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#961 of 1038 Old 03-22-2010, 03:26 PM
 
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Typically when i date someone, it's always been me with partners and the gentleman is single. This time i found a fantastic man dating a woman who seems to be my twin. We get along great when we hang out. My problem is that I am not used to being in this situation. The man also has several other woman he is "dating" and has yet to express any affection for me outside of sexual advances. I really like this guy and want to have a romantic relationship with him but i cant help but feel his plate is too full at this moment and i will only set myself up for disappointment. I dont desire any FWB relationships and I dont want to be used simply for my sexuality.
You can totally say that without sounding like you're in high school. Let him know that you're interested in a relationship with him that extends beyond friends with benefits. If you're not sure how to do that, you could ask his other girlfriend. She probably has particular insight into the entire situation, you know? Whatever you decide to do, it is important to be clear and honest about what you require in a relationship, and what you would require in a relationship with him.

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Someone who will lie to her primary partner will lie to me.
That, or she already is. Either way, it's not cool. Such a bummer.

I'm not really sure what I'm up to emotionally. I'm kind of tense and slow to trust these days. That's not to say that I don't fall in love, but I feel uncomfortable expressing that because I don't want anyone to feel obligated to respond in kind. I guess loving is different for me than I expect it to be for most people? I don't know. I'm sticking with actions over words, though. I can demonstrate love without obligating anyone to love me in return, I think.

I did have a decent weekend, though, and next weekend should be pretty sweet too. It's nice to feel desired and desirable. I'm hoping to do a bit more talking this weekend than I did with this fellow the last time we met up. He just has the most amazing energy, we mesh really well. I'm not sure what we're doing exactly, but I'm not sure that it matters either. I'm also not sure whether it's appropriate to refer to a grown man as a "boyfriend" anymore, or what that really entails. . . But I'm not sure if we're really "partners" or "lovers" either. The terminology is definitely the most confusing part of all this.

There's definitely a relationship of some kind, but I don't think I have any accurate words for it. Do I love him? Probably. Do I want him? Absolutely! Mostly I feel as though the two of us have work to do together, some kind of destiny... which sounds kind of strange and presumptuous and arrogant, except that he feels exactly the same way and other people in our presence tend to be aware of it, too. How crazy do I sound right now?

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#962 of 1038 Old 03-23-2010, 12:20 PM
 
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The man also has several other woman he is "dating" and has yet to express any affection for me outside of sexual advances.
I asked the guy that I hooked up with this weekend if he was only interested in sex. He answered yes, for now. He answered in a sincere way that was honest with what he wanted. I'm gonna give it a shot.

Now for you. Not being comfortable asking him about his intention is a problem. If he has no interest in a relationship and you continue with him, may develop stronger feelings that will make it even more difficult for you. I went through a 2 year relationship like that, emotionally draining. Taking a lot of time to resolve it

We can only change ourselves, not others.

Enjoy!

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#963 of 1038 Old 03-23-2010, 08:43 PM
 
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I'm also not sure whether it's appropriate to refer to a grown man as a "boyfriend" anymore, or what that really entails. . . But I'm not sure if we're really "partners" or "lovers" either. The terminology is definitely the most confusing part of all this.
Wellllll... We all kind of have different meanings for terminology I think. My DP and I call the men we date/sleep with but don't see on a regular basis our boyfriends... Find a new word or redefine one as you wish.


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#964 of 1038 Old 03-24-2010, 09:50 AM
 
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So, I sat her down and told her I wouldn't beat around the bush. I told her that she told me she had plans on leaving her BF, and that is what I was getting involved with; her, DP, & I. So, I needed to take a step back while she figured out what she wants with her BF before I move on with her, and of course before I get to know him. I told her that I would be putting myself in a situation that I could get hurt, I said it was wrong that she was telling us that if she really had no intention on leaving... she said she never really did, and they do have some relationship issues etc. I told her she needed to understand why I was upset, she said she did and it was obvious in her eyes that she felt bad for misleading me. I stepped out of the room and she told my DP she was going to go home and cry. I don't really feel bad though, and I'm glad she at least knows. What I didn't know was how attatched she was starting to feel with ME! (just imagine, the whole time I thought it was all about her and DP and I was just a little bonus. Nope!) We did go to her sons' bday party yesterday, and that was nice. But, we shall see! I'm thinking I really need a little something outside of this situation

Hate to be so short, but I'm about to go get myself enrolled in school... finally! Watch out baby, I'm the next Dolce and Gabbana! hahah
Have a great, beautiful day, mamas!

