Poly Families - Page 14 - Mothering Forums
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#391 of 1038 Old 09-04-2008, 11:09 PM
 
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that's really great news hera

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#392 of 1038 Old 09-07-2008, 02:46 AM
 
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Joining tribe...

Was wondering if any of ya could hop on over to the "Parents as Partners" section and offer me advice. Here or there is fine, I just don't want to repost it.
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#393 of 1038 Old 09-07-2008, 07:12 AM
 
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Joining tribe...

Was wondering if any of ya could hop on over to the "Parents as Partners" section and offer me advice. Here or there is fine, I just don't want to repost it.
I don't have access to that area. Kind of an odd policy they have here about that. Ah well.
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#394 of 1038 Old 09-07-2008, 08:54 AM
 
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I replied over there for you

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#395 of 1038 Old 09-07-2008, 05:31 PM
 
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I don't have access to that area. Kind of an odd policy they have here about that. Ah well.
Ah hell...I will just repost then : /
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#396 of 1038 Old 09-07-2008, 05:32 PM
 
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I basically married my best friend. It was the result of becoming pregnant by accident, and being bullied by his religious fam, and of course out of duty to my child (wanting her to have a stable home and whatnot). However having known him for many years beforehand, he knew I was not the monogamous type, nor heterosexual.

His upbringing was fairly strict and religious ( I won't get into which one ). At any rate, knowing my rather promiscuous(at the time) and non-monogamous lifestyle, still wanted to date me. When we first began, I told him, we would try it out, see what happened, and then I became pregnant...and quite ill.(Lyme)

Do not misunderstand me. I do not want to leave him, divorce, any of that, nor does he. However I am tired of trying to become what he appears to want me to be...a monogamous, straight, conservative woman. I simply never have been, and never will be. Never (to my knowledge) have I led him to believe I would be anything other than what I was when we began to casually date. A few years have passed where I have realized I have been trying to fit into a mold that he wants, and I am not content with it. We have been reevaluating these things, and It is clearly frightening him. I don't want him to lose it but, should I just do what he wants, and hope someday I will be at peace? Help me out sisters...

My thoughts:

To me, marriage seems like it is shoved into this cookie cutter mold, of a two people union, and anything other than that is not only wrong but rather disturbing (so I have heard those say). Why are other forms of marriage, or union seen as wrong? Why does it have to be only two people? I don't get this, and I don't think I ever will. But, I guess I am just not the jealous type, who knows.

I realize bad things can happen, people can become taken advantage of, but doesn't the same thing happen in a "closed" union? If I had to describe myself accurately, I would call myself Poly-fidelitous. Meaning that I have, and would like to practice being commited to more than one person. For me it is not just about the physical, it is about sharing emotions, and bonding with others. I think poly's have a bad rap for just wanting an excuse to quote " Be able to sleep around ". That really offends me, and hurts. I simply don't see why it is so bad, especially if all parties agree to it. (Which is the basic issue I am having.)

Thanks for listening to my nonsensical drivel.


*reposted from "Parents as Partners"
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#397 of 1038 Old 09-08-2008, 03:28 PM
 
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Jeanne d'Arc:

When my DP/H and I started dating, I was very upfront with him about my bi/poly ways. He told me he was ok with it until we were pregnant. Then he said "but I thought all that would change when you were pregnant with my child..." So to make this story short, we got married and spent 5 years trying to have a monogamous relationship. But, pregnant with #2, I started to snap. We talked and talked for months about it and then when DS was 3 months old, my DP brought home another woman and the poly began. The first year or two was difficult and we fought a lot. But it gets better every year.

So here's my advice from my own experience: Talk! Talk about everything, every emotion, thought, memory. Talk it all out together till it hurts. Give yourselves breaks here and there to do something enjoyable together and then get back to the talking. Read books together (The Ethical Slut?), look at websites together (Polyfamilies?), and talk about what you see/read/think/feel. Open up to him and let him know how you are feeling. See if you can be yourself and still be happy with him. Let him see who you are and see if he's happy with you. See what will work for both of you. But be true to yourself. For your sake and for the sake of your family. Life is too short to try to fit someone else's mold.

And good luck. We're here for you if you need to talk.

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#398 of 1038 Old 09-08-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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We are another marriage that was poly from day one. We talked long and hard before we even got married (essentially married for his insurance). We've had our ups and downs, I've been driven crazy by one of his on again and off again gfs and he's dealt with his insecurities and the fact that I just don't get jealous.

Communication. Clear calm communication. I've written letters and read them aloud to keep things calm.

Counseling with a poly-friendly (or at least kink-friendly) therapist has been helpful to many of my poly friends. Find a support group locally or on-line were you can ask those pointed questions and vent.

