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#271 of 1038 Old 05-23-2008, 10:18 AM
 
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Quiet. Ho-hum.
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#272 of 1038 Old 05-23-2008, 01:20 PM
 
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Pretty quiet here too...

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#273 of 1038 Old 05-23-2008, 01:20 PM
 
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So, DH and I have this friend. He's poly and we both think he's awesome and we've kind of fooled around with him (once) a couple of months ago... and we're going on a vacation with him this summer. He offered to buy DH's plane ticket... so we're all going on a trip to Europe!

My fantasy generator is working waaay overtime. I have all these idyllic visions in my head of a 3 way relationship. I do suspect that the fantasy is better than the reality would be. I worry that DH would be hurt and I never want that to happen.

I do have a faint hope, though. I will just have to wait and see how things progress. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I did recently have a realization though - I think I often enjoy the anticipation even more than the actual event. Is that weird? Not that I don't enjoy things when they happen, because I do... but the tease is just as good.


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#274 of 1038 Old 05-25-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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Very much the same here- quite! :

Although I am not sure I really have time to dedicate myself to anything above what I have- and living in the ULTRA conservative town I do, I find that the ultra religious seem to flock to me- so I live "in the closet" all the time. It is emotionally exhausting and just plain hard!

The girl I had wrote about a few months back- well- not really sure what the hell happened- I started feeling really stalked by her. And when I talked to here her stories always equaled out- however, I was seeing things in the cyber world (like a person coming to my blog from her state when she said she was in another state)- just weird things- when I asked her about it- she was like "I would NEVER!- yad ya...." OKAAAYYEEEEE............ Then she just kinda dropped off the face of the earth!

Oh wouldn't it feel nice to feel normal and not like a freak? And oh wouldn't it feel nice to have that part of longing filled?

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#275 of 1038 Old 05-27-2008, 10:36 AM
 
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My life has actually gotten quite insane. I'd like to think it's just the really stormy part of changing for the better, but for now it just seems rather a lot. And I'm sorry, but I really don't think Ican be more clear here without violating the UA.

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#276 of 1038 Old 05-27-2008, 12:04 PM
 
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So, DH and I have this friend. He's poly and we both think he's awesome and we've kind of fooled around with him (once) a couple of months ago... and we're going on a vacation with him this summer. He offered to buy DH's plane ticket... so we're all going on a trip to Europe!

My fantasy generator is working waaay overtime. I have all these idyllic visions in my head of a 3 way relationship. I do suspect that the fantasy is better than the reality would be. I worry that DH would be hurt and I never want that to happen.

I do have a faint hope, though. I will just have to wait and see how things progress. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I did recently have a realization though - I think I often enjoy the anticipation even more than the actual event. Is that weird? Not that I don't enjoy things when they happen, because I do... but the tease is just as good.
Wow, you're already living my fantasy life! A trip to Europe? Sign me up!

And, yes, poly life is not all glamour. I'm wondering if DP at home today and still in bed when I left has clean clothes to wear - laundry is my task. I'm also hoping he's not cranky that I blended a wooden spoon in with the smoothies this morning. I had to dump them, I've picked bits of silicone out before, and we drank 'em after they bits were all accounted for, but splinters is a little too much, even for me.

And, you know - there are tumbleweeds of cat fur on our living room floor, and the dog needs to be walked, and....

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#277 of 1038 Old 05-28-2008, 09:19 AM
 
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Things are pretty crazy here - generally and on the poly front. If I'm honest it's all a bit tough right now. DH has a girlfriend, and the 3 way dynamics just aren't working. I'm not comfortable, but I can't quite work out how to make it work. He is also having 'fun' with a girl at work - which in itself is cool, but just compounds some of the issues right now.
I on the other hand have been insanely busy finishing up my degree. I'm stressed and exhausted, and don't really have the time for dating. Although there is a guy, who I am finding myself inappropriately falling in love with. He is twice my age, and has just come out of a relationship he has been in as long as I've been alive . He is a mutual friend of DH and I, and we also know his exDP, and obviously he is fragile and messed up - which I am also somewhat now. So all round it is not a place I should be going.
Mmmm sorry that turned into a vent. But yeh it's only in the last 6 months this poly dynamic has really been tested for us, and DH is having a great time and I'm left feeling very unsure.
Is it just a tough time or am I not really cut out for poly?
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#278 of 1038 Old 05-28-2008, 03:57 PM
 
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Poly is a balancing act. Your life sounds hectic. I'd say ride the wave and see how things settle when life isn't so kooky.

