Mothering Forums

Mothering Forums (
-   Queer Parenting (
-   -   Poly Families (

Kaitnbugsmom 02-23-2006 12:53 AM

Since it was suggested.... just as a sort of 'meeting place' til we get everything sorted out, and beyond if necessary...

BeeandOwlsMum 02-23-2006 02:50 AM

29 Attachment(s)
Moving back to QP!

Kaitnbugsmom 02-23-2006 03:22 AM


bjorker 02-23-2006 05:01 AM

Ok NOW I'm confused. Better go catch up on that other thread ...

Sharlla 02-23-2006 05:38 AM

Me too, but I don't want to read the whole thread What exactly is the purpose of this thread. Will we talk about blending families? I was curious about that, should I take my questions to the blending families section, but these would have unique curcumstances I guess. Like dealing with mono ex's when you live a poly lifestyle with kids, how to explain to your kids what poly is etc.

It was not something that i had thought about in depth but the closer I came to starting something with a woman who had older kids, made me really take a look at the reality. We experimented with poly when DS was younger and even though he knew about daddy's gf's he really didn't understand, and of course anyone that we were casually seeing weren't introduced to him as anything other than a friend. We took a step back for my pregnancy and because we moved in with family, but now that we bought a home and we are getting it fixed up, I would so very much love to meet a lady that I could love. Which has its challenges, because I prefer to meet someone who appriciates a more natural lifestyle if you know what I mean.

Anyway I'm rambling and its the middle of the night Just thought I would try to ge the ball rolling.

Kaitnbugsmom 02-23-2006 03:56 PM

We are poly fidelitious {I can NEVER spell that word right, ask my yahoo group!} Our big problem is that we're going to have to apply for EFT/Medicaid. and the fun is going to begin when there are three adults on the app, and both males are fathers to minor children *I* have had and the one who is not my dh's is only 6 m/o....

mehndi mama 02-28-2006 02:30 AM

What happened to warrant a poly family thread? I wanna know! (I'm so way out of the loop here...)

Kaitnbugsmom 02-28-2006 03:54 AM

questions regarding who and what is queer, suggestions about making individual threads for each lifestyle..

mehndi mama 02-28-2006 04:07 AM

Ah.....wouldn't that have been a near-impossible undertaking

maigheach 03-03-2006 01:56 PM

uh, ok.... so exactly what is meant by "queer"? i know the derogatory term, but am assuming it's not quite the same.


pinkmilk 03-06-2006 03:57 PM

Good question Roxanne...I assume it to mean anything different than being hetro ... and when describing relationships it means anything other than monogamous.
Now for my question...What is poly? If I have a relationship outside my marriage am I in a poly? If I simply dream about it or have been in a poly in the past am I welcome in this discussion?
Just like discussed in Qeer parenting there are so many thin lines!!!

Kaitnbugsmom 03-06-2006 07:38 PM

IMO if you are in any kind of poly relationship and a parent/prospective parent, you are welcome here. Likewise those with previous experience, as long as they are not here to condemn.

I'm not sure there are paramaters to poly. I can only speak for what defines my own relationship. I am in a polyanderous, polygynous relationship. In laymens terms, I am in a 'love based relationship' with two men who are with me and me alone. Well, at this point 'with' is a relative term because my ex dh and I are no longer physically intimate or anything of the kind. We still live in the same house, we still take care of each others non-sexual needs, we are co-parents of our children, and he is the godfather to my youngest dd and takes care of her as well as his own two bio children when I get a chance to work or need a break... My primary relationship, my beloved Viper, and I are intimate on more than just the physical level. That said, we are co parenting as a whole, and neither of them is in any way intimate with anyone else, and neither am I.

Kaitnbugsmom 08-09-2006 12:19 AM

bumping to see if I'm the only poly mama left here?

mehndi mama 08-09-2006 12:23 AM

Nooope, I'm still around. Not much, though - very limited online time at the moment!

paquerette 08-09-2006 12:26 AM

Hallooo out there. I only happened to see this by chance; I never look in here anymore!

I am, as my location currently says, frantically preparing for Pennsic so I'm doing quick drive-bys on mdc for the most part. We leave Saturday and I get to see my sweetie.

We're just plain poly I guess. No one to cohabitate with; I'm the only one with an OSO and we don't even live in the same country.

I always refer to people who are thinking about it, or open to it but no one has come along yet, as "theoretically poly" as opposed to "practicing" I guess.

