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#91 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 01:39 PM
 
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This is why I really do not get V's. I mean I guess they work for some people- but I can not wrap my brain around the concept. I guess I am on an everyone knows- everyone love equal view. I just could not do a poly relationship unless it was all one relationship. I would not want to be with someone who felt like they had to live a "don't ask don't tell" relationship with me- it just would feel like lies.

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#92 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 02:53 PM
 
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Huh? You have (had) a poly relationship and require that your boyfriend tell his other girlfriend about his relationship with you?

Why would his relationship with this other woman concern you?

Do (did) you allow him to have an effect/say so on and within your married relationship?

I don't understand the relationship.
Why wouldn't it concern her? Lying and cheating is the same thing regardless of what kind of relationships you choose to have. It's about honesty and expectation not about how many partnerships you have. Being poly doesn't give you the right (in my mind) to break trust agreements or knowingly help someone else break trust agreements.

I would be willing to have a relationship with someone who was in another relationship. I wouldn't be willing to do that though if the other half of that partnership was under the impression they were the only one.

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#93 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 04:27 PM
 
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AFAIK, full knowledge and consent of all partners IS the way poly relationships work. Any other way is asking for a lot of trouble, even if only for health reasons. This is one of the ways that Polyamoury is able to separate itself from Cheating. A person should not be led to believe they are in an exclusive relationship, and then find out later that that is not the case "but that's OK, because we're poly." It doesn't WORK that way.
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#94 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 06:09 PM
 
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AFAIK, full knowledge and consent of all partners IS the way poly relationships work. Any other way is asking for a lot of trouble, even if only for health reasons. This is one of the ways that Polyamoury is able to separate itself from Cheating. A person should not be led to believe they are in an exclusive relationship, and then find out later that that is not the case "but that's OK, because we're poly." It doesn't WORK that way.
:

You said it better than me.

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#95 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 06:24 PM
 
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AFAIK, full knowledge and consent of all partners IS the way poly relationships work. Any other way is asking for a lot of trouble, even if only for health reasons. This is one of the ways that Polyamoury is able to separate itself from Cheating. A person should not be led to believe they are in an exclusive relationship, and then find out later that that is not the case "but that's OK, because we're poly." It doesn't WORK that way.

Ditto, ditto, ditto!
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#96 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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AFAIK, full knowledge and consent of all partners IS the way poly relationships work. Any other way is asking for a lot of trouble, even if only for health reasons. This is one of the ways that Polyamoury is able to separate itself from Cheating. A person should not be led to believe they are in an exclusive relationship, and then find out later that that is not the case "but that's OK, because we're poly." It doesn't WORK that way.

very much agreed
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#97 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 06:56 PM
 
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Sijae and Mehndi pretty much said it for me already.

Quote:
Why would his relationship with this other woman concern you?

Do (did) you allow him to have an effect/say so on and within your married relationship?
Maybe you're misunderstanding when I say "tell about." I don't mean tell details, spill guts, gossip, etc. I mean tell about the existence of. I don't require him to tell me that "wow, I did the hottest thing with my other gf the other day," but I did require him to say "hey, there's this other girl that I'm in a romantic and sexual relationship with." Just the same way that, when I met him, I said "hey I'm married but he's cool with it." I don't think that constitutes having a say so within my marriage. That constitutes the "open" part of "open relationship."

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This is why I really do not get V's. I mean I guess they work for some people- but I can not wrap my brain around the concept.
Well, our ideal was always a MFMF quad, but those hot bi babes are hard to come by these days.
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#98 of 1038 Old 02-11-2007, 09:44 PM
 
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AFAIK, full knowledge and consent of all partners IS the way poly relationships work. Any other way is asking for a lot of trouble, even if only for health reasons. This is one of the ways that Polyamoury is able to separate itself from Cheating. A person should not be led to believe they are in an exclusive relationship, and then find out later that that is not the case "but that's OK, because we're poly." It doesn't WORK that way.
Yeah, what she said...