Besides Ethical Slut, I recommend - Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits and Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#399 of 1038 Old 09-08-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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wanted to say hi i'm still here reading, wishing, hopeing. i just ordered ethical slut and roadmaps from amazon (had a gift cert made them $2 total!!).

i feel like a horrible person for wanting to plunge headfirst into this...for not being strong enough to bury it and to live without. i mean i live without plenty of stuff why should this be different? why do *I* need it. love dh, don't want to destroy it but stuck so i wonder if i LOVE him or love him or don't at all. don't feel stuck, feel caught by society and money more than my actual marriage.
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#400 of 1038 Old 09-08-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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#401 of 1038 Old 09-09-2008, 05:33 PM
 
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Hello! I just wanted to jump on in and join you all. My DP and I are VERY VERY interested in having a poly relationship. I am bi and we are hoping to find us a long term GF. : We are still discussing it and deciding what we want and the boundries and such. Obviously we were not poly to begin with (although my XDH and I were and things went sour), and so does anyone have any advice? We both feel like this is something we are comfortable with and lacking not having. We are very exctied but I don't want to take it too quickly since we have children. I've been reading the posts and they have been helpful, so thank you and I hope to be here to give and gain support.

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#402 of 1038 Old 09-09-2008, 09:47 PM
 
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welcome earthmommy80.
the best advice i can give is lots and lots of open communication.

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#403 of 1038 Old 09-09-2008, 10:15 PM
 
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Hi Earthmommy!

Where in MI are you? I am in Alpena! You MUST tell me if you are close! I need some earthy mamas here! lol :

Welcome!

No advice.... Even with no advice that is still a long story!

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#404 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 11:54 AM
 
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Thanks Majikfaerie, I agree that communication is definately most important! We are very open with talking and know that it is key.

Hey Crayon! I am in metro Detroit, just a block away from the D actually I could use some earthy mama's near by also. I have friends but we are none much alike... in many ways! lol I would love to hear your long story if/when you get the time. You can send me a private message if you would prefer even. What isn't good about learning from others experiences? I had an experience with a poly relationship in the past. We were young though and we both did things we shouldn't have, but I've always been bi and never feel fulfilled without the companionship of a woman. Anyways... hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday!

Peace!

ETA: If there was anything any of you wish you had done differently from the begining what would it be? Thanks

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#405 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 02:41 PM
 
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Hi EarthMommy80, and welcome to the board.

I can't contribute much about parenting yet, since our baby isn't due until January, but I can comment on poly stuff, we're pretty good at that! (We are a threesome, my husband and his two wives - but she and I are "just" best friends.)

I don't want to discourage you, but please remember how difficult it is to find ONE partner that is compatible on a long-term basis. It is exponentially more difficult to find someone who feels attracted to you and to your partner while you both are attracted to her, and that the attraction stays similar between all those entities over time. It can happen, rarely, but if you hold out only for that you may be disappointed. It is known in poly circles as the search for the mythical unicorn, often known as the HBB (hot-bi-babe). Many HBBs are turned off when couples approach them so be sensitive to that. Again, it CAN happen, but it's pretty darn rare and difficult to find.

If you can, each of you try to stay open to finding a partner individually. Could be women only or whatever you are comfortable with. Life isn't usually fair and won't hand you both ideal partners at the same time, so be prepared for that and to enjoy some time to yourself now and then. Over time, who knows, one of your partners may grow to love the other partner too. Or not. The important thing is to be as open as possible, and not restrict your search to the one magical person that will "complete" you and your partner. We have found, in our relationship, that we got just what we needed in a love for my husband and a friend for me. And we all still date, too. Fun!

Much good luck and let us know how it goes.

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#406 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 06:57 PM
 
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My DH is helping organize New York City's Poly Pride Day and it's shaping up to be a great weekend! Wanted to let everyone know: http://www.poly-nyc.com/pride I would LOOOOOOOVE to meet other MDC Mamas at a Poly event!

Happy with my DH, 2 kids, dog, fish, and frogs
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#407 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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The mythical unicorn... Yeah, I just want to echo what ktylove said... My DH and I started by looking for one woman for us both and soon realized that we needed to go at it from a different angle. Occasionally a lover will be interested in both of us, but it has never been an equal relationship on all sides. At first it's difficult, but with time we get used to the reality of that. Be open to the possibilities instead of holding on to the mythical unicorn dream.

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#408 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 09:03 PM
 
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We are thinking of treking into the city. It's about 2.5 hours away without traffic, although maybe the train would be a better idea. The picnic and rally would be doable as a family. We are still what iffing and juggling the budget.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#409 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 10:51 PM
 
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I so have no one to talk to about this!

