Hurt Feelings About Nursing - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 08:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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There's a woman I know whose daughters play with my dd. I thought we were becoming friends, but recently she made a comment "in jest" that leads me to believe otherwise.

First of all, she thinks breastfeeding is "gross," her words. Needless to say, she didn't nurse either of her girls. Apparently, her boobs are just for her and her dh. When I had my newborn at her house (on his big sister's playdates), she never had a problem w/me nursing. I was always discreet about it. She would ask questions from time to time, but the overall sentiment was that it grossed her out.

One day when my ds was maybe 11 months or so, he had EBM in a cup on her counter and she totally freaked out and made the biggest deal about touching it b/c of what was in it.

So recently she asked if I still nurse him. He's 19 months old now. I said that he only nurses once a day and it's right before he goes down at night. She asked when I was going to stop and I said whenever he's ready. I nursed his sister until she self weaned at 18 months.

She said that if I'm still nursing him when he's like 3, she would stop being my friend and that I can just hang out with my "crunchy" friends in my new town.

My feelings were hurt b/c I didn't know our "friendship" was conditional and especially over something like how I feed my baby. Has anyone ever encountered anyone so ignorant and judgy about nursing? I mean, to the point where you think they really would stop hanging out w/you? Crazy right?

Baking,, Chuck Taylor Wearing, , SAHMom of 2.
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#2 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 10:21 AM
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I haven't been in that particular situation, but I just had to post and say that I'm sorry your "friend" said something like that to you. Some people are just too ignorant.
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#3 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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She said it in "jest"? It's obnoxious and insensitive, but she was probably expecting you to say, 'oh, yeah, those crazy granola people' and laugh. To someone who thinks nursing is gross, breastfeeding a three year old is unimaginable. Maybe she'll learn by watching you.

If she's been a friend for a long time, I would tell her briefly that commentary about your breastfeeding is off limits. No joking, no questions, no eye-rolling; nothing at all unless she's ready for a serious conversation with an open mind.

And point out that if your dc is still nursing at 3 yo, odds are she won't know unless she asks. If it's really so disturbing to her, then she just needs to MHOB.

Of course there's another route you can take... get caller ID and don't pick up when she calls. Ever.

Dawn - Mom to : Jack 11/04 and David 5/08
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#4 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 11:51 AM
 
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I would be honest with her and tell her that how you raise your family is your business, and that you're hurt and offended that she tried to bully you into changing your choices, which is none of her business and that you think she should apologize for being rude to you.

I'd also ask her how she values your relationship -- if the only thing that matters to her is whether you breastfeed, her priorities are frankly out of whack and she's not a very good friend.

I would explain this and give her one chance to correct her mistake, but be ready to end the relationship immediately if she doesn't realize how rude and stupid she was.
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#5 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 11:59 AM
 
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I'd personally drop her like a hot potato. The old saying is "with friends like these..."

But maybe I'm being dramatic... I've been known to be.

Beautiful picture, btw AND be proud of yourself for being such a nurturing mama! Way to go- 19 mos!

Mama to lovely twin girls 1/08
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#6 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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nak

It's not her business how you feed your DC and if she feels the need to make demands like that, then maybe you are better off without her.
Lovely pic, btw!

Sheila, mother to William and Min Hee, wife of David
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#7 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 12:17 PM
 
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She honestly thinks she has a right to try to influence your parenting decisions? *That's* gross!

And does she for a minute believe that you would wean your child prematurely in order to preserve her "friendship"? Um, yeah.

With friends like her... you know the rest .

DS1: 2/02 ROTFLMAO.gif DD: 9/04 blahblah.gif DS2: 9/07jog.gif and EDD: 11/13 belly.gif

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#8 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 12:18 PM
 
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Olliepop: Wow, I have actually been a similar situation. I had to have a friend of my grandmother's watch my oldest when she was 4 months and when she saw the frozen packs of breast milk she asked me where the formula was. I told her there was none and she said "So, how do I deal with this nasty stuff? Do I heat it or just thaw it out?" Do you know what I did? I packed her up and missed my appointment and re-scheduled for another time and never spoke to her again. She was not a "friend" though, just someone my grandma knew and trusted to watch my girl for two hours. I think I would tell your friend how much it hurt your feelings and how offended you were by that comment and see where it goes from there. Sorry you have to go through this. By the way, your picture is adorable!
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#9 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 01:40 PM
 
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I don't have a friend like that but my father is totally against nursing and thinks that I am babying(sp?) my dd who is 7mos by still ebf her! He thinks that she will be spolied. He also had an issue with me ebf ds! Ds was only 8-9 mos when he weaned himself because I was preg I was sad he was like its about time! Some people just don't understand that breasts are for making milk and that its the best for a baby/child.