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#99 of 1038 Old 02-12-2007, 01:39 PM
 
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AFAIK, full knowledge and consent of all partners IS the way poly relationships work.
So do you ask all your partners if its OK if you get another additional partner? Do they have to interview the new person?
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#100 of 1038 Old 02-12-2007, 02:20 PM
 
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So do you ask all your partners if its OK if you get another additional partner? Do they have to interview the new person?
I agree with what mehndi mama says:


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Originally Posted by mehndi mama View Post
This is one of the ways that Polyamoury is able to separate itself from Cheating. A person should not be led to believe they are in an exclusive relationship, and then find out later that that is not the case "but that's OK, because we're poly." It doesn't WORK that way.
Not an interview process- but at least some respect for the other involved.

ETA: Some people are in a relationsip for love and partership- not just sex and unattached emotions. Poly or not it gives no one the right to cheat or hurt another person.

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#101 of 1038 Old 02-12-2007, 04:43 PM
 
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So do you ask all your partners if its OK if you get another additional partner? Do they have to interview the new person?
Not exactly that formal, but ya...sure. ;-) We look at it like this-- We don't have to be best friends with spouse's secondary partners but we'd better all get along and enjoy eachother's company. If I don't like her, how can I be happy for my husband to share his time and affection with her, and vise versa? I've met men and women (I'm bi) who fawn all over me but won't give dh the time of day. I won't continue dialog with anyone who doesn't want to be cordial with us both.

I've had a bf for several months now and dh has been wanting to find a gf as well. My bf and I are on a bit of a break as he's met a vanilla gal and wanting to see where it heads. I'm happy for him and hope it works out well! We still talk a lot, just aren't dating. Anyway, my dh made it quite clear that he has been looking for a gf and I approve. He'd actually not been actively meeting anyone for a couple of months but just recently began to cultivate a relationship with a women whom I introduced him to.

The whole process has gone something like this. She and I met via some mutual friends and went out a few times with the gals. We ended up seated at the same table and her and her husband at a wine tasting recently and dh and her really hit it off. The four of us went for coffee after the tasting. Since then they've (she and dh) been talking a lot. She and I chat from time to time and she is evidently very interested in both of us. She and I were to have our first real date on Friday and I got a stomach bug Anyway, as you can see, there's one person missing from this..her dh.

So...Last night they came over for dinner and brought their 2yo. It was intended as a way for her dh to be more comfortable with us and to meet in a family setting. In the end, it was a grand evening (despite my ds's sudden onset of a stomach bug mid-dinner ). Her dh is comfortable and I actually found myself quite enamoured with him as well!

Could this possibly be the start of a potential quad?!?!?! Rather exciting to find another couple and have all four of us click. As many of you probably know, that's a hard deal to find!

Kinda veered off topic there but I'm rather excited!
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#102 of 1038 Old 02-13-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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My arrangement with DH, and previously with bf, was that we did not have to clear with each other beforehand, but if things started developing into serious relationship land then we might all have to hash things out and negotiate. They have both had some FWB type situations with girls that didn't really affect me. Esp. with bf being very long distance, I dind't feel the need to know too much. But it was not okay for them to skeeve around with girls who had unknowing partners (and both have had those temptations; there seem to be a lot of women out there trying to play that game) or to lie to the other girls about what their situation is. I really am pretty easy going, I'm all about the do what you want as long as no one gets hurt. I guess it really bites you in the butt sometimes. :

Fwiw, DH and bf got along pretty well. They had a lot in common besides me. I also don't feel that partners need to be friends, but there should at least be no animosity.