My poor DP's long distance GF just poofed on him again. You'd think he'd just let her be. He knows she only comes back between live-in relationships and she goes through them faster than well... It's interesting to watch from the outside.

I think he's done this time. I hope so. She needs to grow up and since she is older than he is, don't know if that is going to happen anytime soon.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#279 of 1038 Old 06-01-2008, 09:04 PM
 
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just saying hi. haven't talked with dh about poly yet but i did just send him a letter linking to the meaning of poly and this thread. i naively searched the internet for a little quiz or something for "is poly for me?" our relationship has never been normal but we are a good match. one of the biggest things that i think i want out of poly (am i allowed to dream beyond hope or should i stay in the realm of reality?) first is to have someone like me with similar interests and somone who is really alot like and yet totally different from dh. in the long term (and out of reality i might think) is to find an OSO who wants to have another family unit with me. dh and i's biggest dissagrement is # of kids. i would love to find someone with whom could support and want another family unit. although maybe not living under the SAME roof then on the same land together. i dream of having a huge homestead with my entire family, FIL (his only family), kids, and our OSO's with gardens and animals but close to a huge city that will provide hours and hours of entertainment for our huge clan.

i think the biggest steps right now are to see and discuss a future of poly and figuring out if dh is going to be able to take that risk (military).
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#280 of 1038 Old 06-04-2008, 08:45 PM
 
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http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/200...m=/mwt/feature

Here's a personal essay on Salon.com that has readers weighing in with opinions and arguments about polyamory, monogamy, "group marriage," and parenting. I thought it was interesting... some knee-jerk hostility, but not 100%.
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#281 of 1038 Old 06-05-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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Just wanted to pop in and say hi.

I am living a poly lifestyle.
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#282 of 1038 Old 06-05-2008, 04:59 PM
 
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I'm wondering, for those who are living in a polyamorous relationship - do people know about it? Your friends? Family? Kids?

That's the biggest issue for me - I'm not good at keeping secrets but I don't know if it's something that people should know about. Currently it's just DH and me, but I'd like to get more serious with a third person...


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#283 of 1038 Old 06-05-2008, 07:34 PM
 
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My situation is complicated. As I'm a happily married queer. The complicated part? I'm married to a man. He's not ok with my sexuality, my lifestyle and will not support it. Yet leaving me to do nothing but let everyone else know about my lifestyle.

Now that I put myself out there...ugh.
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#284 of 1038 Old 06-06-2008, 11:56 AM
 
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It sounds like you're in a really unhappy place right now. But I would strongly suggest not having any other relationships unless either you end the marriage or gain his consent. At the very least, I wouldn't call it poly. The consensual part is sort of non-negotiable.
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#285 of 1038 Old 06-06-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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It sounds like you're in a really unhappy place right now. But I would strongly suggest not having any other relationships unless either you end the marriage or gain his consent. At the very least, I wouldn't call it poly. The consensual part is sort of non-negotiable.
I agree.

I'm as out poly as I am bi or, well, anything. For me, poly isn't a thing that I do, but a thing that I am. I don't do secrets very well. When casual conversations lead to mention of myself or my husband dating someone, no one has batted an eye--or questioned it further.
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#286 of 1038 Old 06-06-2008, 01:41 PM
 
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I'm semi-out. It's not a closely-guarded secret, but it's not something I tend to tell people who aren't potential sexual partners or close friends. I outed myself to one of my co-workers last year when he designed a questionnaire to measure "faithfulness" and wanted to use it in our research study. I told him the instructions needed to specify more clearly that what he meant by "committed relationship" was "a relationship you know is supposed to be exclusive." He wouldn't do that but he did change the name of the questionnaire to Sexual Exclusivity, which is a more accurate description of what it measures. He has major attitude about monogamy being superior, based largely on his personal prejudices since he could find almost no existing research on the subject, so it was a tense discussion and put a big wedge in our working relationship for a while.

Thanks for the link, BabySlinger. Cool article. I particularly appreciate his point about the divorce/breakup, not the poly, being the bad part for him.

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#287 of 1038 Old 06-08-2008, 03:07 AM
 
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I'm wondering, for those who are living in a polyamorous relationship - do people know about it? Your friends? Family? Kids?

