like freeze-dried sh*t. I am so, so bad under pressure. I always crumble. I can never tough it out. I nearly always give in to the drama of the moment. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was better. I wish I was nicer and more calm and not so nasty when my needs haven't been met.

I know it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, that we all love each other, and that tomorrow is another day, but I still want to sob. I don't want to be my mother or father, and they always pulled this kind of crap...making everything about them and throwing a fit themselves instead of being mature and present for their children (edited to add: AND PARTNERS! My boyfriend really does his best to help and support me, and this is how I thank him...).

Bah. Ick. Horrible feelings. Must work harder and do better, for my son, my lover, me, and everyone else I come in contact with. I don't want to be the person everyone walks on eggshells around. I don't want my mood swings to control everyone.

Must. Grow. Up.
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#2 of 15 Old 10-23-2008, 02:46 PM
 
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maybe you can go to yoga, I swear it brings out the best in me...
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#3 of 15 Old 10-23-2008, 02:47 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, mama.

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#4 of 15 Old 10-23-2008, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Pranamama -

Yoga would be awesome...went to one class once (long before Ryo was born), felt really good afterwards. Will see if I can find some free classes around somewhere or something. Thanks for the suggestion!

Tilia -

Thanks for the hug.
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#5 of 15 Old 10-23-2008, 05:18 PM
 
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Everyone has a day like that. You just put it behind you the next day and try to make the change. I'm sure your son and everyone else knows your doing the best you can. Yoga just might be the thing. Or even a really good stretch and going for a walk works for me.

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#6 of 15 Old 10-23-2008, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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AKA PI -

I love walks. They almost always do the trick for me, too. Haven't taken one in a few days...

Thanks.
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#7 of 15 Old 10-30-2008, 06:46 AM
 
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Just wanted to give you a And say that I had a few days like yours recently. A teething toddler, and a stressed, tired, working single mama with issues of her own....oh, and PMSing all at the same time. I yelled at my toddler a few times. I felt horrible, but it gets to the best of us at some point. Still, I felt like I shouldn't even be a mother at that point....I felt rotten.

I have to learn from my mom's mistakes and not be that mother, as you. It's so hard to not follow by example. It's hard to become the person/parent you want to be when you've never had that person/parent in your life. Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You" rings so true to me. You? I heard that today and it was a nice reminder.

I would love to try a Yoga class as a PP mentioned. I don't think I'll ever find the time/money for that though. (I'm quite sure I can't bend like all those Yoga-folks either )

Hope things are getting easier for you. Things have been okay the past couple of days here--I just have to be conscience of who I DON'T want to be while dealing with dd.

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#8 of 15 Old 10-30-2008, 10:36 AM
 
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Be gentle with yourself. Single parenting can be tough at times...and single parenting during illness is so taxing on us as parents. You will do better, he will get better and you will have so many other, more positive moments to create.
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#9 of 15 Old 10-30-2008, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Maybaby and MsChats!

His father had him this past week, have had a bit of a break (wish we could all be with him more full-time, working on that...).

Recommitting to being the parent I want to be instead of the one I was influenced to be is something I need and have to do daily. It's a lot of work, but of course, very well worth it.
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#10 of 15 Old 10-30-2008, 08:36 PM
 
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Parenting is a journey. Every part along the way adds experience, opportunity and choice for each person involved. Knowing what hasn't been working often helps us feel more clear about what we really do want to be doing.
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#11 of 15 Old 10-30-2008, 08:42 PM
 
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stress is a bi*ch don't beat yourself over it. maybe have your bf watch ur son for a little whiel u take a nap or maybe go for a walk. we all need a break especially with a sick child. hugs...

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#12 of 15 Old 11-03-2008, 08:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cjuniverse View Post

I suck.

I feel like freeze-dried sh*t. I am so, so bad under pressure. I always crumble. I can never tough it out. I nearly always give in to the drama of the moment. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was better. I wish I was nicer and more calm and not so nasty when my needs haven't been met.

Bah. Ick. Horrible feelings. Must work harder and do better, for my son, my lover, me, and everyone else I come in contact with. I don't want to be the person everyone walks on eggshells around. I don't want my mood swings to control everyone.

Must. Grow. Up.
OK, so everyone has given really good advice to help with stress, but I think I'm hearing, IMHO, the OP say something deeper that I can totally relate with. What I quoted is so exactly how I feel much of the time. My intentions are always good, but I too feel that I crumble when the going gets tough. I hate feeling like this. Am I hearing you right, cjuniverse, that this is the bigger picture? I too feel like my family might walk on egg shells around me, esp my two boys, and it's not a good feeling at all.
So, any suggestions to deal with this bigger picture? I know that exercise/sleep/time alone is great, but for me it just isn't enough to ward off my reactions under stress. Anyone else in this boat and have ideas on solutions?
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#13 of 15 Old 11-03-2008, 09:27 PM
 
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I sometimes feel like that. I suffer from anxiety and depression. Taking good care of myself, my supplements (b-vitamins and fish oil), really helps.

Just a thought.
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#14 of 15 Old 11-04-2008, 01:15 AM
 
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for me what helped was being heard. having a couple of good friends whom i could talk to and vent. and i mean VENT. i never sweared till i separated. but to really have the anger, gult, frustration just rise up and beat up who ever was supposed to be beaten up - either me or my ex - really help. sometimes i didnt have anyone there to listen. but i still did it anyways. to hear myself speak those words thru a flood of tears and snot flying everywhere. just reliving everyone of those moments so helped me.

and then meditating. contemplation. journaling.

CJ you have an almost 3 year old. those are really really hard years to travel through as a mom.

and you say must grow up. do you take good loving care of the little CJ that needs love adn care from CJ herself?

i am glad you got some sleep. that works wonders just by itself.

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#15 of 15 Old 11-04-2008, 02:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am amazed that this thread is still going! Hooray! :

Thank you so very very much mamis for keeping the discussion alive!

Things are always better for me when I LET GO of my expectations, as horribly, horribly difficult as that is. I expect to have time alone. I expect to have time to space out. I expect to have time to write/read/shower whatever. When I 'expect' all of this and then don't get it, I FLIP. I go nuts. I get so, so angry when my expectations aren't fulfilled.

My father was like this. He expected things to be a certain way and when they weren't, he lost it. I don't want to be like this, and the only way I can come up with to avoid it is to stop expecting things, and to accept what comes 'without' expectations.

Which, of course, is just about the most difficult thing EVER to do.

I do need to remember that there is a hurt, scared, freaked out, needy, damaged, confused little one inside of me, too. Thank you, Memee. I often forget that. She needs love and care as well. Sometimes I really need to STOP and hear her little voice whispering/wimpering. She needs me.

My strategy for all of us, then, is to let go. As much as possible, every day. I know how hard that is. Stuff NEEDS to get done sometimes.

But sometimes it does not. Like last night in my family. I put away my expectations and played on the floor with my little one all night. It was...bliss. It really was. We had so much fun together! That rarely happens, sadly, though I do love him immensely, I'm not much for playing with children, even my own. When I let go, when I stopped being all grown up and just enjoyed him as a baby (and, by extension, myself as a child), when I danced and sang and jumped and ran and played ball and let the moment take me, I became the parent I've always wanted to be.

It's not easy. But when it happens, it's so wonderful and beautiful that every ounce of effort to reach it, every uncomfortable change and jarring transition is worth it's weight in platinum.

Love, luck, and gentleness to all of us, as parents and people. We must allow ourselves the humanity we guard in our children. We must remember what it is to play and let go. We can all be the parents we want to be...if we let our babies and our moments guide us.
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