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#103 of 1038 Old 02-13-2007, 12:48 AM
 
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Yes, if I were to decide to start dating again, I would certainly clear it with DH & DP beforehand. I've done it the other way before (having a serious relationship with a secondary partner without DH's knowledge or consent, AND deciding to jump in and play the dating game with no prior warning) and it just didn't do much for our communication as a married couple. And now that I'm not just responsible for my and my husband's health, but that of our girlfriend as well, it's triply important that they at least know what page we're all on. Even if sex weren't involved, there is the emotional health of your partners to be considered as well - taking another partner without their knowledge or consent can lead to feelings of jealousy and rejection - feelings that can be easily circumvented by just SAYING SOMETHING FIRST.
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#104 of 1038 Old 02-13-2007, 06:48 PM
 
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Well I guess I'm bowing out of this thread for now at least. The woman DH and I were in love with had been moving in, was to be here fulltime in 2 weeks, etc. She was leaving her emotionally abusive bf who treats her like crap. Well while she was gone last week she decided that she won't ever stop trying to work things out with him, her daughter's father, as long he wants to do so. While I'm not saying she couldn't date other people, I'm not at all comfortable with her being romantic with him still as he is controlling and constantly tried to undermine our relationship with her. He felt he should be involved as a quad, but we werent interested. I think her decision also came because he threatened to sue for custody of their daughter citing our alternative relationship (ironic sinc he is the one who pushed her into poly)

I'm very sad, I never would have let her get so close to my dd, her calling her mama even, if I had known she was lying all along about it... when he told my friend she had said she was leaving if we wouldnt go for the quad I asked her about it and believed what she said...stupid me.

I still would like to be poly.... if it hadnt been for him everything seemed so perfect... but a lot of wounds need to heal for my DH and I. Thankfully it isnt pushing us apart, but we need time to regroup. The one plus to her moving out is we can start doing foster care to adopt which we were planning to do before this all started.
Sorry for the ramblings, just trying to make sense of all this

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#105 of 1038 Old 02-16-2007, 04:28 PM
 
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: I'm so glad there is a thread like this here - this place just feels more welcoming everyday.
I'm not in a poly relationship or even a mama (yet!), but both are something I'm keen on Although I'm not sure how ready dp is for either. We have discussed having an open-relationship, and he's not sure he's secure enough with us yet - which I totally understand and respect.
Personally don't see me wanting a triad type relationship, but more me and dp being a commited couple and being allowed to 'see'/date other people with each other knowledge and concent.
Personally it seems like it could make a good relationship even better. I mean it would require constant, good communication between the both of us, which is something easily lost when we get comfy/lazy. What are others experiences with this?
I don't know anyone IRL who has had a commited open relationship/marriage - I guess its still a major taboo in general society. Does everyone have different boundries to their relationships? Do these boundries change with time/circumstances? In know these things are all very individual, but I'd be interested in others situations.
Ok enough babbling
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#106 of 1038 Old 02-16-2007, 05:36 PM
 
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I don't know anyone IRL who has had a commited open relationship/marriage - I guess its still a major taboo in general society. Does everyone have different boundries to their relationships? Do these boundries change with time/circumstances? In know these things are all very individual, but I'd be interested in others situations.
Ok enough babbling
I'm not comfortable putting a lot of my personal stuff out here on MDC, but DW and I are "poly" (though for us we more use the term "consensually non-monogamous" b/c it fits us better). We have clear boundaries and yes, they can change due to time and circumstances. We both have dated other people, and these relationships fall between just being "hook-up" relationships and serious relationships. More like close friendships that involve some level of intimacy/sex that for most monogamous couples would not be ok. Having these kind of relationships has been at times challenging, but also rewarding and fulfilling for both of us in our marriage. This was part of our relationship when we were dating and before we got married also, so I think that made it easier. When we got engaged we took a year to be strictly monogamous and focus on our relationship. Now that I am pregnant, things have really changed and I haven't had much desire for being intimate with anyone other than DW, and we have had conversations about (as always) placing our own intimacy and sex as a couple first. So far it's worked pretty well for us. If you'd like to chat more or have specific questions feel free to PM me.
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#107 of 1038 Old 02-16-2007, 08:17 PM
 
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Personally it seems like it could make a good relationship even better. I mean it would require constant, good communication between the both of us, which is something easily lost when we get comfy/lazy. What are others experiences with this?
................. Does everyone have different boundries to their relationships? Do these boundries change with time/circumstances? In know these things are all very individual, but I'd be interested in others situations.
Ok enough babbling
We went into this thing with a load of rules. We quickly found that all but one was ridiculous for us. The one we kept was --> our relationship is #1, always. If this means we break a date or even break up with someone, then that's what we do. We make this clear to any prospective partners from the get-go.