That's the biggest issue for me - I'm not good at keeping secrets but I don't know if it's something that people should know about. Currently it's just DH and me, but I'd like to get more serious with a third person...
considering i happen to live with my partners and all of our kids, yeah, i am out to the kids...and everyone else...its displayed on my bumper, and i make no secret of who/what i am...those that dont understand ask their questions...those that dont agree have either found a way to deal with it, or have moved on...my friends tend to be jealous (cause who wouldnt be able to have it all), my family has been VERY slow to coming around and being ok with it, and the kids are just fine...

peace...

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#288 of 1038 Old 06-10-2008, 10:48 AM
 
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Yes my dh knows I'm queer. He knows I have a gf. He isn't supportive of it and doesn't participate in this lifestyle. I'm sorry if anything I've previously posted countered what I meant.

I'm happily married, as we have a great friendship and enjoy co-parenting our children.

The unhappy part is I can't be with my gf right now. She lives in another country. She is also married. Her dh knows of our situation, doesn't support it but also loves his marriage enough to work through it. As my dh and I are.

In the end dh and I will be co-parenting only, divorced. Just right now that's not what any of us are ready for just yet.

I'm sorry if this isn't Poly. I truely apologize for considering my situation poly. I thought no matter the support. As long as you openly love more than one person and be in a relationship with more than one. My husband doesn't participate, nor does he support it. However he is trying to understand it.

Does that make any sense.

Again my apologizes.
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#289 of 1038 Old 06-10-2008, 11:18 AM
 
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I consider PhantasyMama to be poly. Just as someone can be Catholic even if her husband is opposed to Catholicism, doesn't support her being Catholic, is upset because he thought he'd married an atheist, but lets her go to church and tell people she's Catholic. It's a difficult situation for both of them but it isn't not-polyamory. I wouldn't call it non-consensual; he KNOWS about it and is allowing it to happen.

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#290 of 1038 Old 06-10-2008, 01:00 PM
 
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I think they were grumbling about the non-consensual issue.

The impression I got from her OP was that husband was not aware.

With her clarification, I consider her poly as well.

Have many mono/poly friends that are very happy and comfortable in their relationships.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#291 of 1038 Old 06-10-2008, 02:23 PM
 
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I consider PhantasyMama to be poly. Just as someone can be Catholic even if her husband is opposed to Catholicism, doesn't support her being Catholic, is upset because he thought he'd married an atheist, but lets her go to church and tell people she's Catholic. It's a difficult situation for both of them but it isn't not-polyamory. I wouldn't call it non-consensual; he KNOWS about it and is allowing it to happen.
That was a better way to put it. That is exactly how our situation is. Thank you for helping me explain it better. I'm sorry for those that were confused. I didn't mean any harm or to start labeling my situation. I know it's a serious issue and isn't meant to be tagged around like it's not.

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I think they were grumbling about the non-consensual issue.

The impression I got from her OP was that husband was not aware.

With her clarification, I consider her poly as well.

Have many mono/poly friends that are very happy and comfortable in their relationships.
Yes once I went back and read my post I realized it didn't really leave it clear. Sorry

I too know of a few mono/poly friends that are in very complicated relationships similar to mine and are very happy in their lifestyle today. Not saying I'm happy in my lifestyle everyday, but I'm happier living in this lifestyle as opposed to not.
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#292 of 1038 Old 06-10-2008, 10:58 PM
 
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I suppose I should say a bit more about my situation now...

Am I "out?" Not exactly. I'm not hiding it (except from Mike's family) but I'm not exactly advertising either, if you know what I mean. I don't have that many friends in real life; The ones I am making, I'm being out with.

Mike and I have been married for... It'll be nine years in October. Being monogamous has always been a strain on me, but I did it for his sake for a long time before I cracked. He was refusing to pay any attention to me at all, and it made me absolutely miserable. This past year has been rough on many fronts, I've only recently started pulling out of it.

In any case, Mike and I are living together and being amicable (if not intimate). He's aware that I'm poly, and if he doesn't think of it as ideal, at least he is supportive of me being happy and well. I have been with others since I made this declaration. He has not, but has been thinking about it a bit. It's a lot more work for him than it is for me. We are currently redefining our relationship, and have no idea how it will emerge from this time of transformation... but I am talking, rather than keeping silent, and Mike is glad for that because I'm a lot easier to deal with when I'm not carrying heavy secrets around all the time.

Mike's family would no doubt FLIP. Well, his father would FLIP-- his sister is getting married (and thus occupied) and his mother is more relaxed than that (she flips, rather than FLIPS ).

Wow. Feels weird writing it out.

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#293 of 1038 Old 06-11-2008, 10:26 AM
 
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I am out. Some of my family knows, some doesn't... or maybe they choose not to know, you know? It kinda like my paganism.

