Queer Poly Pregnancy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 06-17-2009, 08:34 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi all,
I've just joined mothering as I found out last week that I'm a few weeks pregnant with my first child (due feb 2010). I was quiet a shock and I'm still adjusting to the whole idea. I have been a lesbian since I was 19 and always assumed I would be going the sperm bank or known donor route for getting pregnant, but imagine my surprise when I got pregnant after messing up my FAM charting with a newish male lover.

Anyway I'm young and not prepared for this whole motherhood thing yet but I figure I've got eight months to get there, so I'm up for the ride. The thing that's been really bothering me since I told my lovers (baby daddy who's I have date night week once a week with for the past four months) and the girlfriend who is my roommate I've been with for the past two have both reacted to this pregnancy in the exact same way. It's almost creepy. This pregnancy was a shock to all of us, I'll say that. And after a few days of thinking about it I've announced to both that I plan to keep it. It's been a week since the pregnancy test and I'm getting the same reaction from both, they say they need time and space to come to deal with it. Neither is interested in sex. Neither has been around the house or helping me out with so much as an offer to make dinner when I've said I'm pooped.

I never expected to feel so lonely! Here I am pregnant, breast aching like mad, morning sick all day and tired as hell and excited about the unexpected turn of events. I am very lucky that I have two relationships but yet I don't feel like I can fully share the pregnancy with either of them. It's so strange. I'm just starting on this parenting thing and already I'm beginning to see some major downsides to my poly choices that I hadn't even thought about. I didn't quiet expect this, anyone else been there? Some experience would be nice.

Organic eating, cloth diapering, no vaxing, cosleeping, breastfeeding mean machine.
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#2 of 5 Old 06-17-2009, 10:14 PM
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I'm sorry you're having such a rough start. It sucks having so little support when you feel godawful.

Give your loves time. I'm hoping at least one will come through for you. In the meantime, start building up whatever support network you can -- family, friends, community resources, counseling, anything.

I, too, screwed up on my charting, so my pregnancy wasn't planned. My girlfriend was angry, but she couldn't stay angry for long. I live apart from my couple, and kept the pregnancy a secret from my dad (who I live with) for three months. Those first few months were hard. There have been times throughout the pregnancy where I've felt hopelessly alone. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less a fellow poly and pregnant woman. That's why it's so important to have people to talk to. They may not understand it, and you might not want to out yourself to everyone, but try to find at least one outlet. I'll volunteer! PM me anytime. I try to be a good listener.

- Born 7/21/09
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#3 of 5 Old 07-01-2009, 09:16 PM
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Conventional sexual morality is an attempt at a solution to the question of "how do we make sure mothers have some help in the job of raising children?" It is not the only possible solution, or even necessarily the best, but if you step outside of it you have to find your own solutions. Also, I suspect the poly lifestyle attracts people who don't want a committment. Two lovers are not necessarily always better than one when you are looking at parenting.

Look at it from your girlfriend's perspective. Did she want kids? She is not biologically the child's mother, she is not your legal wife, she has never met the kid and thus has had no chance to get attached to it. She did not make the "mistake" that brought the kid into existence. She still has the option of walking away and continuing her single lifestyle.

The bio father doesn't necessarily have this option. He bears some responsibility. (If you don't want to be a father, wear a condom). The child is biologically his. On the other hand, if he takes the job of father seriously he is in for a lot of work. Being a parent can cramp your dating style. I get the impression that you are less serious about the relationship with him than you are about that with your girlfriend. He is looking at the prospect of being permananently tied to a lesbian who isn't really interested in men. (lots of men fantasize about lesbians...but the reality of dating someone who isn't that interested in men has draw backs in reality)

For that matter, I understand some lesbian couples don't want the men involved, they want to raise the kid as their own. He may honstly think that is what you want, and think his help would be unwelcome.

On the plus side, you are living a lifestyle I have always fantasized about. Lots of gay people never get to become parents, and you are becoming a parent without having to pay for sperm banks, with two potential co-parents (or at least a potential source of child support). I'm starting to wish I had had children.

You may have done this already, but in case you haven't...
Try talking to them. Try asking for help when you are tired. Reassure the man that you are interested in him. When the child is born, try to involve both as much in the kids life as you can. A fetus is an abstraction. A baby is an adorable commercial for parenting. Until then se if you can get either of them to go to doct'r appointments with you. (Studies show that is the best predictor of parental involvement).
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#4 of 5 Old 07-04-2009, 03:51 PM
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i guess sitting down (the three of you) and having a serious talk is in order. what do you all WANT? what are you willing to do for the sake of a baby? what are you not willing to do? is this baby a "dealbreaker" with any of your partners? you need to know NOW, to avoid stress and confusion later.

best of luck to you, mama. being a mam-to-be is hard enough, without partner drama.

Mama to a 3 year old awesome kid, Rowan (aka Mister Boopy) and TTC another at 43!

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#5 of 5 Old 07-05-2009, 05:15 AM
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hey basje,
another queer-pregnant-poly-head weighing in, tho my fetus was conceived after 2 years of inseminating on and off, but my LT (5.5 years) DP has also been on and off the idea of baby making for that duration of time. I echo Lil--what does everybody want?? I think a HUGE Brainstorming session is in order. Have everybody work on this together (could that work? do both your partners get along? both comfortable with one another?) and try to create a space where everyone can offer up all kinds of ideas with as little judgment and hurt feelings as possible. Suspend emotional realities, suspend the judgment of others, suspend economic restrictions just for 1 hour and see how many different configurations you all can come up with for your future. I think ground rules would be very important like "No plans can exclude anyone other than yourself" that way you wouldn't have to deal with partner1 creating a plan like "you dump partner 2" or any other suggestions that would deeply harm either relationship. Our current family configuration, ie me as a single mom while living with my DP, and all of the boundaries and expectations could only have been created through deep honest discussions of our rather different needs.

11/24/08 SMBC with a loving LTR DP in a Queer & Poly relationshiploving my new baby Kale Cqolbi Justice!!!!!
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