Everytime either or us has a relationship with someone else, be it short or long-term, we believe it makes our own bond even stronger. We learn more about eachother, we tackle difficult things, we learn to appreciate eachother in new ways.

I can't even begin to express how much opening our marriage has done to make our marriage stronger. I know to some it seems counter-intuitive but it truly makes me realize every day just how much dh means to me. This is the first relationship in my life that I've not cheated...same for dh. We both have this intense need for intimacy (physical and emotional) from more than just one partner. In the past, this has manifested itself through being unfaithful, sneeking around, etc. Now, we welcome it as part of what we are and as a healthy, wonderful thing.

One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is the number of folks we continue to meet who are just like us, who have similar stories to tell of relationships gone bad because of a need to love more than one. I have grown to see partnering as a continuum, with monogamy on one end and polyamory on the other end. I think that we are naturally drawn to a place in that spectrum.
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#108 of 1038 Old 02-17-2007, 05:56 PM
 
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One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is the number of folks we continue to meet who are just like us, who have similar stories to tell of relationships gone bad because of a need to love more than one. I have grown to see partnering as a continuum, with monogamy on one end and polyamory on the other end. I think that we are naturally drawn to a place in that spectrum.
This sums up dh's and my feelings and honestly the only "rules" we have are safety related. But we have had strong communication skills from the start. We were friends a long time before we fell. Poly is all about talking and adapting.

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#109 of 1038 Old 02-17-2007, 10:26 PM
 
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um, hi. new here. i'm shy, but i *need* this thread.
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#110 of 1038 Old 02-20-2007, 10:26 PM
 
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Checking in again...so much has happened! DH and I had a rough patch a few weeks ago regarding my relationship with "DF" (dear friend) It was painful, but DH and I both grew so much from that experience, I feel closer to him than ever before, and so very very thankful to DF for giving us that experience. Things are still pretty....quiet with me and DF. He met a girl, they've hung out a few times ( I'm not jealous.....I'm not jealous....I'm not jealous..... ) But told her that he doesn't want a "girlfriend" right now, or put any kind of label on that relationship. We were together over the weekend and talked about a lot of things. One question I asked him was why he liked me and wanted to be involved with me, knowing I was married and all that. He said my being "unavailable" was part of the attraction But I told him that sometimes that part is painful for me, as I care for him deeply and wish that this was a different world where we could all be together, me, DH, and DF. But that will never happen. But for now, we enjoy our time together and enjoy our friendship, we're grateful to even know each other. Sigh. I wonder what he's up to now....
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#111 of 1038 Old 02-22-2007, 02:56 PM
 
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I just want to chime in and say that DH and I definitely feel closer after our 'dates' with other people. This is especially true where our little triad is concerned, but also true when the other person is only involved with one of us. It forces us to talk about our feelings about it and to check in with each other. I think it makes us really tune in to each other. I know it seems counterintuitive to the mainstream world, but I really feel we get closer together every time. We don't really do 'rules' except the fact that we have promised to admit it if something bothers us.

Last week I had the interesting experience of having coffee with DH's "girlfriend" so she could make sure I was okay with her, etc. I think some of the other starb*cks patrons were listening very closely

I also have experience with a guy who does seem to be attracted to me/us because there is no possibility of a 'real' relationship. Unfortunately this has led to tension between other friends, as they (girls) have dated him and have wanted to form relationships with this guy and he has insisted he doesn't want a girlfriend and that he plans to continue the relationship he has with DH and I. Not that it is a relationship per se, we see each other about once a month at the most.

It's been very hard to balance the friendships I have with these women and the attraction to this man... Since DH and I are both attracted to him, and he to us, I'm just not willing to back away. In any case, I don't think that if I did, he would suddenly be relationship-ready. Kwim?