Don't advertise but it's there. Nothing like being asked how I know two of my best friends and I say they are my husband's exs and then have to answer no, he didn't know them before we were married.

DP and I defined ourselves as poly long before we married. So friends who give a hoot know.

People are very capable of ignoring what is in front of them.

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#294 of 1038 Old 06-11-2008, 07:45 PM
 
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I'm out, but it's become a more complicated thing now that I'm in a triad with two guys who had been together for about five years before I came along, and we all live together, which is a new level of out.

Sometimes it's complicated. When I was out with the girl-I-used-to-date, I would tend not to talk about my partner, lest someone misunderstood and thought I meant her, when I in fact meant my now-ex partner, my former boy.

One of my partners got his job through a poly connection, so he's out at work, I guess. He's new there, we'll see how it goes.

The other is out at work as trans and queer and he takes our other partner to work functions. Between the three of us, we've decided to present ourselves as a family, but not necessarily as partners at work, so I am planning to attend a work-and-family function, which will include his co-workers and their partners, kids, etc, but the two of them attend work-and-partners events without me.

Neither of them attends my work functions, at least so far. I'm a grad student, so it's a bit different.

I'm kind of a freak, so I can get away with more, the way I see it.

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#295 of 1038 Old 06-11-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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Since my last post in this thread (on page 13), my family has been through a lot. My BF and I broke up 3 months ago as the chaos of being poly was getting to him and he was thick into some depression that had apparently been building for years. I sunk into a deep depression too and did some really stupid things. But a month ago BF and I decided to give it another go and things are going great. He stayed in the house through it all which I think helped a lot. We had to face each other's depression and still function as housemates. And the kids didn't process a break up since he was still living here. Now we are talking more openly than before and we are both doing much better.

Now our family is me, DH of 10 years, BF of 1.5 years and our kids. DH has 2 GFs, one is long distance and has her own family and the other is local and spends more time at our house than hers. In fact, two of her bunnies live here. She's in the excruciating process of divorce with all her pets in limbo while they sell the house and deal with the details.

We are pretty open. I mean, we don't carry a banner around stating it, but when the neighbor asked about the two men, I answered honestly. When we deal with the kids stuff we use our relationship to them rather than our relationships with each other. So we just call BF their "stepdad" and the kids wanted a title for him so that works for them too.

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#296 of 1038 Old 06-22-2008, 08:57 PM
 
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Hi everyone,

I haven't had time to read this whole thread but was really excited to see this here! My partner and I live a poly lifestyle. I have one three year old and she has 3 year old twins and an older daughter. My partner has three other partners and although I was initially her 'primary' I've lost the need to hold this label as I realise she loves us all equally (but differently). I have someone who feels like a good friend to me but who I'm also intimately involved with at times.

We are open about our lifestyle to the kids and have a non-traditional traditional Sunday dinner most Sundays when me and 2 of her other partners all get together.

I have to say that I've never had any problems with the poly side of our relationship, it's the step family issues around each having our own kids and trying to combine the family (we don't live together) which always bring up the problems for us. Great to see this thread!
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#297 of 1038 Old 06-24-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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So far we haven't had many formal rules or boundaries. DH and I have recently started dating a new person and... wow. I am twitterpated.

I feel like, for things to progress and for everyone to stay happy and avoid resentment, we might need to start having rules. The only one we really have (aside from using condoms) is a promise to be honest.

I've been trying to do some research on what sorts of rules work for other people... and of course everything just says you have to make your own rules. Which I understand but I think it would be helpful to have a starting point to even talk about them.

Links? Book suggestions? Rules that have worked for you, and rules that have not worked?


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#298 of 1038 Old 06-24-2008, 03:54 PM
 
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Have you read this? http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=429045 or this response to that article? http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2...uples-use.html

Our "rules" have evolved. And change and warp and get forgotten, brushed off and commited to again.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it." - Alan Kay

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#299 of 1038 Old 06-24-2008, 05:08 PM
 
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Our rules:
1. Take reasonable safety precautions and use good judgment.
2. Always come home when you said you would and communicate any changes of plans ASAP.
3. Tell me all the important parts!

Mama to a boy EnviroKid
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12 years old and a girl EnviroKid
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3 years old!
I write about parenting, environment, cooking, and more.
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#300 of 1038 Old 06-24-2008, 06:36 PM
 
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Years ago I read a book called The Ethical Slut. It talks about having multiple non-traditional open relationships in a healthy way. I'd recommend it.


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