Kaitnbugsmom 08-09-2006 12:32 AM

rock on. we are going through alot of changes {all positive} in our relationships right now and I need all the support I can get. Post as often as you can

Ravin 08-09-2006 03:16 AM

I'm curious about how those of you who are successfully living poly met your SO's beyond your first one. DH and I knew from the beginning of our relationship that we wanted it to be a poly one, but the problem has been finding a 3rd or 3rd and 4th (say, a couple) to join us. It's frustrating, as now that DD is getting old enough to make it more feasible to get back into the social scene of courting, etc., we're both really at a loss as to where to meet someone.

Kaitnbugsmom 08-09-2006 03:18 AM

actually my now dh and I were together long before my partner and I were, but that's a story for another time. Way too tired right now

Indigo73 08-09-2006 11:31 AM

Still here too...

Kaitnbugsmom 08-09-2006 02:12 PM

so how is everyone?

Like I said, it's a time of upheaval of sorts here. Lots of changes, readjustments and improvements going on. I'll detail them more once they are firm and finished...

Moonprysm 08-09-2006 06:39 PM

Woo hoo! Hi other poly peoples! lol

I'm not on MDC very often, but now that I know about this thread, I might have to pop by here every now and again.

I'm 21, been married for 2 1/2 years, and I have a 4 month old son named Xander. DH and I have been poly the etire span of our relationship, theoretically although I've only had 1 bf (for like, 3 months) and dh has only had 1 gf (for even shorter time). We are in love with our two best friends, who just got engaged August 5th. They, however, are still workig on defining the parameters of their relationship, leaving DH and I often lonely and sad when they are around. It just feels so right - like famiy. And when they have to leave, reality hits us again that they are not really ours, and may or may notever be.

paquerette 08-10-2006 12:45 AM

Originally Posted by Ravin
we're both really at a loss as to where to meet someone.
I highly recommend the SCA.

Seriously, any geeky hobby. Gaming, LARP, sci-fi cons, pagan groups (not that religion is a hobby, but that seems to be another crossover). is about the best matchmaking website. We keep meeting friends instead, though.

mehndi mama 08-11-2006 12:43 AM

I'm a very serious advocate of NOT "looking" - I've had friends who went the matchmaking website route, and looking for local all they found themselves involved with were unstable people, or people looking for ways to "legally cheat", if you know what I mean. They weren't interested in a full-communication partnership, and were somehow deluded into thinking that poly was just long-term swinging.
I really truly think that "the one" will just fall into your lap when you're looking the other way. A lot of people have poly tendencies, but so many of them don't know that it's something that is ever done, so they don't look into it as a viable option. My partner was like that - we were friends all along, and one night at a party she asked me if it was true that DH & I had an open marriage, and that was my opportunity to explain to her what Poly is (and isn't). She & DH were dating within the year.

I've been telling my friends that had the bad meet-up experiences all along that you just have to be patient & WAIT, and he didn't believe me. And then, lo and behold, he's got a girlfriend now who started out AS A FRIEND, and he explained the whole poly deal to her, and now they're seeing each other seriously. He told me today that I could say "I told you so" if I really want to

lunadoula 08-11-2006 01:31 PM

I'm here. We're more "consensually non-monogamous" than poly, but we're not swingers either. We're kind of in the middle. Not looking for/ever wanting to cohabitate with anyone else, but we both enjoy relationships with other people. My longer-term "boyfriend" or lover recently got into a serious monogomous relationship, but we are still good friends and enjoy spending time together. I knew it would happen eventually that he would "settle down" with someone and it would likely be monogomous, and surprisingly I haven't been upset or sad one bit, I'm actually really happy for him. I'm recently pregnant so I feel like I'm focusing more on my wife and starting our family and I don't really have energy to give to other relationships right now - the other couple of people I've been invovled with have been really respectful of that, because they knew we were trying to get pregnant. So now dw is more out having fun which is *fine* with me - I have a hot date tonight with the couch, sushi, and a chick flick . I love this aspect of being poly because someone else can help meet her needs when I'm tired and sicky!

mehndi mama 08-11-2006 09:09 PM

I'm with you there - my relationship with my former boyfriend kind of petered out in the course of my last 2 pregnancies, and as far as I know, he's completely monogomous now. It was just the right time to end, yk? I love amicable partings!

crayon 08-20-2006 03:23 PM

I figured I should join this group! We are not active poly- no 3rd person currently- but we are alway open to the right one And always like knowing and supporting other poly families!