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#965 of 1038 Old 03-25-2010, 07:08 AM
 
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that's great that you talked with her so clearly.

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#966 of 1038 Old 03-25-2010, 02:02 PM
 
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#967 of 1038 Old 03-27-2010, 10:37 PM
 
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Not having a good day today . I had forgotten what that pain of splitting up feels like. After 4 years it just about crushes you . I haven't felt this sick to my stomach in such a long long time.


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#968 of 1038 Old 03-28-2010, 12:14 AM
 
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I think I'm finally ready to jump into this thread, I've been thinking about if for awhile. I have been with DH for three years and about 1.5 years into the relationship one of our older, wiser friends got us thinking about the poly life. That's when we started talking about it and came to the conclusion that we are interested in exploring. Then I got pregnant, miscarried, got pregnant again and had a babygirl, so "dating" was the last thing on my mind. But now that DD came 4 months ago, it's coming up again. I am interested in a relationship with a woman and DH is 100% okay with that regardless of whether or not he is "involved". Now that I'm getting out more, I think it's completely possible I might meet a woman I'd like to get to know better.

So my (for now hypothetical) question is:
Do you (personally) just come out and say "Hey, I'm married (or whatever) and poly" or do you wait until you've known each other better? I don't want to lead someone on if they are not interested in having a relationship with me since I'm married, but that also seems like a pretty big thing to bring up when you're just getting to know someone and aren't even sure if you're going to start a relationship.

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#969 of 1038 Old 03-28-2010, 12:49 AM
 
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Not having a good day today . I had forgotten what that pain of splitting up feels like. After 4 years it just about crushes you . I haven't felt this sick to my stomach in such a long long time.


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I think I'm finally ready to jump into this thread, I've been thinking about if for awhile. I have been with DH for three years and about 1.5 years into the relationship one of our older, wiser friends got us thinking about the poly life. That's when we started talking about it and came to the conclusion that we are interested in exploring. Then I got pregnant, miscarried, got pregnant again and had a babygirl, so "dating" was the last thing on my mind. But now that DD came 4 months ago, it's coming up again. I am interested in a relationship with a woman and DH is 100% okay with that regardless of whether or not he is "involved". Now that I'm getting out more, I think it's completely possible I might meet a woman I'd like to get to know better.

So my (for now hypothetical) question is:
Do you (personally) just come out and say "Hey, I'm married (or whatever) and poly" or do you wait until you've known each other better? I don't want to lead someone on if they are not interested in having a relationship with me since I'm married, but that also seems like a pretty big thing to bring up when you're just getting to know someone and aren't even sure if you're going to start a relationship.
It's not the first thing I say, for sure. But I do try to weave it into the conversation pretty early on, once it's clear there's some kind of romantic interest developing. I definitely don't want to give the impression that I'm *single*.; just that I'm available, if that makes any sense.

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#970 of 1038 Old 03-28-2010, 12:59 AM
 
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I understand, Majikfaerie; I don't want to scare someone off by telling them before we are even talking about starting a relationship BUT I don't want them to think they'll be the only one if a relationship starts. I like how you explained it. Not single, just available. Of course, it's not even an issue yet. But I'd like to think it could be. DH is the only man I've ever been seriously interested in and lately I've just been feeling like I need a woman to share in my life too.

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#971 of 1038 Old 03-28-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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well, I think as long as you have it at the front of your mind that you're being honest and open about it, then you should be right. and really, who wants a relationship that isn't open and honest anyway?!