I saw my crush on the bus today and we chatted and somehow it got to personal poly-bi related talk. She seemed interested in my polyness and she's so ultracool. I have NO IDEA how old she is (maybe too young??) or if she's interested in me. What would this really awesome woman want with me? Hmmm...anyway, she makes me feel like I'm on very good drugs. Seriously. I'm a dumbdumb. Oh and my son digs her too. At least if anything ever happens she knows I'm married and poly!
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#410 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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hanno, i don't remember seeing you on the bus?!
:

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#411 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 10:59 PM
 
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hanno, i don't remember seeing you on the bus?!
:

I know better than to get on buses with majik faeries!
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#412 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 11:06 PM
 
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I know better than to get on buses with majik faeries!
smart girl. mother said you never must play with the faeries on the bus.t :
been missin ya

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#413 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 11:08 PM
 
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smart girl. mother said you never must play with the faeries on the bus.t :
been missin ya
ditto X1000 :
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#414 of 1038 Old 09-10-2008, 11:19 PM
 
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ditto X1000 :
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#415 of 1038 Old 09-11-2008, 08:55 AM
 
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The poly nyc thing looks awesome! Figures that'd be right after I have a baby though. Maybe next year. We're only about 2 hours out, too.
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#416 of 1038 Old 09-13-2008, 01:36 PM
 
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subbing

Let me tell you a little about me and maybe you can help me, it's long and I'm sorry for that.

I've just read a little tiny bit on this last night. I had come to a point that I just accept my SO has relationships w women without really telling me. I know he has friendships and I think he has physical relationships. Infidelity has never been a deal breaker for me or him and this just goes against society. I have emotional relationships with men without telling him. We're obviously poly based people, we're just in the closet together with the lights off (meaning we're both in there, we just don't know we are in there together). I think we are each afraid of hurting each other.

I am terrified that I'll break the camels back so to speak if I attempted to openly discuss this,. 15 yrs of marriage I shouldn't be, but I am. I feel like I should bide my time, finish my PhD, get my professor job and then have this conversation, just in case. We have communication problems. We both know we do. We've gone to counseling on this and it was not very useful as we just don't talk. We live separate lives sharing a bed and 4 children. I am quite serious in that statement. I am often the married, but single parent. My SO does do 1 activity with a few of our children, but other than that I'm on my own.

I thought maybe I should live sacrificing my utter happiness and fulfillment until my children were older as I do not want a divorce. I also do not want to disrupt my children'ts "nuclear" family. I do love my SO, he just isn't able to give me the emotional fulfillment I need. I see nothing wrong with accepting my SO for who he is, accepting he will never fill all my needs and filing those needs with the love of someone else at the same time. 1 mostly physical partner and co-parent and 1 emotional partner.

What is so horribly wrong about having my relationship with a dear male friend and accepting my SO has relationships with women? My SO knows he does not meet my emotional needs. He knows I have male friends. He's not the jealous type. Nor do I plan anytime soon to be physically intimate with my dear friend, he's too far away. Which is probably a good thing while I figure out what I want and need.

Can I justify just living our lives in the closet with the lights off? They call it having an affair. But if we are both okay with the other having an affair, what's the problem? Do we really need to "talk about it" and ruin our silent understanding? In other words, I'm happy with the way things are.

Then there is my male friend. He is holding back b/c I am married out of respect for the institution of monogomy, I am sure. Do I risk telling him how I feel, how my marriage is and what I would like from him? I could end up without him as a friend and that would hurt for a long while. We've been friends for 20 yrs. but I've guarded what I tell him since each of us married someone else and he took that step away from me first. His wife, then fiance was jealous of our friendship and I lived in another country at the time. He came back to our friendship just before I got married which I felt was a good sign, all my relationships were where they should be in my head. I am always amazed we pick up our friendship right where we left it. We have a connection which is hard to explain.

Bottom line, I love what I read last night about polyamour. It fits, something finally fits me at least. I love my SO. I love my df. Why should I have to sacrifice one for the other? I shouldn't.

I want to see my df in person. I really long for his warmth. To do that, I have to face my fears or go behind my SO's back. I know facing my fears is the only way to go.
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#417 of 1038 Old 09-13-2008, 11:07 PM
 
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nomariposa, sounds like a tough situation, but i don't see anything wrong with you both having "affairs", as long as you're both okay with that. loads of couples have arrangements like that, some open and honest, and some more of a "dont ask dont tell" policy.
i hear that you don't communicate very well, but at some point, you'll have to talk to him if you want to make a change.

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#418 of 1038 Old 09-14-2008, 12:39 AM
 
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nomariposa, sounds like a tough situation, but i don't see anything wrong with you both having "affairs", as long as you're both okay with that. loads of couples have arrangements like that, some open and honest, and some more of a "dont ask dont tell" policy.
i hear that you don't communicate very well, but at some point, you'll have to talk to him if you want to make a change.
interesting. thanks for pointing out that poly CAN be what we want it to be! i was under the impression that poly MEANT that you had to be open and honest about whats happening but at least telling about it. thanks!
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#419 of 1038 Old 09-14-2008, 03:31 AM
 
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I think it's best, really, to be honest with each other about what's going on. I think if I were in your situation I'd always wonder if he was actually on the same page as me. Also, you are modeling relationships for your children. Is that how you want your children to learn what a relationship should be? Or would you rather your children learn to be open and honest with their partners?

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#420 of 1038 Old 09-14-2008, 04:00 AM
 
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perhaps I should clarify: when i said some couples have a don't ask don't tell arrangement, I didn't mean that they go around behind each other's backs. both partners are aware of and in agreement with the situation, they just choose to keep their outside relationships private.
otherwise it would be cheating, IMO.

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