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#112 of 1038 Old 02-22-2007, 07:52 PM
 
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Are there any online resources that are good for meeting people interested in a poly life?

Also, if someone could point me towards some good links for information, that would be great.

I don't feel quite comfortable to share much on this list, but I am sooo happy that this group is here amoung MDC.

with smiles,
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#113 of 1038 Old 02-22-2007, 09:53 PM
 
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i am curious how you find other such people open to this sort of idea

i can't envision taking a "random survey" at playgroup as it were lol
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#114 of 1038 Old 02-22-2007, 11:09 PM
 
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My absolute favorite resource is: http://www.polyfamilies.com/
There's also: http://www.lovemore.com/

How to meet people? Hmmm... DP's girlfriend has been a friend of our family for 8 years and slowly learned of our lovestyle and they've had feelings for each other since they first met. She finally warmed up to the whole deal about a year ago. My new boyfriend is part of our circle of friends and one night at a party we just clicked and he felt terribly guilty for it till another friend informed him of our poly-ness. We've been happily seeing each other ever since. So I guess it's a matter of being open...and patient.

Other ways we've found potential partners is online, recognition of a book ("Oh, you're reading 'The Ethical Slut'?? I love that book..."), or at poly get-togethers.

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#115 of 1038 Old 02-22-2007, 11:50 PM
 
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I have gone on www.polymatchmaker.com (or PMM as it is known on there) talked with some people, never met any IRL. My circle of friends here in WA know- or at least I am not shy about it. My circle of friends in MI- well if they know they do not say anything for the most part. I am more quiet with them as they are all pretty religous. It is not something I would bring up at a playgroup either- well most playgroups that is!

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#116 of 1038 Old 02-23-2007, 12:19 AM
 
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Howdy to all the newbies.

I like www.okcupid.com It's a good site as far as the options you can declare, how you search for matches, etc. The quizzes and stuff are fun just because.

I also recommend getting a geeky hobby. There's usually bound to be a higher percentage of polyfolk (or any alternative sexuality, really) in any geeky pursuit: gaming, cons, larp, sca, ren, I dunno what else. UU and pagan communities tend to be more poly friendly too (not that I recommend changing your religion for it : ).

There also might be a local mailing list or meetings. I think the lovingmore site has local listings?

Good luck!
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#117 of 1038 Old 02-23-2007, 12:33 AM
 
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crikey its been hard enough finding homeschooling families LOL
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#118 of 1038 Old 02-23-2007, 12:41 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paquerette View Post
I also recommend getting a geeky hobby. There's usually bound to be a higher percentage of polyfolk (or any alternative sexuality, really) in any geeky pursuit: gaming, cons, larp, sca, ren, I dunno what else. UU and pagan communities tend to be more poly friendly too (not that I recommend changing your religion for it : ).
This is my number one problem- for both myself and DP- we are not geeky at all. We do own a computer design/development company- but we are not geeky- nor are we into gaming or anything like that.

I do fall under UU when I take those test online- but do not call myself anything....

See my problem???

[B][I]~Ang~ Mom to 2 sport-head crazy girls: Rainey and Breeze 
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 and my little lost love- @18 weeks with gestational age of 7 weeks
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RAINBOW BABY DUE MAY 4th!!!
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#119 of 1038 Old 02-23-2007, 12:49 AM
 
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i have to say with every passing day i see more and more why the phrase "it takes a village" is so true

had i ever had a clue i for one would have made different choices before baby since we're in a situation where there is no family around and we have no friends because of the work/go home to sleep/work thing
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#120 of 1038 Old 02-23-2007, 02:09 AM
 
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Wow- the poly board is alive tonight!!!!

[B][I]~Ang~ Mom to 2 sport-head crazy girls: Rainey and Breeze 
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 and my little lost love- @18 weeks with gestational age of 7 weeks
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RAINBOW BABY DUE MAY 4th!!!
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