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#972 of 1038 Old 03-28-2010, 01:11 AM
 
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Agreed. I've heard enough lies in my life, and I've told enough lies in my lifetime. Time for complete honesty.

Oh, and apparently, I have joined your cult. You probably have a ton of members, don't you?

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#973 of 1038 Old 03-28-2010, 01:19 AM
 
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I do have a ton of members. but I had a ton of members even before I made that signature. It's quite a popular cult (which is understandble, as it's largely based on appreciation of cake).

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#974 of 1038 Old 03-28-2010, 01:34 AM
 
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I do have a ton of members. but I had a ton of members even before I made that signature. It's quite a popular cult (which is understandble, as it's largely based on appreciation of cake).
Cake is good. German chocolate cake. Hmm. Now you've made me hungry.

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#975 of 1038 Old 04-05-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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I'm in a great mood today; I'm definitely in love, again. I need a pseudonym for him.

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#976 of 1038 Old 04-05-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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May have to end things with my secondary soon...

he is only 26 and has show extreme emotional immaturity toward me and my daughter.
we have had our problems in the past, mostly with him desiring to not do the same activities as me, and his poker addiction. Now it comes down to his emotional disconnect, not "wanting to bother me with his problems" by not telling me he is being sued by a utility company. He came home Thursday night after work, said "hi honney how are you" with his laptop bag still on his back. Then went to the kitchen without another word, ate his dinner on the couch, and then went back to the kitchen to do the dishes. Not another word spoken to me. when i was upset he didnt even try to talk to me and tell me how his day went, he said it was because he figured it was the kids that caused me stress and didnt think id want to discuss it in front of the kids

its stupid. we shouldn't be fighting to be partners. I just want a simple companion, who understands the emotional ins and outs of a relationship. He admittedly lives in his head, filtering his emotions through it...but alot of times doesn't express them because...hes embarrased/doesnt want to bother me.

i dont get it. we are going to go to counseling but i dont think it will work its going to be hard, but i want something better for myself and my family.

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#977 of 1038 Old 04-05-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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yay eilonwy
bettina

I'm having a rocky time with DH atm he's talking about a divorce. sigh. No doubt we'll get through this, but it's exhausting. I'm still having a long-distance r'ship with my GF, but I so wish we could be closer and actually see each other once in a while

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#978 of 1038 Old 04-06-2010, 01:53 PM
 
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Also having a hard time. Things seem to have turned upside down. Dh and I have to talk every single night and I am not sure what I want right now. I have so much trauma from my past and I finding it so hard to deal with everything.

BLAH!!!


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#979 of 1038 Old 04-06-2010, 08:23 PM
 
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PML

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#980 of 1038 Old 04-07-2010, 01:30 PM
 
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well today is a new day and the Sun is Shining!! Yay! That has made a very big difference for me. Dh and I talked last night and have agreed that right now is not the time to start any new romantic relationships but keep the friendships we have already started.

Dh is going to meet his friend this Sunday. Trying to deal with my insecurities around that.


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#981 of 1038 Old 04-07-2010, 02:01 PM
 
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to all the mamas that need one

I haven't been online in a bit, but my situation is evolving nicely. GF & I are still doing well as well as her and my DP. They are soooo sweet together . I am also doing a lot of talking and getting to know her BF. We have a lot in common and we are both total jabber jaws lol, so it's nice. There is definate interest there between the two of us, and it came totaly unexpected for me. (considering I was totaly not even up to having anything to do with him in the begining) I think that even though he tells DP and I that he is completely comfortable with everything, that there are still parts of him that is getting used to the whole situation. (understandably) I think it scares him how much my DP and his GF like each other. DP even thinks she is in love with him. I hope that he gets a little more comfortable soon, maybe an alone date with me will help

It's a great, rainy, spring day! I can't wait to see green grass and leaves and start the garden. Hope all is going well with you all!

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#982 of 1038 Old 04-18-2010, 09:52 PM
 
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Im looking for some guidance and reassurance.