Sorry your friend is saying hurtful things! You are doing whats best for your lo. I would be offened by what she said, but I do take offense easily.
Good luck!

Jennifer, SAHM to my little man 5 1/2 and my VBAC sweetie pie girls 4 1/2, 2 1/2 and 6mos. 

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#10 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 01:44 PM
 
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I have really mainstream friends and when I mentioned I was still nursing dd at 3 yrs, they never said a thing, tho I am sure they had thoughts. She needs to learn to keep certain opinions to herself if she wants to be your friend. For some reason, the whole breasts as sex objects is believed by some women...sigh.
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#11 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 01:49 PM
 
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Even the most "mainstream" ff women I know would never dream of making that kind of remark to me. We respect each other as women and mothers and that's the end of it.

If you really want to keep this woman's friendship, you are going to need to have an honest talk with her. If not, I'd drop her.
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#12 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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Just look at her and say "When I start telling you how to feed YOUR children then you may tell me how to feed MINE. Until then I hardly see what my child's eating habits have to do with our friendship."

Some people don't realize they are being thoughtless, tactless or rude until you point it out to them.

Angela <><
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#13 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 04:07 PM
 
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That is just flat out ridiculous! She needs to get over it and obviously isn't a good friend if she's is going to NOT be your friend over something like that I mean come on how old are we here gesh......((((HUGS))))
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#14 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KBecks View Post
I would be honest with her and tell her that how you raise your family is your business, and that you're hurt and offended that she tried to bully you into changing your choices, which is none of her business and that you think she should apologize for being rude to you.

I'd also ask her how she values your relationship -- if the only thing that matters to her is whether you breastfeed, her priorities are frankly out of whack and she's not a very good friend.

I would explain this and give her one chance to correct her mistake, but be ready to end the relationship immediately if she doesn't realize how rude and stupid she was.
:

Erika, wife to Eric, Mom to Son's, Mathias, Colin and Bonus Baby Girl Salem ::
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#15 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 04:58 PM
 
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She doesn't sound like a friend to me. I just had to post so I could say how beautiful you pic with your children is.

Katie, mama to Katherine 21, Christian 19, Johannah 17, Nicholas 12, Genevieve 10, Matthew 7, Andrew 11/16/09 10#6oz home waterbirth and madly in love with my husband, Scott
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#16 of 20 Old 08-14-2008, 11:45 PM
 
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That sounds so completely juvenile! What kind of person bases friendship upon things like that? I believe in breastfeeding for as long as your child wants, I mean it's completely natural and the best thing for them! There are some countries where they are so poor that breast is the only food that the child can receive and they take it until they are 5 or 6! You can't call that gross because that's the only means of food for them! Geez, I'm sorry you had to go through something like this!
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#17 of 20 Old 08-15-2008, 01:47 PM
 
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If there is any substance to this friendship then I would have a conversation about this comment. Threatening you in jest is still a threat. You have obviously been very kind to her about her choice to not breastfeed and have even tolerated her viewpoint that breastfeeding is gross. If she is any kind of friend she will realize the problem, remedy it, and your friendship will survive. If not, then, there are lots of other people out there to be friends with.

Wife to Doug, mom to Hank and Logan !!!
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#18 of 20 Old 08-15-2008, 03:49 PM
 
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nak..........

cute pic!!!!

If it were me, I'd stop hanging with her. Every time you feed your child around her she'll think it's gross and you'll have that thought in your mind that she's thinking that......spare yourself. You look like all kinds of fun. You can find other people to hang with.
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#19 of 20 Old 08-15-2008, 03:53 PM
 
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"I'm sorry you have such hang-ups about something so normal, natural and healthy, friend. No one's forcing you to do it, but please stop putting down my right to breastfeed. Thanks."
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#20 of 20 Old 08-18-2008, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Looks like I didn't have to do anything b/c neither of us has called the other since. No love lost. Thanks for the advice.

Baking,, Chuck Taylor Wearing, , SAHMom of 2.
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