We have a myspace account too- so I welcome anyone who wants to add us-

crayon 08-20-2006 03:23 PM


Kaitnbugsmom 08-20-2006 04:49 PM

I was wondering where I knew you from!

Things are going alright here. Not a whole lot to report other than a recent threat by my father to turn us in for ex living here. He called while I was in the shower with the 7 y/o and ex was in the same bathroom helping 5 y/o dry off and get dressed. He called me/us several charming names, most of which I can't repeat here... meh.

mum2sarah 08-23-2006 11:35 PM

We are very new to poly, and, I'm afraid, not succeeding very well, so maybe you guys can offer some support/advice. Our situation is that we'd discussed the idea of going poly for many years, but it always seemed to be a mute point because neither of us had any interests/opportunities outside our marriage. We always simply resolved that we'd be open-minded should an opportunity present itself. That all changed this summer when I met a particular man who was completely open to the idea and understanding, and, after several discussions and making sure we were all on the same page (ie. DH and I were the "primary" relationship and we all had to agree to be honest and communicate our feelings, etc.), he and I started dating.

We were involved for about a month and a half before he moved to NYC (which he had already planned to do before we even met, and I knew of these plans). And I've since visited him once in NYC.

In the meantime, DH went out on one date and said it felt totally weird to him, and he's really unsure that he is, in fact, poly. I'm the only woman he's ever been intimate with; we started dating when we were 18 and he has only had very limited experiences with romance prior to that. He feels as though he would like to experience more but he's not sure he will feel free to do so while he's still married.

In addition, we feel like we've been through a lot of changes this year, including my going back to school and us opening up our marriage, and it's seemed to have put a new light on our marriage and exposed some of the faulty foundations upon which we've built our relationship. The fact that we didn't even know who we were as individuals when we first started seeing each other as teenagers seems to have put us in a situation of a codependency wherein we lose our identity in each other. It's always been a problem for us and it's manifested itself in different ways over the years, (ie. we've been through trial separation, counseling, renewing our vows), and we just wonder if we can reconcile this fundamental problem.

Furthermore, I have to admit that I'm having trouble "switching gears" in the context of polyamory. I feel strange when I, for instance, kiss one man for the first time after I had been with the other man. And I feel sort of selfish and guilty because the situation as it stands now is unbalanced. As in, why should I have my cake and eat it too? What do the men in my life have to gain from this? I was also unprepared for how hard I would fall for my oso, and I really felt that nre to a dizzying degree and found myself feeling really in love. When I mentioned this to my oso, he said he was not in love with me, because he is still very hung up on his ex that he dated for 4 years and broke up with this past december, but that he does care a lot about me and enjoys our time together. I feel like, in a way, it was foolish of me to reveal the strength of my feelings to him, but at the time, I really thought I would never see him again (this was the day he moved to NYC), and I wanted him to know the truth, for some reason... But now that I've visited him, I've been trying to play it cool and we've seemed to have smoothed over the awkwardness, and I've been able to accept that relationship for what it is.

However, being at a place in my life where I'm finally realizing my own individuality through finally pursuing my scholastic aspirations and romantic interests, I wonder if marriage is the right thing for me now. I think I want more independence. So, each for our own reasons, DH and I are talking about whether or not marriage is necessary for us to continue or if we'd be better off still having a relationship, but dissolving the formality of marriage. We are concerned with the impact all this might have on the kids, but we don't want to live a lie or stay together just for the kids.

I think we're really just confused and having trouble sorting out all these feelings. Does anyone have any insights?

lunadoula 08-24-2006 12:16 AM

Mom2Sarah - Sorry that navigating all this new stuff is so difficult. Are there any local support organizations in your area for poly folks? We have a group here where I live (it's less of a "hook up" kind of group and more about education, socializing together to feel connected to other poly folks, etc). If you PM me maybe I can find you some resources.

Unfortuately, I don't know that it's "kosher" to really discuss the things you brought up here on MDC. They have a pretty strict "no relationship talk" as you may or may not know. Unless it relates to parenting, we unfortunately can't really have that kind of discussion and likely a mod will close the thread. I'm just giving you an FYI, not trying to shut you down! I hope you can find support - there is a lot on the internet that is available for when you are first exploring having an open marriage.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:18 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Resources saved on this page: MySQL 0%
vBulletin Optimisation provided by vB Optimise (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.