Im in a triad - two females and a male. The male is legally my husband, we were married before entering into poly. Our third, is *not* a secondary, we dont do hierarchy - we are all equal. DW and DH are very close emotionally. It has been an insecurity of mine. Im a very logical person, and though I posess emotions, I often process them quickly so I dont dwell or have them consume my life - Im working on living in my heart more, but alas - because of that, and because of personalities DW and DH have an intense emotional connection.

DH`s mother is dying - she has cancer, and will probably pass in the next few days. We are all very upset by this. Im worried as to how this is going to affect mine and DH`s relationship. DW told me that Ill be the stable one, the logical one - whereas she will be the `emo` one, and will probably cry with them. Im aware my role as stability is very important, and Im not trying to be someone Im not - but at the same time, because DH and my relationship is not in a strong place (due to the lack of emotional connection - we have talked about this in great length), that his mom`s passing will drive us farther apart, as I wont be emotional with him. Of course if he wants to cry with me I would let him, but he will most likely turn to her - which is fine. We all offer eachother different things yk.....

Can I get some tips as how not to feel insecure or threatened during this time. How can I support him in a way thats me, but in a way where he will know that I am there for him. I dont want to push us apart...but I dont know...

Help.

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#983 of 1038 Old 04-18-2010, 10:52 PM
 
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I think the only thing you can do is be honest. Be honest in how you feel and where you're at. There's no need to "be the strong, stable one" just because your partners expect that of you. If you feel like crying/ grieving, then do so. Just grieve in your own way, and let your DH know that you're there for him. I don't see that his mother's death would necessarily drive you apart, and it doesn't really make sense to plan for that.

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#984 of 1038 Old 04-19-2010, 09:43 AM
 
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So my BF asked me to hand-fast him by December...


but he did it over the phone and was a bit tipsy. I told him I couldn't say "yes" over the phone. So when he got home, he asked me again, very casually. I was able to say " I'd love to" then.

I was just floored. We'd talked about hand-fasting each other but never had a definite time. It's a huge step considering how often we fight LOL but i am confident we work well

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#985 of 1038 Old 04-19-2010, 08:24 PM
 
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Congratulations BAS!

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#986 of 1038 Old 04-22-2010, 01:01 PM
 
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Wow, congrats BettinaAuSucre!!


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#987 of 1038 Old 04-22-2010, 05:23 PM
 
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Congrats, BAS!

My new lover is going to meet me at Beltaine! I'm very excited, and kind of nervous as I'll be ovulating. Ovulation + Beltaine + Incredibly hot lover = !!!!! I probably won't be "safe" until Sunday, if then, so we will have to be extremely cautious.

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#988 of 1038 Old 04-22-2010, 05:33 PM
 
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Congrats, BAS!

My new lover is going to meet me at Beltaine! I'm very excited, and kind of nervous as I'll be ovulating. Ovulation + Beltaine + Incredibly hot lover = !!!!! I probably won't be "safe" until Sunday, if then, so we will have to be extremely cautious.
well, judging by your signature, you're overdue for another kidlet

jk

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#989 of 1038 Old 04-22-2010, 06:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
well, judging by your signature, you're overdue for another kidlet

jk
Actually, I can't have another child until 2012. In fact, the new lover and I have discussed this. I told him about the pattern-- my kids were born in '02, '04, '06 and '08 so I had to have another child this year (no later than 20 December) or it would have to wait until 2012 (in May or September, most likely, because I don't have any Earth signs ). His response? "Assuming we feel the same way in a year and a half, I would be honored to plant a seed with you." (Can you see why I'm in love with this man? I nearly fainted, honestly. ) So yeah, we can't get pregnant because it breaks the pattern. I don't even want to think in terms of new patterns.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#990 of 1038 Old 04-22-2010, 06:07 PM
 
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I get that. but skipping 10 would make me twitchy. maybe your '12 baby will be twins, thus making up for the gap

By reading this signature, you agree to join my cult :nana
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